DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

It's DPs fault he hurt his child.
In a safe relationship you wouldn't be too anxious to bring it up.
That's DPs fault as well.

You have to change your thinking in this, OP.

It is categorically not your responsibility to prioritise getting help for your partner. Your sole priority is to keep your child safe.

We are talking about heavy handed as though it's a disability.
It's a euphemism for TOO ROUGH.
If you're too rough you take care not to be ESPECIALLY around a baby.
Your child is better having no father than a violent one. I wouldn't give a fuck about your 'DP' missing out on a relationship with his son.

The bruise was his fault. and so will the next one be.

When will you stop defending him? When he leaves a mark you cant hide, breaks a bon

Bone?*

So you’re worried that dp won’t have a relationship with your son if you leave?
That is the least of your worries, you should be worried about him having any unsupervised contact.

Please OP, read my list of things you've said about him. This isn't 'just' about a bruise. There's a whole lot more going on than that. None of us want to believe our partners are abusive, I've been there too. I think your views on what a good relationship looks like may be affected by growing up in care. This isnt a good relationship. Can I ask you again what he does when he 'kicks off'? You've mentioned it a number of times, what actually happens? Does he tell you that you made him cross? My guess is that he does....

OP, be very clear, the only person responsible for your H getting help is your H, not you or anyone else. If he doesn't get help, that is also his responsibility. My H shouted at my 8 week old the first night he was to do night feeds etc and apologised profusely the next day. It never happened again but anger issues did increase. Be very careful and don't look at things as one off, isolated incidents anymore, that's how minimising happens.

OP, it's so much better for a child to have no relationship with their DC than an abusive one. My siblings and I are seriously damaged as a result of our abusive F. We would have been so much better off with no relationship with him.

Don't fall into the trap of assuming that you'll be damaging your DS by taking him away from his dad. You won't be, you'll be protecting him like a mother should.

No it’s not your DPs fault you grew up in care. That must have been really hard for you, I’m sorry you went through that.

Prioritise your child, not his dad. You are minimising, whether you intend to or not (I think not tbh) because it’s scary, and it’s hard and it’s a huge upheaval. I get that, I do.

You are what stands between your son getting hurt again and it never happening again. Ask yourself what he’d want.

It sounds like your handling it well by going to a+e. The bruise is a big deal and shouldn't happen again. If you say your walking on egg shells your relationship can't have been good for a while.

OP your husband is not your priority here.

Reading the OP made me feel sick. First off, regardless of what you believe his intent was, he squeezed your DS hard enough to bruise him. That is abuse. Second, the fact that you cannot approach him about it for fear of how he'll react is insane. Why are you in a relationship with this man? Surely you can see how wrong both of these things are.

If you stay in a relationship with him, you are putting your DS at risk. If he'll hurt a baby, things will only get worse.

Honey, I am sorry but I think your might be so used to his behaviour you have normalised it. i.e. you think some of his behaviour is normal. If you have to think carefully how you tell your husband he has bruised your child or you are worried he will 'kick off' - I'm sorry there is something very wrong with him. You do need to speak to some sort of domestic abuse unit. If he can do this to your baby when he is angry - what could he do one day when the baby is crying and he gets angry again? Sadly some angry parents shake babies whose skulls are so delicate they cause brain damage or death. Please see help from a professional.

OP, you need to leave him before he causes serious damage.

OP, have you got support when you get home today? I'm really concerned that you've being showing a man who we know struggles with anger, messages that have been left on here and that you have messaged him telling him you are thinking about leaving him. I genuinely fear for your safety when you return home later today. :(

Why on earth was he holding him that hard by the legs? That's not keeping him still, that's child abuse. By calling him "heavy handed" you're making excuses for him. If you don't keep your baby safe you're just as bad and the pair of you need reporting. Report him to the police and leave with their assistance if necessary. How can you possibly think that's ok? Your baby is hurt.

What happened at the Walk In Centre, op ?

There's a lot of talk on here about the fact that the OP's OH has clearly intentionally hurt her (and/or the baby). Actually, to be classed as abuse it doesn't even have to be intentional. Legally abuse is abuse regardless of intent. Unintentionally causing injury could be classed as negligence.

OP it sounds like you're trying to be sensible about seeking help with this situation. It's impossible for anyone on here to say conclusively whether your OH is abusive or not, only you know the ins and outs of your situation. The thing about him kicking off when you've told him he's hurt you rings alarm bells though. And it is a worry that he got so frustrated changing the nappy that he hurt your son (whether intentional or not). If you have ANY concerns about your child coming to harm then you need to remove your child from the situation. It's not easy to do that when you love your OH and want them to get help, but if he needs help then he needs to do that away from the child. You have to put the child first. It doesn't have to mean the end of his relationship with your son long term, but you do need to ensure that right now you are totally sure your child is safe.

Nothing to see here folks. Just another woman throwing her dc under a bus to hold on to an abusive man

twatty have you read all the updates?

The OP and her hubby have voluntarily reported this to social care.

They are doing the right thing.

Actually, op has not come back to say what happened at the Walk In Centre.

The OP and her hubby have voluntarily reported this to social care.

OP said she was going to, and hasn’t been back. I’m hopeful that that means she and her son are getting the support they need and deserve.

The likelihood is that it’s going to take ages if there’s been a sniff of abuse. They will probably want xrays and all sorts so have probably been referred on to the paediatric ward.

update please OP