DP bruised my baby

[Oneinthegrave]

I don’t know how to approach this. DP (DS dad) is very heavy handed. He sometimes hurts me without realising, he’ll go to ‘tickle’ my sides while im cooking or something but digs his fingers in my sides so hard it hurts and then kicks off if i say something because he was ‘trying to have a laugh’.

Yesterday my 16 month old son needed his nappy changing and was over tired because we’d been visiting family and he’d missed his nap. He was crying and trying to get away (nothing new) and DP was holding onto his legs. I didn’t know at the time how hard he was holding him but my son was sobbing and I had to take over because DP was getting angry.

Today i’ve noticed my son has a bruise on his leg where DP was holding him, it’s a greyish bruise probably double the size of DP’s thumb. I know he wouldnt intentionally do this to our son but I have to tell him what’s happened so it doesn’t happen again, but I need to word it in a way so that he doesn’t get defensive and kick off.

What would you say to him??

OP well done for taking the first steps. I am glad that you are being honest and open with the medical professionals - also, ask them for their help because you need it. I wish you and your baby all the best.

You know the walk in centre are going to have to report you dont you.
If you are dealing with this and confident that he understands, I dont think you need to get it checked out and start a massive rollercoaster

I am shocked an appalled that you would post this to the OP. You should be ashamed of yourself Branleuse

Cross post, well done, OP, you're doing the right thing and hopefully your DP will learn from this. At least he knows that you won't cover for him.

If the doctor refers this on you can probably expect a visit today from SS and your DH may be asked to leave your house over Christmas so they can investigate it properly after the holidays.

I think yes it is just a bruise but like others have said if i dont get it checked out and it turns out to be more that would be my fault not DP. He’s on board with the fact we’ll probably have social services involved but i’d rather that and him get help for everything not just this (the tickling me / treading on egg shells). If this was reported to SS and i hadn’t got him checked I think jt would be worse

Well the wait here at the walk in centre is currently estimated 4 hours so I doubt we’d have a visit today anyway do social services even work today?

Many abusive men start with 'joke' tickling or flicking with tea towels.
If this man isn't removed from your home you are condoning the abuse of your child
It won't help to just stop him changing nappies, before you know it your child will be a tantruming two year old then a stroppy, tired five year old refusing to get ready for bed. And then what?

You are absolutely doing the right thing OP.

Please don’t worry about SS, they will want to support you and your son to be safe and happy. You have done the right thing going to get his wee leg checked out, and please, please do be completely honest with the HCP.

You deserve better, you both do.

Oh god, so many red flags, you need to protect your ds and yourself, you need to leave him.

It’s unlikely they’ll come out today OP.

OP I think it's great you for doing the right thing. Your child comes first and you need to protect him.

What worries me is you cannot talk to your OH about this without him kicking off. This is a very bad sign.

SS will think it is a positive that you are seeking support and you are taking your son to the doctors. You are right not to see them as a threat but the gatekeepers to other resources that may be available to your family.

However, if you have to leave your partner then you must for your own and your son safety. It will look bad on you if you stay in an abusive relationship which is leaving your son at risks of further bruises etc.

If it wasn’t on purpose he’ll be mortified and shook up.
If he ‘gets defensive’ as you say, that’s a huge red flag and I would be leaving today.

The fact you walk on eggshells in case your dp kicks off, is very concerning.

If you are dealing with this and confident that he understands, I dont think you need to get it checked out and start a massive rollercoaster

That's how so many bairns die when the little things start and the first instinct is to hide it to avoid the consequences. Then it escalates when early intervention can help a struggling parent. He obviously needs some sort of help to manage himself and in the meantime the babies/kids involved need protecting.

OP, this is so worrying, please keep your baby safe. This man is more than aware of his own strength.

My ex used to hurt me and use the excuse of "play fighting" as well. Including dunking me in the pool (for long enough that I was panicked because I hadn't taken a breath and he was holding tight so I couldn't move). It was in front of other people so when I came up pushing him and getting angry I looked crazy. He did things like that to my daughter too. It's covertly aggressive and gaslighting. You know deep down he's not joking he's testing you.

i dunno, just sounds like he was getting it, and it sounded to me like if anything happened further that OP would leave. If he had deliberatly been violent with the baby rather than holding him too hard when changing a nappy, I certainly wouldnt be saying that
None of you guys here have to live with the consequences of what you advise.
Obviously if OP feels that there is a risk to the baby, then getting help is advisable. You do not actually need to start off massive catestrophic chains of events with authorities for everything in reality

That's right Branlause, no one would want a whole protective train to start rolling, good grief, the OP might learn about abusive and dangerous men and how she is the advocate for her own child ... no, better to avoid that kind of support aimed to help her protect her child and gain insight into a man who is clearly a physical danger to children.

i dunno, just sounds like he was getting it

They always do, until the next time.

and it sounded to me like if anything happened further that OP would leave

That’s not how I read it.

If he had deliberatly been violent with the baby rather than holding him too hard when changing a nappy, I certainly wouldnt be saying that

He was deliberately violent, he wasn’t calm and he was angry and did it out of anger.

Please can you trust that some of us at least have lived this before and know how it ends?

He deliberately hurts the OP under the guise of play, he puts a massive bruise on his baby (and it is massive if you scale it to an adult leg) because of a nappy change. What will come next? Why even take the risk when this can be nipped in the bud now if he's fully willing? If he isn't fully willing then better get rid now before real damage happens. One red tempered moment can kill a little kid.

If it isn't a big deal then it won't set off catastrophic events will it?

I understand the replies based on my OP but when I confronted him about it earlier he reacted completely opposite to how i thought he would, I think I should’ve just told him quickly before posting about it because i was worrying about something that hadn’t even happened. I’m naturally a very anxious person so that was more me than him. He’s actually taken it very seriously and thinks SS would be a good idea to help fast track him into anger management which would not only protect my son but also me & hopefully make me less anxious

You ate minimising as people point out the issues, I repeat- get the fuck out

Branleuse the assumption and fear of a massive catastrophic chains of events is what causes many people to hide or minimise obvious issues around abuse and neglect. Add to that the fact that so many women are conditioned to accept certain (very poor) behaviours from men and you have a recipe for a whole other massive catastrophic chain of events a hell of a lot worse than ss involvement.

When you read about infants and toddlers injured and killed by their dad or their mums partner do you really think it just came out of the blue? Or do you reckon there were red flags, rough handling etc that other adults in their lives, such as their mums or their gps, told themselves wasn't so bad, it was being managed, they were confident it wouldn't happen again?

slappinthebass

Hold up. All three of my kids had finger print bruises on their legs from nappy changes regularly.

That’s fucking awful.

OP. I'm not usually in the LTB camp, but in this instance that would definitely be my advice.
No one should have to 'try' not to harm any child, much less their own. It should come naturally.
Lets try this scenario.
You have a dog, most of the time it's a very nice dog, but now and again it tries to bite you, then one day, it bites baby. Would you keep that dog and live in fear that it could bite your baby severely, or would you get rid of it? I guarantee that for the safety of yourself and the baby, you would get rid of it.
No one in a relationship should be walking around on eggshells, no matter what the issue is, that is not a healthy loving relationship, that's a relationship based on fear.
I'm not having a go at you OP and I hope you manage to get it sorted, but you have to think of a defenceless child first and the adult second, after all, an adult can make their own choices in relationships, a child unfortunately can't.