Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I am on the verge of having an affair

283 replies

WhattheheckamIdoing · 19/12/2018 15:34

I am ready to be flamed, I know I deserve it.

I am on the verge of starting an affair with a married colleague. I know this is wrong, I know lots of pain will come from it and I feel guilty about his wife and children.

We have only had a (few) drunken snogs after the office Christmas party. We left the party separately at different times and met at my place. At the party we just couldn't get away from each other so it was getting dangerous. I was adamant that we should not get into proper sexual territory as that would be an even more slippery slope. We agreed on that.

I think we are both pretty infatuated with each other, but we need to draw a line and stop this madness. His wife also works for the same company and the consequences on his family and my career would be tragic if this became a full-blown affair.

I don't know why I am posting here. I can't tell anyone in real life so maybe I just needed to write it. I am on the verge of having an affair. I hope I'll have the strength to control myself.

OP posts:
CritEqual · 19/12/2018 17:24

Yeah don't do this, I know it's Christmas and it must feel very lonely being single this time of year. You can do better than this, you're worth more and better times lie ahead if you can summon up a little integrity. Fact is if you DO do this, you'll wreck something rather precious in your own psyche.

In order to justify this you'll have to tell yourself repeatedly that deep down everyone is selfish, out for themselves. If you can at least draw a line under this, forgive yourself for what's occured already you'll at least be able to hold your head up high and not live in a world that just got fractionally darker...

Best of luck, I'm rooting for you!

Avegemitesandwich · 19/12/2018 17:28

So project yourself a year or 2 into the future and imagine how you'll be feeling when your career is in tatters, his family is blown apart, he has told you you were only a bit of fun, and everyone thinks you're a selfish bitch.

This. It's just not worth it.

Find yourself a single bloke.

mycatistoo · 19/12/2018 17:31

Just snogged? That would end my marriage. And we have a dc.

If this is actually real I think you're getting a very easy time of it on this thread.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
TheDowagerCuntess · 19/12/2018 17:31

I think a bit of both? I know I need to give my head a wobble and Mumsnet is the right place to find people who can help you do that.

What a strange response to all these posts from people on this thread. That's the question you pick out to answer?

So, anyway. What are you going to do?

mycatistoo · 19/12/2018 17:33

I think you're a selfish, home wrecking piece of shit and I hope one day in the future your husband doesn't fuck some young thing whilst you're at home raising your child because it literally destroys lives.

Deathgrip · 19/12/2018 17:35

She works there too so you either know her or at least have met her - so she’s not just an abstract idea to you, she’s an actual person who you will both destroy if you do this. Where is your empathy? Do you honestly believe this is one of the great loves in history?

If he is unhappy with his wife, he should leave her, irrespective of his relationship with you. Let him deal with that if he wants to - don’t get in the middle of it.

I get that you aren’t married and don’t have kids so it is harder to understand - I’ve been cheated on before I was married, and it sucked, but now we have children it would rip my entire world apart. Selling the house, shared custody, children breaking their hearts because they don’t understand where their dad is. You can’t possibly think that your infatuation is worth crushing his children?

KimchiLaLa · 19/12/2018 17:35

Sorry but at "we've only had a few kisses..." you lost my sympathy. Even that's not ok.

ballsdeep · 19/12/2018 17:36

You don't need to. Give your head a wobble, you need to find your morals.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/12/2018 17:39

snogging a lot is sexual activity.

Walk away - this will fuck up your life.

Fairylea · 19/12/2018 17:39

The thing is op that a marriage is much more than just about the sex, relationship part. It’s a whole life. Almost like a business contract. Your wealth, money, future, whole world is built around that person. When someone cheats on you it’s like your whole life is a lie. It’s like someone coming along and saying your whole world is a load of shit. It fucking hurts. And basically the single person in it all doesn’t ever really get it, won’t ever really get it, because it’s not their life that’s being shat all over.

It’s the worst feeling in the world being on the end of it. It completely destroys your self worth and self confidence.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 19/12/2018 17:40

Oh and I would kick my husband out for this without a second thought.

Beansareevil · 19/12/2018 17:41

Stop acting like a selfish, entitled twat. Yesterday my bastard dp confessed to cheating with a colleague back in the summer. I've gone from being a happy positive woman to a crying suicidal shack of shit. I've had to let my son play on his Xbox all day because I can't hold it together for more than 5 minutes. 16 years destroyed by 2 people I trusted for a sordid shag. Respect yourself for goodness sake and remove the rise tinted glasses. Grow up

GrandmaJane · 19/12/2018 17:41

It’s not down to you to police other people’s marriages and you owe no loyalty to the wife. He does, but that isn’t your problem.

A shag/ series of shags might be fun - but worth having to find a new job? Are you sure? And you’ll go off him in time, most likely. Then you’ll be stuck trying to get out of an unwanted relationship without rocking the boat too much.

Ask yourself what’s best for you and what it is that you want. Then do that.

MisstoMrs · 19/12/2018 17:49

@beansareevil that’s terrible. I’m so sorry Flowers

OP, watch love actually and see Emma Thompson’s character’s response when she realises Alan rickman has cheated. That is what you will create.

Either his marriage is over and he needs to leave meaning you can be together at a later date, or this is being fuelled by the thrill factor, in which case you’ll end up dumped and blamed for wrecking his marriage. Sex won’t fix this, but if you’re totally infatuated you aren’t going to be able to hear that. You won’t be able to think clearly around him, so stay away.

SpeckledDot · 19/12/2018 17:57

Only losers have affairs with married men

Kittykat93 · 19/12/2018 17:58

He's a scumbag and so are you 🤷‍♀️

I've just got married and the thought of my husband doing this breaks my heart. You are happy to destroy people's lives just for a shag.

Either way it's still obvious you're going to carry this on, I just feel sorry for all those who will be hurt by your actions.

Rowenaravenclawsdiadem · 19/12/2018 18:00

What I can’t get my head around is the ‘we can’t control ourselves’ frame of mind.

Well yes you can as we are humans not animals.

I speak from experience as well. I had an affair with a married man. He left his wife for me. We had 2 children together.

Can you guess how it bit me in the arse? Life with 2 dc when you aren’t sneaking around unable to control yourselves with lust gets a bit dull.

He now lives 40 miles away with the woman he had an affair with and their new child. My dc don’t get a look in.

All the pain it caused me at the time? I totally deserved it. And now the Rose tinted glasses have well and truly fallen off he is just a seedy old man and I’m a prize fucking idiot.

Theyprobablywill · 19/12/2018 18:01

That's nice, dear.

cleanasawhistle · 19/12/2018 18:01

I used to have a friend....on the 3rd date with a man he told her he was married and had children.I sid so you wont be seeing him again...yes she says because its him cheating not me.

She is no longer a friend,she is a home wrecking piece of shit.

Keep away from him op.

Stripyhoglets1 · 19/12/2018 18:02

Having been in a very similar place to you, but I never risked being alone with him, I can say that forbidden fruit is always exciting and do understand exactly how you are feeling.
But it's just chemicals and novelty of young flesh to him with no domestic baggage - but if you are alot younger than him you may not have experienced this before. It's an old story and very common.
Luckily for me I knew the person I like was a serial player despite being married and although I really liked him I walked away rather than meet up in private, and moved away and met a wonderful man I now have a lovely family with. Don't do it. You might "get" him but it will never be as nice as meeting and falling in love with someone single.

tinselduck · 19/12/2018 18:04

@Beansareevil I am so sorry.

OP, grow up. You have a case of the fanny gallops. Good news is that it is controllable and non fatal.

This guy is using you for his sexual gratification, and you are letting him. He will throw you under the bus, without a second glance, when it all comes out. (And you know that it will).
Have some self respect.

SilverySurfer · 19/12/2018 18:14

Disgusting behaviour but why should you give a shit, it's not your family that's going to be split apart; not you who will be grieving and in pain, not you having to deal with the fallout, not you trying to explain to children why their father is no longer living at home.

Why don't you find some self respect, I think you will find it in the gutter. Then why don't you read some of the threads on here by women whose lives have been ripped apart because their DH decided to fuck someone like you.

SoupDragon · 19/12/2018 18:21

yes she says because its him cheating not me.

That is a common feeling on MN.

CaliHummers · 19/12/2018 18:26

I hope I'll have the strength to control myself.

Of course you have the strength to control yourself - the problem is you have to want to control yourself.

Cantusethatname · 19/12/2018 18:29

In your fantasy, do his kids love you and think of you as a cool big sister/second mum?
In your fantasy, do all your colleagues admire how attractive and young and free spirited you are?
In your fantasy, will his wife just get over it?
In your fantasy, will you and this saddo be in lust/love you are?

Grow up - and read "The Wrong Knickers" by Bryony Gordon.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread