Unwritten rules of the road

[abacucat]

Just been out driving and it reminds me of the unwritten driving rules that many seem to follow. So these are -

• It is fine to stop on a double yellow as long as you put your hazards on
• It is fine to park somewhere illegal as long as it is "only for a minute"
• It is fine to speed if you are "in a hurry"

If there are 3 lanes on an island, and you are turning right, always do so in the left hand lane, cutting up the 2 other lanes of traffic.

Always drive at 40mph, whatever the actual speed limit...
make sure you are so close you can lip read the curses of the car driver in front of you
slowing at roundabouts is for idiots
amber light means speed up
always drive with brights on at night because this is simply a natural extension of your dazzling personality

This isn't an unwritten rule, it's exactly what you're meant to do to alleviate congestion at roadworks. Google "merge in turn". (Roadworks often have signs up telling drivers to use both lanes and then merge in turn.)
Another example of how the British psyche cocks up the smooth running of the world 

So annoying though when you have waited patiently in the left hand lane and some cf blatantly has gone in the other lane and deliberately pushes their way back in knowing full well you were there first and has effectively overtook 20 cars. See this on M25 slip road from time to time - usually flatbed trucks or vans.

Also people who go right at a roundabout from the middle lane and cutting up the person from the correct position because they cannot be bothered to queue and wait and are so important

The 3 foot high KEEP CLEAR signs painted on the road, opposite side streets, are really just to remind nearby drivers that they should reinforce their sense of entitlement and keep doing exactly what suits them best.

Fog lights make your car look really pretty! Use them all the time!

Turn the full beam on a country road and only switch it off once you have fully blinded the first car you see coming the opposite side. Afterall, even if they are blind now, they can’t hit you as you have crossed them. The car behind you is another story.

If you don't feel like walking from the car park 100 metres away it's fine to park on the pavement instead.

Yellow zig zags outside school don't apply if you're late.

It's totally fine to park in a blue badge space if you're only buying a pint of milk.

Lorry drivers must find a fellow HGV before approaching an incline on a motorway. They must then lose speed in perfect synchronicity and make absolutely sure that no other road user can pass them .

its perfectly fine to park on the corner as long as you're on a housing estate.

when parking outside the school, use your car to block 2 spaces in one of the only parking areas available.

Speed limits don't apply to motorcyclists.

20mph zones are optional. Anyone who abides by them are idiots and should be intimidated off the road.

When going down a busy residential street with obstructions on both side, thus rendering it a single lane road, make sure you keep going, even if an approaching car got there first and is past the point of no return, and will have to reverse back up the road to make way for your more important self.

It's always your right of way if you're in a 4x4. Especially if it's white.

If you're on a bike or motorcycle it's absolutely fine to undertake others, especially when approaching a junction.

When turning left onto a minor road, it's absolutely crucial to either slow down to 5mph as you turn (and only indicating once you're halfway through the turn), especially on national speed limit roads, OR otherwise you must do a large looping arc onto the oncoming lane and keep travelling at speed because you are way too important to slow down.

When turning right make sure you do so early so that you cut off the corner, and narrowly miss any cars waiting to join the road you're leaving - do not under any circumstances actually turn at the point of turn so you go directly into your correct lane.

When travelling between Henly's corner and towards the A1M/M1 in London, it's absolutely crucial that you cut into the other lanes when you go round the bends because those tight lanes do not apply to you as you are more important than other vehicles and they can just slow down abruptly / move out of the way for you.

Always weave in and out of lanes on motorways to make sure you have the fastest route. If a car is overtaking in the fast lane but are not speeding enough for your liking, it's fine to undertake both cars by using the slow lane, especially if this means cutting into the safe stopping spaces that other drivers are allowing between cars.

Safe stopping distances are for snowflakes. Drive as close to other cars as possible on motorways in order to demonstrate how big and clever you are. If the car in front of you needs to stop suddenly you will magically avoid crashing into the back of them and killing them.

Always travel at least 90mph in the fast lane of the motorway if you are in a bmw, audi or Mercedes, especially at night. If a car that is half a mile in front of you indicates that they want to pull into "your" lane to overtake, continue going at 90mph (preferably faster), narrowly avoid crashing into them, forcing them to quickly pull back out of "your lane" and then follow them angrily for the next few miles gesturing aggressively at them.

Don't bother indicating if you're turning left on a roundabout - I mean it's not worth it for one junction and the people giving way to you at the next junction won't mind the extra wait at all.

If you drive a white trade van it's fine and legal to use your mobile while driving, you're at work after all. Most rules of the road do not apply to you anyway.

If you're giving way to someone and they take a nano second to check the other direction is safe also do not accept this utterly unreasonable behaviour - feel free to beep your horn and/or wave your hands around in an exasperated manner at their lack of gratitude and blatant wasting of your precious time.

Drivers are completely visible through all windscreens regardless of light, angle, etc so rest assured the tiniest waggle of your finger on the steering wheel is all that's needed to indicate that you're giving way, any other driver will be able to see this clearly and act accordingly immediately (if not please use same action as above rule).

If you drive a Chelsea tractor you are exempt from the laws about not stopping/parking on the zigzag lines outside schools.

Fog lights must be on when the visibility is less than 1 mile in winter. Use of fog lights renders indicators non-functional.

It is compulsory for owners of Chelsea tractors to leave their car engine running for 20 minutes in the school car park when waiting for their children.

If you drive a fucking home supermarket delivery van ALWAYS park at the end of a shared drive way so the other house cannot get out even though you are literally a couple of steps from being in a much safer place it doesn't matter one iota that school kids are crossing and cannot see properly and your on a double yellow line when the other house politely asks if you could move as she has to get to work you just say oh ill only be 5 minutes duck.
(Obviously not all home delivery before I'm lynched just one particular company/usually same driver)

Ignore the big yellow box junction, it serves no purpose, just go right ahead and block the traffic going in the other direction.

One from the school run this morning....

If you drive a school bus park on the peak of a humpback bridge with double yellow lines. Keep indicating left at all times. When a car comes up behind you, indicates right and pulls out behind the other car overtaking you, decide to (without indicating right of course) pull out in front of them and when they beep their horn to warn you that they are there, open your window and stick your finger up at them.
It is OK to pull out like this even when you can see the other car.

If you’re a lorry coming up to a major roundabout you have priority over a car already on the roundabout coming up to your junction and can enter the roundabout without stopping even if that means the car has to brake

It's totally fine to pull out at a junction from a minor road into a major road without waiting for a suitable opportunity if you have stopped your car half way into said major road while you were waiting.

It is absolutely essential that you stop in the middle of rush hour traffic to let the pedestrian that can't be bothered to walk 3 yards to the zebra crossing, cross the road. I can do an emergency stop behind you, don't mind me or the driver behind me.

If you see my car on the motorway in the lane next to you and you want to come into my lane, you must just drift over in front of me without indicating. I must have a bumper sticker telling ppl to do this it happens so often!

Indicating is contraindicated where other road users or pedestrians might actually want to know what you’re doing.

When going up a slip road in the right hand lane you must stay at the side of the car to your left right to the end of the slip road otherwise they may get onto the motorway before you.

When on a busy roundabout and your exit is clear it is essential you block the entrance to the left so nobody can go anywhere, including those turning right.

There is nothing wrong in hitting a parked car, you can just drive away however big the dent you left is.

If you drive a filthy white transit gardening van in the pouring rain it has magical visibility powers even when you have no lights on. This is especially useful when you drive straight out onto a roundabout without stopping, particularly as bright purple cars are rendered invisible to you.

@TheBobGrower
There was a definition of "vehicle" and hence "motor vehicle" that excluded motorcycles and so, as speed limits apply to motor vehicles, motorcycles are(*) exempt from speed limits!

• no, not really. The law doesn't work like that but I almost had a former colleague believing it.

You may drive at10 miles per hour when the speed limit is 30, if you are texting someone with one hand on the wheel to maintain control of your car, especially if you have children that don't have car seats. You can't e too careful

When two lanes are due to merge, don’t consider merging until you get RIGHT to the end of the shorter lane and then try to force yourself in.

Actually, you are completely wrong. The correct way is to stay in the lane till you reach the obstruction then merge in turn. Perhaps you should read the highway code, it is very enlightening!