Unwritten rules of the road

[abacucat]

Just been out driving and it reminds me of the unwritten driving rules that many seem to follow. So these are -

• It is fine to stop on a double yellow as long as you put your hazards on
• It is fine to park somewhere illegal as long as it is "only for a minute"
• It is fine to speed if you are "in a hurry"

Reliant Robins are driven by elderly men in hats. (There are several of these three-wheeler cars seen regularly in my town)

Reliant robins only need a motorcycle licence to drive.

Cyclists can go through red lights
Cyclists can go down one way streets the wrong way

If it's foggy you don't need to put your fog lights on because you can see where you're going. It doesn't matter that other drivers need to see you coming.

Zigzag yellow lines next to school means only important parents can park on them.

Horses love it when cars go past them really quickly.

Toddlers will laugh adorably when the enormous truck lets off its airbrakes just as they walk past it.

If you are male and stupid and think the Fast and Furious films are instructional driving videos from the DVLA you must immediately fit an enormous exhaust to your car, apply a sticker to your front bumper that says MOVE OVER in mirror writing, and drive everywhere as though you are Michael Schumacher in a Maclaren F1, even though you are a ned in a resprayed X reg Citroen Saxo with skirts on its bumpers so you can't drive anywhere with speed bumps. Which is a pity, really.

It's fine to tailgate and push someone obeying a 30mph speed limit in a built up area.

Not indicating at roundabouts is fine.

It's ok to consistently drive at 40mph no matter what the road or if the speed limit is higher or lower. 40mph is the only speed to do.

It's ok to use a handheld mobile while driving, whether to text, make calls, take photos or use social media. No-one will notice you looking down and then quickly up again, especially when sat in traffic.

It's ok to tailgate and intimidate lone women drivers, especially if you are white van man or an hgv driver.

It's fine to park up just round the corner from a junction. You don't even have to pull over, or indicate, or keep your brake lights on.

No really it is.

(Some twunt on my road earlier this week. It was like they had just stopped driving.)

You can’t park on the Zig zags outside a school at drop off time unless you are making a delivery to the school and can’t be bothered to go round the back.

Fog lights must be used at the fist sign of a bit of mist in near perfect visibility in order to blind as many people as possible. It certainly helps to leave them on "Just in case" after all signs of fog have cleared.

They may also be used in order to look "cool"

All executive type cars are exempt from reversing in narrow country lanes or even moving remotely close to the road edge where they might get dirty.

When parking up you absolutely must park as close to the junction as you can get, thus obscuring the view of other motorists.

You must also park with half of your vehicle on the footpath.
Bonus points if you can actually obstruct a buggy or wheelchair from getting past.

When passing a cyclist or horse, it is essential to give them a loud blast of your horn to alert them that you are passing.
Bonus points if the cyclist falls off their cycle or the horse spooks and throws the rider.

When driving down a road, preferably a country lane, you must throw any fast food wrappers/drink cartons from your window.
Bonus points if you empty the ashtray too.

When you see another driver making a small mistake, you must practice your hand signals. Wanker and Dickhead are especially popular.
Bonus points if the other driver brakes and leaves his vehicle to deliver a punch.
Double points if you retaliate and provide the pedestrians with some light entertainment.

It's perfectly ok to pull out in front of someone on an otherwise empty road in a 40mph zone, then drive for the next 4 miles at 25mph, no matter what the speed limit is, in dry conditions with good visibility. It is also then allowed to indicate after you have started tubing left, thereby ruining the relief of the person behind you who has been trying to get past you for the last 4 miles.

It is absolutely ok, nay, essential, that you park right on the corner of a junction for the main road into the village because your house is across the road, and you can't expect your teenage darlings to walk further than crossing the road.

When joining a dual carriageway or motorway (particularly one with short entry slip road), you must reach a speed of between 40-50mph. Upon realising you are not travelling quick enough you must either pull out and cause everyone else to move out or your way or jump on your brakes and come to a stop at the end of the slip road.

When travelling on the motorway you must stay in the middle lane. This allows you to avoid making any unnecessary manoeuvres to overtake HGVs and you can stay there until you need to pull off again.

Don't worry about giving way when the obstruction is on your side of the road, especially if you are in a white van, an Audi or a BMW. Just bully your way through and force the car coming the other way to stop and wait for you.

Don't forget to add insult to injury by waving cheerily.

when there's a cyclist in front, you must overtake and turn immediately left, or overtake on the blind part of a bridge, or overtake when the road narrows and any of these must be done at speed and as close as possible

When there are parked cars on your side of the road and a cyclist approaching on the other side who is completely within their lane, you should still pull out anyway because you must not be made to wait for a cyclist even though they have right of way. See also junctions, mini roundabouts etc.

Always, always drive in the fast lane. It is not for safe overtaking. It was invented for the very brave and very smart only. The kind who won’t die and won’t kill when they crash into somebody with the force of 80mph.

When merging in turn if you are in the left hand lane you must accelerate if you notice a car in the right hand lane getting in front of you

If you're stopped in traffic for more than 15 seconds it's ok to start looking at your phone. When the traffic starts moving again you're allowed to finish what you were doing before putting the phone down.

Cycle lanes are perfectly acceptable to park in. It is also acceptable to shout abuse at cyclists not using said lanes.

You must always overtake at speed and then wait for the vehicle that you overtook to pull up behind you at the next set of red lights.

If there aren’t any cars about, don’t bother indicating. Wh6 would pedestrians care about where you are going?

I'm a new driver and so relieved to see it's not just me!

Some that I've noticed are tailgate anyone obeying the speed limit and ideally flash your lights then overtake them while complaining.

If you indicate to change lanes you can then immediately move with no regard as to whether the person in the lane you want to be in is actually able to move or slow down to let you cut in.

If there's a lane of traffic at a junction waiting to join the motorway and you decide that you don't want to wait in that queue then it's completely fine to fly up the lane beside and then cut the nose off someone to get into the lane you should have been in in the first place.

Pavements, central reservations, and the middles of roundabouts are all parking spots.

If you have a newish car with automatic daytime running lights, ON NO ACCOUNT bother to check if you have full working lights (front and back) once it gets dark.

If you are approaching a motorway junction and there is an hgv ahead, it is mandatory to scream past and virtually handbrake turn your car onto the slip road.

At any roundabout with an outsize vehicle on it, ensure you nip up the inside right into their blind spot for maximum effect.

Only turn left AFTER swinging your car widely into the oncoming lane first.

It’s absolutely fine to hoot a pedestrian crossing at a pedestrian crossing if you are in your Porsche 4x4 with 3 children in the back because you are running late on the school run.

Bmw's come with pay per press indicators as standard so it is ok not to use them. Ever.

On a clear day it is just fine to do 35mph in 60mph zone in peak traffic therefore creating congestion in an otherwise flowing area.

It's just fine to squeeze in the safe stopping distance gap that I have left between me and the car in front, meaning I have to break to open up the gap again.

If you really must indicate, make sure you do one single flash only; and only after you have started moving over the white lines.

When approaching slower vehicles on multi-lane roads, maintain your speed till you are almost in their laps, then stand on the brakes and simultaneously swerve your car out to the next lane, because after all, you can't possibly be expected to anticipate such things.