Unwritten rules of the road

[abacucat]

Just been out driving and it reminds me of the unwritten driving rules that many seem to follow. So these are -

• It is fine to stop on a double yellow as long as you put your hazards on
• It is fine to park somewhere illegal as long as it is "only for a minute"
• It is fine to speed if you are "in a hurry"

My DO drives an emergency vehicle and an Audi.... he must get so confused....

You can park on zig zags by a school if you're old, because you're "just popping to the church over the road", and can't be expected to park anywhere else, and it's a rural village so the rules don't apply.

DP!
Just looked at the emoji. It's gritted teeth not laughter as I thought!

When two lanes are due to merge, don’t consider merging until you get RIGHT to the end of the shorter lane and then try to force yourself in.

Nobody in the other lane will mind!

There is no need to use indicators at any time whatsoever.

If you are a male aged betwee 12 and 25 then you must wear black clothing when cycling at night, and should never, ever have lights on your bicycle. No-one needs to be able to see you, do they?

Don't pay any attention to the speed limit in the evenings, it is far more important to get to the off licence / takeaway and return home before the football match starts.

It doesn't matter if your wheels go over the lines when in a car park, the owner of the car parked next to yours won't mind at all.

The rules of a roundabout don’t apply when there are only three exits.

Don’t give way to any of the fuckers especially if you’re going straight over. Giving way to the right is for pussies.

Everyone else on the road is an idiot. I think that just about sums it up.

moonflower my Dp is a hgv driver and an Audi driver so we think he must be one of the most hated people on the road

You can go through a red light if it's only a pelican crossing, because there is no danger of being hit by another car.

Driveways are just extra parking spaces, whilst you’d never block someone in a parking bay in a car park, it’s totally fine to block someone in a drive.

You’ll only be fucking ages a minute, the owner can’t possibly want to use their car. Your life and travels are more important.

Oh and, needless to say, it’s totally fine to do this several times a day, everyday.

Seeing as Emergency veichles are actually exempt from some of the usual rules of the road, I should imagine Audi drivers would make amazing Emergancy vehicle driver, what with already believing themselves to be exempt anyway . Practice innit?!

When a motorcycle is filtering past your traffic queue it is your duty to edge out to block it, after all, if you're having a shit time making sure the biker does too is bound to help ... common sense innit ...

Stop-lines for traffic lights are only guidelines .... to be safe you need to stop one or better still two car length's short. How else are you going to consume the maximum road space that you PAID for?

The red+orange traffic light phase is there to remind you to wake up. You don't have to start even thinking about finding first gear until the light has been green for a good long time; if more than three cars get through the junction on each phase Something Bad will happen, probably to kittens, puppies or babies ... or all three.

Cyclists have a right ... nay, a duty ... to ignore any cycle-path and ride on the road because otherwise they would have to stop at junctions and driveways. And of course one cyclist's progress is far more important that a bus with sixty people on, let alone the dozen or so evil car drivers, delivery vans and anyone else ...

NAADALT obvs they bloody well are.

If you see a horsebox coming towards you you must do as much as you can to get in front of it. Heaven forbid that it pulls out in front of you at a junction, the correct response to this is to blast your horn and overtake at 70mph (in a 50 section) because otherwise you may have to slow down until it gets up to speed and you'll be late by 30 seconds

Supermarket car parks are the safest places on earth and there is no need to check your mirrors or your surroundings before reversing out of a bay

Similarly you must also beep and shake your head at a horsebox that is indicating and moving over after coming off a roundabout but just checking their wing mirrors (rear view mirror is just a horse view) because they are not doing it quick enough for your liking, especially not at 9am on a Sunday morning.

At tricky roundabouts it's fine to have a long think about what to do and other people should know that's what you're doing. They should carry on as if you weren't there until you decide to move whereupon you can carry on as if they aren't there.

Or maybe that's just one roundabout by us.

On country roads, if you drive a very shiny 4x4 make sure your lights remain on full beam at all times regardless of the presence of other traffic. They need to know you're there; being able to see the road or any obstacles other than your delightful self is unnecessary.

There are different speed limits on country roads depending on age and place of residence:

If you are over 60 and/or live in a town, you must on no account exceed 50 mph even on a bit of road so long and straight you could land a plane on it. For best results continue at 50 through any 30mph villages you happen to pass - you don't want to waste any fuel accelerating and it's important to have a bit of natural selection in rural populations.

If you're under 25 or live on a farm you should not drop BELOW 50mph under any circumstances including fog, ice, snow, blind bends/summits, etc. You know the roads and/or are invincible. Unless you're in your tractor in which case go as slow as you want and ensure you disregard any opportunity to pull over and let people pass.

Gosh I feel good having got all that off my chest!

It's totally fine not to indicate when you're leaving a roundabout thus meaning other drivers miss their slot to enter the roundabout in your wake. Other drivers should know where you're going by magic, especially when you're lane discipline is poor.

Mini roundabouts don’t exist- just go straight across

Drive at 50mph in the middle lane

Keep your full beam lights on so you can see the road

Go in the right lane at a junction then indicate right only when it goes green

Cyclists don’t need lights or bright clothes

Drivers can see pedestrians who wear all dark clothes and jaywalk after dark

4x4 can wait in the middle of a one way street for their friend to come down for as long as they like

Everyone wants to know what music you like

When joining the motorway it is fine to drive down the slip road slower than the traffic, brake for good measure then pull out anyway into to 70mph traffic causing every one else to take evasive action

If you are a man with a tiny penis, you MUST drive a large, fast car in as aggressive a way as possible.

If you're elderly or drive a Honda jazz you're not allowed to go faster than 40mph. In fact, you must drive at 40mph absolutely everywhere even in a 30mph zone.