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Original poster

Trigger warning (child abuse). How do we cope

157 replies

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 13/12/2018 22:53

DD 3.5 disclosed something disturbing last night, and more this morning when (gently) questioned. I immediately rang nspcc and police and social services have been in touch.
I don't know how much I can or can't say. I'm devastated. The person involved is a family member. DD is fine in herself and physically afaik, if she hadn't have said what she said I'd never ever have considered the possibility that this could have happened.
I don't even know why I'm posting, my head is all over the place and I've cried every second the DC are out of sight.

OP posts:
User02 · 13/12/2018 23:15

This must be so shocking for you.

As much as you should be protective of DD also remember that you are shocked to the very core.
We have to be alert when a child talks to us even when we find it difficult ourselves.
I am glad that you found the courage to take those steps.

Wasywasydoodah · 13/12/2018 23:21

Well done believing her and doing the right thing reporting it. It’s incredibly difficult to do and you have been really brave and strong. Don’t listen to people who will say ‘no, that person couldn’t have done it’ or ‘you shouldn’t have said anything, he’s a good man’ etc etc. You’ve done exactly what your daughter needed you to do, and you are protecting her. This makes a massive difference in the recovery of children who have experienced abuse. Keep on - one foot in front of the other. You can call the nspcc helpline for advice and support through the process of police/social services involvement too, if you need to xx

EvenLess · 13/12/2018 23:23

How dreadful for you, your poor DD Sad. So glad she was able to say something to you. No words of advice as it sounds like you've done all the right things but a virtual handhold Flowers

EvenLess · 13/12/2018 23:26

Also, please think about contacting MOSAC, they might be able to help you: 0800 980 1958

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 13/12/2018 23:56

Thank you for your replies, I have the mosac number. DD just said a throw away comment that was disturbing so she and I casually probed a little and she expanded a little. Because she won't directly disclose to the police further action is unlikely. I don't want to believe it, but of course I will always believe what my dd says and will support her no matter what. To be honest I don't know what I'm asking, right now I'm lost, totally lost, she's just a baby, she's MY baby. It feels like an awful nightmare that I can't wake up from. Right now DD ( I also have a ds) seems totally normal, her behaviour hasn't changed, and she spoke of the "incident" so casually. Sorry I'm just babbling

OP posts:
Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 13/12/2018 23:57

*dh and I not she

OP posts:
User02 · 14/12/2018 01:40

If DD has told you who the person is, I think you need to carefully make some comment to any other parents of young DCs around the person. The risk that this person will approach your DD or any other child is too much to let this go. Could you try using your phone or some other device to record anything DD says?
I hope Police and SS are marking this person's card.

Youmatter · 14/12/2018 01:46

Oh your poor family! You sound like you’re being incredibly strong about this.

I think it’s amazing that DD has been able to open up to you in comfort.

This next while will be tough no doubt but you will never be alone.

I’m so sorry this is happening right now. There’s some monsters in this world

Iloveautumnleaves · 14/12/2018 02:00

I’m so sorry 🌷

When you say she ‘won’t disclose directly to the police’ do you mean you asked her or that she was ‘interviewed’in one of their child friendly play based settings and she wouldn’t open up?

Do you have enough information about what actually happened or do you need more?

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 14/12/2018 02:59

Talk to the NSPCC again, they have some post sexual abuse teams. You may not live near to one but if you could talk through it with someone it might help you feel a bit more in control.
They should also be able to give you resources in your area, at your dd's age the support would be for yourself rather than her.

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 14/12/2018 09:16

@iloveautummleaves she was "interviewed" at home along with ds, she wouldn't say anything to them and ds wasn't present so couldn't contribute.

The man does not have access to any other children, and will obviously never again have access to mine again, he is a family member and mine are the only children in the family.
A second officer came to see.us late last night and hinted that regardless of whether DD makes a direct disclosure this man is on their radar now and "other agencies" will be made aware, whatever that means.
We are just trying to maintain normalcy for the DC, while.breaking down in private.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 14/12/2018 09:25

She is young enough that she likely will forget a lot if you dont make a big deal of it I think, but keep your eyes and ears open if you do think she is affected. Youve done the right thing so that this person can be watched and hopefully charged.

ferrymeoff · 14/12/2018 09:42

You have done the right thing without a doubt.
I know it is a bad situation but just be relieved that your daughter spoke to you. In a strange way, this may have stopped a lot of suffering for other children and the police will know this and hopefully act accordingly.
I don't know the age of the man but it is possible that your daughter was not the first to be targeted.

Stephisaur · 14/12/2018 11:42

Gosh I have no advice, just wanted to say that you’ve done the right thing and I hope your DD is ok.

Big hugs from me xx

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 14/12/2018 11:50

Thank you again. We are trying to just carry on as normal, having somewhere anonymous to just babble is keeping me from just collapsing at this point, I can't talk to my dh both of us just fall apart and we can't do that with the children around. The police are re-interviewing her at school next week and we may have to get her examined by a Dr but awaiting advice from a specialist via the police. The situation is so complicated, I just can't think straight

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HollowTalk · 14/12/2018 11:54

That is so horrible. Your poor daughter. What a bastard that man is. Does he know you've involved the police? Have you spoken to him about it? The temptation to go round and rip his head off must have been enormous.

museumum · 14/12/2018 12:02

I’m not an expert but the people I know who suffered terribly from childhood abuse the biggest thing was the secrecy. So it’s great your ds has told you right away. Getting it out in the open immediately will hopefully mean it won’t come back to haunt her.

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 14/12/2018 13:31

OP, if you are in England the information will end up logged with the police and social care so that if any further concerns in relation come to light in respect of this individual he will already be known to authorities. If for example they applied to work in school, which would need an advanced disclosure this information would be shared. You are helping to keep other DC safe even if your DC is unable to talk to the police about it.
Do not speak to the person about it, I am sure the police will have told you this.
Flowers

KiteMarked · 14/12/2018 14:10

I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but you are obviously a good mother, taking these steps and protecting your daughter immediately after finding out. What you said here: I don't want to believe it, but of course I will always believe what my dd says and will support her no matter what. really touched me, and in my opinion, proves that your family will get through this.

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 14/12/2018 20:51

I'm in Wales to the pp. I haven't had any contact with him, I don't trust what I would do at this point in all honesty. So far he is unaware. DD will be examined next week by a specialist, from what I've seen (bathing etc) there's no visible injury and she isn't in discomfort or pain. Her school have been made aware by us and have been amazing. There is so much going on that I cant write here, it would be outing and quite frankly unbelievable from the outside.
I'm just drained, just as I think im ok I get the overwhelming feeling of drowning. Dh god love him isn't a communicative person, but seeing him hurting feels like another knife in my heart. Thankfully his employers have been amazing, offering support and time off.
My dd is just the same as always, thankfully her previous contact with this person has been very limited. We just have to wait until next week now to see what will happen going forward.

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Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 16/12/2018 17:44

Bumping my own thread, purely because today has been such a struggle. Lovely busy day yesterday with no time to think, today dh has gone back to work and my brain just won't stop. I can't seem to do anything I just want to cry. Or sleep. I have so much to do but just can't make myself do it.tuesday feels so far away.

OP posts:
louella99 · 16/12/2018 17:56

So sorry you are going through this. I work in this field (filling in the blanks from what you've said, so apologies for that). If the police are ultimately unable to take further action - hopefully they will be! but of course it depends on 'evidence' - please do ask for help if you need it. Social services, the mosaic project etc can still give you support. Sounds positive that school/work are being supportive. It's a huge shock. Don't expect too much of yourself, it sounds like you're doing a great job in hideous circumstances.

Youmatter · 16/12/2018 17:58

Hi! I was going to check in but I didn’t want to make you think about things if you were trying to have a peaceful weekend.

How are you doing? What’s on your mind? How is all the family?

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 16/12/2018 18:14

My DC are fine, DD seems to be coming down with something, she went all cuddley and weepy this afternoon, which sent me into a spiral of worry and what-ifs but after Calpol she bounced right back Blush just made me realize that everything has changed for us as parents.
The head of our family (as it were, I'm trying to not be too specific) is dying this is their last Christmas, a person I'm extremely close to. I was hosting for everyone, all so excited trying to make this final year a special one. The person involved is the other relatives carer(also family member) so obviously was meant to come.
We've been advised not to discuss with anyone who doesn't already know, and this would literally kill my elderly relative, who is so poorly, so we are in limbo. How do I tell a dying person I'm sorry Xmas is cancelled but I can't tell you why? There's no where else for them to go. We all live in a relatively small area so lying (I was going to say someone was ill) is out.
If "evidence" is found then all that is moot anyways. But if no evidence then I need to figure something out.
I'm babbling again, my thoughts are everywhere and no where at the same time. Obviously my children will never be alone with this person again, even if some miracle evidence was found to say it never happened, I won't ever be able to trust anyone again (with the exception on my own DH and DM) with them.

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Carly767 · 16/12/2018 18:32

Horrendous situation for you to have to consider the needs of dying relatives and the thought of hosting all for xmas. Doing what is right for your daughter, yourself and immediate trusted family is paramount. I won't hijack with my story but have to say that secrets in this situation are not healthy. Do not give this person home room however you can and as you are doing continue being there for your daughter who thankfully does not yet understand how wrong this persons actions are. So so sorry you are going through this at such a difficult time.