Trigger warning (child abuse). How do we cope

[Ahardmanisgoodtofind]

DD 3.5 disclosed something disturbing last night, and more this morning when (gently) questioned. I immediately rang nspcc and police and social services have been in touch.
I don't know how much I can or can't say. I'm devastated. The person involved is a family member. DD is fine in herself and physically afaik, if she hadn't have said what she said I'd never ever have considered the possibility that this could have happened.
I don't even know why I'm posting, my head is all over the place and I've cried every second the DC are out of sight.

I haven’t been in your position and have only read the first page as this is a difficult topic for me, but I just wanted to tell you that you are an incredible mother and you should be very proud of how you’ve handled this so far. I wasn’t able to tell, and when I eventually did I wasn’t believed until the person accidentally confirmed it. You’ve done an amazing thing by reporting this, not only for your daughter but for other children - as a victim I thank you and wish everyone followed this course of action.

I hope you can get the proper support you all need. She is still very young and the fact that she felt able to tell you hopefully suggests that she hasn’t been groomed psychologically which, along with the burden of the secrecy, can be more damaging than the abuse itself. Sending to you all.

Can you ask the police if they will likely to be interviewing the loathsome creature before Christmas? If no evidence is found and no further action taken I would suggest a simple message to him saying we know everything never darken our doorstep again and make other plans for Christmas or we will tell everyone would be sufficient. And then after your family member passes I would tell everyone anyway.however please seek advice from people who know more than me on that. Insidious bastards find a victim.

I’m so sorry your all going through this.

Sorry I didn’t realise there was four pages and most of my message is irrelevant. I’m glad the police will be making it clear he is to stay away

Oh sweetheart reading this made my blood run cold. It happened to a relatives DD at the same age, by another one of our relatives. Absolutely horrifying.
You clearly know your DD and are doing everything in your power to protect her now. I hope the vile bastard who did what they did to her suffers a long painful death.
No real advice from me because I can't imagine I would cope well with that kind of revelation from my little girl, in fact I would lose my shit completely.

My CSA happened when I was about 4 or 5. A relative too. It was a long long time ago and attitudes and legal processes were a lot different back then, so I have no relevant advice for you on that.

However, what I can tell you is that after the medical exam, which was done forcibly to a very scared little girl without any discussion or warning by the family GP, my parent's decided not to go to the police, and to brush it under the carpet. They never spoke to me about it again and if I touched on the subject it was abruptly shut down by them. The GP said that I was so young, and the abuse was not actual rape so I'd forget. I didn't.

All I saw around me was angry parents and I internalised that and blamed myself for their anger because I didn't have the understanding or the language to discuss or process what had been done to me, they felt that by discussing it would impede the forgetting that the GP said would happen (didn't help that it was a repressed religious upbringing either so 'rude' stuff was never openly discussed). I blamed myself. As an adult I was able to discuss what happened and how I felt but as a child, with my parents, I couldn't and that was what did the damage to me, not the actual incidents themselves. I was a bit of a wreck as a teen and in my twenties and I attribute a large part to my early childhood experiences.

These days there are specialised resources and child therapists that help a child so much. Avail of these all you can. Even if she seems fine and cannot verbalise it, she still needs to process it, and it will help her heal quicker than I did.

I think you are doing wonderfully. I wish my mum had been like you when I was little.

OP, you're doing everything right! I believe I'm the PP you referred to, sharing my experiences. I'm really glad that my insight has helped you.

I’m glad your DD’s examination went ok & that they didn’t find any evidence of physical harm to her.

Let us know how things go tomorrow 💐

You are doing amazing

OP, you are being a brilliant Mum.

Thinking about you and the family! Hope you’ve managed to keep busy ❤️

Thank you all. The police spoke with him, he denied everything of course, he's been advised not to contact us, which he agreed to. We have chosen to go completely NC with him, it's best for my dd, we explained to her that we wouldn't be seeing him again and she was happy with that. As there's no evidence there will be no further action. Now we just have to look after each other and try to move on, the police have said they will give us some information for councillors and such, which we will all utilise to try and process all of this. I swing from disbelief to certainty a hundred times a day, I still can't reconcile what he's done with the person I thought he was, but I believe my dd, I will always support and believe her.

Reading your posts is heartbreaking, you are being such a strong and supportive Mum I'm sure you'll all get through this in time. Parents who believe are wonderful. Take care.

@Ahardmanisgoodtofind I'm so sorry op

Ahardmanisgoodtofind i am sending you and your beautiful family strength and (((hugs))).

Your dc are so lucky to have such brilliant parents.

You've done brilliantly.

Whether he's charged or not, you may well have stopped him in his tracks and protected more children, just by putting him on the police radar.

Your DD is now safe and knows you love and believe her.

You deserve a wonderful Xmas, especially for your bravery in dealing with this head on.x.

You are doing brilliantly. Are social services involved? They have a different role and threshold for child protection is lower than for criminal charges. They should know of him to protect other children. Surprised they didn't interview your girl with police. Obviously you are protecting your child, but they may advise you. There is an issue whether to tell other family, other victims may come forward. Think first about this, there will be repercussions. You may wish to move on.
I wouldn't rush into counselling, it also maybe appropriate later. Look into it by all means. The main thing is to be open to your daughter and give her space to tell you things if she wants to, often they talk when in the car or busy doing something else. Don't quiz her or shut her down, just be aware, it may come out in play, drawings etc. Follow your instinct, it has been true so far. Happy Xmas for you and yours

This is such a sad thing to have happened to your family, and who can blame you for being in a tizzy and finding it hard to think straight. We would all be the same.

But you have done the right thing for your DD (and for other potential targets of this man's disordered behaviour) by informing the authorities. The important thing here is that your DD does not appear to have been traumatised and normal life is what she needs right now. It is good that you took her seriously, but did not make too big a deal of it with her - just gently asked the right questions - well done.

It is so hard when trust is broken, especially when someone so dear to you has been subjected to this experience.

I am sure this is filling your mind and your thoughts right now; but the people who do these things are a small minority of all the lovely people with whom your DD will come into contact over the years. Trust in others will return in its own time; and I know you will encourage your DC in their relationships with people around them.

You are going through a terrible time and my heart is with you.

Social services did a joint interview with the police and the social worker was present at the medical. We haven't heard from them since. We have made family aware, at least those who we/he has regular contact with, what they choose to do contact wise is their choice, but they are all aware we will have no further contact, there are no other children he has contact/exposure too. We are very much being led by our DD, fortunately (?) many years ago I actually began training as a social worker, and placed with a children and families team, what limited training I had and I've remembered has given us a baseline on how to report and react to dd to some degree. ( I mean very basic, and my reaction as a mother is so different to the theory I had a basic grasp of all those years ago).
So far bed time seems to be her comfort point, where she speaks most freely to me and dh, so we've adapted our routine so she has plenty of time to talk/get comfort if she wants that. I'm just angry now, but at least there's a line in someways so we can just focus on making Christmas special and not let it be tainted for the DC.

Of course, your feelings are involved, the danger of that is your daughter would think she is responsible for your upset or anger, so you need an outlet and support. There maybe a parents group, try nspcc again? Or just have a long walk, swim, rant and rage in a safe place.
Sounds like that bit of training is helping you, shame there is so little other support. You sound like you are doing exactly all the right things.
This can't be undone but it will fade, and hopefully your daughter willl not suffer lasting harm. Great that she is talking to you, hope your other child can also tell their feelings if needed. Very best wishes

I'm kind of horrified that a child can disclose something like this and that nothing further happens!

You're handling it so well, though. Your daughter is so lucky to have a mum like you.

I think it's because of her age and lack of any physical evidence.
Just to add to the "joy" this season has been , I just gone to wrap dh's present (snooker cue and case)which I ordered and never got round to opening with everything going on to find they've sent the wrong cue and the case fell apart on opening. I know it's stupid and it's just a silly cue but it just feels like the straw that broke the camel's back, even the simplest things just won't go right.

even the simplest things just won't go right

OP, you were right. You did everything right for your DD. I'm so sorry this has happened to your DD and your family, but your reaction has been incredible. Your DD will be just fine with you on her side. Please just take a minute and be proud of how you have handled this situation.

The very simplest and most important thing did go right OP, your dd felt able to disclose to you, you believed her and protected her. That makes you her superhero OP.

DH won't care. The important thing is you're all together & looking after one another

I just wanted to say that you sound like an amazing mother who is doing a wonderful job of dealing with something so awful. I hope that you, your DH and DC all have a lovely Christmas together