Trigger warning (child abuse). How do we cope

[Ahardmanisgoodtofind]

DD 3.5 disclosed something disturbing last night, and more this morning when (gently) questioned. I immediately rang nspcc and police and social services have been in touch.
I don't know how much I can or can't say. I'm devastated. The person involved is a family member. DD is fine in herself and physically afaik, if she hadn't have said what she said I'd never ever have considered the possibility that this could have happened.
I don't even know why I'm posting, my head is all over the place and I've cried every second the DC are out of sight.

You're an incredible mum, well done for believing her and removing this person from your life.

Have lurked on the thread since the start. I was long-term abused as a child which included a sexual component. It's really common for kids to obfuscate the memory of the event(s), but they tend to come back to clarity either through counselling as a teen/young adult, or unexpectedly and emotionally distressing as an adult. It took me 25 years to fully realise my sexual abuse, and most of the other abuse is still locked away in my psyche.

You're an amazing mum, amazing and super strong. My heartfelt very best wishes to you and your precious DD.

@sonnytrio no not her grandad, I don't want to be too specific just incase, but he's in his 50s.

We've delayed them a for quite a while already ( chicken pox then the second time was right after her disclosure). I like the jab lab idea. I asked if I could bring her in for some super fast (two minutes, just to show her the room, show her it's not scary) and they told me not to be silly all children are afraid of the jabs she will get over it.
I'm not normally a bribery type most of the time but may sneak a little toy or something in as a reward for being brave. If she shows any sign of real distress when we go in I may just rearrange and give her the toy (Poundland tat) for being brave enough to go in and build her up that way.
We've been reinforcing how brave she is, and dispell her fears (dragons, drs, Christmas which was really him coming for xmas ) that I just don't want to have to start all over again and so soon after everything, it's been a little over a month now. Idk we will just play it by ear and hope for the best.
I'm waiting for everything to really hit me, I haven't really grieved for the person who died, we were very close, and with the one going case we're in limbo just waiting. There's other things which would be very outing, but my life feels like a soap opera, sometimes I feel totally disconnected like I'm watching it all unfold. Like I'm watching a TV show and crying at something on the screen then turn over to the next thing and forget until the next emotional/dramatic episode. I'm waffling again- sorry

OP I've just found your thread.

Like others I think you've handled what has happened as well as anyone could have expected and done all the right things

It's totally reasonable that your head is spinning with all this. It's a hell of a lot to process.

A sense of disbelief that this is happening to you is utterly normal.

As a pp wisely suggested there's a lot of merit (in front of the children at least) in "fake it till you make it".

However don't be afraid to reach out for support for yourself with your GP (this applies equally to your DH).

Take care

Just wanted to wish you and your family well. For your relative who was preyed on for so long, hopefully she along with your DD will get the justice deserved.
I'm annoyed on your behalf that the clinic wouldn't let your child see the room beforehand to see that it's nothing to worry about. Some children need more preparation than others for all kinds of reasons. There's a lovely programme on CBeebies called Get Well Soon with a lovely doctor and puppets which might be on iplayer. My 4 year old loves it and loves playing doctors. Also, it might be possible to get some play therapy to help the appointment for the jab go right. I'd ask the GP if it's possible to have it done somewhere that this is available to prevent the next medical appointment being another negative one. Perhaps the GP will see her first to have a nice appointment. I definitely (and I'm a big pro-vaxer) would consider putting this booster off until you can make sure it's going to go well. You have good cause.

This sounds like a very difficult situation for you & your DH. You sound like wonderful, supportive parents.

I hope all goes well at the jab lab! (totally stealing this idea)

How lucky are your family to have you - you are an absolute legend of a lady! I have nothing helpful to say but I wanted you sound so lovely, selfless and just amazing x

I have no advice but as the parent of a similar aged daughter, I wanted to say that you and your DH are amazing and your DD is so brave. You have done everything to make sure she is protected and show her how important she is. This horrendous experience will not define her, not with parents like you

Hi OP I'm so sorry this has happened to your daughter and your family. You come across as a wonderful mother. She's very lucky to have you.

Would it be possible to tell the dr what DD experienced the last time she went to see a dr? It's something that only the coldest, cruelest heart wouldn't make an exception for. Don't tell them she's doing ok though (because that's actually irrelevant to this issue).

I'd understand if you don't want to tell them. Just putting it out there because your daughter should be treated more carefully and it's possible she will be if they actually know.

You - and she - should never have had to be in this situation.

And your relative who is reporting too is amazing.

The examination and report was forwarded to the gp, with our permission, so they know, unfortunately our gp surgery is run by some very unforgiving and awful people (that's a whole other thread). I think I'll go in my self and kick up a bit of a fuss, DD deserves some understanding and if they don't I'll postpone for a few weeks until half term, try and shoe horn the appointment into a fun filled family day.

Great ideas about trying to make her comfortable for her vaccinations

You are doing amazing

Biggest hugs. You’re going through an awful lot 💐

I can’t believe someone said that to you about DD and her jabs. I wonder if they’ve read her notes? I’d ask again, checking they have.

I was very honest with DC what the jabs were for (basically just said to stop her getting xyz) and that they hurt, but mostly at the time, but for a bit after too. But I told her it was ok to cry and we’d go for hot chocolate after (her ‘thing’ at the time). I don’t see it as a ‘bribe’ I just see it as a nice treat after something horrible, because she was getting them done irrespective of anything, it wasn’t optional iyswim.

Delaying won’t hurt either.

I wish there was something more I/we could do to help with any of the things you’re dealing with. I’m guessing there’s probably not, but let us know if there is 💐 and remember we’re here if you need to vent.

Sorry, venting again. Nothing is happening. My relative who reported her abuse has heard nothing, the police asked her to gather some specific things which could be used as evidence, which she did immediately now she can't even get a call back to tell her how/when to pass it on. I've had no contact from the police at all, even though at her interview they said they'd be in contact with me. It's been nearly a month, and nothing. It's slowly driving me insane, day to day we're all back to normal, DD is her usual self-esteem although she did tell my mother what happened randomly afew days ago, so she hasn't forgotten. I'm so frustrated, I feel like there's no hope this bastard is going to get justice, we've reported that he's destroyed at least one hard drive, that we know of (although we don't believe he know about the new complaint against him), and nothing, not even a call back. I could scream! I'm sick of people saying I look tired or stressed or my new favourite (I work with slot of older people) " you young people don't know what stress is!" I just want to stand on the roof tops and scream it!! (Apologies again for the rambling)

So many typos! Sorry (new phone)

The wheels of justice grind slowly
Which is honestly true OP. I spent 10 years working with the child victims of sex abuse and would say that a year is a reasonably speedy time frame for a case to be totally wrapped up, it could often be longer and historical cases can be more complex.

www.parentsprotect.co.uk/faqs.amp.htm#WHAT%20HELP%20IS%20THERE%20FOR%20VICTIMS?

Just incase you don't have any of the info OP. 🌸

@freezinguplands thank you. I know I'm being impatient, it's the lack of any communication that's so frustrating, it's been just shy of a month since my relative made her official statement, she was reassured that once handed over to a "specialist team" the next steps would be explained ect but nothing. He spent more than a decade abusing her, and abused my DD only last month, but apart from a voluntary interview (and no further action from that) nothing. We can't definitively say he has no contact with children, our entire family is NC with him, we have no idea what he does with his days/nights.
Just to know in what way they are investigating would be helpful, because they certainly aren't speaking to family (as they initially said they would be).
It's just.... Frustrating.

@Ahardmanisgoodtofind Is it ok if I send you a PM about this thread?

@simplysteve yes of course.

Still no movement on the police front, my poor relative (I'll call her jo- because it's short to type) is going slowly insane. I tried to get some information from the police but was told (predictably) that because it's not DDS case they can't tell me anything at all. We never did get the referrals to councillors or anything.
We postponed DDS injections until half term week, that way it's getting shoe horned into lots of fun activities.
Probate should be completed on my relatives estate soon, now we're(Jo and I) worried that the b-d will get his inheritance and run.
Everyone in rl has moved on, because there's nothing new happening no one wants to talk, but sometimes I need to talk about it. The more rl moves on the more anxious I feel, I have horrible nightmares and I just have no patience for anyone, very selfish but I just don't have enough headspace for other people's nonsense right now.
Just another babble really.

Feel free to babble, you're going through something that nobody wants to and it's hard. Lots of love and support here for you all. Your relative has been so brave and I'm sure people haven't forgotten what happened they just get to put it aside and you can't.

So here am I again to ramble. Phone call from the police today they're coming to take a statement from me tomorrow about my daughter. Spoke to "Jo" who had been contacted at the same time. Between her giving her statement and now nothing has been done, an investigating officer was only assigned the case yesterday! It's over two months now since my daughter's disclosure and well over a month since Jo's. Just as we were getting on an even keel it's all just come right back, I could just sit and cry and rant and rave, I've got work tonight no I idea how I'll concentrate.

I have no idea what to say but I'm sorry you, jo and your daughter are going through this and how long it's taking.
I really hope justice is won

I'll be thinking of you, your daughter and 'Jo' tomorrow.

Hope you are hanging in there OP. It isn't going to be a quick process and you aren't going to have any control over it, so it's often going to appear when you least want it too or feel able to manage. Have you got a support network in RL, people who will listen to you and have a cup of tea or stronger with you?
It will finish in the end though. You have protected your dd and other people's dc. 🌸

Yesterday was rough, I even cried off work, (which I've never done in my life!) I just couldn't face it. I thought I'd be ok but recounting everything just....destroyed me all over again. I'm not even 100% sure why they're speaking to us/getting statements now, after telling us there was nothing the first time round.
DD is fine, so far they don't want to speak to her again, but we've been talking to her and ds more frequently about police and teachers being trustworthy and are people we can tell anything to. DD seems to be taking that in and maybe when the time comes she will tell them her "secret"(her word not mine, we reinforce that we don't have secrets etc).
DH making his statement next week and then we will see what happens. Jo is doing well, she's relieved that something is happening finally.