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Original poster

Trigger warning (child abuse). How do we cope

157 replies

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 13/12/2018 22:53

DD 3.5 disclosed something disturbing last night, and more this morning when (gently) questioned. I immediately rang nspcc and police and social services have been in touch.
I don't know how much I can or can't say. I'm devastated. The person involved is a family member. DD is fine in herself and physically afaik, if she hadn't have said what she said I'd never ever have considered the possibility that this could have happened.
I don't even know why I'm posting, my head is all over the place and I've cried every second the DC are out of sight.

OP posts:

Rosy17 · 17/12/2018 20:16

I just wanted to send hugs. I have been through this with my DD so I can understand how distraught you must feel.
It's such a shock, and it's something you never think would happen to your family. The fact that you have believed your daughter and love her will keep you all going. Please get help though. Our daughter really responded well to play therapy and I had counselling too but this couldn't happen until our case had gone to court. Please PM me if you want to as I appreciate it's difficult to go into specifics. I just wanted you to know you are not alone x

bobstersmum · 17/12/2018 20:28

So sorry you are going through this op. My worst nightmare, the urge to kill him must be so intense x

RockingAroundTheChristmasTree1 · 17/12/2018 20:31

OP just wanted to say first of all, you sound like an amazing mummy ❤
I would always believe my children, over anybody. You have to. Imagine if you didn't and then something else happened!
My best friend was abused by her paternal grandfather from being a small baby up until about 3. They only found out because she was saw and red. She use to come back from there just her normal self, cheerful etc..it was only when her mother asked why she was saw that she said what had happened.
She does not remember anthing about it! It has not affected her at all, as she has no memories of it.
I can not imagine what you are going through right now, but I just wanted to share that with you, as hopefully she is young enough to not remember anything about it!

You have the ultimate strength to manage not to say anything to him. Even if there isn't enough evidence to prosecute him, couldn't the police still go there and have a word with him. So he knows, you know? If he is willing to do something like this, I dread to think what would be on his computer etc! They should be bloody searching his house 😡

MrSnowmansCarrotStickNose · 17/12/2018 21:53

You are being so strong op just wanted to offer you my love and

Youmatter · 18/12/2018 13:13

Hope your doing ok?

ForgivenessIsDivine · 18/12/2018 14:28

Take care lovely lady but don't feel like you need to have this person in your house. Talk to the police. Ask them if they are planning to do something and if they are to do it before Christmas. Ask them to give you a reason to request that this person does not come to your house even if it means the police talking to them and advising them that they should not come.

Original poster

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 18/12/2018 19:31

Dd's welfare exam went as well as could be expected, no injury or anything which was a huge relief, and she seems ok afterwards thankfully. Tomorrow we hear from the police and social services as to where we go from here. Ds is upset because we couldn't go to his Christmas service, so I'm feeling like the shittiest mother going right now. Christmas has been totally forgotten about and I only realised today we haven't got dds presents sorted, I had everything in my basket but just forgot how close it actually is and now I'm stressing about that too. I'm rambling again

OP posts:

Shouldhavedoneitsooner · 18/12/2018 22:23

Well done for getting through it today. Don’t worry about missing the concert. There will have been lots of children whose parents couldn’t come. Get online and buy the basket. It will probably help to focus on the fun stuff of Christmas. You can keep making all those wonderful memories for you children and surround them with love and care. You forget the details and the gifts in later life but you don’t forget that. Your decisions so far make you the antithesis of a shitty parent. Good Luck tomorrow!

Original poster

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 18/12/2018 22:43

It's all out of stock! We.bought her a huge dolls.house, I was going to either order Playmobil sets or wooden ones and just forgot.
In some ways I'm thankful because I know Thursday I am going to be running around like a crazy person last minute shopping- but at least I'll be busy and have a purpose.

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 18/12/2018 23:18

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to your daughter and your family. You are absolutely doing the right thing trying to be normal. I do think children pick up on parent stress though - you might at some point consider play therapy for her.
If you need an 'excuse' to cancel the Christmas meal with a little bit of notice for everyone - we were once quarantined by the doctor for hand-foot-and mouth disease. I literally had one blister on my finger so no obvious signs to the outside world.

Youmatter · 18/12/2018 23:55

You have a purpose!

You’re keeping the ship afloat and you’re speaking here like an absolute Wonder Woman.

DaisyDreaming · 19/12/2018 05:57

I didn’t comment before as I didn’t have anything to add but I’ve been thinking of you

Isadora2007 · 19/12/2018 06:23

You sound like a great mum and I hope the busyness of Xmas prep helps you in some way. I agree that you could invent a need for quarantine due to a possible illness that means you can’t host Christmas but you could maybe white lie to the kids and say other people are poorly so can’t come? It’s a real tough one- and I am sure that you will make the day special for your children regardless.
I feel for you so much as we all want our children to be safe and happy. 💕

ForgivenessIsDivine · 19/12/2018 07:14

Can we help source the presents? Mumsnet is very good at this...

olympic19 · 19/12/2018 14:24

You're doing wonderfully just keeping things on an even keel. Be gentle with yourself; you've had a terrible shock and are dealing with it as best as you know how.

Citylivingwithdogs · 20/12/2018 13:34

Just wanted to say what a wonderful parent you are. Your children are so lucky to have a Mum like you. Remember all you can do is your best, things might feel a little different for your children this year but I’m sure they will be fine. X

jessstan2 · 20/12/2018 21:05

Thank goodness you have nipped it in the bud. This is awful for you.

Veganforlife · 20/12/2018 21:07

I couldn't read and run.i have a daughter ,I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.i really hope your lovely daughter can forget and carry on with her life.i really hope the man is punished ,and the police can bring charges.i hope you all find some peace eventually x

Original poster

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 20/12/2018 21:35

The police don't think any charges will.be bought, they will be interviewing him tomorrow, on a voluntary basis, with out evidence there's very little they can do.
A pp described her experience and said how it affected her seeing her family with her abuser. That really resonated with me, I realized I hadn't actually given my dd a direct choice about the man attending Xmas dinner, even briefly. So I asked and she said no.
Before I had danced around the subject, trying to guage her response, and I think she was being her gorgeous little self-agreeing and smiling because that's her personality, she wants everyone to be happy. She said no- so that's the decision, he no longer exists to us. I will not have her believing she's any thing less than our main priority ( with her brother of course). To that poster a huge thank you, your experience, and you sharing that has made a huge difference to our lives, to my daughter's life.
She's doing really well so far, once the police see him tomorrow I'm sure he will get the message loud and clear to stay the fuck away from us. I will not let this ruin Christmas for my DC they're real believers in all the magic of the season and I want to bring that for them!

OP posts:

TheDistantSky · 20/12/2018 21:42

Sorry no advice but just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum. Thank you for believing her and protecting her. You really are a good mum x

MustShowDH · 20/12/2018 21:45

What a fantastic mother you are. You picked up on an offhand comment and immediately did the right thing. With any luck your DD wont remember any of this, but she will always know you love her and believe her when it matters.

(Know its not the point, but playmobil have a direct site. I ordered something that came in 2 days via U.P.S www.playmobil.co.uk/?source=awin&awc=8045_1545342081_f95bf1ccbf3462e0b4feb9dfbf18f8a6&src=zanox&campaign=zanox/UK )

Youmatter · 20/12/2018 23:16

My god I’m a pms dragon and I’m absolutely balling my eyes out here!

I’m so sorry no charges have been brought but I get the feeling your little family is tighter than ever and the way you have handled this is absolutely incredible.

You, your real family and your babies will have a Christmas that marks the time you all grew stronger and closer. DD sounds like the most amazing little sweety and it’s clear that will never change.

I really hope you’re doing ok ❤️

SnowyPaws5 · 20/12/2018 23:21

I'm so sorry OP. All you can do now is be there for her

Pheasantplucker2 · 20/12/2018 23:34

Your DD is lucky to have you. Stay strong. Although it's so tough to have to make decisions around a dying relative, I would have thought that - once he is interviewed, you or DH could send the abuser a text message to make it clear that he is not welcome under any circumstances, and you will make arrangements for relative to attend without him. Could the other 2 people who are attending and know collect the relative, so you or DH don't have to go anywhere near.

Hopefully your DD will have no memories of this, much love to you all. How these vile men can live with themselves I have no idea.

I hope Christmas Day goes as well as can be expected, hugs to you lovely. xxx

StoppinBy · 20/12/2018 23:42

I couldn't imagine what you are going through, if anyone did this to my child the struggle to not go and deal with them myself would be very real but the reality is my child needs me more than I would need to exact revenge.

I agree with other posters that if she is very calm and unbothered about what happened I would speak to a counsellor who specialises in these things yourself and ask if you would be best to just confirm what that man did was not ok but to not make a big deal of it as she is very young if it has not had an impact on her she will likely forget about it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, wishing you all the best.

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