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Original poster

Trigger warning (child abuse). How do we cope

157 replies

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 13/12/2018 22:53

DD 3.5 disclosed something disturbing last night, and more this morning when (gently) questioned. I immediately rang nspcc and police and social services have been in touch.
I don't know how much I can or can't say. I'm devastated. The person involved is a family member. DD is fine in herself and physically afaik, if she hadn't have said what she said I'd never ever have considered the possibility that this could have happened.
I don't even know why I'm posting, my head is all over the place and I've cried every second the DC are out of sight.

OP posts:
feelyourpain46 · 24/12/2018 09:07

We have just been through this with our DD. It was the only person we ever trusted our children to stay with and really was the last person you would suspect. A family member.
You sound like a very strong amazing mummy Flowers Thoughts and prayers are with you. PM me you want to.

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 06/01/2019 08:13

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. The person who was very ill came to us for Christmas (the bastard did not), the person died a few days ago.
During the many hours at the hospital we told several family members about dd, one family member disclosed that the bastard abused her when she was a child, she's bravely reported her abuse to the police, the police haven't yet interviewed her, they will be doing so early next week.
Not sure why I'm posting. Just an update really.

OP posts:
Pommes · 06/01/2019 08:28

@Ahardmanisgoodtofind Oh, OP, condolences for your loss. I know you mentioned the relative was close to you and I'm glad they got to spend Christmas with you. I'm sorry that he has another victim (possibly more) but this adds so much evidence to the case against him, let's hope it can now proceed to a well deserved conviction. I also hope the other victim doesn't feel guilty for not reporting sooner.

How is your daughter doing now?

mrspicklepants27 · 06/01/2019 08:44

Cant just read and run. Need to say what a strong and fantastic mother you are, you have done your family so very proud. If only more Mums were like you x

Rubytinsleslippers · 06/01/2019 08:45
Flowers
Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 06/01/2019 09:03

@pommes DD is doing really well, no mention of anything since before Christmas, at one point she was "scared of Christmas" we worked out she was scared of Him coming for Xmas, once she was reassured we would never see him again she stopped being afraid.
The other "victim" (I know she'd hate that term he certainly the "") does feel guilty, but she has no reason to, she had no idea this man babysat (twice), she doesn't live locally, the second she was told about dd she contacted me and then the police, I'm grateful shes had the courage to do so. I'm heartbroken for her, we all are, her abuse went on for many years and she's never told a soul until now, by her own account she's gotten through it all by compartmentalizing her experiences, she's incredible and she's given us hope that we will get justice and that long term DD will be ok (I hope)

OP posts:
Springmachine · 06/01/2019 09:26

I'm so sorry for your loss but so pleased they were able to have their last Christmas with you.

I'm so full of emotion reading your latest update.
Happy in a way that it sounds like justice will be done but terribly sad for the ongoing abuse that's been uncovered on other family member.
You are an amazing mother.
I'm feeling pride for your daughter being able to talk to you. It shows great strength even at that age.

Pommes · 06/01/2019 13:19

@Ahardmanisgoodtofind You have handled this with such strength. A worst nightmare for any parent but your DD is lucky to have you. Wishing you, your DD, and the other victim the absolute best outcome and a long prison term for the perpetrator.

StillMe1 · 06/01/2019 22:02

Sending you, DD and other relative huge hugs. So proud that you all have had the courage to face this head on. I hope the "b--" gets what they earned.
Sorry for the loss of your ill relative.

EatCrisps · 07/01/2019 06:30

Thanks for you all

springtimeyet · 08/01/2019 14:49

Sunlight really is the best disinfectant in situations like these. By believing your dd, protecting her and then being open about why, you have hopefully prevented any further abuse of DC from a serial long term offender. You should feel very proud of your parenting.
I am sorry for the loss of our relative.

JaniceBattersby · 08/01/2019 14:57

I’ve just seen your update on this OP. You sound like a great mum. You believed her and stopped the abuse as soon as she told you. That will be a huge aid to her recovery. Your DD has a really great chance of coming out of this ok.

Hope this man gets what’s coming to him eventually. At least he’ll be living in fear of prosecution for the rest of his life.

springchicken123 · 08/01/2019 23:59

OP so very sad to read of your experience. Really glad the other victim has spoken up. Sending you all best wishes Thanks

TougheningUp · 09/01/2019 09:13

OP, you've been doing so well for your DD. I am so proud of you. You're doing the right thing in speaking gently to your DD about all of this, and making sure she feels safe and loved. If only more parents were like you.

I hope you get some justice now that someone else has come forward.

VivaDixie · 09/01/2019 09:34

Oh OP I am reading this with tears in my eyes. You and DH are amazing parents and have dealt with thiswith such strength.

I am also proud of your other family member for her bravery in reporting the sick bastard. It is is upsetting circumstances but hopefully this will lead to justice.

Flowers for you all and for the PPs who have gone through this.

Youmatter · 18/01/2019 02:14

Hey I’ve been thinking about you a lot tonight with no idea why really!

I’m so sorry to hear of the passing. How’s your little family unit doing?

I can’t believe another poor person has suffered at the hands of this pig but I’m so so glad she has been able to be so brave. A real saving grace.

I really hope you’re doing ok and I know the thread died a little but please know you can always come here, to genuine care.

Sending hugs!

Ps.. wish we were having a natter over a wine❤️❤️❤️

Bloodybridget · 18/01/2019 02:30

OP I read this thread in December and didn't post, but having seen your later posts now, just want to add to what others have said about how well you and your DP are managing this. There was an abuser in my extended family - dead many years ago, thank goodness - and the legacy of his actions is still affecting family relationships, in part because he was never openly accused or prosecuted.

Wishing you, and all those this man has hurt, strength and healing.

ILoveChristmasLights · 18/01/2019 16:19

I yes, I keep thinking about you, DD & your family member too. I’ve tried not to post so that the thread goes quiet until YOU want to post, but maybe you’d rather we posted? It’s hard to know what others would prefer. Anyway, as YouMatter had bumped it, I thought I’d take the opportunity to send some hugs too xx

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 19/01/2019 17:29

Thank you for the messages, I haven't been back on here much, as we've been organising the funeral and dealing with all that sort of stuff. The other "victim" and I agreed we would tell the extended family everything in the run up to the funeral, and it was agreed He would not be welcome. He was told it was because of my dd He still doesn't know about the new complaint against him. He's threatening to sue and other such guff but everyone has ignored him and He didn't attend the funeral thankfully.
DD has been fabulous, I'm very up and down, I think I'll be going to the gp this week, get some advice/prescription to get me back on an even keel.
Since my relative reported her case has been passed on to a "specialist team" who haven't been in touch with any one at all (nearly two weeks on now), despite her calling trying to report further information, very frustrating and worrying!!
DD does now have a real fear of drs since her examination, and next week has her booster jab appointment, so we're trying to reassure her that drs are good , but I'm worrying that the next time she sees one they're going to hurt her and that's going to shake her trust in them/us.
Your messages really do mean alot, in RL everyone I know is still reeling from my relatives disclosure and case so it's hard to talk about my dd & experience, especially as a few who knew about dd first apparently didn't really believe her and we're still in touch with Him (no DC)

OP posts:
Sonnytrio · 19/01/2019 17:49

You have done the right thing op! I'm guessing this is and older man? Was it her grandad? Hope you don't mind me asking Flowers

IceBearRocks · 19/01/2019 17:53

You are an amazing mum!!! I did not disclose my abuse until the close relative died as I was worried about how it would make my mum feel!
Mine started about her age too...or that's when I can remember!!! I'm so proud of your DD that she disclosed and wasn't brainwashed like me!!!
You are an amazing mummy too!!!

safetyfreak · 19/01/2019 17:59

I think it is fantastic you have such an open relationship with your DD that she told you something was wrong.

I have had many talks with my daughter about private parts and telling me if anyone touched her etc.

I do not have any insight into the police investigation but you should be proud of yourself for protecting your daughter.

slithytove · 19/01/2019 18:11

May I suggest that you don’t tell her it’s a doctor doing the jabs?

We did similar when a friends son was having teeth removed, we didn’t call it a dentist as we didn’t want him to have that associated fear.

So could you say we are going to the HCP’s / Jab lab / other inane name which is in the same building as where the doctors work?

Also try and take her to any doctors appts you have where it’s innocuous so she can see it’s ok

slithytove · 19/01/2019 18:13

Also if these are her preschool boosters can they be delayed a couple of months?

WeakAsIAm · 19/01/2019 18:22

If it is just her boosters why don't you delay them for a few weeks.
You could arrange 1 or 2 visits to the surgery that are not something bad in between, maybe a little chat with practice nurse or maybe even just go and read a book.
That way not all experiences are negative for her when she gets there.
Hugs to you and for family xx

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