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Original poster

Trigger warning (child abuse). How do we cope

157 replies

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 13/12/2018 22:53

DD 3.5 disclosed something disturbing last night, and more this morning when (gently) questioned. I immediately rang nspcc and police and social services have been in touch.
I don't know how much I can or can't say. I'm devastated. The person involved is a family member. DD is fine in herself and physically afaik, if she hadn't have said what she said I'd never ever have considered the possibility that this could have happened.
I don't even know why I'm posting, my head is all over the place and I've cried every second the DC are out of sight.

OP posts:
Youmatter · 16/12/2018 18:44

Listen I think you are handling this better than you think!

I just want you to know, for what it’s worth.. I’ll always be here for you. To listen. To shout at. To bounce ideas. Anything. This is your place.

Is there absolutely no way you can still host? I know everything has changed and that person won’t be welcome but everyone else.. I’d hate for you to look back on this and regret not having them round. The rest of the family who don’t know can just assume this monster is ill and that’s why they’re not attending.

I think you need the stress and chaos to take your mind off it. You’ll be surrounded by the most important people and you need it.

In no way am I being insensitive but fake it til you make it. Force the smiles until you DCs are making you laugh for real.

BifsWif · 16/12/2018 18:46

I couldn’t read and not reply, even though I don’t have a clue what to say.

Please be kind to yourself, consider speaking to your GP and getting some support outside the family home. You need to process this and try and move forward too, I can’t imagine how much you are hurting.

I’m so sorry, I hope your daughter is well. Keeping you both in my thoughts and hoping that the vile bastard who did this to her suffers.

CrimsonCloverHoney · 16/12/2018 19:04

I'm so sorry for the hell you're going through. I don't know what else to say Sad Flowers

notapizzaeater · 16/12/2018 19:08

I echo everyone else, can't help but an thinking of toy, have you been offered family counselling?

WhyAmISoCold · 16/12/2018 19:31

Sorry OP. What a nightmare for you.

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 16/12/2018 19:52

@youmatter. thank you, so far faking it has helped especially around DC and keeping busy yesterday was a relief, just allowed my brain to switch off for a few hours and forget. as yet the man is unaware that anything is happening, if there's no direct disclosure or physical evidence of abuse found during dds examination, he won't be notified, he may be discreetly investigated or monitored but not informed. If that happens there's no way of hosting everyone except him without telling everyone. It's all a mess. I did genuinely consider sending him chocolate or wine laced with laxatives so he'd be ill Xmas day and unable to attend.

OP posts:
Youmatter · 16/12/2018 20:38

How that bastard can show his face is beyond me!

What if you were to approach him, be shifty but don’t disclose anything. There’s no way he could have the balls to appear.

God if that was me I would genuinely get a cheap sim card and text him with a ‘I know what you did, pedo’

Sorry they are terrible thoughts and ideas and absolutely don’t help.

I’m just glad you have a way of taking your mind off it

Autumnleaves19 · 16/12/2018 20:51

OP sending you strength. Every parents worst nightmare Thanks

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 16/12/2018 22:55

Have you agreed with the police or social services not to allow your dc to have contact with the perpetrator?
Even if your dc does not make an allegation to the police due to age/nerves which isn't unusual It would seem likely that social services would expect that you never again allowed your dc to have unsupervised contact with them.
Ask social services what they advise as they know the specifics of your case, they are also really familiar with how to manage such things. If this is currently a police only investigation then contacting social services should give you more support around this kind of issue.
Your key focus has to be on providing your dd with a safe place to heal so her sexual abuser cannot be hosted in her house or seen to be friendly with her parents. Also after a couple of glasses of wine how likely is it one of you may lose it with him? Laxatives may be the least of your thoughts.

tempname111 · 16/12/2018 23:10

How utterly distressing for you Thanks

Could you all be "poorly/have a bug" on Christmas Eve and be unable to host? Just to give you some breathing space?

Branleuse · 16/12/2018 23:14

How on earth will they determime whether any assault took place if shes not being examined till next week?

BumbleBeee69 · 16/12/2018 23:34

How on earth will they determime whether any assault took place if shes not being examined till next week?

I agree, it seems to be an exceptionally long delay for something so sensitive and important, I hope it’s to involve additional support agencies and have them in place in time for the examination.

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 16/12/2018 23:57

Additional agencies were involved from the outset at our request. I have no idea why they've made the appointment so far away.
He will never have unsupervised contact with my children again, as I've said up thread, no matter what happens, that is a given regardless of any out come.

OP posts:
DaisyDreaming · 17/12/2018 01:04

I don’t have any advice but wanted to leave a supportive message

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 17/12/2018 01:38

OP you have been really clear about your wish to defend your DC and protect them, please don't think I have thought otherwise. It just becomes much harder to supervise contact if a perpetrator is in your home particularly if others aren't aware of the need for supervision, one quick glass of water, trip to the bathroom, popping outside for a phone call etc becomes a major hazard. In addition to abuse there is the concerns of threats being made to your dd.
A possible reason for the delay is that any physical evidence would be historical and a short delay wouldn't change the outcome of the findings. It could also be from what they are aware of they don't expect to find anything, in which case those cases which may have current evidence would take precedence. There is a significant shortage in some areas of the country of the specialist doctors who undertake these examinations.
If the police have closed the case you will be able to say whatever you like to the perpetrator to explain they can no longer visit the house, if the case is still open one of the agencies should support you in planning for this to happen.
OP I truly do feel for you and hope you are getting meaningful support for the agencies around you.

Iloveautumnleaves · 17/12/2018 01:49

Do you think it was a one off, or do you think it might have been going on for a while?

As DD mentioned it ‘in passing’ and didn’t seem upset, I guess all you can hope is that she soon forgets it. If they don’t know something is out of the ordinary and aren’t alarmed by it, there’s no reason to think it will cause her any issues in the future.

I would pass the examination off as a 3 year old health check, and make sure they make the actual examination they need to do is only a part of her ‘check up’ - get her distracted by checking her fingers wiggle, she can clap, jump etc. Make it kind of fun, being ‘healthy’. I’m sure they’re used to it, but I’d be making VERY sure it was not just a check up the essential things.

One thing to keep in your mind is that whilst you just want to hold her close and never let anyone else except DH & DM care for them, that’s not healthy for any of you. It’s not something you need to do right now, but just try not to think like that and get it set in your mind. If you are too over protective of them in the future, you’ll change her life more than this incident will have and that would be really sad.

As for Christmas, that’s SO hard. Is the carer the partner of the person that’s dying (so, so sorry 🌷x) or say a son/daughter? It’s more difficult if it’s the partner, but if it’s the son/daughter/whatever, could you not encourage them to let you take over the caring for the day/few days and they have a day/few days ‘off’ and see friends?

Obviously if they’re the carer and you love the ill person, it’s going to be an ongoing issue to some degree.

Do you think DD would be upset to see the person?

Is there any chance it’s not quite what it seems? Sometimes kids say things that are true and correct, but totally give the wrong impression.

You must be completely shattered x

olympic19 · 17/12/2018 02:07

OP, I could weep for you. I was your daughter. When I told my parents they went to the police but it was decided (by whom I'm not sure) not to prosecute. It was my maternal grandfather.

He had much more "access" to me than he did to my cousins but my mother's siblings were all told about what he had done. 35 years later, the thing that still bothers me (after years of therapy) is the fact that my extended family continued to invite this man to their homes for Christmas, etc. I doubt they left their children alone with him, but what he did (repeatedly) to me was not enough to have him "cast out" of the family. Because it was treated as something that everyone knew but no-one discussed, it made me feel as though I was part of a terrible, sordid secret. As a PP suggested, it was the secrecy that was most toxic. To this day I despise my family members who wanted to sweep it under the carpet.

I truly hope that your daughters experience was not as systematic as mine, but I would really urge you to strongly consider telling your family exactly why your family member is not welcome at Christmas. And make sure he knows that you've told everyone.

Dying relative apart (and I have such compassion for you, dealing with all of this!) your family member, and your daughter, do not deserve for this to be treated as a family secret.

Sending you love as you process this.

YouCouldBeMe · 17/12/2018 07:47

OP I can't even imagine what you are going through. You sound incredibly strong even if you dint feel it.

As you feel you can't cancel hosting Christmas entirely can you bring the relative with the bad news to your house on CE or BD and say to him\her.carer can have a day off? Then cancel the big Christmas & spend it just yourselves? This would allow you to spend time with them & not have to tell anyone?

I really think you are amazing. I think I would be over-powered with hate

Original poster
Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 17/12/2018 08:36

Thank you again for the replies, I'll try and answer what I can.
I can't speak to the man directly, the police were very specific about that and I won't compromise any investigation they may be doing. They also advised me against telling anyone further than the two individuals I spoke with- in case of an emergency they would be the people to care for my child, I didn't want to risk them visiting with this person.
I have told two family members what's going on, so of the people in attendance 4 will know, 2do not a plus this man.
I pray that this is all a mistake, but I just don't know, I don't even have a gut feeling, nor does dh.
He has cared for my children on very few occasions, and nothing DD says suggests that this has happened previously.
We do not see this person regularly in person. Both DC are upset at the possibility that some people may not be coming for Xmas day, this man included, we had been menu planning/decorating and planning the day together up until last week.
We will be able to see the dying relative without the carer in the future, in fact we visit when carer isn't there, as it's easier/quieter for everyone.
Olympic19, thank you for sharing your experience, so incredibly difficult for you, this will not be treated as a dirty family secret, my daughter ( as you did) deserve more than that

OP posts:
olympic19 · 17/12/2018 10:21

I hadn't realized that the police advised you not to discuss this with anyone, OP. Of course you're doing right by following that advice. You sound like a wonderful mother and your daughter is lucky to have you on her side. I wish you all peace as you're dealing with this.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 17/12/2018 13:18

If she is acting normal I’d be inclined to let hat carry on. She doesn’t need to break for this to have happened but I’m sure we all agree on that. I’m guessing she doesn’t understand that it’s wrong as such but, even now I know what was done to me was wrong (I was older) but I can cometimes talk about it quite flippantly. As someone who wasn’t belived and stupidly didn’t go to the police etc the fact you believe her and are willing to support her will mean so much. I don’t have any advice because I’ve never been in the position where it happened to my kids, only from the point of view of it happening towards me. I’d make sure that the person who done this isn’t near any children and especially not near your daughter ever again. Counselling may help but even talking on here or support groups will be good. I’m sorry for what’s happened to your daughter and you, because it affects you as the parent as well.

Carly767 · 17/12/2018 17:54

So pleased to read that you will be having no contact. That may give you a little space to breath and get through whatever comes next.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/12/2018 19:30

Well done OP, your doing everything you can, I hope you and DH are also being kind to one another, so often happens you can forget one another.

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 17/12/2018 19:50

I wouldn't worry about not having a gut feeling OP, the most usual gut feeling is denial and it isn't an accurate reflection of guilt.

SparklyMagpie · 17/12/2018 19:58

Hugs for you and your DH and DC OP

I can't even begin to imagine Flowers