Being called mum

[sizzledrizz]

I am often called this by those who work with my children: teachers, doctors, clinic staff etc.
I can understand if they are not familiar with my child and don't know dc's name, but it irks me when they could at least call me Mrs DC surname. I sometimes tell them my name, but they still insist on calling me mum.
The final nail has been that when my DC's father goes to collect them from school, a lot less than me, no teacher ever calls him 'dad'
Why is that?
Pisses me off

Live from the front line: young doctor came in this morning, asked if I was Mom and then asked my name. She didn't use it but actually whilst I've said uppost I'm fairly chilled about people calling me Mom, it was nice she asked. I wouldn't expect her to use it, I wasn't offended she didn't know it but it felt polite to ask. An hour before the nurse had called me amom and I did think of you all 😂

Hope your little one (or perhaps not such little one is OK).

Interesting points about DC knowing the dr etc is including their mum as that's all they know them as

Don't your partners/parents/friends etc call you by your first name in their presence? My DC have always known that my first name is OhThe and that some people call me MrsOhThe - bank mangers, accountant, teachers and yes our GP. Also they have never called me mum although they of course know that's one word for mother. When they were little they called me mummy. Now they call me ma or their own word mumther.

How stange some small children wouldn't connect their parents' actual names with their parents.

It’s rude and reductive in all but emergency situations, and even then a bit of pronoun or name usage would improve things. ‘Are you his/Johnny’s mum’ v ‘are you Mum?’

Most of the time it doesn’t need to be used at all. It’s either lazy or intentionally used to establish superiority, and you can never tell which. Why ‘good morning Mum!’ when simply ‘good morning!’ would do?

Our nursery staff don’t do it. There are precious few times they’ve ever needed to use my name when talking to me when it wasn’t in front of them, and when talking to the kids they say ‘your mummy’ and ‘your daddy’.

It also makes me think of the Dr Who episode ‘The Empty Child’.

Shpuld have said Mrs Roses. Mrs first name is just so wrong on every level.

I had a health visitor who managed to cram the word “Mum” into every single sentence. “How’s the feeding going, Mum?” “Okay Mum can we weigh Baby now?” “Plenty of wet nappies is a good thing, Mum!”

Didn’t expect her to learn my name but this drove me bonkers. I have no idea why she did it. Some kind of clinical policy to make sure sleep-deprived new mothers don’t forget that the baby in front of them is theirs or something?

OhTheRoses getting there thank you, dreaded RSV in my 3 yo but he's just in more usual than normal and more miserae than usual.

Having done 4 months Inn hospital with him when he was even younger, I never felt talked down to by the nurses, we had a good relationship, and they were truly amazing. They still largely called us Mom and Dad. So whilst I read that blog upthread that just hasn't been my experience. I guess the "Are you Mom?" "I'm Steve's Mom, yes. Jermima / Mrs Beans" is probably the simplest way of asserting it but I think it's so ingrained it's unlikely to stick if you're in hospital for just a few days or at a meeting once every 3 months.

I do think I'm institutionalised, we have lots of support in place and they all refer to me as Mom or Steve's Mom (not his real name) that at one point I used to answer my phone as "Hello, this is Steve's Mom". It perhaps did reinforce that that was my only role in the relationship, but actually it is. I didn't see that role and was treated as though that role was a reduced one, merely provider of gestational food and shelter, now deliverer of proffestional instructions. I was always treated as contributer of useful insight, provider of unique perspective, meter of care needs and therefore unique experience.

So perhaps if the person who calls you Mom is otherwise respectful perhaps that's less annoying that someone looking down their nose, talking over you, having a premeeting to agree the party line before we talk to the silly little life giver.

OhTheRoses getting there thank you, dreaded RSV in my 3 yo but he's just on more o2 usual than normal and more miserae than usual.

You are one of thousands, just another face in the crowd, there's no way they would remember your name, unless you were a trouble maker, they'd remember you then.

I can't get worked up about it. In some situations I'm Mum in other situations I'm not.

I've only ever come across this with the health visitor. Whenever I take my baby daughter in to be weighed or whatever, she always calls me 'Mum' and it makes me cringe.

Appointments always starts off with her calling my DD's name when it's her turn, and she'll say to me, "Are you Mum?", and I'll say, "Yes, hello, I'm Coffee". She will then continue to call me Mum throughout the appointment. And she'll say it A LOT, not just once. After every question or statement she'll say 'Mum' as if to clarify that she is talking to and awaiting a response from me, not my non-conversant, no-idea-what-is-going-on-or-what-you-are-saying 6mo!

Cannot get worked up about this. Hcps have bigger tasks to hand than remembering my name while they're treating my child.

Well if I got called Mrs my child's surname it would be wrong so I'll take Mum.

There seem to be a lot of posters who would object to being addressed as Mrs surname of child because it is incorrect but are bizarrely OK with being addressed as 'mum' by someone who is not their child even though this is also incorrect.

No poster has said they have a problem being described as x's mum. I, and others, have a problem with being addressed as 'mum' in conversation and correspondence as if this were our name. We tend to be the mothers of DC with frequent consultations for health or SN, perhaps in receipt of carer's allowance, and are trying to work in partnership with other 'experts' who don't have the same level of experience. In this context it is dismissive. In a report it is code for 'ignore what follows'.

It is never used to express respect for knowledge or experience - like Doctor. Teachers etc who use this are playing silly power games that can be easily ignored if it rarely happens or they may just be lazy or used to being rude to parents or have memory issues.

But it is significant that this does not happen to other carers, male or female, where they are reduced to relational role. In a meeting they will not be introduced by saying 'this is 'Wife'', reports will not say '... Wife says ...' (mum is frequently capitalised).

Sometimes 'mum' is the primary carer well beyond the toddler years for a child with additional needs but the continued refusal to accept this and not even refer to us as individuals by using names or even saying x's mum is an additional hassle that we don't need.

A nurse coming in and saying "Is everything OK Steve's Mom?" is just weird.

What is weird is a woman I went to primary school with, who recognised me long before I recognised her, and therefore is likely to know my name much more than any other nurse, calling me Mom. Because we've known each other from about 5 - 11

A nurse coming in and saying "Is everything OK Steve's Mom?" is just weird.

The thing people keep pointing out is that the nurse doesn’t need to use a name at all in most situations. Make eye contact, and say ‘hi, is everything ok?’ I’ve had plenty of HCPs manage to interact with me effectively without addressing me as if I’d given birth to them. (Actually, my own kids don’t call me mum.)

Not calling me anything in particular, rather than defaulting to ‘Mum’ is more polite as it doesn’t make it quite so obvious that they don’t know my name and they have no interest in finding it out. That may be true, and reasonable, but there’s no need to make it quite so obvious!

The only times they really need to use a name are:

• if they want to build a relationship - in which case ‘mum’ is counterproductive
• if they are trying to establish my relationship to the child (in which case ‘are you Steve’s mum/his mum is appropriate and accurate
• if they are trying to figure out which mother in the waiting room is Steve’s, in which case they’re going to have to specify.

The weird thing where some HCPs who work a lot with kids use it almost as punctuation ‘Now, Mum, we’re going to weigh baby, have you managed to make it out most days, Mum?’) is totally unnecessary and as this thread shows, makes a lot of parents feel a bit alienated and patronised.

What's even weirder sleeping is the use of the word "mom". Unless of course you are in America.

What's even weirder sleeping is the use of the word "mom". Unless of course you are in America.

Or the Midlands.

When I'm being called 'mum', I'm not being directly addressed but indirectly referred to in the company of my child(ten). The person isn't actually calling me 'mum' and yes it happens to men as well, they get referred to as 'dad'. This is not a feminist issue in my eyes.

I like it but I'm proud to be a mum.

When I'm being called 'mum', I'm not being directly addressed but indirectly referred to in the company of my child(ten).

Gosh, that’s even ruder. The practitioners don’t even talk directly to you?

No, jassy, when it's one of my children being spoken to whilst I'm there, they are the ones being directly spoken to, e.g., 'why don't we see what mum thinks about that?', 'take that home with you for mum to have a look' (shit examples but that's the type of thing I mean)

Yeah aquilla coz those of us who like to be called by our actual name are not "proud" to be Mum's, ffs

No, jassy, when it's one of my children being spoken to whilst I'm there, they are the ones being directly spoken to, e.g., 'why don't we see what mum thinks about that?', 'take that home with you for mum to have a look' (shit examples but that's the type of thing I mean)

But what’s wrong with ‘your mum’ in that situation? My eldest has commented that he thinks it’s weird when professionals refer to me as ‘mum’.

However, there are many cases when a professional has called me ‘mum’ directly. ‘What do you think, Mum?’ ‘Now Mum, we’re just going to get you to sign the form.’

Or written it in a bloody letter. ‘Mum reports that his tumour has grown visibly since the last appointment’. Totally bizarre and inappropriate.

What's even weirder sleeping is the use of the word "mom". Unless of course you are in America or spellings other than Mum are used around different parts of the UK, heaven forbid. Its perfectly normal usage in my part of the Midlands, even schools teach Mom not Mum and always have

People say Mum when the child isn’t present, it’s a learned habit I suppose. It is a bit patronising and odd and yes I’m still very glad to have the care I do, but it’s not necessary.