Being called mum

[sizzledrizz]

I am often called this by those who work with my children: teachers, doctors, clinic staff etc.
I can understand if they are not familiar with my child and don't know dc's name, but it irks me when they could at least call me Mrs DC surname. I sometimes tell them my name, but they still insist on calling me mum.
The final nail has been that when my DC's father goes to collect them from school, a lot less than me, no teacher ever calls him 'dad'
Why is that?
Pisses me off

I do this all the time with student’sparents both mum and dad. I have 200 students in my year group. I do try and use their surname but if i forgot or don’t know it I will say mum or dad. I often get called ‘that teacher’ or just ‘miss’ I can imagine in an medical capacity it’s even more difficult to remember names and it’s an easy and inoffensive way to address someone.

While I do agree it feels a bit cringey sometimes, I totally appreciate why teachers, nurses etc. do this, and doesn't remotely offend me. With everything else they have to cope with, I really don't want them wasting time worrying about what my name is. I don't find it dismissive.
(Incidentally, calling me Mrs DC surname would be incorrect - but I also choose not to be offended when people I don't know call me that, for the same reason.)

Mrs DS surname would be incorrect for me, and a lot of women.

It seemed odd to me when I had my first child but normal now. In medical situations I've referred to staff by their position rather than name.

I can't get worked up about this. When my children were little I got called mum by professionals but it didn't bother me at all. Nurses and doctors are so busy they don't have time to remember that child x has the same surname as their mum but she goes as Ms X, Child Y's mum is Mrs same surname and child Z is Miss not the same surname. Teachers can't be expected to remember either,

Found it very odd when it started happening but i understand why it's done so it isn't really a big deal.

My ds isn’t in school yet but it might annoy me if the teacher did it since I assume we’d see each other a lot. But nurses, doctors and hcp, I’m all for being called mum. I’d like to stay boring and unmemorable in those situations which any encounters so far have been thank God.

But they are not calling you mum, they are referring to you as mum, because you are, in context, the mum.

When your primary relationship as a professional is with the child then your job is to remember the child's name. When I call someone mum or dad it's actually me honouring the relationship/ position to the child. It's not dismissive in any way. For what it's worth I use mum/dad unless I'm not sure. Then I use nothing. Would you prefer that - it might be why yheybdojt refer to your ex as dad?

Perhaps I should call them 'teach' as in just one of many

Teachers are very used to just being calling ‘miss’ or ‘sir’ rather than their proper names.

Give over OP.

When I speak to parents I always ask if it's xx mum/dad. Means I've definitely got the right person!

As for diminishing your relationship with your child, being a mum is the closest you can get to your child.

Fwiw neither miss or my child's surname would be right for me, I'm happy with mum!

I think it depends on the context. In a two minute interaction in the playground, especially if your dc is there then 'I want to speak to your mum' is fine, in parents evening they don't usually call you by name at all. In a preplanned meeting about your dc then yes I would hope they would check what your preferred title is.

This is not something I would get at all worked up about. Give them a break, they have hundreds of people to see. And you are mum! have you never said 'let the doctor see your tummy' or similar? Maybe you should be saying 'let Dr Rachel Brown see your tummy'?

I'm also very dubious about the 'they never say dad' thing. In my experience the use of mum and dad to address us is completely even.

I try not to do this but when you deal with lots different people all day long, it's easy to forget. You absolutely can't assume that anyone is Mrs Child's Name.

Have you ever asked someone how they take their tea and then forgotten by the time the kettle has boiled? It's like that.

I don't know why it happens less to dads in your experience. I don't have a problem with it myself.

I am not married and have a different surname to my DC
I used to called “ Mrs DCsname’s Mum” or “Mrs, err, sorry” - Mum is fine!
Teachers are busy, they have 30 different names to remember every year, professionals like nurses thankfully see me once in a blue moon for 10 minutes and I can’t get worked up about it.

I'm a teacher with a home class of 30 and then have different groups for English and maths. To be honest it's hard enough remembering the pupils names without knowing parents too.

I assume your child is in primary school at the moment. I work in secondary school and teach up to 150 different children per day, some of these I only see once a week. Even the ones I see every day I don't know 99% of their surnames. If I did know the surname of a child I wouldn't address the parent by it as children often have different surnames to their Mum and/or Dad.

I'd say teachers, doctors, clinic staff have better things to do than remember the names of needy parents. I'm referred to as Mum when I take my daughter somewhere and I have no issue with it and if you want to call me 'teach' if we meet in future feel free. I'll laugh about you in the staffroom later though 😁

HCP working in a paediatric subspecialty.

I feel your pain. It would drive me totally potty.

However practically at work I have less than 10minutes to see, assess, build a rapport and explain a medical procedure to each child and learning parents names sadly gets squeezed out. There is also a phenomenon when I tell people my name "hello my name is" and people never reciprocate. There are a few families I see recurrently (my specialty isn't big on continuity!) and I still don't know the parents names. It isn't always easy to quickly access that info in our notes either. One ward at work piloted parent's wearing name badges. I liked it but I don't think the parents did as it has stopped.

I usually start consultations with "and who have you brought with you today" to the kid indicating the adults. The pointing adaptation was necessary as I have had huge long lists of toys names before!! And kids rarely tell you their parents first names!
I also like to clarify who is who as it helps sort out who can actually consent for a procedure e.g. Not normally A grandmother, or mother's partner and guessing family relationships leads you down a rabbit hole. I have made so many cock ups about family relationships over the years that I try very hard not to guess - asking a mother if she is the grandparent NEVER goes down well. Or guessing that the Mother's boyfriend is the Grandfather is similarly bad. Worst ever was when one of my nursing colleague got generation & gender wrong eg. Mistook the child's aunt for a grandfather.... anyway, I digress.

My compromise wrt to "the Mum issue" is I never use a relationship title without a personal pronoun (e.g. Your Mum or Tom's Mum). This does lead me into some slightly odd sentence construction but I cope!

I tend to talk primarily to the children which also helps me avoid calling the accompanying adults anything. Only time I wouldn't! So this is if they are seriously tiny (baby) or very very significantly developmentally delayed. This is also part of rapport building and I rely on parents chipping in if the story goes wildly off track... Sometimes I can spot it but not always! "I broke my arm falling off the space rocket" will trigger more parental clarification than "I fell out of my bunk bed" although neither story might actually be true.

As a further aside - Letting children speak to HCPs helps them learn an important life skill and if your child is in secondary school parents and you still routinely answer all the questions in a consultation even if directed at your kid I would ask you to question why you are doing this. I know some kids just aren't able/ confident enough etc. but I really appreciate parents who at least leave their child a pause to potentially answer in.

I also challenge all my trainees and the junior nurses to think about this practice and the children's hospital I work in actually has special communication training for staff that covers this point.

So I don't think you will get staff remembering your name especially in healthcare. I can't talk about education. But people should be able to call you X's Mum instead which while a bit impersonal & failing to recognize a parents personal identity separate from their parent role sn't technically incorrect.

This phrasing grates on my sensibilities a lot less.... but I'm interested in parental feedback.

YABU. You can't expect these people to know your name. It's safer and easier to say mum. You are mum.

I dislike being called Mrs Doyoumind and I especially dislike being called Mrs DCsurname as neither are correct.

I strongly suspect these people are aware it's less offensive to be called mum than to be called the wrong name.

I would find it rude to be called Mrs dc’s surname as it's not my surname and I’m a Ms. Knowing the child’s name most definitely doesn’t mean knowing the mother’s.
Vast majority of dc are given their father’s surname however, so easier to say Mr X and get it right, also Mr is the title for the vast majority of men.
If you sweat this stuff you will have a long road ahead of you.

Yeah, let's expect them to remember all the parents names as well as all the kids. Give over.

I don't mind being called mum by the school, or doctors etc. I understand why they do it. DH gets it as much as I do, I'd say. But then he also does equal amounts of school runs, medical appointments etc.

I'd rather be called something that is technically correct than be called a name that's wrong (although I do have the same last name as my kids).

The best thing now is having 2 kids in school I get two names, Eldest's mum and Youngest's mum.

I couldn't feel even vaguely offended by this. It is quite common and it isn't sexist in my experience, fathers get it just as much. I am usually fairly formal when I talk with parents in my role but saying 'Mum ' or 'Dad' can slip out particularly when a child is part of the conversation.
I feel differently about calling elderly people by their first names without being invited to.

It could be worse. You could be in Germany and get 'Mutti' (This is a part of Germany which still uses Mutti - it's mostly died out -, but I hate it - it makes me feel at least twenty years older - I'm bloody Mama, thanks)

YANBU. It's patronising and reductive.
Good post from opinionatedfreak.

I have a lot of dealings with medical professionals due to my son, a lot of them will enter a room and shake my hand and say,

"Hello Mum, I'm Dr X.."

To which I always reply with,

"Hello son/daughter, my name is X."

I can't help it, my brain screams at me not to but it always comes out. My teenage son is always mortified.

I am a Secondary English teacher and teach 150+ pupils per day. Over my timetabled classes , Tutor Group, PHSE Etc I can have contact with ten classes (of 30)some years. OP you expect me to know every child's mother's surname?

A wee observation - see if a teacher knows your name quickly it's generally not s good thing .