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Original poster

Being called mum

226 replies

sizzledrizz · 07/12/2018 23:32

I am often called this by those who work with my children: teachers, doctors, clinic staff etc.
I can understand if they are not familiar with my child and don't know dc's name, but it irks me when they could at least call me Mrs DC surname. I sometimes tell them my name, but they still insist on calling me mum.
The final nail has been that when my DC's father goes to collect them from school, a lot less than me, no teacher ever calls him 'dad'
Why is that?
Pisses me off

OP posts:
Avegemitesandwich · 08/12/2018 09:04

have you never said 'let the doctor see your tummy' or similar? Maybe you should be saying 'let Dr Rachel Brown see your tummy'?

Exactly.

And it's not a sexist thing either in this case, as you are trying to imply, as 'mum' and 'dad' are used just the same in that context.

claraschu · 08/12/2018 09:11

You only have to remember the names of one or two teachers, OP.

If the teacher has asked your name, she will be expected to remember it, and how on earth is that possible for anyone who is teaching a large class, with all sorts of different sets of parents?

Maybe 60 years ago, each child would have had two parents with the same surname as the child (except for the one scandalous divorce case), and parents could have been called Mr and Mrs xxxx, with no offence given or taken. These days there are probably only a handful of such families in a class.

SpaceDinosaur · 08/12/2018 09:16

@TitsalinaBumSquash that's hilarious!!!

As a teacher I concentrate on the children's names. I see 200 different children a week.

Never presume that mother and child have the same surname because so many don't.
In passing I would endeavour to make eye contact and say "

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SpaceDinosaur · 08/12/2018 09:18

A wee observation - see if a teacher knows your name quickly it's generally not s good thing
^^
This!!! Excellent point @Lidlfix

LittleCandle · 08/12/2018 09:37

I did once lose it with a doctor when DD1 was hospitalised. He kept calling me 'mum' and between him and the bloody student who directed all her questions in a whisper via the nurse and the fact I was really quite ill myself, I finally lost the plot after repeating something for the 3rd or 4th time and yelled said 'If I was your mother, you wouldn't be so fucking rude as to not listen to what I said!'

And then there was the famous occasion that another doctor brought a load of students to see DD1 (she was in hospital a lot!) and asked a question. None of the students knew the answer, so I replied. Said doctor scathingly declared 'even the mother knows that one!' She so nearly had her handbag shoved up her arse at that point. It wasn't the last time I wanted to shove her handbag up her arse either. She was told that just because I happened to be a mother, I had not lost all my brain cells.

I have never come across a teacher who did this, though. That really would boil my blood. And despite the above, I am not generally irrational and irritated, but that hospital and its mismanagement of my DD's problems meant I had to constantly get on their case.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 08/12/2018 09:39

I don't get why they have to call me anything though. I get the mum thing a lot from school receptionists and the like and it just seems unnecessary. A recent phone call:
Hello is this x's mum?
Yes
Hello mum, we have not got x's slip for the trip
Sorry, I'll pop it in the book bag tomorrow
Thanks mum
Thanks, bye
Bye mum

Why did she need to say it so many times???

I don't expect people to use my name if they don't know it so I don't expect them to call me anything.

I'm also SLT in a school and phone parents a lot. I use their name to establish I'm speaking to the right person and then I don't need to call them anything.

BettyCrook · 08/12/2018 10:41

I hated it when I first became a mum because i felt my identity has been wiped out and all I was is a mum. Years later, I am used to it and I know that its because there are too many names to remember. I'm fine as long as they know my DCs names.

BettyCrook · 08/12/2018 10:42

oh and the dad is also referred to as Dad, it's not just me that gets called mum. It's an easy shorthand as all they really care - and rightly so- about is the child in question.

NorthernKnickers · 08/12/2018 10:52

I can see why it might irk you...but honestly, try to see it from the perspective of the person saying it and then let it go 🤷‍♀️

In my class of 34, over half of the children have different names to BOTH of their primary caregivers, as there are so many blended families! The ONLY way I'd know their names is if I went to the office and looked up their contact form...we don't have these in our classrooms. I'd then have to memorise all of these different surnames, and whether each 'mum' was Mrs, Miss or Ms. I'd never manage it 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

The parents even sign off on letters as 'Oliver's Mummy' more often than not, so as I said, without me sitting down and trying to memorise all of the different surnames...and then trying to recall that during the often busy handover at 3.30, when 15 or so parents are trying to get my attention and I'm desperately trying to safeguard my class against them just wandering off...it's a real challenge!

I DO see how you might be upset...but it's not the worst thing ever...not really.

Ecofluffynanny · 08/12/2018 10:54

OP 'perhaps I should call them 'teach'. Seriously? You have ONE name to remember 🙄🙄🙄

opinionatedfreak · 08/12/2018 12:19

Can I clarify what the issue is?

I always assumed the issue was being called Mum rather than Tom's Mum.

Eg.
"Are you Mum?"

Vs
"Are you Tom's Mum?"

First would drive me mad...I too would want to shout "of course I'm not your mother"
Latter is probably unavoidable and I get how much sense of self can be lost by being constantly called x's mum, y'all partner etc. but but is grammatically correct and hopefully not too offensive?

kiwiblue · 08/12/2018 12:29

I'm on the fence on this one. It irks me that DS' nursery key worker calls me mummy (and DH Dad). I get what you are saying about it being too complicated to remember lots of names. However she only has two key children, so I'm one of her main "clients" and we see each other and talk every day. I would have thought she could remember two mothers' names. Therefore I think it's more a habit thing that it's the acceptable/ standard method of addressing parents in a nursery.

Iknowthatguy · 08/12/2018 12:29

Doesn't bother me. Mine is only nursery age and I'm 'DC name's Mummy'. They have lots of people to remember and in that context I am just 'mummy' to them. As long as they remember the wee ones name 😬

kiwiblue · 08/12/2018 12:31

I don't mind being DS' name's mum but just mummy I do find irritating.

dUHcknotdOOk · 08/12/2018 13:42

Absolutely hate it. It's rude, patronising and in the many many clinic appointments I have had for my dc shows that you can't even be bothered to look at the notes infront of you before we get called into the room. My kids school now call me by my first name after I asked them to.

And getting clinic letters with 'mum' on them just boils my piss. You're writing about my dc so how much effort would it be to write dc's mum instead.

My first name
Miss dUHck
Dc's mum
Or at a pinch Mrs Dc's surname

Are all acceptable. Straight out Mum isn't. Two people in this world have the right to call me mum and it isn't the clinician infront of me.

retainertrainer · 08/12/2018 13:52

I like it.

KatKit16 · 08/12/2018 13:54

Doesn't bother me

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 08/12/2018 13:55

It's a bit cringy but you can't blame them. You only have to see irate posters on Mumsnet say they get if they are addressed by the incorrect name. Much easier and safer to call everyone (female!) Mum.

It didn't bother me.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 08/12/2018 13:56

But if they teach my dc on a daily basis, as in my dc is in that teacher's class they know the surname at least.

That's not true though. Lots of Mums have different names to their kids.

knittedjest · 08/12/2018 13:57

I don't care. These people mean nothing to me and they don't actually think I'm their mum so whatever. Bigger fish to fry.

Crunchymum · 08/12/2018 14:09

I don't have a problem at all with being addressed as "Jack's mum". I am not a Mrs and I don't share my DC's surname.

Sometimes I refer to teacher as teacher
"Jack listen to your teacher" or sometimes by name "Jack, Miss Smith is taking the class in"

Don't see a problem with that either.

OhTheRoses · 08/12/2018 14:17

I completely agree with the op. If an hcp doesn't know my name, then Mary's mum is correct. I am not the hcp's mum and it is reductive to use it in that context especially after I have introduced myself as Mrs Roses, Mary's mother.

You mum? No I have the full power of speech thank you. I have a letter from CAMHS every other person referred to in that letter was afforded the courtesy of a title but not me - it was Mary and mum were at the consultation.

Do not get me onto the subject ofcDrs who think I am going to address them with their title whilst they and their other staff use my first name or call me love. It is reductive and it subordinates. Perfectly happy for my first name to be used if everyone's first name is used. It's an issue of basic good manners.

The last consultant I saw had Dr Brown on a plaque in large letters on her desk. Completely unacceptable for her or any of her staff in those circumstances to assume they may use my first name. It indicates I am subordinate in the relationship.

I also think there is an element of sexism when at the hospital all men are called as Mr Surname and all women as First name, last name.

Those to whom I have given birth may call me mum. Others may not. They may use my name or at a pinch Mary's mum.

IsThereRoomAtTheInn · 08/12/2018 14:19

It's a bit naff but I let it pass.

PepperSteaks · 08/12/2018 14:19

I call all the parents mum or dad? If I called them their Christian names then there would be a thread complaining about that. Loads of my class have different surnames to their mums so i wouldn’t have a clue what their surnames would be!

Echobelly · 08/12/2018 14:21

I can see why they do it in medical situations, eg 'If mum could just sit over here...' it's kind of like seeing it through the child's eyes and it might be seen as a way of making the child seem more at ease that if they heard 'If Mrs Echobelly could just sit over here'