How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

I know you’ve probably had more advice than you can take on board here, some of it contradictory, but I just want to recommend getting a skip. You don’t need to worry about it going to landfill, it won’t where possible. Just having a place outside where you can throw everything makes it much easier.

Not sure if I am near you. I spend my days driving round many many roundabouts so if this is near you let me know!

I am in the same situation and struggle to motivate myself but I am good at doing it for my mum! I know I need to get rid of stuff and wish I could open the cupboard I have not been into for a year and get rid. I have joined the Facebook groups recommended.

Don’t focus on getting it done for Xmas if that feels too much, as you are likely to become demotivated and give up or not be as productive. Focus on getting something down each day and at least you will have done something. Try to keep positive, every time you throw/sort/organise something then it is one less thing that needs doing.

1st of all op, it's just a mess.

It can be cleared.

Don't build it up into something it's not. You can move, pick stuff up and bag it.

When your in the mindset, always make sure you have cleaning wipes and rubbish bags with you. Focus on one small area at a time.

Don't overwhelm yourself with the whole house say.. I'm not worrying about anything else today apart from that area of the living room. That's all. Focus on it and clear it. Maybe even set a timer, when it goes off stop. (but you may find yiu want to carry on)

As you go make sure you note down what storage you need, now or future and where to keep items.eg we had boards games everywhere but wasted cupboard space... So we cleared out cupboard and have area for all games to go.

Don't get overwhelmed you need to trick your own brain into helping you that's all that's holding you back.

I'm not naturally organised at all and these are things I do to trick myself.

The other thing is though op..

Whilst getting motivated and over that initial depressing hill is so hard... The feeling of utter triumph.... Deep satisfying feeling when yiu have cracked it is amazing! And you will get it every time you walk into the cleared areas..

Sorry if this isn't helpful but I think you need to tell your brother that you can't cope with looking after your dad at the moment. He needs to either do it himself or you jointly need to pay someone to do it (can Adult social services help?)

It seems totally unfair that you're looking after 3 generations of your family and working on top of that. No wonder you can't face doing housework. It sounds like your brother doesn't have other caring responsibilities. Looking after someone with autism can be exhausting as they don't always recognise tiredness in other people. Sometimes you need to be quite blunt with them (I'm autistic and have an autistic mother and daughter so nobody jump on me!).

Again, sorry if this is wrong but you do seem to have a lot going on.

I helped a friend in a similar state. To be frank, instead of sorting stuff to chuck, we sorted stuff to keep (a small wardrobe of clothes, a few toys and so forth. And chucked everything else out.

Sorry I've obviously given the wrong impression about my brother!

He is helping with my Dad. We're sharing the week between us.

I tried to talk with him about the possibility of someone else helping with our Dad as I thought this should be something we look at together.

DB stays with DF a few days a week anyway for work, regardless of his health. It's a long-term temporary thing. DB's work is fairly niche. He and his wife used to live near DF. They've moved and until he finds work in his new town he's living with DF on a part time basis for a few days each week for work.

It was frustrating that DB took it as a criticism rather than a request to explore practical solutions, as I suspect he knows DF's friends' current movements better than me as he's lived with him / near him for longer. And also it really helps me to be able to talk through practical problems out loud.

It just it was frustrating that assumed the comment was all about him / criticism of him (much the same as DH does!) and that a conversation I hoped would end up with us exploring some ideas for practical solutions, ended up with DB annoyed with me for, IMO, no good reason!

Thank you everyone for all your messages. Lots of good advice here. I'm reading through them in between helping DF.

(I've been on MN about a decade and only just realised at this point in the thread that I can call my Dad DF instead of DD - which is obviously confusing! Doh!)

DF is just getting up, I'm on standby for breakfast duties :)

OP - I set you a friendly challenge for today (I have set myself a challenge for today also)
Declutter, tidy and clean one room of your choice. The one that is going to bring you the most joy when it's done.
Report back in 4 hours.
Do not read Mumsnet between now and then (as I can spend hours on it and then get angry for losing time!)

I will report back in 4 hours about what I've done in the conservatory - it's important I do it as this is where we are having our Christmas dinner. It's a state as the UPVC is filthy, none of the lights work and the floor is grim. There's kids toys chucked all over it.

Are you up for the challenge OP? You and we will be proud of you.

On your marks ... get set ... go!

Hi, sorry I haven’t read the full thread (so hope this hasn’t been said before, sorry if I’m repeating) but I just wanted to say - when I’m overwhelmed by the house I focus on one room and set a timer - every evening I’ll do 20 mins. This would work for the washing. Also agree what others have said about ruthlessness - throw away anything you’re not 100% about - sounds like you have loads of stuff so unlikely you’ll get rid of something you need.

To remove the Christmas hurdle maybe just try and get one room sorted before then - your bedroom or the main living room - either would give your mental health a boost as one should be your haven and one is where you want to feel happy receiving people (to be a bit Jane Austen about it ).

Longer term - do you have storage that works? Ikea is amazing for reasonably priced good storage. If you’re able to I would work through your rooms replacing furniture to stuff that works for you and maximises storage. This doesn’t have to be immediate but you could do it over next couple of years. Also if you can find a good carpenter, getting cupboards built for you is amazing as you get them to fit in awkward spaces. We overhauled our downstairs by adding in loads more cupboards and I can now sort it in 20 mins by chucking stuff in cupboards whereas before we just didn’t have any storage so it was always a tip.

Good luck! It’s hard, especially with everything else you have to as well. But you sound really motivated - you’ll get there!

jasmine1971 ah - I'd have loved to share the challenge with you, but I'm not at home today. I'm looking after my DF. (I'm here till either Monday or Thursday, need to sort this out with DF & DB, I've been doing long weekends but DB's not around so much this week).

But I'm with you in spirit! Let us know how you get on, good luck!

I've just cleared the cupboard under the stairs and 8 bags are going to the charity shop today. Going to have a shower now and will drop the bags off.

Right - I've halved the toys already.

Controversial OP but could DH look after DF?

Right -
have cleaned half the UPVC, scrubbed leather sofa, swept floor.
Halved toys.
Off to load up car before anyone changes their mind!
Cup of coffee before I blitz the other half and then do outside UPVC. Have taken down broken lights as well. Patio doors open to air the room. It's not quite beginning to look like Christmas.
Need a little rest as very sore arm due to RSI.

Not Rtft but...
If half is clothes and you can afford it, bag the clean ones and send to be ironed. Bag the dirty ones and send to be washed and ironed. All you’ll need to do is hang them up, and you’ll be halfway there in half a day! Bonus points if you bag any that don’t fit and get rid!
If money’s tighter, put clean stuff away unironed and wash/dry/ put away dirty clothes. May take a day and a half, but gets you halfway there.
Once you can see what you’re left with break it down. One table/ bookshelf/ floor at a time, 2-3 jobs a day (allow half an hour each and it’s manageable).
When floors are visible re tidy and put away as you go and sweep daily (5minutes)
Once surfaces are clear ish check around at night once kids are in bed and put away anything that accumulates (15minutes)
So, 1h20-1h50 a day after the initial clothes sort should get you 4 rooms done in 8-12 days.

I live in the south east but the SE is quite a large area i'm more south i would come and help i don't work so my days are quite empty

jasmine1971 this is brilliant! Well done! and for you!

I've been doing toys when the kids are out, yours are great if they let you chuck stuff!

TheBaltictriangle and for you too! Well done!!

My stairway cupboard is also a nightmare, I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear...

All done :-) I've cleaned outside UPVC and weeded front garden and got a string of lights out the front too. It's looking so good! Just off to do charity shop run.

OP - let me know if you ever want to join in an online challenge.
My job after work tomorrow is to condense 3 toy boxes into 1.

Here is a plan:

1- put everything on the floors or surfaces in black bin bags ( each surface to its own bag).

2- dedicate 2/3 hours per room to sort out the internal spaces. Create an organised labelled way so that everything has a space. If the drawers are too much work also chuck each storage space in a bag to be done. Should be able to do that within 2 days.

3- dedicate an hour per day to go through the black bags and minimise !! Minimising the clutter is the only way you will stay on top of you aren’t an organised person naturally. Minimise and put the stuff in its right place.

4- you can also delegate to DH and kids the bags that you feel they can work out for themselves. Hard to do that when there is no allocated space for stuff.

5- delegate to DH to stake stuff to charity at the end of the week.. and delegate to DS to clean up surfaces.

Thanks OP I'm on the sofa now with a, cuppa and a biscuit. Will get up and stick the roast in the oven and then put everything back into the cupboard under the stairs.

Dd & I managed to make biscuit dough, one to bake today and another to freeze for a rainy day.

I got rid of a bike yesterday by donating it to my local mencap bike shop. They take bikes, recondition then and then sell them on in their shops.

I put a box of old toys out on the driveway and half have gone so that's half a box less to take to the charity shop.

I’m now going out for a walk. Today I managed to empty out the storage cupboard from baby stuff and put away baby items that I don’t need to use before next baby.

Baby room is a big dump atm. Before I sleep I will make sure to put all the clothes away form the floor into a laundry basket/ottoman. I will fold them away 1/2 hr at a time in evenings while watching telly.

The baby toys will all go into his cot ( which I currently don’t use as a cot). I will empty out the storage space for toys and reorganise a new system for storage as it’s overwhelming atm. That way I can put the toys in smaller containers into the cupboard. Big toys will go into the cupboard top.

I also need to sort out my finances and paperwork. Somehow need to do it this week. Will allocate a day.

I’ve managed to declutter my room a little. Need to find he energy to declutter the wardrobes and give things away to charity.

Tasks for the week, not in order:

1- charity shop
2- fold away floor clothes 1/2 hour at a time
3- empty out wardrobes and minimise what’s needed for the season and store everything else out of reach
4- organise the toy cabinet for baby in a more functional way
5- paperwork and finances
6- declutter my laptop
7- kitchen cupboards.

@suzy2b

Snap! If we are close to op we could help together if @whatamessitallis would like that?

A useful piece of advice I was given was along the lines of 'If It will only take 5 minutes just do it now.' It helps with small jobs that can make the place untidy, and makes you feel you have done something, and are making good use of odd bits of time. But don't be too hard on yourself, with young children finding 5 minutes can be difficult.