How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

I used to really struggle. It would take hours to tidy my bedroom and then it would end up being a shit heap again where I couldn't make it to the window or use my wardrobe/chest of drawers so I stored clothes in IKEA bags.

I had piles of carrier bags full.of stuff all over the place and stuff all up the stairs. Far too embarrassed to have anyone to visit.

Then we moved house to a smaller house. I decluttered before we moved then realised I had to declutter again and then needed a third declutter.

Then I read up on The Organised Mum Method. Now that there's less clutter and I have utilized storage effectively it now only takes ten minutes to tidy and the house looks mostly clean, most of the time. This has been for the first time in years.

You need to be ruthless and properly declutter. Maybe buy some storage for the garden and anything you really can't bear to get rid of store out there for a while until you feel ready to declutter again.

Hi op I feel for you - Christmas brings added pressure that we want everything to be sorted - all perfect - but real life is not like this - I think you have too much on already to deal with - do you think you could be a bit depressed yourself - living with someone who is depressed can be very hard and with you working from home - do you get a break at all?

Firstly I think I would just sort out Airbnb for your friend - if she’s a good friend she will understand and this will take some pressure off you. Could you just pack up excess stuff from lounge and add to bed 4 for now - same with garden room just get it out the way - this will enable you to clean the rooms - I wouldn’t worry about room 4 - I don’t think you have the headspace right now - just shut the door - get Christmas out the way and then see where you are next year!

What is your DH doing about his depression? I think what you need is someone who understands how much you are trying to deal with and that you are pretty stretched yourself- what’s important right now is your own mental health - Christmas is one day. Don’t feel guilty about not being able to have kids friends round - your priorities now are your DH and elderly family member and yourself!

I think getting out the house until you feel stronger in yourself is a good idea - yiu will then find yiu are able to tidy without it being such a thing. Good luck

I think I would actually start by throwing out everything in the 4th bedroom then maybe you could move the filing cabinet into there and sort your room out. If needs be you could then bring all washing up into the 4th bedroom and get the kids to help sort it into piles with you. It seems like you need to clear the clothes from everywhere then everything else will be more manageable. Granted clearing the 4th bedroom then refilling it isn't a solution so to speak it would help clear the space downstairs so that you can clean properly and have people over.
If your DH's back is bad I suspect sleeping on the sofa isn't helping so I think it would really help to get the bed situation sorted so that he can be in a better position to help.

Hi @whatamessitallis sorry you are having such a tough time. I was wondering how much time you are spending with your dad and if you can arrange for carers to visit him to support. You've said that it's not permanent help he needs and that you tried to speak with your brother but he misunderstood what you were saying. Can you explain to your dad the difficulties you are having at the moment and explain you are not able to help as much as you would like if all was well but that you will organise some other support for him; then either contact adult services for assessment/ advice, or if your dad has money available you could contact a local care company directly (look on CQC for reports and link to individual agency websites and reviews)

This will take some time but overall less time than you are currently spending looking after your dad (from what I understand)

Can you ask some of your friends or family to help? I know that it can be embarrassing to let people see the mess but close friends and family that love you won’t judge they might just roll up there selves and help. By the sounds of it cloths seem to be a big problem I think you need to get rid of anything the does not fit or looks tatty. You must be ruthless you probably just have to much stuff!! Also stop looking at the whole house it just gets overwhelming just start in one room start in one corner and keep going till it’s finished. Try starting with you bedroom there is nothing worse then to wake up ever morning to a shambles can make you depressed. If you can get a skip then go for it.

Do you have too much stuff? I know its brutal but sounds like you need to get a skip and just throw it all out. My house is tidy but onky because I don’t have many things. I only keeo thins which really means something to me and I am the same with clothes.

I put radio 2 on. Everytime a new song starts I move to a new room. Sometimes you're only 3 minutes in a room, sometimes quite a bit longer. Just get a much as you can done, then quit on the dot and move on. Even if you can only put the radio on for 20.minutes each day, it still means stuff happens in every room. If you have an hour or more schedule a tea break /Internet break for one of the segments.

Just chuck everything. If it’s in the spare room or under a pile of other stuff then you obviously don’t use or need it. Don’t worry about selling or charity shops, you obviously don’t have time for that. Put it all in bags and take to the dump.

Although the spare room isn’t the most urgent if it’s all stiff you can throw away it’ll be the quicker and easiest and motivate you. Plus you can use that room to help sort out the other rooms.

Ps can I help?! I love sorting out and am so ruthless!

No real advice OP other than just get on with it.

Get a skip and just start throwing stuff out.

@whatamessitallis I'm south east message me where as I'd happily come and help if you're not too far away (bloody love a good clear out )

Its kind that people on here are trying to help you,and suggest many things that you should be doing to sort your house out, But to get a plan and a clear mind to all your issues,is very difficult, and maybe some more help is needed..

I am only saying this, as I know someone close,who has big problems with an awful house problem.At the end of the day, everything you own, starts to Own you.and then all becomes completely out of control. and in the event, disrupts your life, to the extent of making you unhappy.but then not liking people to help you to clear stuff out.

I hope that you will have some success with all that you have to do, I am just trying to help someone with similar problems,

ehat Part of the uk are you in?

There is a great podcast called A Slob Comes Clean. She’s also written a couple of books. The podcast is very helpful though.

Lots of good ideas on here, I’m going to give some of them a try! I’m now on Mat leave with a 3 week old, toddler is in nursery so hopefully after Christmas I’ll have time to do something with the house - being pregnant, working full time and with small non sleeping DC, the clutter has started to build up and it really bothers me. I need to get more toy storage and to do one small space at a time - each of the places that have become a dumping ground, the desk, the shoe rack, the hallway, the coats etc. In the time I get between feeds.
It sounds like you have a huge amount on and getting some mental health support fo your DH must be key, walking on eggshells around him in case it starts an argument must be miserable. If you can get that sorted and he becomes your cheerleader, that would help enormously. Then external help for your dad, contact anyone who could be vaguely useful, social services, relevant charities etc. Or better still get your brother to do that. This might buy you some time to tackle one small job at a time. I’d start with the rooms you spend most time in, probably living room and your bedroom and with the big impact stuff like the clothes. I’m
Good luck

it sounds like you are dealing with so much right now! Could you cope with getting one carrier bag of stuff out of the house, every time you have 15 mins?
I set myself a timer for 10mins for any jobs I don't want to do, and reward myself after.

I hear you, op. Lots of good advice on here but I think you need someone to help you ideally as it is such a lot for one human being to do. Can you enlist the help of a friend? Anyone who would be sensitive and helpful enough?! Great you got a professional organiser but v expensive and not sustainable. Very brave to tackle this. All the best.

The Flylady has good tips. Also Facebook has a declutter group. They seem to target a specific space at a time. A drawer, or a shelving unit for example so it’s not so overwhelming.

Sounds like the clothes are a big problem here. I would concentrate on those, and be ruthless. spend less than 30 seconds deciding weather you want to keep an item. If it’s more than 30 seconds, then chuck it.

I am shocked by the number of people who suggest OP should just bin perfectly good items that could go to charity. It might take a bit longer to sort but at least it's not adding to landfill.

I'm going to say Kon Marie (KM) - the magic art of tidying. It's transformational, even if the book is a bit bonkers. it really, really works. We've done it and I think we have got rid of 60% of our stuff, including furniture. I can now find things in the house, its saves money as I don't keep having to buy stuff like Sellotape because I can actually find it. KM is a big commitment if you do it fully, but hugely worthwhile - and it lasts! And even if you don't go the whole KM hog, you can pinch basic techniques to make a huge dent in the probem that's suffocating you (see below).

basically it involves going through all of your stuff, and keeping only the things you love. deceptively simple but very very satisfying and do-able, and tends to help people stay tidy and organised. you work in categories, not rooms, starting with clothes (easy and fast), then books, CDs , photos, paperwork and 'the rest', finishing with sentimental stuff like kids paintings .

you definitely won't have time to do it all 'properly' before xmas but I suggest you start with clothes and use the simple KM method, which goes like this:

• choose a category - eg your own clothes (or if you have just too many, smaller sub-category like tops or underwear or coats)
• gather together in one place EVERYTHING in that category from every corner of the house - It's likely to be a huge, embarrassing pile.
• take a photo (helps you to see your progress when you are losing motivation)
• go through every item in turn - if you love it (and I mean really love it, not 'that will do'), keep it, otherwise discard (into donate, sell, recycle piles). you'll likely find that you have duplicates eg 5 pairs of black leggings, when really only 1 pair fits you and you never, ever wear the others....
• fold the stuff you are keeping and it and put it away
• take a photo and then dispose of the discards
• do the next category

you end up with only clothes that you like (sometimes a fraction of what you had before- I got rid of about 50% of mine and still have too many I think) and because you know everything fits, and makes you happy, you will actually wear it and look after it and put it away so no more scrambling around in a stressy rush.

If you need support and inspiration look at this group on FB: Kon Mari UK and Ireland - full of help and a lovely bunch of non-judgemental people like you who just want to get their houses back ( and have or are in the process of doing just that)

make a start on clothes and get your life back. good luck!

I wish I were closer as I’d LIVE to help you!

For keeping on track, could you set a timer? A race against the timer? I’ve 15 minutes to clear this top drawer. Ready, steady, GO! And if it’s achievable, you could try another 15 minutes at another task? Make sure they’re short and achievable though! Instead of saying ‘all of these clothes in an hour’ try ‘up to this imaginary line in the clothes in ten minutes’

oh, and when I say 'discard' I mean out of your house, not into landfill - BHF is excellent and they collect - even the heavy filing cabinet (or put it on Freegle and someone will come and take it off your hands).

OP. You have too much stuff. For whatever reason, you're hanging on to it. You dont need most of it although you think you do. Throw it out. A hypnotherapist might be useful in reinforcing your motivation.

Hi, just some thoughts from someone who has been there and got the t-shirt, but is finally a bit out the other side.

There's lots of great advice on this thread, but some of it won't actually be that helpful to you yet due to your time constraints - for example, things like Marie Kondo can lead to making more mess if you haven't got time to do it properly.

From the sounds of things you need to think of the tidying/decluttering process in layers. The first layer is quite superficial. You need to get tidy in a superficial way, and this includes a couple of key areas for Christmas socialising.

Once your on top of things in a superficial way, then you could start thinking more deeply about organisation. But don't set yourself up for failure thinking that a big concerted effort before Christmas will get everything done - it really won't. I think this is probably a year long project for you, based on my experience.

I think you are right to start on clothes - clothes were our achellies heel too - all over the house, piles of clean/old/charity shops/waiting for next DC to grow into.

The advice to use a charity which will collect is also excellent, as is freecycle/freegle. I had a binliner full of age 2-3 clothes which weren't good enough for a charity shop but too good for rags. (think a paint splodge here and there). In the end I put them in a bin liner, listed it accurately on freegle - lots of people who are into a zero waste lifestyle don't care about stains on children's clothes - especially as they get worn out anyway. The bin liner of clothes was collected within an hour by someone really grateful.

Also Facebook for stuff for collection - if you want it gone just list it for free. Some people will say that people exploit this to get stuff to car boot on, but I just decided that I didn't care if someone wanted to make a few quid out of my old clothes if they wanted to pick them up and take them off my hands.

The filing cabinet - sorry to be thick but do the drawers come out? Would you be able to move it if you took the drawers out, shuffled it across, then put the drawers back in?

Good luck, and please keep chatting. I finally, after 3-4 years of chaos, mess and disorganisation am beginning to feel more on top of it, and more able to do all those 'tidy tips' (like never leave a room empty handed) that tidy people do. The problem with things like that when you're in chaos is it just makes very little difference so it's even harder to motivate yourself.

Good luck for Sunday! You will need to keep doing a bit each day to have an impact for Christmas, but you can do it. I hope your DH gets the help he needs too.

If you get a skip from wastecycle they recycle 80% of it.