How do I get my house tidy?

[whatamessitallis]

My house is a terrible mess, I don't know how to get to grips with it.

It's got to the point I just don't know how to make an impact on it. But I need to, this is crisis point.

I've always struggled with keeping on top of housework.
But this last year or so, I've been away a lot (elderly dad has needed looking after and mum died earlier this year of cancer).

The house has got into such a state, I can't seem to impact it. Plus I find it hard to know where to start. I work from home, supporting a family member's business. I'm good at my work, but I find it takes me longer to do than it would a "normal" person and that makes it harder to have enough time to get to grips with the house.

DH is unwell and depressed. The environment is making him worse and the depression kicks off his ailments. He's often in bed in pain. He can't bend as his back hurts. He's in a negative spiral and I'm scared what's going to happen. The house really isn't helping. I suspect he may leave soon.

I paid for a de-cluttering person to come help me, and she's been coming once a week for a couple of months. But I'm running out of money to do that, it's not cheap. We do a room at a time, together but the house is so bad, we only managed to do half the front room in 4 hours this week. And I haven't been about to keep on top of it enough between visits for it to make a massive difference. De-cluttering people work with you, they don't do it for you, and that's exactly what I needed from her, someone to do it with me. I'm basically paying her to be my friend! Really I need DP to do it with me, but he's in too much pain and we're not communicating well at the moment, so it's not going to happen. He does all the cooking & washing up instead as he can do that standing up.

The house is a bad as a hoarder's house. I'm not a hoarder - I don't cling on to stuff. But I have real problems with organisation and procrastination. I think maybe I have ADHD (I'n going for an assessment in January). I fit the profile anyway.

The kids are getting older and really want to have friends round - they used to, but not in the last 18 months, since it got so bad. I won't let anyone in. There's only so many times I can take the kids to softplay or whatever. They want to be able to play at home.

How do I get out of this situation? Can anyone give me any advice on what to do?

I tried going for counselling for procrastination, didn't make a difference. DH and I went for couples counselling, didn't help address the communication break down at all.

I need to know how to get on top of it. I tend to get very focused on things e.g. my work, and it's hard to switch focus.

I find it really hard to stay on task when cleaning. I think possibly because I feel so much guilt about it, I beat myself up while tidying, if I'm doing it alone. But I can't keep paying someone to be with me! I need to work out how to do it. Maybe I need to make it easier for myself by trying to make it fun? Does that work for people?

Maybe I should do it and listen to a podcast or something. I dunno.

What works for you? Is there anyone here who's really terrible at this kind of thing but manages to get it done and stay on top of it? How do you do it?

Hi op, I'm very procrastination prone when it comes to tidying as well. One thing I have found really helps me is listening to loud music. I have made a playlist on my phone of my all time favourites and I whack that on and get stuck into a task.

It has helped me realise that tasks I thought took forever (so wouldn't have time to do...) really only take three or so songs.... so that's 10-15 minutes. It sounds stupid, but once I realised that then tidying up didn't seem so scary or monumental at all anymore. I have also found that I want to keep going with the tidying because I'm enjoying listening to the music and singing along.

Please don't beat yourself up, I noticed in an earlier post you were listing all the things you have to do today - almost as an excuse why you couldn't do anything else. Here's an idea... whilst your daughter is in the bath have a sort through the bathroom cabinet, scrub the loo around and wipe the sink down.

Whilst the kids eat breakfast, Chuck a dishwasher load on.

If you change your mindset to doing little tasks often whilst waiting for something else to finish/happen then you'll suddenly find yourself in a tidy home without thinking.

I've just remembered one of my top tips for when clothes are overwhelming - and we were overwhelmed, think clothes covering every bedroom floor, 4-5 baskets of clean washing (some ironed, some not), other piles for 'sorting', 2 dirty washing baskets - it really was .

I suddenly realised that there was more to washing than 'putting a wash on', and so I started a rule which I now abide by quite rigorously.

The rule is, that I am not allowed to put a wash on until I have put away double the amount of washing that I am about to put in. That way it doesn't build up, and you're clearing space at the 'end of the chain' which can easily become a confusing bottle neck too. Sorting out stuff for charity can count towards up to half the amount.

Two more clothes tips -

1. If I find a hanger lying around (frequent occurrence here) I always make sure I put it away by finding something on the floordrobe to hang on it.

1. When ironing/sorting a big washed load, don't do it all then put it all away - if you run out of time you end up with piles everywhere. I generally rifle through the basket for all the clothes for one person, iron anything needed (not much) then put all of that away and then repeat for each person. This means that if you get called away to something else (which I ALWAYS do), at least a proportion of the washing is actually away and the rest is all in one place to go back to. So many times I'd come to go to bed and then find 4 half piles to put away, and it would just get shoved on the floor and forgotten about.

I have a slight tendency to hoard.
I find having a big clear out emotionally draining and difficult. I have the 'but what if I need it/remember when we bought that/throwing things away that can still be used is wasteful' set of feelings.

So I manage it by every weekend, getting two or 3 plastic bags and trying to find things to fill them up so i can bin them/take them to a charity clothes bin at waitrose etc.

I find this massively reduces the stress, as instead of havimg to clear an area of items full of memories, I just collect the things I care about least so don't feel a sense of loss.

For example, clearing my wardrobe completely would massively stress me out. But finding a couple of bits to fill a plastic bag to bung into the charity collection point doesn't feel that bad at all.

In time, I've got rid of almost all my clutter. And with minimal stress!

I know you want the house sorted, now. But you've got tobe realistic.It's a massive job and takes real change to your habits. Start small - one bag every saturday and sunday. Maybe get your DH and kids to do 1 bag each too. Get rid of them immediately - into the car, drive to the charity collection pointy, or into the bin.

If you do it, your house will be so much better by christmas 2019, and you'll feel so much better. See it as the same as losing weight - a lifestyle change works so much better than a crash diet!

Sounds as though you've got way too many clothes (I have too...my goal is 15 mins a day decluttering up until Christmas). How many clothes do you really need?

I love going on holiday and only having a suitcase full of clothes and no clutter in the holiday home/hotel. I just feel so energised when I haven't got loads of stuff around me to worry about. Things just weigh me down and make me feel stressed because they need looking after. Now I just need to feel brave enough to get rid of all my old crap!

I make up lists of tasks on my computer and print them off. Also since my husband is a auditory learner I’ve found that singing to him about housework helps.
My cleaner comes once a week to help me sort out old unwanted things to sell at boot sales. We fill up plastic bags with toys books games and clothes and take them to church or charity shops in the area. Sell as much as possible.

I have disabilities and when going through major crisis I was given help via social services from an enabler who helped me to start organising and convinced me to put my dla money towards a cleaner. I have two kids on my own and currently two jobs. I didn't think I could afford a cleaner but it's £10 per hour and Worth it's weight in gold.
It sounds like you're under a hell of a lot of pressure. In my county you can refer yourself for enabling service and they come and assess your needs.
I've also paid a declutterer and tbh yours sounds a bit shit. I also know one personally.
You should be able to get a whole house done in two days. They work fast and methodically, not scrutinizing every item with you.
You sound overwhelmed and it's no wonder you can't keep on top of stuff.
Seriously start chucking, charitying, free cycling without giving it too much thought. Get the stuff decimated and then consider a declutterer. I hope you can get an enabler, as you are a carer for your husband you should qualify.

Bin 75% of everything ruthlessly.
Just bin bin bin
Take 1 second to do a thought process “, do I desperately want this or use this regularly answer YES OR NO.

no inbetween no maybe, no in the future, or this might be useful one day...nothing. Simple yes or no.
Do it with everything

If I was you, I’d hire a big van for a day and fill it with stuff for dropping off at the tip / charity shops that same day. Then the next day I’d clean / tidy the rest. Aim to toss 75% of your stuff - watch “consumed” on Netflix, that’s what they do.
I wish I could help you because I’m the opposite - I can’t sit down or sleep until laundry is put away and everything is in their places etc. Not sure which one is better to be honest with you.

And when I say bin I mean bin bag. And it’s out of the house. Charity or tip
Do not freecyle of eBay or gumtree. This is MORE chance for procrastination.

It’s a good idea in theory, you could make a bit of money, but it’s not for someone like you. Get in bagged and get it the fuck out.

Just saw Paininthestain recommended the 75% method too. I would definitely do this OP.

@Refilona
Twins!!

Could you book any time off work? Even a day or two will get the ball rolling & once you start seeing progress you’ll get stuck in!

Could DH take care of the kids or take them out for the day so you can purely focus on sorting things?

Or perhaps get a sibling or close friend to help you. Just ask them to be there and help motivate & organise.

Clothes sound a big problem so maybe you could start with them. Throughout the entire house. Make piles, dirty, clean, charity shop, bin. Get them all bagged up or washed & put away. This will probably improve your house a lot.

Once you’ve finished with the clothes I’d focus on a room at a time. But be ruthless!

I make up lists of tasks on my computer and print them off. Also since my husband is a auditory learner I’ve found that singing to him about housework helps.

Wait, what?

I make up lists of tasks on my computer and print them off. Also since my husband is a auditory learner I’ve found that singing to him about housework helps.

Please tell more !

Thanks everyone one for the replies. DF on his way to bed, just catching up with the thread.

jasmine1971 well done!!

An online challenge sounds great :)

I feel I need to defend the declutter woman.

I think she's brilliant. She's really helped. But the reason we only got half a room done in half a day is because there was so much stuff to do. It needed a lot of work.

I just can't afford to pay that much to get the house up to scratch, there's so much to do.

Have you had a look at bootcamp on organised mum?
I started it by doing the general plan everyday.... then tackled one room at a time. Even if I only had 10/15/20 minutes I would go in, set my timer and really went for it. It amazes me how much you can actually get done and the rewards were quite quick.. also I didn't feel as overwhelmed by stuff...
I'm down to one room to declutter..
Feel so much better and in control!

I haven't looked at the general routines stuff yet as I need a big blitz to get on top of it. I can't start with 20 minutes a day, it'll never be done!

People keep recommending organised mum though. I'll have to have a look!

I looked up skips and hippo bags today (someone gave me the hippo bags recommendation by PM - thanks :) )

I found a good company near me for skips (good as in they look legit & recycle most of it) have asked for a quote.

I'd never heard of hippo bags before. Like skips, only they come in smaller sizes and more bag-like than skip-like!

Can you ask some of your friends or family to help? I know that it can be embarrassing to let people see the mess but close friends and family that love you won’t judge they might just roll up there selves and help

No, I literally don't have anyone I can ask. That's why I've been paying someone to come over. I'm paying her to stand in for my friends and family, basically.

We (stupidly, it now transpires) moved miles away from our families and old friends. The only friend I have where we live who's close enough to ask this kind of thing has health issues of her own.

My friends are all too busy with their own families, too far away to ask them to come help. My closest friend - who'd come in a flash if she could - lives overseas.

My DF is too old. DB won't do it. DH's family are too far away to get here and back in a day.

There isn't anyone I can ask. This is part of the problem!

Mrscog interesting, I like your rule! I'm going to try that.

I need to trick my brain into thinking it's non negotiable. Will have a go...

@whatamessitallis and @PartOstrich I am autistic with an autistic DC, my two DC are the same age as yours, OP. I have no family to help - estranged from parents and in laws live overseas, and my DH is not always a great help, more like a hinderence really. I have read up to page 6 of this thread and I'm about to read the rest before responding in full. There is a group on Facebook called Women with ADHD and I will send you a link if you send me a direct message. Staying on top of mess is a common subject on threads. I find them helpful. I agree with PartOstrich that lists and advice given by well meaning Neurotypical people are not going to help you much although some of the advice is good the expectation of how much you can manage and by what method will be wildly out of touch with how life actually functions for you. You need advice from people facing similar challenges. The good news is is that it's possible. You can do it. I have been working on getting my house in order over a number of months now, since the summer and I'm feeling much more on top of things. Still got some very grubby corners I need to sort out but the house is looking" normal".

Get a skip. Forget the charity shop.

Do your kitchen first.
Then get rid of 75% of the clothes, coats, footwear.

If you are near me down South (Guildford) then I will happily help you for a day but it would need to be after Christmas. I am very very ruthless. In the meantime we could do an online challenge. Let me know if you are about on Saturday and we can work out timings to go online.

(all meant friendly, hope I haven't pressured).