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Original poster

Mil pressuring me to babysit

154 replies

Lollypug · 28/11/2018 01:10

Hi so I have an issue, my partners mother keeps on at me about babysitting my son who is 9 weeks old. I am NOT ready to leave him. My partner doesn't seem to understand this even though I've told him I'm not ready. Anyway fast forward she found out thad we were planning a trip to town and straight away she offered to have him. I tried to compromise by saying why don't you come with us which I think is very reasonable. Anyway fast forward to today... my partner informs me that we are dropping him off Thursday at his mother's so we can do Xmas shopping. It's now 1 in the morning and I've been up crying with anxiety. I dont want to leave my baby with her. She smokes I'm worried she will leave him to go out and have a fab or take him out with her. I don't want him around that and I don't feel comfortable leaving him anyway regardless of that. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Thing is this isn't the first time she's offered to have him. I feel pressured so much. I don't like it I'm not ready. What do I do? I don't want to hurt anyone....
Please help...

OP posts:
scaredandindebt · 28/11/2018 01:16

Be firm and make it clear that you won't be leaving your baby

Kissel · 28/11/2018 01:16

Ask her not to smoke around the baby and be very strict with DH about what time you are heading back from town to pick baby up.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 28/11/2018 01:18

How about you ask her to come with you and you and your dp leave her and the baby sat in a coffee shop for an hour while you do a bit of shopping. That seems a reasonable compromise.

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brookshelley · 28/11/2018 01:20

Just say no!

MIL pressured us into leaving our baby with her to go out for my birthday dinner. Came home to both baby and MIL crying (can you believe it), FIL trying to calm both of them. She was too stubborn to call or text to say she couldn't get baby to take the bottle. I've never let PILs have my children alone since. Lesson learned. Unless your MIL has very recent infant care experience you must refuse.

victoriaspongecake · 28/11/2018 01:21

Just say no. Firmly. To both husband and m i l. Give them both a list of what you want buying and sit at home and enjoy your little baby in peace.

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 01:21

Ive tried that but my partner went behind my back and arranged for her to have him anyway so it's more convenient for him to get his shopping done. I said to him about him going off and me and his mum walking around town but that wasn't good enough he still arranged it. I'm his mummy he needs his mummy and i just think my other half nor his mother are respecting my wishes :(

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 28/11/2018 01:23

I'm sure your partner's mum won't smoke around your baby, I think people gave up doing that a long time ago. However I understand you don't want to leave such a young baby for a long time - though it's nice that you have a babysitter lined up for the future.

Just gently explain to her that you are not yet ready to go out without your baby but that there will be plenty of opportunities in the future for her to do her grandmotherly bit. She means well.

(Crispbutty's suggestion above is quite a good one actually, a compromise. As long as you can squeeze some shopping into a set time.)

snitzelvoncrumb · 28/11/2018 01:24

Do your shopping online, just say no thanks and leave it at that.
Your mil and partner are probably just trying to be helpful and give you a break. If they keep pushing you, just say you aren't feeling up to shoppers on the day and don't go.

CottonTailRabbit · 28/11/2018 01:25

Do you have anxiety or PND? Going shopping for an afternoon while somebody minds the baby is a very normal thing to do. You say you wouldn't be away from the baby anyway, the fact that the babysitter is your MIL isn't actually your problem. Your level of stress seems disproportionate to the situation. Is your DH trying to get you some time away from the baby in the hope it will help you settle your anxieties?

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 01:28

I know she means well it's just he's so little and I want to enjoy every moment with him while I'm off work. I've upset her before about what I want as she wanted to be at the hospital when I gave birth (didn't happen) but I just don't want to upset people. Since day one she's been pressuring me to have him to 'give me a break I don't need a break from him he is my darling little boy. It's also the fact that my other half arranged it anyway knowing full well I didn't like it.

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 28/11/2018 01:28

I would try not to make it into a fight or it risks him digging his heels in further and it blowing up. He clearly just doesn't get it because he doesn't feel the same. Neither is wrong but you can't leave your baby with someone you aren't BOTH happy with.

I would try to explain that it's VERY normal for a new mum to not want to leave her baby yet, and could he please support you. It's important for your bond with the baby and for your postnatal health to have things happen within your comfort zone. You know MIL just wants to help, and that's wonderful, you're flattered and grateful, and you will gladly let them know as soon as you feel ready in two years.

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 01:30

No CottonTailRabbit I don't. I'm just not ready to leave my baby yet and I think that's reasonable.

OP posts:
NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 28/11/2018 01:48

If you aren't ready to let her, tell her there's been a change of plans. Tell him no and if it's that difficult for him to get his shopping done with a baby then he can go alone and your going to stay at home with the baby.

whaletastic · 28/11/2018 01:53

I completely understand how you're feeling OP. My LO is 3 months and I'm still hesitant to leave him with someone else. If your DP refuses to say no to your MIL then you won't go shopping and will stay at home with your LO. Simple as that. The pair of them need to respect your wishes and understand that you call the shots.

delboysskinandblister · 28/11/2018 01:55

the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. Your baby, your rules.
MIL needs to back off and hubby needs to support his wife's wishes.
I'd be pissed off too because they are not listening to you.

Present at the birth? Is she always this invasive/innapropriate?

Shepherdspieisminging · 28/11/2018 02:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 02:01

delboysskinandblister she wanted to be there to support my other half... ha! I didn't even have my own mum there and I trust her with everything.
But similar with that I spent nights awake worrying about it and my other half backing her up. It wasn't until I had a go at her that she finally realised. And get this I felt like i was the one that had to apologise! Which I did and she said it was okay she was just upset. But yeah she is a nice person just can't take no for an answer.
But with this I don't think it's fair that I'm being put in a position that I'm not comfortable with.

OP posts:
Elllicam · 28/11/2018 02:04

They can’t make you leave your baby. Could you say you feel uncomfortable with the pressure and go and do something else entirely? Preferably with someone else like a friend or your mum. Leave them to do the shopping.

Robots1Humans0 · 28/11/2018 02:04

Send OH shopping with MIL and you stay home with baby, it is too early to leave him, I would be exactly the same ! Stand your ground ! And shop online ! Big love xxx

DirtyCurtains1 · 28/11/2018 02:16

Nope nope nope. You're well within your rights to say no. A lot of people wanted to 'give me a break' too when mine was that age (which I agree was lovely) but I never ever felt the need for one! She came everywhere with me and I enjoyed every second! No PND here or anything like that, I just loved spending all my time with her!

It's such a shame that your partner doesn't back you up in this though. Maybe it's him who needs the little break away?

If he feels it's easier to shop without the baby is there any compromise you can come to about him and you going off doing your own things for a hour then maybe meet back for lunch?

Totally with you though OP, if you aren't comfortable (regardless of reason) just say no.

delboysskinandblister · 28/11/2018 02:17

You're right. Honestly, 'be there for him'. Was she there at the conception aswell??!! She needs boundaries. And if hubby isn't supporting you then you are the one to set the.

Your husband is married to you not his mother. (this is all worryingly familiar) needless to say she needs a reminder that this is your very precious private and irreplaceable time with your baby whom you carried and gave birth to.

Put it to her with a smile and hold eye contact with her and in a calm tone but firm tone that the best way for her to help support you both is to put her own needs aside and respect your wishes. if you need space she gives it, if you need a baby sitter you'll ask for it.

Hubby needs to be reminded that he does not imbue trust if he goes behind your back

the hand that rocks the cradle is now you not her.

3 deep breaths, wash your face, have a milky drink and get some sleep. Don't let them grind you down. no-one can bully you if you don't let them Wink

If she still doesn't get it, send her to me..

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 02:25

Thanks everyone you making me feel so much better about this. I need to be firm I think which I'm not great at but I'm trying. Hopefully they will listen to me and if not then I simply won't go to town! Thank God for online shopping lol! I just needed it confirmed that I'm not being silly I just love my baby too much to be away from him 😊

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 28/11/2018 02:32

atta girl!!

take a leaf out of your MIL's book and just don't take no for an answer! I wonder how she would have managed her own MIL when it she gave birth to your DH....

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 02:36

delboysskinandblister
Mmm does make me wonder... I needed a good rant! 😂 but yeah I will talk to her and the OH tomorrow and it's either she comes to town and we do our thing, our baby comes if she doesn't want to go to town with us or I don't go at all! Simples 😀

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 28/11/2018 02:42

I need to be firm I think which I'm not great at but I'm trying

you just have:

I will talk to her and the OH tomorrow and it's either she comes to town and we do our thing, our baby comes if she doesn't want to go to town with us or I don't go at all! Simples

Congratulations on your boundary setting!