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Original poster

Mil pressuring me to babysit

154 replies

Lollypug · 28/11/2018 01:10

Hi so I have an issue, my partners mother keeps on at me about babysitting my son who is 9 weeks old. I am NOT ready to leave him. My partner doesn't seem to understand this even though I've told him I'm not ready. Anyway fast forward she found out thad we were planning a trip to town and straight away she offered to have him. I tried to compromise by saying why don't you come with us which I think is very reasonable. Anyway fast forward to today... my partner informs me that we are dropping him off Thursday at his mother's so we can do Xmas shopping. It's now 1 in the morning and I've been up crying with anxiety. I dont want to leave my baby with her. She smokes I'm worried she will leave him to go out and have a fab or take him out with her. I don't want him around that and I don't feel comfortable leaving him anyway regardless of that. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Thing is this isn't the first time she's offered to have him. I feel pressured so much. I don't like it I'm not ready. What do I do? I don't want to hurt anyone....
Please help...

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 28/11/2018 02:42

There is a very good reason that your hormones are screaming no. Your baby needs you. Don’t be leaving your baby if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t be.

Ps if you do your Christmas shopping on line you can get the best deals.

ParadiseLaundry · 28/11/2018 02:56

Absolutely don't leave your baby if you don't want to, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to leave him at such a young age, despite what anyone else might say. He is a tiny baby and only needs you. I'm so glad you're going to tell them (DH and MIL) no.

But the real problem is the pair of them not listening when you've told them no and DH going behind your back. This needs to be nipped in the bud. You've started to show you mean business by saying no to her bring there at the birth but they don't seem to have quite got the message yet!

OnceUponAGiraffe · 28/11/2018 03:02

Absolutely normal that you’re thinking like this. (Third time round I’m less choosy about leaving DD with people but I still feel the need to be near her as much as possible). Enjoy Saying It As It Is tomorrow.

I’m more :eek: at the birth story though and the fact your other half goes to his mum’s side not yours. He needs to be told very firmly now that if it is about you, your feelings take precedence over hers.

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Families
Silkie2 · 28/11/2018 03:05

i don't want to upset anyone
This why DH has ignored your wishes, he knows you will be a wooss and give in to his or anyone else's demands.
But thankfully you are realising how unhappy this makes you and are making changes. In the end it is more straightforward for everyone if you just say what you want and stick to it.

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 03:06

I know... It's an issue... I'm working in being assertive as honestly I used to go along with what other people say and rarely ever stuck up for myself. But more recently I've learnt that actually my needs and my baby's needs come above anyone else's and if they have a problem with it so be it. I will be talking to OH about this because it's not on anymore it's making me suffer... not what I need after just having a baby.... He needs to learn I won't put up with this anymore... may be I'm show him this thread and see what he makes of it...

OP posts:
ChaoticKate · 28/11/2018 04:05

I wouldn’t have been able to leave my baby at 9 weeks and I still struggle at 9 months. I completely understand the worry over smoking as my MIL smokes and it means I don’t want to leave my baby with her for more than an hour. Stick to your guns. He won’t be tiny for long.

NameChangeCuddleBums · 28/11/2018 04:11

Just done leave him. That’s absolutely fine and normal. It’s horribke your partner is not respecting your wishes and being supportive.

NameChangeCuddleBums · 28/11/2018 04:11

*don’t

happydays1983 · 28/11/2018 04:23

My babies 14 weeks. She's had a sleep over with my mother and been left with my MIL and my sisters.
Sounds like you need to chill out.
It's my birthday today and we're off out for a meal tonight leaving her with my sister in law who smokes but know for a fact she won't smoke around the baby.
Give your MIL a chance and go spend some time with your other half. If it doesn't go well then at least you have tried.

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 04:31

That's fine happydays1983 that's your choice and if you are happy so be it. But i don't need to 'chill out' if I'm not happy why should I put up with that. I needed this as confirmation that I'm not being silly or unreasonable. We all parent in different ways and that's okay and we are all comfortable with different things and that's okay to :)

OP posts:
notsureofname · 28/11/2018 05:11

Maybe DH just wants a couple of hours alone with you ...

junebirthdaygirl · 28/11/2018 05:12

Could you have her come round and sit downstairs with your baby while you go to have a bath/ shower or little nap. She would feel useful but a no smoking atmosphere and you would be relaxed.

blackcat86 · 28/11/2018 05:14

I think there is a middle ground here OP. DD is 15 weeks and I have left her for a few hours with both my parents (twice)and in laws (once). She's my first baby. I am intending on returning to work at around 10 months so I think a graduated plan of leaving DD is best. What are your return to work plans? For now, 9 weeks is quite young and you may not feel ready yet but in the next few weeks I would try just an hour out. Personally I wouldn't allow your MIL access to the baby at all when she's smoking. That may sound harsh but DH smoked before DD was born and my midwife explained the dangers of 3rd hand smoke (which i didn't even know was a thing) so even if she goes outside to smoke, changes her clothing and washes her hands, the cancer causing highly toxic chemicals still stay on her breath for 48hrs. Sorry but no smokers see my baby. DH was told firmly to quit or he wouldn't be living here when baby came. It sounds like there are a lot of issues with MIL and I wonder if that's part of your reluctance. Is there someone you perhaps trust more? I certainly wouldn't be pressured into leaving baby and would be informing DH that being pressured is very off putting and when you do leave baby it will be because you want to not because you're forced to.

Helbelle75 · 28/11/2018 05:34

I was exactly the same op. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with your baby, it's completely natural.
When my DD was that age, I only left her with my dh or sister for 5 minutes whilst I had a shower.
I struggle to leave her now and she's 19 months! Not because I have pnd or anything, just that she's my favourite person to spend time with. Clearly, I do leave her with other people as I'm back at work, and she's now old enough to be forming relationships with other people. But I only ever leave her with people I absolutely trust - mum, sister, pil, childminder.
Go with your instincts and don't worry about upsetting anyone. I've become much more assertive since DD was born as I'm her voice as well and I need to do what's best for her.
I think staying at home and shopping online is the way forward personally.

safetyfreak · 28/11/2018 05:43

I think you are overreacting and being a precious mum. Surely for a day shopping trip you can let his grandmother look after him, for a day so you can go Christmas shopping in peace.

I totally understand your mil and husband point of view here as it's only a day trip. I always been a more chilled mum so I never understood how hysterical some mothers get, crying over leaving youe baby for a few hours with a family member? I mean seriously. She is family too.

NotTired · 28/11/2018 05:49

There's absolutely nothing wrong with a mother not wanting to leave a 9 week old. Fine if people want to, also completely normal not to want to. My DS wasn't left until he was around 6 months old and that was only for around 3 hours. He's grown up to be a very confident child.

BeardedMum · 28/11/2018 05:55

I think it sounds like a nice offer and that a break for just a few hours could do you and your partner good. The smoking would be a deal breaker for me though even if she did not actively smoke around the baby.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/11/2018 05:57

Don’t leave your baby if you don’t feel ready yet.

I didn’t leave any of mine that young because I didn’t want to. My dc and I are fine with that as it’s the best decision for us.

It’s well and dandy for the mother who left their new baby’s at ten seconds old to go trek the Himalayas if that’s what they want and works for them.

Some of us don’t want to be away from our babies and that’s fine and normal and should be respected.

What is with all these mils who want to be ‘alone’ with another woman’s baby?

bastardkitty · 28/11/2018 06:10

Some very strange and goady posts on this thread. I came to say cancel the shopping trip but you've a already made that decision. I would also tell H that the next time he pulls a stupid stunt like going behind your back, you will divorce him. He needs a wake up call.

safetyfreak · 28/11/2018 06:11

What is with all these mils who want to be ‘alone’ with another woman’s baby?

Yes how dare they!! Those interfering MIL who want to spend time with OUR lovely babies! They are so strange and pushy.

MaverickSnoopy · 28/11/2018 06:19

We're all different OP so don't take comments to heart where people say you're overreacting. Some people will feel ready and others won't. Doesn't make you wrong.

I didn't leave my first until she was 12 weeks old and that was for 40 minutes to get my hair cut and with my mum who I trust implicitly. I don't think I left my second until she was 5 months. I just didn't feel ready to be apart from her. Both times however I wasn't full of anxiety over it because I did it in my own time. I had to leave my third at 6 days old due to circumstances outside of my control and it was horrible. Obviously that's a bit different but I cried and cried. Do not let anyone push you into something you are not ready for. If you didn't let MIL take him then would you even enjoy yourself? It's pointless if you're going to be upset the whole time.

In your shoes I would be saying to your OH that he needs to cancel because you're no longer going, that he didn't listen to you and that you're not ready. If he wants you to come then baby is coming too. Fwiw my third is currently 5wo and I've done all of my shopping online. Not a hope in hell I'm traipsing round the shops with a newborn (but then I'd also have a "helpful" toddler in tow).

Maelstrop · 28/11/2018 06:20

I don't see why there should be any middle ground. This is your baby, no-one gets to have him if you don't want. You decide, you say no. Your partner has no right to overrule you. Is he controlling in other ways? Or does he just think more of his mother's feelings than yours?

A580Hojas · 28/11/2018 06:35

To the people saying op is overreacting and needs to chill out a bit ... the baby is 9 weeks! 9 weeks!! Still practically a newborn. And the idea of going Christmas shopping as some sort of enormous treat ... for real? Op - don't let anyone think you are not normal for not wanting to leave your tiny baby with anyone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you feel about this.

Littlefrog99 · 28/11/2018 06:36

It's your baby and nobody has the right to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Some people find it easy to leave their newborns with other people, some don't. My son was 16 weeks before I left him with MIL while DP took me out for a meal. I couldn't relax and we were home 1.5hours later, he was 4mo old before I left him again.

I'm sure MIL will take perfect care of your DC but it isn't about that, don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you're not ready to do.

YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine · 28/11/2018 06:37

Do you have anxiety or PND? Going shopping for an afternoon while somebody minds the baby is a very normal thing to do. You say you wouldn't be away from the baby anyway, the fact that the babysitter is your MIL isn't actually your problem. Your level of stress seems disproportionate to the situation. Is your DH trying to get you some time away from the baby in the hope it will help you settle your anxieties?

What a load of absolute shite! The baby is 9 weeks old ffs!

OP you are perfectly reasonable to want to have your newborn baby with you. Stick to your guns. Fwiw DD1 was 6 MONTHS old when I left her with my DM for an hour and a half. That's what I was comfortable with. I didn't have PND Hmm (I did after my second) I just loved my baby and wanted her with me. DM or MIL or anyone else would have had to prise her out of my cold, dead hands at 9 weeks. We all need to do what we're comfortable with and everyone else can jolly well get onboard.

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