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Original poster

Mil pressuring me to babysit

154 replies

Lollypug · 28/11/2018 01:10

Hi so I have an issue, my partners mother keeps on at me about babysitting my son who is 9 weeks old. I am NOT ready to leave him. My partner doesn't seem to understand this even though I've told him I'm not ready. Anyway fast forward she found out thad we were planning a trip to town and straight away she offered to have him. I tried to compromise by saying why don't you come with us which I think is very reasonable. Anyway fast forward to today... my partner informs me that we are dropping him off Thursday at his mother's so we can do Xmas shopping. It's now 1 in the morning and I've been up crying with anxiety. I dont want to leave my baby with her. She smokes I'm worried she will leave him to go out and have a fab or take him out with her. I don't want him around that and I don't feel comfortable leaving him anyway regardless of that. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Thing is this isn't the first time she's offered to have him. I feel pressured so much. I don't like it I'm not ready. What do I do? I don't want to hurt anyone....
Please help...

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 28/11/2018 10:52

Why is Bryonee being ungrateful? I don't see that at all.

Kissel · 28/11/2018 10:57

Her MIL is obviously very excited, she isn’t demanding to have the baby on a certain date, she is just providing another place for baby to feel safe if/when Bryonee and her DH feel ready to leave the baby with her.

MulticolourMophead · 28/11/2018 11:05

Her MIL is beyond excited and going into obsession. Baby isn't even here yet and she's kitted out a full nursery right down to nappies. Nappies that will likely never be used because baby will have grown. It really isn't normal behaviour.

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Weezol · 28/11/2018 11:10

Tell your partnet that the baby was inside you for 40 weeks and has only been outside you for nine weeks.

Sometimes a simple 'numbers' example can help folk to see things differently.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/11/2018 11:26

I agree with Bryonee, another psycho granny. Normal grandparents have conversations with their children about helpful suggestions for their house or buy gifts for the baby's parents to use.

LLOE7 · 28/11/2018 11:31

I feel for you op- I know the panic that is felt when someone suggests taking your baby away. Your mil is being selfish and you dp just doesn't want to upset his mummy- but is happy to upset you! Stick to your guns.
When I had my first my step mil kept talking about when she has him if people will think she's his mum bla bla. I didn't want to be parted from him and when he was six months old step mil finally exploded and said how 'confused, hurt and angry she feels that I have not allowed quality, one to one bonding time without mum or dad there as a distraction' 🙄 I explained that I'm not comfortable leaving my little breastfed baby and wouldn't be for a while as he just needed to be with me, and there will be plenty of time for taking him out alone etc when he is old enough to understand where he is going and who with and want to go. She wasn't happy at all and called me a 'right little madam' but I stuck to my guns. My first is now 3.5 and she and fil have looked after him once ever- did not change his nappy and took him to someone else's house who had a snappy dog without checking with me and dh first. I now have a 9 week old baby too and there's no way I would be away from her for longer than the time it takes me to shower upstairs! Instincts are there for a reason, it's natural for you to keep your baby close as that is what is best for the baby.

seven201 · 28/11/2018 11:32

Well done for telling her no! My mil was constantly offering too. I know she was trying to be helpful and she was excited, but I had no desire to leave my tiny baby with anyone. I think inviting her along was the right thing to do. You dh is a dick - sorry.

Bryonee · 28/11/2018 11:36

@Kissel so would you be grateful for someone so kindly offering to attend all of your personal medical appointments with you, and offering to be so lovely that they say they want to be there when you go into labour (and cry when you say no), and kit out a full nursery for your child at their home?

Some mad people may think that's all lovely, others may think it overbearing and completely inappropriate with no sense of boundaries.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 28/11/2018 11:44

It's all about intention, isn't it?

Offering to have your baby, simply as a helpful offer, no worries if not, is totally fine and 'normal' behaviour from friends and family. Especially helpful when that person has history for being respectful of your wishes and you trust them.

Throwing a strop/getting upset, calling you names etc is not the intention of a helpful offer. Neither is it when that person has history for going off and doing their own thing, ignoring your wishes.

My MIL bought loads of stuff for DD to use at their house, however there was never any pressure for us to use it. She simply loved to buy things for DD even if they didn't get used. That was the difference, no pressure (or I was simply oblivious to it, I do have a reputation with my PIL for doing my own thing!)

HJWT · 28/11/2018 12:07

@Kissel her MIL is clearly pressuring her son to have the baby hence why he thinks it's appropriate to come home and tell his wife his mother IS having the baby on this day and WE are going shopping !!

ToastyFingers · 28/11/2018 12:16

100% put your foot down. Tiny babies need their mothers.
At that age he won't enjoy time away from you anyway and it'd be a shame to do it just to please you MIL.

My MIL was desperate to babysit when mine were small and kept trying to engineer situations where we'd have no choice but to let her but she has a big dog, wouldn't use proper car seats and kept trying to give them bottles of water to drink so we stayed firm and didn't leave either child without one of us until they were old enough to make their needs known. They're both happy and secure now and love spending time with their grandparents.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 28/11/2018 12:18

The best thing in situations like this is to just be honest. Say you're not comfortable with leaving the baby just yet.

mostdays · 28/11/2018 12:20

my partner informs me that we are dropping him off Thursday at his mother's so we can do Xmas shopping.

You say "no, we are not" and you keep saying it.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 28/11/2018 12:22

@bryonee ignore it.

My MIL was the same when I ahd DD 5 years ago. She wanted to know the moment I went into labour and cried when I said no and again wanted to kit out a whole nursery and cried when I told her it would be a waste of time as we rarely visited anyway and that it would be better if we just brought the few things we needed on our visits.

She kept it all and most got given away to others as surprise, it wasn't needed. We're expecting DD2 now in Feb and told her from the start we were not putting up with the interfering again and have kept her info on the pregnancy to the bare minimum she needs to know. We haven't even told anyone except my mum the exact due date so they don't pester asking when baby is here (my mum knows as she'll be taking DD while labour is going on). We've just told them "she's due in Feb"

Aomame83 · 28/11/2018 12:33

He arranged it without your permission, then he can unarrange it.
Does he have a problem saying no to his mother?
I don't think it is unreasonable, I think by allowing it to go ahead against your own judgement will set a precedent for the future.

safetyfreak · 28/11/2018 13:42

That's why they want to be alone with the baby. It's not for the baby's sake and it's not for the mother's sake. It's to indulge grandmother's emotions.

Yes I agree! How dare the MIL openly enjoy spending time with her grandchild. It's so strange she gets so many emotions around a baby.

Mixedupmummy · 28/11/2018 14:01

SnuggyBuggy

Soontobe60, that's fine when the child is older but they are a newborn. I think as a society we do a really poor job of respecting the needs of new mothers and babies. There will be plenty of time for this child to bond with extended family.

I also agree the third hand smoke would be an issue.

compeley agree with this ^

it's lovely she wants to be involved/help. imagine you did want a break. how nice to have someone so keen to help. but not at all nice that she's being so pushy. I find it odd that so many people are saying you need to compromise. there isn't s comprise in this instance. you don't want to leave the baby yet and that should be the end of it. I'd perhaps thank her for the offer and say you'll be delighted for her to baby sit in due course (don't give a time scale) but you're jusy not ready. if you are inclined explain further that your hormones are making yo anxious at to be away from the baby and you're much happier with the baby.

your dp needs to get his head straight to and realise you and his baby are his priority. not his mother.

brookshelley · 28/11/2018 14:06

@safetyfreak there is no reason MIL needs to be ALONE with the baby except to get around the fact that babies prefer their mums. The baby does not in any way benefit from being left alone without its mum when mum doesn’t want or need to leave him!

Granny has refused the reasonable offer to go out together as a family so what does that tell you then? It’s not just desire to spend time with the baby. It’s to be ALONE.

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 14:17

Thanks everyone x I'm going to sort this out. They all need to respect my wishes. I don't want to stop her from seeing him. I LOVE that he has so many people surrounding him that love him and care about him. But they need to understand in his mummy I carried him for 40 weeks and 13 days and I need to bond with him. Should the time arise when I feel ready it's great that's she's willing to look after him and im sure he will be fine. But not just yet, not while he is still so little x

OP posts:
rach2713 · 28/11/2018 14:34

Everyone is saying her partner has no right to over rule what she says if the MIL has the baby or not but is it not his baby so does he not have a say as well. As others have said he may want to spend time with her and treat her with out the baby it's not as if it's over night is a few hours you can make it as shirt or as long as you want..

MrsFassy · 28/11/2018 14:48

@safetyfreak The wanting to be alone with the baby is purely for MiL's benefit, no one else's and definitely not baby's. Surely if it's about wanting cuddles and to bond with baby then she can do that quite easily with mum around, so when baby needs mum, as they do at such a young age, she's right there.

MrsFassy · 28/11/2018 14:52

@rach2713 No he doesn't have the right to force a mother to leave her tiny baby before she feels emotionally ready. No one has that right.

rach2713 · 28/11/2018 14:55

But it would be a different story if the she wanted to leave the baby with her mum and he wasnt happy or comfortable with it would you all be saying its not up to him as he ain't the mother..

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 14:59

Actually @rach2713 my mum agent looked after my baby yet and I trust her with everything. She agrees with me that he is too little to be left and to be away from she she knows that she will get her time to look after him when he is older and I'm emotionally ready for it. His mother is pressuring me into this it's constant. He's MY child and my OH child and we need to jointly decide and agree. He should never have gone behind my back

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 14:59

Hasn't* not agent

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