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Original poster

Mil pressuring me to babysit

154 replies

Lollypug · 28/11/2018 01:10

Hi so I have an issue, my partners mother keeps on at me about babysitting my son who is 9 weeks old. I am NOT ready to leave him. My partner doesn't seem to understand this even though I've told him I'm not ready. Anyway fast forward she found out thad we were planning a trip to town and straight away she offered to have him. I tried to compromise by saying why don't you come with us which I think is very reasonable. Anyway fast forward to today... my partner informs me that we are dropping him off Thursday at his mother's so we can do Xmas shopping. It's now 1 in the morning and I've been up crying with anxiety. I dont want to leave my baby with her. She smokes I'm worried she will leave him to go out and have a fab or take him out with her. I don't want him around that and I don't feel comfortable leaving him anyway regardless of that. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Thing is this isn't the first time she's offered to have him. I feel pressured so much. I don't like it I'm not ready. What do I do? I don't want to hurt anyone....
Please help...

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 28/11/2018 06:44

Since you partner went behind your back I think you're well in your rights to talk to her privately; get her on your side.

You're not ready to leave your baby, nothing wrong with that. Explain to her the it's not her as such (we'll gloss over the smoking for the moment) just that you are a new mum and you feel a physical ache at the thought of leaving him. You wouldn't enjoy shopping.
Ask her what it was like for her, does she remember that feeling? She's had her time raising her children and she needs to enable you to have the same. Maybe suggest she comes along and has an hour in a coffee shop with the baby while you shop?

Is it that your partner resents the baby and wants time alone with you and is making out it's his mum who's putting the pressure on to leave him?

TheOrigBrave · 28/11/2018 06:46

A 9 week baby is no trouble taking shopping. Get her on hand for the following 2 years when you REALLY won't want to take a toddler round the shops!

EmmaJR1 · 28/11/2018 06:52

Op if you don't want to leave him, then don't. It's your decision to make.

Your mil is making a nice offer but so what? It's an offer not a command.

Your dh thinking he knows best is the problem - he is trying to "manage" you and that's not how it works when you have babies.

It's a joint effort not just his choice!

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Pinkprincess1978 · 28/11/2018 06:55

Many years ago my mil asked to be in when I gave birth to 'support' her son 😂 sorry this isn't a spectator sport. If the supporter needs support where does it end? Would fil be allowed in to support mil?

In terms of leaving baby so young you are not being unreasonable. When we had our first dc we had a wedding anniversary when he was 8 weeks old. We had a family member come round to babysit while we popped out very locally for a meal. I was so anxious I couldn't relax and we were home in under two hours.

You need to stick to your guns about this now until you feel comfortable about it.

And to the PP who thinks she wouldn't smoke around baby, many, many people still do this. I see it on the streets all the time. Plus, it's recommended that you don't pick up a baby for I think 30/45 mins after smoking as it clings to hair/clothes. What happens if she does go out for a smoke then baby needs changing?

candlefloozy · 28/11/2018 06:56

Things like this annoy me so much. My mil insisted on taking my dd out for a walk while I got things done around the house. I sat at the window waiting for them to come back the entire time. It was so sad. She was so insistent. I soon learnt to put my foot down

CryingMessFFS · 28/11/2018 06:59

Your plan sounds good, put those boundaries in place, it’s hard to be assertive when you’re not used to it I totally get you! 9 weeks is still tiny. I was not ready to leave either of mine at 9 weeks. You don’t need to ‘chill out’ as others have said.
MIL struggles to take no for an answer so be more like her - don’t take no for an answer yourself

erykahb · 28/11/2018 07:00

Your DP hasn't really been that respectful at all- you are well within your motherly right to not want to leave your baby.

IMO, id cancel the trip to the town or tell him he can take his mum instead.

Your baby is only 9 weeks!! Why is dp nor MIL listening to you!!

MrsFassy · 28/11/2018 07:01

No she isn't "just trying to help", if she was she would have made the offer once and when OP refused said, "okay, let me know when you feel ready and we'll start slowly" or something along those lines. If she meant well she'd be understanding and supportive instead of continually badgering the OP putting her under pressure.

Also @Lollypug you not wanting to leave your baby yet is perfectly normal, and you OH should be listening to you and telling his mum to back off.

If you don't want to leave your baby then don't.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 28/11/2018 07:06

Tbh, I wouldn't be letting a smoker look after my 9 week old baby, whether she smokes during that or not. Third-hand smoke is a thing.

Plus what everyone else said about you being under no obligation at all to facilitate this. My last was 3 months before I was away from her for one or two hours - and she was with dh.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/11/2018 07:11

You don't have to please these people OP. You are the mum and your baby is still a newborn, you two need to be treated like a unit. Grandparents don't need extended periods alone with a baby to bond, they aren't toys. Seeing the baby with the babies parents is normal.

I'm only recently making plans to leave DD with her grandparents at 7 months so DH and I can go out for brunch (or a shag, haven't decided Wink) between feeds. At 9 weeks they feed really frequently and just want their primary caregivers.

Soontobe60 · 28/11/2018 07:16

What you have to remember is that the baby has 2 parents. As such, there has to be some compromise. By refusing to let your MIL look after him for a short while, you're actually saying yo don't trust her, she's a crap mother etc. That is probably making your DH feel angry, as it's his mother.
In saying that, what you're feeling is quite normal. But your baby will benefit so much from spending time with other people. I'm sure you don't want a baby who will only settle with one person, because that's not good for them. Socialisation is very important!
I think you should let your MIL look after him for a couple of hours at your own house, be very firm in the smoking thing, make sure she knows his routine etc.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/11/2018 07:19

Soontobe60, that's fine when the child is older but they are a newborn. I think as a society we do a really poor job of respecting the needs of new mothers and babies. There will be plenty of time for this child to bond with extended family.

I also agree the third hand smoke would be an issue.

anniehm · 28/11/2018 07:23

I would have loved to have such a helpful mil, mine has had the kids once is 19 years, and only because dh begged her to spend time with them rather than crap plastic gifts- she took them to a film. I agree you need to have strict rules on no smoking but just for an hour or two will do you good

JassyRadlett · 28/11/2018 07:24

Yes how dare they!! Those interfering MIL who want to spend time with OUR lovely babies! They are so strange and pushy.

It’s the ‘alone’ bit that comes across as weird. ‘I want to spend time with the tiny baby’ - brilliant, there’s a caring grandmother.

‘I want to spend time with the baby and I don’t want his mother there while I’m doing that’ - wtf?

Starheart · 28/11/2018 07:28

I would probably encourage you to say no to this if it makes you uncomfortable. Your partner needs to respect your boundaries. It will lead to other things being arranged without your input if you don't .

Aria2015 · 28/11/2018 07:31

Say no to leaving him completely and try and offer something else. I appeased my mil because my lo slept longer and better being cuddled upright and so I'd ask if she’d come to the house for two hours so she could cuddle him after a feed and I could nap upstairs. I felt better knowing he was was in the house with me and I could pop down at any time and I got to rest. He was ebf so that did help with giving excuses as to why I didn't want to leave him. I totally know how you feel though and felt exactly the same. Don't part with your baby if you don't want to. She’ll have plenty of opportunity to be with your lo in the future. You won't enjoy shopping if he's away from you so the only person who is happy is your mil and her happiness shouldn't come above yours when you have a newborn.

HariboBrenshnio · 28/11/2018 07:32

At this point, all baby wants and needs is you. Your MIL having him is purely just for her selfish need and no benefit to baby, or you if you're anxious about leaving them.

I didn't have PND or anxiety but I didn't leave my babies with anyone but their dad until they were 10/11 months because I didn't want to.

I don't judge anyone who leaves them earlier, we all need to do what's right to protect our mental health, but it was always better for me to have them close.

Put your foot down. Tell them no and you'll let them know when you're ready to let them babysit.

Jent13c · 28/11/2018 07:37

My BIL made my SIL leave her baby at 6 weeks (hes a very strong character and insisted they had a date night) and she went along with it and was miserable. If you are not ready you are not ready. I know people who have done a weekly sleepover from birth quite happily but it is not for me.
I left my baby for the first time 1.5 hours at 6 months and I was quite happy to get a wee lunch out at that stage.

I absolutely disagree with the previous poster who says you are saying that you don't trust them if you don't want to have them baby sit. I absolutely trust my MIL and SIL and even DH but I was with my baby for the first 6 months continually.

You need to be firm and tell both parties that you are very grateful for the offer but no. Theres no reason you can't go Christmas shopping with a 9 week old, they sleep half the day and you can shove presents in the bottom of the pram. A compromise might be to ask your MIL if she can take the baby out a walk or come over and watch it while you get a sleep or a shower or get some tidying up done.

MrsFassy · 28/11/2018 07:46

@Soontobe60 There doesn't have to be any sort of compromise, not in this instance and especially not when a mother does not want to be parted from her very young baby. There's plenty of time for compromise in the future when OP feels more comfortable and ready to be away from her child.

And it's not about her not trusting her MiL it's about her not wanting or needing to be apart from her tiny baby.

At this stage no one but mum and dad have a right to alone time with the baby, and more importantly the baby doesn't need it. All baby needs right now is mum and dad, bonding with extended family comes in time.

A decent grandparent would not be putting their own wants ahead of the needs of the mother and baby. They'd be offering support and show some patience.

Weenurse · 28/11/2018 07:52

Don’t leave him if you don’t want to. Simple

oh4forkssake · 28/11/2018 07:56

Glad this thread is giving you strength. I didn’t have PND, but didn’t like leaving mine when they were babies (with DD2 it was tricky anyway as she was a bottle refusing-but constantly feeding baby). The first time I left DD1 she was 13 weeks and it was to go to the supermarket! I was gone 45 minutes. And before anyone piles on both DDs have a lovely bond with DH and he with them but I was very definitely the primary parent when they were tiny.

Tell your MIL and your DP kindly but fairly, no thank you, that doesn’t work for me or DS. I am delighted for you to come with us, but I won’t be leaving him.

And to be really clear, you don’t have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem. He should be backing you up.

Original poster
Lollypug · 28/11/2018 07:56

I messaged mil saying that we are taking him with is but if she still wants to come she is welcome to. As I don't want to stop her seeing him I just don't want to leave him alone with her yet.
Now just the OH to takle when he gets home...

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 28/11/2018 07:58

I didn’t leave my babies at that age because of feeding. Luckily my husband was less inclined than me to leave them and fussed and flapped around them.

There willl though come a time when you dream of being able to have an hour or two to try on new shoes or watch a film. Don’t burn your bridges with your mother in law!
Make her your friend. She’s of course excited and wanting to be supportive but being pushed away. I think you should explain it’s ab you not being ready to leave the baby yet as you want to enjoy every minute but that you’d love her along for shopping. Then let her push the prom with pride.
The relationship between granny and grandchild can enrich their lives so much and be such s help to parents don’t through that away.

RemyRelax · 28/11/2018 08:06

Why would MIL want to force OP into doing something she’s not ready for? MIL is being selfish and only caring about her own wishes.

And I can’t believe other posters are encouraging a new Mum to give into pressure on how she looks after her own baby.

HJWT · 28/11/2018 08:08

Sounds very Similar to my MIL !! She wanted to be at the hospital and I didn't want her there so we didn't tell her until after I gave birth literally straight away DH rang her and she hit the roof screaming down the phone! She said she wanted to wait in the car park and then we found out she wanted to see her sons face when he finally became a dad as he had waited so long! She honestly thought he would of come running out to the car park to tell his parents the second she was born! I was like yeah that never would of happened would it MIL because I almost bled to death and wasn't allowed out the bed for hours !! Then when she finally got over that she was pressuring me to have the baby she even went out and bought her own pram car seat bath tub etc !!! Put it this way DD is 2 now and she still hasn't stayed with my psycho mother in law. Iv left her once with my sister when she was 1 and in bed asleep! Don't feel bad just tell them your not going to put there happiness before your own.....