Mil pressuring me to babysit

[Lollypug]

Hi so I have an issue, my partners mother keeps on at me about babysitting my son who is 9 weeks old. I am NOT ready to leave him. My partner doesn't seem to understand this even though I've told him I'm not ready. Anyway fast forward she found out thad we were planning a trip to town and straight away she offered to have him. I tried to compromise by saying why don't you come with us which I think is very reasonable. Anyway fast forward to today... my partner informs me that we are dropping him off Thursday at his mother's so we can do Xmas shopping. It's now 1 in the morning and I've been up crying with anxiety. I dont want to leave my baby with her. She smokes I'm worried she will leave him to go out and have a fab or take him out with her. I don't want him around that and I don't feel comfortable leaving him anyway regardless of that. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Thing is this isn't the first time she's offered to have him. I feel pressured so much. I don't like it I'm not ready. What do I do? I don't want to hurt anyone....
Please help...

@rach2713 Nope. I'd be saying talk to him and find out his reasons why, then leave the baby with him if he doesn't want baby to be left with your mum. But that's a completely different scenario. This is about something far more primitive; a mother's need to have her young baby close, and a baby's need to have their mother nearby. At 9 weeks they're still in the 4th trimester and mum is the most important person to baby, with dad taking second place- for the time being- that obviously changes as baby gets older and their needs change.

For this short stage yes I think mum has more say

Er, nope. At 9 wks old he does not need to be babysat.

How'd it go with oh?

We had a long talk to discuss all this and in the end we compromised by our son coming with us and that she could come up In the afternoon and we can all take him out for a walk and go to a local coffee shop. There was a bit of an argument but not half as bad as what I was anticipating. I told him he shouldn't go behind my back and it's both of our decision about the choices we make in regards to our son. He messaged his mum and basically told her to back off and I will approach her when I'm ready for him to be looked after. So all in all a good result. Feel like I made a big fuss now! But I got some good advice on here and it gave me the confidence to stand up for myself x

I'm just glad he finally listened to me 😁

I love my Granddaughters to bits but am not that desperate to take total responsibility for them! I do help my DD out, by visiting and sending her to bed, when she is tired, but have no wish to have total care of them, do the boring stuff... I will keep to being fun Granny.

Maybe this point of view might help, after you have laid the firm boundaries.

Tell her to fuck off. Honestly the amount of times this happens. Its just bloody strange

Your baby, your choice and entirely your decision and everyone has their own way of doing things. For the record I have babysat my 3 month old GD overnight and for afternoons while my DD did keeping in touch days at work. I would never ever do anything to upset or hurt the baby in any way. As my own mother used to say “that no-one looks after your baby like your own family. You could leave your MIL in a coffee shop for say half an hour till you pop into a couple of shops to see how she manages. My own DD used to watch me with the baby and knew I could manage her and I bet I am a lot older than your MIL.

I would just tell her that absolutely she can babysit your ds - that you should be ready for her to do that, say on August 17th 2033, how does 10.30am sound?

Your ds should be about 14 or 15 by then, so hopefully you will feel that you can leave him with his granny for a bit - and hopefully she will realise that if you are deadly serious when you say this, point out here as you have done that you have carried him for a long time and you are in peak baby bonding time, just getting over the phsyical stresses of the birth and getting adjusted to your new life as a parent, that it will show that you really don't want to be separated at the moment - and there's no reason why you should be.

Wtf is wrong with all of these MILs treating new babies like a doll. I just don’t get it.

@rosablue Haha! I may just do that! let's just hope the message sinks in this time! 😆

My babys is 8 months and iv not left him once, purely because i dont feel the need to, i dont get it. Altho my sister left hers at 3 weeks.
Its normal, every parent can chose when they feel ready.
You must say no, its important to let your husband know that this isnt to undermine his decision as a parent too. Explain that you do not feel ready and pressurizing you wont help.
If MIL is dying for some 1 on 1 time maybe she could come over to yours and you could have a nap or a long soak in the bath while she cuddles little one? Bit of compromise

Oh dear these answers seem to have appeared in the time i took to type! Looks like you are sorted. Its worse while all the scenarios play in your mind. Glad you can relax now

@Surfskatefamily She already comes to see him once a week At least! I've never stopped her from seeing him ever. I want my son surrounded by people who love him. It's just he's so little and needs me. I just want to be there when she's with him and definitely don't want her to take him off me for 3-4 hours at a time

Well done Lollypug on standing up for yourself. Great outcome! 🤗

@CarpeVitam Thankyou at least I can sleep easy tonight! 😊

Assuming baby lets you! 😂

Haha he sleeps through bless him, it's hubbys snoring that's the problem! 😂😂

If I had an over the top,desperate granny trying to get her hooks into my newborn I'd tell her she can have them at half-past never on that'll be the day!!! Again one of the rare times I'm grateful I had a medically fragile preemie on oxygen I had zero offers to assist my DH and I with him it was too frightening!

I would never ever do anything to upset or hurt the baby in any way. As my own mother used to say “that no-one looks after your baby like your own family.

This is true in intentions but not in practice. Many family members are not suited to taking care of a small infant. Being a blood relation does not confer childcare expertise. Also many guidelines have changed over the years. For example laying baby on back to sleep, cot free of toys and loose blankets, no honey for under 12 months, etc. OP's MIL smokes which is a huge red flag as all current SIDS guidance says being around a smoker is a risk factor.

Not read thread but you call her, say your very sorry, he shouldn't have promised baby yet and you won't be leaving him. She's more than welcome to come with you and he can go off or you will just do your own thing with baby
No arguments no discussing with him.

No darling I'm not leaving him yet. That's it.

Hiya everyone x thankyou all for the adviceme and hubby had a long chat last night and I explained how I felt again. We came to an agreement that myself, he and son would go shopping and then she came up in the afternoon and we went for a walk and to a local coffee shop where she got lots of cuddles and feed him. I explained to her nicely that I'm not ready to leave my baby yet and I will approach her when I'm ready and feel happy with leaving him. I think she got the message so hopefully the message has sunk in and she will back off x I've also told hubby not to go behind my back again and to discuss things with me first as it's both of our choices. We've all had a lovely day and my son slept the whole time we were in town and Nanny got to have lots of cuddles too :)

Lovely update Well done and keep strong with your boundaries!

Excellent. I’m glad everything work out well.