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Original poster

Mil pressuring me to babysit

154 replies

Lollypug · 28/11/2018 01:10

Hi so I have an issue, my partners mother keeps on at me about babysitting my son who is 9 weeks old. I am NOT ready to leave him. My partner doesn't seem to understand this even though I've told him I'm not ready. Anyway fast forward she found out thad we were planning a trip to town and straight away she offered to have him. I tried to compromise by saying why don't you come with us which I think is very reasonable. Anyway fast forward to today... my partner informs me that we are dropping him off Thursday at his mother's so we can do Xmas shopping. It's now 1 in the morning and I've been up crying with anxiety. I dont want to leave my baby with her. She smokes I'm worried she will leave him to go out and have a fab or take him out with her. I don't want him around that and I don't feel comfortable leaving him anyway regardless of that. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Thing is this isn't the first time she's offered to have him. I feel pressured so much. I don't like it I'm not ready. What do I do? I don't want to hurt anyone....
Please help...

OP posts:
loveskaka · 28/11/2018 08:35

9week old baby needs their mum and mum needs them. Tell your partner the more he and she push the more uncomfortable u feel and the longer it will take to happen. My mil done this and I am only starting to let her have him for a few hours while I go to work, most the time my mum does it 😁 as she isn't pushy and follows my routine unlike mil. My ds is 1 in 3 weeks lol. Plus does your wee one even know who she is?. You would take pressure to do something else by someone else and this is no different. Stay strong and stand up for ur baby! 😘 and who cares if they go in a grump it's either them in a grump or u out shopping feeling very anxious and just wanting to get home and definitely not relaxed. X

fuzzywuzzy · 28/11/2018 08:39

@safetyfreak actually you’re right, in this instance where the MIL won’t take no thank you for an answer, the MIL is interfering and riding roughshod on the mother her grandchild’s feelings.

Wanting to be alone with another woman’s child against the mothers wishes is very much odd and weird and interfering.

Good for you for leaving your baby at whenever you did with wobmsoever you chose. That was your personal choice.

OP is not ready to leave her baby yet and that her perfectly valid and acceptable choice too.

And no her DP does not get an equal day in this matter as the baby is reliant on his mum right now, nine weeks ago he wa a part of her and he knows her smell, her voice the sound of her heartbeat and needs to be near his mum.

And I’m not MIL hating evil DIL. I had mine at the birth of my dc and she’d be over every single weekend after the birth to just come and sit and hold my baby, which I was very happy with if it made her happy. My MIL is lovely, she’s never once demanded ‘alone’ time with my dc or any other such ridiculous nonsense. Which is maybe why she’s always welcome.

loveskaka · 28/11/2018 08:39

Wouldn't take pressure*

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Families
PeachCokeZero · 28/11/2018 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 28/11/2018 08:44

“What is with all these mils who want to be ‘alone’ with another woman’s baby?”

Yes, how dare they want to spend a little bit of time with their grandchild. Maybe give them a cuddle, talk in a baby voice, sing to them. How dare they!!

ittakes2 · 28/11/2018 08:46

My twins were born premature and I had not bought them anything yet - so I left them with my m’n’law and my sister when they were 5 days old to get a cot and other things. I‘d been lying in a hospital bed for 5 weeks so I enjoyed the freedom! But the difference is I trusted my m‘n‘law and sister (they were also still in hospital). If you don‘t feel comfortable don‘t do it. This might be the first of many times she challenges your boundaries so stand firm.

Bear2014 · 28/11/2018 08:47

YANBU. I don't see what the rush is, and I don't get a lot of MIL's obsessions with getting the baby alone. My MIL would always get up and leave the room when my DD was handed to her, even if we were out and about in a cafe etc and it made me murderous. Totally bizarre behaviour.

Online shopping is the answer! Not sure why you're not already doing that tbh, who can be bothered with shopping when you're that tired.

PeachCokeZero · 28/11/2018 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinstar · 28/11/2018 08:53

* The smoking would be a deal breaker for me though even if she did not actively smoke around the baby.*

^^ This

LightDrizzle · 28/11/2018 08:54

All those saying she won’t smoke around the baby, how can you be sure?
My highly intelligent and educated Mum adored my DD1, she was a heavy smoker (she gave up recently only when severe COPD set in).
I asked her not to smoke around DD1 and we were very, very clear about this, especially not in the car, something that made me feel so ill as a child.
She convincingly reassured me she wouldn’t, but I could smell it on my daughter, she told me it must be the stale smell from the car. DD1 later told me Mima smoked in the car and everywhere else but it was their little secret!
I didn’t leave DD1 with her until she was a few months old and not for more than a few hours until she was nearly three, but still.
Many addicts have an amazing capacity for denial, I don’t doubt my mum’s adoration of my daughter, but she kidded herself all the fuss about passive smoking was ridiculous and her craving for a fag clearly trumped following my rules.
I was shocked.

brookshelley · 28/11/2018 09:01

@CrispbuttyNo1 my MIL complained that my DCs showed a preference for me over her. Yes that's right - she thought it was unfair that my breastfed infants wanted to be held by me instead. It's batshit but if you haven't experienced someone like this then you can't understand it. That's why they want to be alone with the baby. It's not for the baby's sake and it's not for the mother's sake. It's to indulge grandmother's emotions.

To be fair it's not only MILs, my friend's mum has pulled stuff like this on her, taking the baby out of her arms and going into another room and shutting the door, trying to cosleep with the baby against my friend's wishes, etc.

Chipsahoy · 28/11/2018 09:08

Hell no. The age and not wanting to leave is normal but not the issue here. The juge issue here that your husband is supporting your mil wishes and not yours.

I left my ds1 at one week old to go to Tesco. I left him with my mum and she was controlling and I allowed her to cross over my boundaries and left him when I didn't want to.
After yrs of therapy for other stuff, no way would I allow it now. I still resent her for pushing me when I was so vulnerable and forcing me to leave my tiny baby.

Your baby is in fourth trimester and needs to be with you. And you need to be with him.
.

Junebug123 · 28/11/2018 09:10

Stand firm on this. Good luck.

Silkie2 · 28/11/2018 09:12

I wouldn't show him the thread or then it's the mn harridans that have warped your thinking not that you have grown a backbone and are taking no nonsense now.

Laiste · 28/11/2018 09:14

OP are you feeling afraid of dealing with DH when he gets home?

SandAndSea · 28/11/2018 09:14

Well done for sending that msg, OP. I agree with PPs - go with what feels good to you. There's no rush.

Stormwhale · 28/11/2018 09:24

Well done op.

I can almost understand your dp not getting the strong maternal instincts and how it is unbarable to go against them, but I have no excuse for your mil. She is a mother herself, she must remember what it is like to have a new baby. Anyone who tries to force a mother to leave her baby when she is not ready is evil in my eyes. It causes so much distress, to force the issue for selfish reasons is just cruel.

When dd was born, I welcomed all family (Mine and dh's) to meet her, get to know her and enjoy their new family member. I was, however, Crystal clear that she was staying with me, and I would not be leaving her until I was 100% ready. I left her for the first time at may be 6 months old, and that was only for a short amount of time.

I strongly suggest you have a firm talk with your partner, and explain how distressed you feel at the idea of leaving him. Explain about hormones and instincts and just how strong they are in a new mother. I would then warn him that if he tries to force the issue, it will permanently change the way you feel about him, because it will.

tinstar · 28/11/2018 09:26

That's why they want to be alone with the baby. It's not for the baby's sake and it's not for the mother's sake. It's to indulge grandmother's emotions.

Spot on. I had this from my MIL when my dcs were little. They were primarily her grandchildren rather than my dcs. If one of them went to her she would look at me triumphantly as if to say, "see - they prefer me". She and FIL lived quite a way away which in many ways was a blessing but meant they would visit for a week at a time. MIL would just announce on a morning that they would be taking my baby out to give me a break. Very difficult as a young mum to just say, "no" when the only reason is you don't want to be parted and don't trust MIL. They'd always be really vague about where they were going and come back much later than they'd said (even when the baby was just being breastfed).
Even though my dcs are now grown up and my MIL is a frail 86 year old widow, threads like this take me right back to those feelings of anxiety and helplessness. The first time we visited with ds1 who was 4 weeks old she proudly announced she'd got some gold top milk in so we could go out for a break and she could feed him...... Wouldn't accept there was anything wrong with this so we never went out. On the same visit I also walked into the living room where she was holding him to find her pushing a chocolate biscuit into his mouth...... She'd spend a fortune on the sort of clothes she wanted him to wear (fussy outfits rather than comfortable and practical). I could go on!

Thirtyrock39 · 28/11/2018 09:29

We went out leaving first dd with my parents for a family birthday with in-laws when my first dd was a little older than this and it was really hard - also ebf and she wouldn't take a bottle but even being away for two hours was emotionally draining
There's years ahead where you'll be really grateful for offers of babysitting but 9 weeks is all about you and dh bonding with the baby. If she wants to help it'd be a lot more useful for her to go Christmas shopping with dh and you to be home with your baby
My in-laws were very intense first couple of years but are very laid back now (and we actually have to beg them to babysit now!) It will get easier but stick to your guns and make it clear you're not ready to be apart from your baby yet but when you are you'll be happy for the help

brookshelley · 28/11/2018 09:31

@tinstar If one of them went to her she would look at me triumphantly as if to say, "see - they prefer me"

Yes this has happened to me too.

MimiSunshine · 28/11/2018 09:52

Do you have anxiety or PND? Going shopping for an afternoon while somebody minds the baby is a very normal thing to do.
@CottonTailRabbit not when the baby is only 9 wks old it isn’t abd crucially not when the mother doesn’t want to

Bryonee · 28/11/2018 09:57

Well done for sending that message OP you are totally within your rights to! So you are trying not to upset anyone but it seems DH and MIL don't give a damn about upsetting you and are just forcing what they want onto you.

Your story makes me anxious because I'm a few months behind you but in a very similar situation. Due in a couple of months, MIL wanted to be at the hospital and I told her no, DH thinks I'm being unreasonable but has finally seen my point after I got friends who have actually been through labour to tell him how ridiculous it is. MIL has bought a nursery for her own home including crib, many clothes, nappies, bath stuff etc- I haven't seen any of it none of it is gifts for us or the baby she has just set up for having a baby at her home.

When I was only about 20 weeks she told me she was getting a crib so the baby could stay overnight at hers. The panic I felt was awful- this baby was not here yet and she's already talking about talking them away! I said straight away that that wouldn't be happening until the baby was much older (and was chastised by DH for it) but I don't care. I'm not going to be bullied by an over zealous MIL. It frightens me now that she's bought what a new mother would buy- and no she doesn't live far away so it's not like she needs anything at her house.

Good luck today, MN is behind you!

Bryonee · 28/11/2018 09:58

Oh also- MIL wanted to come to all of my antenatal midwife appointments and would write them in her diary until I stopped telling her when they were.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/11/2018 10:48

Some of these MILs are creepy as fuck. I've heard of older siblings being jealous of babies and being bought a baby doll to play with, maybe we should extend that to grannies.

Kissel · 28/11/2018 10:49

@Bryonee You sound very ungrateful