to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

Ask yourself what is more important. a)that your son has the day he wants with the activities he wants or b) you don't risk upsetting your 'friend' and give in to her.

No contest really, is there?

OP she is not being kind she is being a B.

I really get annoyed with these mums who have sporty boys and insist on foisting their son's sport on all of our sons at every party regardless. As you can see from my rant it has happened to me!!!!

Please tell her that her DH is not welcome otherwise her son and some others will head off with his dad to play football and intimidate the otters kids - see I really have experience with this.

Your child your party your activity - if they don't like it don't come to the party. My sons love art and craft parties and my 6 year old could paint all day so do not feel any pressure to do football.

I am gender critical but God these people who foist football on boys and pink sparkles on girls really get on my nerves.

I like Magdalena Abakanowicz' work.

Other kids not otter kids!!!!

I get that you feel in confident, but from what you say, and why you've chosen the painting activity and your noticing that Lucy really would have loved a potting party makes you a great DM, and need have no worry, and should feel very confident! You are doing a great and sensitive job for your DS. You can be everything your DS needs.

Wrt 'friend', she doesn't sound like one frankly, and despite your reverence of her for having 4 older DC therefore knowing what she's doing, she clearly doesn't, and worse, shes only interested in putting her wants and needs above those of her DC. Poor DC.
Kick her into touch, she's completely age inappropriate, giving eye brow shaping to 5 yr old.
She's a shit friend and mother. Please don't look up to her as any kind of example at all of how to be.
I bet her DS will love this activity!
Hope you have a great party, and no, Shea rude, so you shouldn't be worrying about not offending.
Go you, you're great, she's not!

It needs two texts, the first to deal with the party. "Hi X, I felt that you weren't listening to me when we spoke earlier. There will be NO football at DS's party. I understand that you feel that your DS won't want to paint, I don't want him to be unhappy so perhaps it would be better if he didn't attend. He will be most welcome if he does still want to come, but any footballs will be confiscated until the end of the party."

Second text. "I notice that you gave my phone number to someone that I don't know. You must stop handing out my number to strange men, that was a weird and creepy thing to do. In fact from this point forward don't give my number to anybody at all. In the unlikely event that someone needs my contact details from you, you should send their phone number to me and I will take it from there."

Honestly, if you don't stop her she will keep trying to bully you into her (sexist) world view until your DC go to separate schools. She'll probably get a bit offended and stop talking to you for a bit, which would be no harm really.

I would probably just text "PAINTING party. NO football."

Definitely don't allow parallel football playing - most boys will choose that, and probably half the girls. It is your sons party and he wants to paint, end of story. Your friend may be correct in that 4 year olds tend to prefer running around yelling at a party rather than sitting down and focusing on a craft activity, but she is an absolute moron for trying to overrule what a 4 your old wants to do at his own birthday party.

I'm guessing her son is not good at sitting down or art.

I think your friend is being incredibly (and weirdly) sexist, and quite rude.

Just stick with your original plan, OP, I promise you they'll all love the painting part of it. My DS is almost 11 now and since he was very little he has loved all things arts & crafts. I'm constantly amazed at his talent to create (I haven't got a creative bone in my body!) it's something he gets great enjoyment out of and has been useful for him in school etc. I can't imagine stifling that creativity in any way, it's just so odd. He's also very sporty. Boys can be both sporty and creative! (and girls obviously) I hope your little boy enjoys every minute of his special day.

I taught 4 yr olds for many years and can categorically say that your 'friend' is quite mad and that boys absolutely love to paint. Especially something they can take home with them! Honestly, some people! Maybe you should get the glitter out too, really push her over the edge.

Painting party sounds great. Wish they were available where i am. Its all boring stereotypical parties where i am

You need to text her and tell her you do not want any help, or football, at the party. Say her children are most welcome, but you think it's best if her and her husband stay away as you feel they're trying to take over and it's stressing you. Tell her your son and you are looking forward to what you've planned and she needs to respect that. Also say that passing your number onto someone without asking was out of order.

Follow @womensart1 on Twitter. Makes you aware of lots of women artists!

Hope you've sent a firm message by now OP. Your 'friend' is talking crap for weird reasons of her own and doesn't get to spoil your child's party with her rigid ideas of gender.

My DS had a Greatest showman party for his 4th birthday OMG DS2 would love this!

We had a crafting party for DS's 7th birthday. All boys. They enjoyed it, and had something nice to take home at the end.

She's a loon and horribly overbearing. Oh and a female chauvinist. Pamper party?? 'boys be boys'?

Phone her and say 'I don't think we left things clear when we last saw each other, but please tell your husband I'm not having a football activity at the party.' Don't worry about not offending them; they're behaving badly, not you.

I feel sorry for Lucy. First of all she gets a crap pamper party that she doesn't like and now she'll be stuck indoors doing girly painting while the boys are out playing manly football with their penises. With any luck she'll turn out to play football for the Lionesses while her brother becomes a ballet dancer and prances around in tights in public

I’m just following for the inevitable text exchange where the CF does NOT listen to you and continues insisting until you loose your shit at her and univite her kid

She doesn't sound like a friend, more like a boss. I'd go with BlackAmericano's texts - she had absolutely no right to give out your phone number to anyone. You could have had that guy pressuring you and ringing you for weeks.

In my classroom of 8-10 year olds, it is actually the boys who seem to be the most enthusiastic 'artists', and any sniff of a chance to draw or paint, they are the first to be at it. This is a group of particularly challenging students, who often are at the centre of behavioural issues, so nothing to do with 'boys being boys'. This afternoon, due to wet day timetable, they had the choice of watching a video or colouring/drawing, and nearly all the boys chose to draw

My own 6 year old would be ecstatic at the thought of a painting party, and would love the change from all the sporty/football parties that he doesn't care about.

Your friend is a bit odd isn’t she?! My 5 yo ds just asked for a painting party for his next birthday. It’s a lovely idea. Footballs in the same room as pottery being painted is a terrible idea guaranteed to end with somebody’s precious model being broken. You really must be firm with her before she walks all over you.

I missed the bit where she passed your phone number to a stranger You have to point out to her how unacceptable that is.

My only reservations with a painting party were party clothes getting paint on (fine as long as you tell parents to dress appropriately and use water based paint) and keeping the kids attention for enough time to actually paint anything. IME even the most quiet of kids can become a bit feral excitable at a party and struggle to sit still. 15 mins in combination with other activities sounds good. Do you have the option/space to let some kids carry on if they want to and let some play while others paint?

Your "friend" is patronising the hell out of you.
She doesn't know better than you, despite her "experience" - she just wants things to be done her way for her sprogs' benefit, totally regardless of how it will affect your sprog or anyone else at the party.

I have to agree with the strong text - "there will be NO football at this party, so if you feel it won't suit your child then perhaps they had better not come to the party at all" and I also agree with the "do NOT give me phone out to random strangers! have you not heard of the Data Protection Act?"

I REALLY hope you manage to get your point across before the party.

Your friend has issues. Don’t let her patronise you. I don’t care how “experienced” she is - she hasn’t learned to let her kids follow their own passions, so you’re way ahead of her on that. Have faith in yourself. And text to say you’be thought it over and you do not want football at the party.

Friend is an overbearing cheeky fucker.

I can't believe some posters are still suggesting you have alternative activities to the painting!! If they don't like it they can fuck off home!

She’s not very nice really is she.