to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

When my boys were that age they would have preferred football and given a choice they would have gone off with John for a kick around. I think this is why it is important to stop this guy turning up with a football. It will just cause a split and ruin it for your DS.

.As others have said he, or rather friend needs, to be told that it is a one activity birthday. I bet the guy has only been told in passing that he is going to be helping out!

I know you don't want conflict but you can be keep it as light as you can.
There have been some great suggestions about what to put in texts. I would be saying something like ' ok, party is all sorted now. Can you tell John thanks for the offer but we will only be doing painting, one activity is quite enough'
Hope the party goes well. It's only another couple of years before it's just cinema and Pizza Hut! It becomes easier then!

Ah, I'd have to politely tell her to fuck off at this point, and her husband: 'I see you mean well and I've tried to assert myself but you haven't listened so could you kindly fuck off and pass the message on to your DH? Thank you. Sorry, it's just that organising parties is stressful enough'
Wtf is wrong with some people?! I'm a single mum of boys too, and this did happen to me once. Once. Some people get the idea you need taking under their wing...by a man. A man, you see, as they are always right.
They can do whatever they want for their own kids' bloody parties.

I don't know why you're worried about offending them when they have absolutely no qualms about offending you. Your so called friend is a hard necked, patronising arse who feels entitled to ride roughshod over you, please don't allow this.

People like her, the ones who make you at their sheer brass neck, they depend on people like you being so constrained by the need to be polite and avoid drama that you just won't challenge them. That's how they get away with it Op!

So if all the advice here still hasn't made you get firm with her then take a minute and picture your little boys crestfallen face when an arsehole adult takes over his much anticipated birthday party .

After that I'd step back from her because while you call her a friend it seems to me that the function you serve in her life is just 'someone to feel superior to'. That's not a friend.

Your friend sounds like a sexist idiot! My son would love a painting party!

Strongly agree,uninvite John and your none friend, they'll take over.
Send a text, keep it short and direct.
'Hi CF, just to say, I have made a firm decision, there will be no football at the party, children only. Please let me know if mini John will be attending.'
Hope your DS has a fabulous birthday OP.

This so called friend of yours has skin so thick you’ll have to tell her in no uncertain terms this plan of hers isn’t happening. Tell her straight. No trying to be nice !

The CFs are trying to turn the party into something for themselves and their son.

They sound like a pair of dickheads! Put your foot down OP, stick up for DS! Let's us know how you get on

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Why worry about offending her, she is not in the east bit worried about offending you?

As I frequently say, once someone has been rude to you, you no longer need to be polite.

I don't even think it would be rude to say 'It's MY SON'S party, we will be doing what he wants to do' anyway!

I'm with the others - who cares if the friend is offended by your refusal to run YOUR son's party to HER son's preferences? It's your wee boy's birthday party - you do what HE wants (within reason) and if it's painting, it's painting.

Tell them no. Tell them NOT to turn up with a football. Tell them you're not prepared to negotiate, or discuss, or even talk about it any more.

It's YOUR son's party, he's asked for a painting session and if that doesn't suit THEIR son then they can take him to the park on his own and he can play football for as long as he wants.

My ds would love getting to paint something to take home. I worry for your carpets but I love the idea.
I think aGMRM needs to model not riding roughshod over women for starters!
I would assume your friend has a child who’s behaviour she can’t control, when there’s no football he'll kick off and she won’t be able to sort it out (because I can’t see why else she would give a shiny shit) so I would text that there will be no football because that’s not been requested by birthday boy and her son can handle it for the duration of the party he’s welcome not to come.
Also the insult to single parents is too much. Not a bloody rare breed that needs special looking after.
What a joke. You’re handling it better than me.

It sounds as though she's worried her son won't sit still for painting. I'd text her saying, 'Thanks for the offer but, on consideration, I don't want GMRM to offer football. It will split the focus of the party. It's my son's party and he wants everyone to join him for painting. He's really looking forward to seeing all the different rockets! I hope your son will join in and enjoy it too.'

My DS' male art teacher made a comment at parents' night about boys not getting involved in art and saying how great it was that DS was arty. I must admit I was surprised that art is yet another topic to have a sex assigned to it

“I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone”

Picture DS face when You let this dickhead take over his party.

Are you still afraid of “causing offence”?

Have they not offended you?

So bloody annoying.

I’d be gracious but FIRM. text if you need to.

Many thanks for your offer, however my son really wants a painting party, and for everyone who comes to join know the painting rather than do something else. It’s his birthday wish so I am going to respect his choice. If your son doesn’t want to come I understand, but it would be nice if he could come. I know you were being helpful and thanks for that. See you soon, let me know if your son still wants to come.

My son is 5 and LOVES painting!! he also loves football! He would be likely to stay and paint if football was going on but many others would go and play football and it would ruin your sons plans. Do not let them spoil your sons birthday. The kids will enjoy painting. and if they don't they can entertain themselves without derailing the whole party.

This is a perfect example of the insidious nature of toxic masculinity.

'Boys play football and girls paint' really?!

Good for you for respecting your sons choices and letting him be who he is. I feel slightly sorry for johns kids if they are only encouraged to do gendered activities.

It seems that your friend has taken it upon herself to "help you out" but sadly she hasn't been listening just going with what she thinks is right. You need to speak with her , explain that your DS is super excited about the painting activity you have arranged for him and his friends and coupled with the weather and how messy and cold the kids would get outside, this is the best solution. Add, that had your DS been a summer baby blah de blah then you would have taken her up on the offer. I would lay money that you friends DH will breathe a sigh of relief when he doesn't have to be the "footy man".

OP Just repeat x 1000 times It's my son's party. He doesn't want football. The End. On a side note girls play football and enjoy sport.

I think you need to be firm with her, and if that involves being a bit rude, so be it. The kids are 4, not 14. They'll love a painting party. She's being a twat. I say that as a mum of four.

Your party plans sound lovely and very appropriately organised too.

My son had a piano shaped birthday cake age 6 - one of the sportiest boys in his class saw it and immediately pretended to play it.

As for "pamper party" - I would have said sorry no I won't let my daughter attend a party like that! At age 5 or 6 or 9.

Oh my word... the party sounds wonderful! My boys would love this! (minus the football)

Your friend is a bit of an idiot and also pretty arrogant. IME most children of that age enjoy painting. I’ve organised stalls at school fairs etc where children paint little models for a small fee and I’ve not noticed a gender imbalance in the take up.

God knows how you will get round this though as she seems to have the hide of a rhino. Good luck.

Bit of a derailment but I am so sad that so many people can't think of any female artists. There are some wonderful female painters and it is sad that so many talented women still don't get the recognition they deserve

It is sad, yes. I could name you half a dozen female artists who live near me, some of whom I'm friends with. But naming more widely recognised female artists is more difficult. There is Lucy Kemp Welch whose artwork I absolutely love - look out for her Black Beauty illustrations.

Sorry if I've missed it, but what's John like? Is he also being steamrollered by his wife? If so, I'd go straight to him and say you really don't want this activity. Or maybe there is middle ground - if some of the kids don't want to paint or are being a nuisance and distracting the others, he can be on standby to remove them for a kickabout (without announcing it as a rival activity).

Your friends not only rude but quite dim.

If she brings up the 'boys don't do painting' argument please ask her to name 5 famous painters. I bet they will all be male! I am fairly into art and I struggled to quickly name 4 famous female 'painters'!

How rude of your friend. i would just say 'thinking it over, I think we'll pass on the football. DS especially wanted a painting party so that's what we'll be doing.'

I can guarantee it won;t be a flop - I've done loads of things organizing craft/art sessions for kids - they are equally popular with girls and boys alike.

Also having seen 'helpful' men take over events, I think it is quite likely helpful husband will cajole boys into takin part in the football when they would actually rather be doing the painting. he may even make disparaging remarks about the painting so kids feel forced into doing the football (believe me I have seen this happen quite often).

Stick to your guns - it's your DS's day, he's excited about the painting, it's his birthday and you are arranging the party he wants. Don;t let these people bulldozer you into changing your plans.