to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

Thanks so much for the support.

And sorry for making a mountain out of what is probably a molehill! “family friend delivered late birthday present and fixed a fence”

We’re at my parents house now. Son is asleep (it’s night here) and I’m wondering whether I’ve been a complete ninny (and worried people for no reason - sorry).

My judgment might have been a bit off because he still had his gun on. I have a bit of a phobia of guns. As a child a friend was accidentally killed by one and I always feel shaky and nervy around them.

John knows this! I even asked him to put in his car! If I had a friend who was scared of dogs I would not show up with a great big Rottweiler! He has no social awareness or basic manners whatsoever

There is something seriously weird about this bloke.

Bog standard rules, always carry your gun, never leave it in the car. Why the hell did he come round and fix a fence whilst on duty? Make it clear to Jane that he is not to come round again. This is all a bit weird.

Just for girls?!!!

Monet, Rembrandt and Picasso’s parents didn’t think so?

Make it clear to Jane that he is not to come round again.

No. Don't involve Jane in this. She's probably struggling with him already, and is not responsible for his behaviour.

Make it clear to him that he's not to come round again. Tell him in writing if possible. And then next time he does come round don't let him in, and phone the police and tell them he's intimidating you.

He knew you don't like guns but came round wearing his gun. You told him you didn't want him to fix the fence, but he did it anyway. He is purposely stomping all over your boundaries because you wouldn't let him ruin your son's birthday party. He's a nasty piece of work.

Your not making a mountain out of a molehill.

Don’t bring your gun to my house- he ignored you.
Don’t fix that fence I’ve hired someone- he ignored you.

Where does it stop? At what point does he respect what your saying?

I think you need to stop downplaying your concerns about him.

He's just letting you know he can do whatever he wants.
You need to cut ties with these people , he's dangerous.

He's showing that no matter what anyone says, he will do as he pleases.

He's a controlling bully.

There are more red flags in this than in a cupboard of bunting.

He sounds like a controlling man who uses his "nice guy" mask to maintain that control. He has no respect at all for your boundaries and has you questioning your own judgement.

You are right to be alarmed. He came in with his gun to show you he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Consider yourself put in your place little woman.

Distance yourself. Ok so that's what he wants. So what? Protect yourself and your child first. I am probably the world's most difficult woman but even I wouldn't get into risking myself to rescue Jane who has shown no sign of wanting to be rescued.

Yuk yuk this has given me such a horrible feeling inside. He's totally reasserting his dominance by seeming to do a nice thing and then crushing all your boundaries in the process. He's like a steam roller.

Trust yourself OP, if it feels off it most likely is off.

Horrible he's in the police too.

This is not a lack of social awareness. This is a very carefully thought out action to make a point to you. People have talked about him punishing Jane and they are right and he is now punishing you for the party rebuttal, and trying to show you that he has the power and the control. And sadly he is typical of other police I have known, who have found an official outlet for their personality defects. Vile man.

Op this man is 100% a dangerous bully.

Hes no respect for anybody you or Jane. I'd report him for not leaving your house when asked.
He's doing things under the guise of being 'nice' but actually its very worrying that he can say he did you a favour. Next time it might not be the garden he wants into.

Don't drop your guard. Your not making mountains out of mole hills.
I think I'd be tempted to distance myself from them both. But tell Jane you'll be there if / when she decides its time to leave him.

I'm another whos came across very vile police officers. The mother ex-cop was abusing the daughter in every way imaginable the father still a cop turned a blind eye to the sexual & physical and joined in with the emotional abuse.

Bloody hell! This has taken a disturbing turn. This creep sounds dangerous. Report him to the police - even if he is high up in the force (are you sure he is or is this BS he feeds people?) there will be someone higher up than he is. How easy is it for you to get legal advice about restraining orders where you are OP?

Don't ignore your instincts - he's potentially a dangerous man.

I would also say stay away from Jane. If she wants out she has to ask for help. And that help should preferably not come from a lone woman- her husband sounds awful.

@ColdAndSad is right, I think. Don't involve Jane. You don't have to open your door to him. You can tell him no, go away, you don't want him in your house. It's going to ruin your friendship with Jane and this may be what he wants. I think it's a shame, but I don't think you want this creep in your life.

Thank you @ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse

I was in the front garden doing some weeding, Ben (ds) was with me.

John was suddenly there, he had a present for Ben.

I was very taken aback. now that I’m not taking Ben for play dates at their house, I didn’t think there would be any reason to see him for a good long time.

Ben came and stood behind me, he’s quite shy of John. I just put my hand on his head to reassure him.

I wasn’t sure about the present (it was just from John - not the family - and supposed to be “secret”) given that i’m trying to establish this boundary.

But I also wanted to keep the peace and not cause an awkward scene in front of Ben.

So eventually Ben emerged from behind me and took the present and unwrapped it, well he totally loved it.

It was a very kind and thoughtful gift and I told John that. I thanked him and Ben did too. He wanted me to take a photo which he only does when he really loves something.

if John and his gun had then gone on their merry way - no drama! But no he insisted on going round to the back (despite me saying no repeatedly) and for all I know is still there.

maybe the fence started out as an attempted olive branch? But I physically tried to stop him going through the side gate but he pushed past me .

So I think everyone saying it’s about control and boundaries is right.

I’m wondering now, was it supposed to be an ol

Play it the other way
You go round to John’s house. You know his wife is away and he can’t cook
You offer to cook him something
He says no
You say honestly I am happy to
He says no, my friend is coming over later to cook for me
You push past and insist on cooking him a meal.

Would that behaviour be reasonable?

He's still bloody there?! shit OP, this isn't right at all. Do you have anyone you can call to come round and back you up? I'd say you need to go back there and say "I do not want you to fix the fence. I want you to leave" but I don't want you to have to do that by yourself

Incidentally, was the thoughtful gift a gender stereotyped one?

Jesus wept! That is seriously concerning. I don't think it was an olive branch, I think it was a ploy.
You were right to be worried. Don't let him onto your property again.

This is utterly unacceptable if only for one reason: it is YOUR son's party.

Who the hell cares if she is a "more experienced mum"? What does that even mean or matter? You are clearly more in tune with and considerate of your DS's passions than she could ever be with her children.

I think you need to VERY firmly put your foot down and if she is worried about her son enjoying painting and wanting to flit off to drama school when he's older, he doesn't have to attend. That would be a shame though, as it sounds like he'd miss out on a fab party that all the kids will be talking about!

The gift was a secret just from him? Seriously dodgy. He's grooming you and your ds.