to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

My husband has never checked my phone. He doesn’t know the passcode and doesn’t want to. I know the passcode to his so I can open and read messages while he is driving but I wouldn’t go through it. Same with post. We leave open letters lying around knowing that the other won’t snoop.

It sounds like Jane has probably lived with this for long enough to think that this kind of behaviour is normal.

Oh no. So far, 3/3 mumsnetters' husbands do not "check their phones at all, let alone "daily or at least weekly."

I was a bit about this "nine out of ten" statistic. I've never had (and certainly not wanted) that in my own relationships - but I'm not married and Jane is.

Another one here whose DH doesn't check their phone. I've never heard of anyone doing that.

Does she get to check his phone daily or weekly? Sounds like theres some projection going on here if he feels the need to check so much.

I'm glad the party went well. My DS would have loved a painting party at that age.

Btw, my DH never checks my phone and I don't check his, we trust and respect each other.

@Miscible maybe I've been a bit obtuse but it never crossed my mind... We lived in different cities, so for ages it was just email (and later Facebook) and they seemed besotted by each other. I did find it slightly odd how inseparable they seemed - he even came on a hen's night (much to the bride's horror).

no she doesn't check his phone, as she doesn't feel the need. "But if I wanted to I know he wouldn't mind and would give me his passwords."

Because he has synced her phone to his iPad he doesn't need to "check" her phone, her messages (sent and received) will pop up on his device in real time. I'm not sure if I should let her know that (although how would I even raise it?) or just stay well away.

I wonder if John is looking to engineer the end of your friendship.

It is a Red Flag tho, OP - the 'not leaving her alone' out with friends. It's a way of isolating her. She might not recognise it as such, and some women go along with it because it's 'sweet', and 'proves how much he loves her' and suchlike crap.

The checking of her phone at all is also a Red Flag.

She sounds like she is being controlled, without even realising it.

Sounds like a toxic relationship to me.

My DH looks at my phone... if it beeps he’ll call out “you’ve got a message / WhatsApp etc” and I generally say “what does it say”. He knows my passcode and sometimes even uses my phone because his is a pain to get into with multi level security (work phone) and needs a code generator thingy. BUT I am happy for him to do it and he doesn’t interfere in my friendships.

Came on a hen night WTF

Checking phones is not normal. The alarm bells were ringing now it's a full on siren. He's truly controlling not allowing her any freedom. A tactic of abusers is to isolate their victim. Actually I am starting to get quite worried about her.

A bit of me says distance yourself but thats probably exactly what he wants. You are a threat in that you are a successful single mum, more than capable of showing Jane she can stand alone too.

I think the hidden agenda is trying to prove to / convince Jane that women cannot raise boys alone they need "man" help.

Well done you standing up to them both. Its probably left Jane a bit bewildered.

DH has never "checked" my phone. Nor me his.
Their relationship is very clearly not healthy. The hen night thing is utterly ridiculous.

Where did she get that statistic from? From John perhaps?

Tbh I think it’s more prevalent for women to check their husbands’ phones, you only have to look at the relationships boards for that one, but to do so as a regular thing is certainly not normal and shouldn’t be seen to be.

My eXH used to check my phone, among other things...... need I say more.....? My DP knows my passcode as does my DS but if dp were checking my phone as a regular thing I’d want to know why.

And even if he was I’d be more afraid that he’d find out how much time I waste playing mindless games than anything else...

How do you know they are synched if she doesn't?

Please talk to her. The 9/10 bit is utter crap designed to make her toe the line.

John told a (male) friend of his when they were discussing how great their respective new gadgets were. Friend told his wife, who told me

My husband has never checked my phone. We no each other's passwords as we often have something we want to show each other but would never to look in each other's phones with out permission. But then we trust each other.

@AvoidingDM Thank you and I agree, put quite a dampener on the hen's night.. we were younger then, these days someone would have sent him home!

Tell her this then and see if you can get across how dysfunctional her whole relationship is in a way that doesn't completely alienate her. If she does take offence then make sure she knows where you are when she needs you and that he'll be delighted as he's obviously been trying to get her away from you anyway.

My DP doesn't check my phone and vice versa. I only ask who his text is from if it's received before 8am and he tells me.

You can be there to support Jane, but there's nothing you can do. It sounds like this is all completely normal for her. Checking your spouse's phone is NOT normal. John is clearly an arsehole with issues.

I really wouldn't socialise with them anymore and although I wouldn't stop the friendship between the children, I would not encourage or facilitate it.

Him crashing the hen night is also weird. Who does that?!?!?

@SylvanianFrenemies
I wonder if John is looking to engineer the end of your friendship.

Yes Jane has lost a lot friends over "misunderstandings" and now I wonder whether they related to John. She does have friends through her kids' schools though (full time mum very active at school). Part of me feels I would be letting John "win" if I distanced myself. But I feel a bit "on edge" after all the birthday party drama!

He sounds controlling and creepy. My dh of many years has never checked my phone, not that there's anything on there. Can you talk,to her alone And express your concern ?

I agree with notapizzaeater - can you have coffee with her when John is not around? She needs to understand that checking of phones (and all the other stuff - turning up on a hen night wtf?!) is NOT the stuff of normal relationships.

If he's been 'sent home' from the hen night, you realise she'd have gone with him?