to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

"Are I the only one thinking their marriage might be abusive and controlling? "

Could be-although she did originally try to get another guy involved & gave out Op's number, didn't she?

So glad that the party went well and your ds had a fab time (and his guests and you too!)

But - like others - sounds like your friend has a really abusive relationship that would worry me. Definitely sounds like you need to talk to her on her own...

And as for the facebook page making them sound all loved up as a couple - the phrase methinks he doth protest too much springs to mind - or should it be methinks they doth profess their love too much - would be a red flag that they have to make out to the outside world how wonderful everything is...

OMG I cannot imagine what kind of man would send a text from his wife's phone AS IF IT WAS REALLY FROM THE WIFE without her permission! That is sooooooooooooooo out of order and fucking weird and freaky. He is not an okay person. I would take her out for a drink at some point and see how she really is.

Glad the party went well.
Does sound like Jane has an abusive husband.
Maybe a quiet word and steer her to Mumsnet?

Also show her the Freedom Programme ( google)
She can call Women’s Aid, confidentially.

Well that certainly casts everything in a different light.

I would be even more concerned about ulterior motives on the part of John now. Don't let him near your son.

I would also be concerned for Sam and Lucy, as well as for your friend.

Maybe it's time to sit her down and let her know that you are available with a listening ear any time she wants to talk about her home situation?

• John made a huge effort to shoehorn himself into your DS's party - I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, around children.

I wouldn't trust your friend to be able to stand up to him if your child was in their home and John wanted to do anything with or to him.

John sounds like he's controlling for sure - not only controlling Jane, but he was also trying to control the OP!

Wow, your friend must hold some very traditional notions if she allows her DH to monitor/manipulate her texts and emails.

What he thought and did is completely out of order, controlling and creepy on so many levels. It's all masked in how much he was doing it all for your son.

Anyway, glad your DS had a lovely party! Now breathe and relax, woohoo!

I was a single mum to one Ds.. a cuple of his parties he still mentions ( he is 27 now!) one of them was a 'cooking' party when he was about 7 or 8 , (with mostly boy guests) . Where they 'made' all their own pizzas .. we had the bases and chopped ingredients. and they assembled what they wanted and then we baked them , . Then they all 'made ' their own desserts ( you know cake jelly ice cream squirty cream strawberries other fruit/ sprinkles in the combinations they wanted..) even Ds friends still mention it sometimes . Yes it was a total mess! but he has a summer birthday , we did most of it in the garden,
....and it was followed by paddling pools and water fights..

Not a bloke or a football in sight ..Boys love that sort of stuff..

I'm glad your DS had a good party, but am also concerned for 'jane' whose husband is very clearly an abusive prick. Abusive men are often very noisy about the merits of 'traditional values' ie white men rule the world and must be obeyed: they need to be laughed at and put down at every possible opportunity.

It sounds as if Jane's weird ideas on gender come straight from her husband who no doubt fears his son will now be gay as a result of attending a painting party, and who seems to have massive hang-ups about the lack of a father figure in his childhood.

I would have told her to shove her football up her arse but you sound a lot kinder than me.

I had a similar sort of experience with my friend 'kindly' organising a hen do for me after I specifically said I did not want one.
I took her out for lunch and explained to her that as much as I appreciated the kindness, the idea of this activity was making me feel really anxious and I was just too busy for unknowns at the minute.
Maybe try a similar thing but tell her you want this to be all about your son and he is upset about the football?

@grimupnorth1 - the thread has moved on...the party has been and gone....perhaps read the whole thread before posting?

Really feeling sorry for your friend now. It does sound like the last text from was John. Classic abuser territory to (a) control her phone (b) try to damage her friendships (c) be wildly self-pitying and announce that they are the victim and (d) have very rigid gender ideas. Obviously he'll be threated by a women successfully parenting without a man's guidance, because men are clearly the source of all authority.

Your friend may have started the whole thing with her own weird gender ideas (was she always like this or has she been sucked into this way of thinking by John) but I think he's the real bad guy here.

Shit. That sounds like abuse to me.

So glad the party went well for you! Sounds like Jane has some pretty fixed ideas on gender but I'm glad she didn't turn out to be quite as bonkers as that email suggested! Sounds like you'll have to tread very carefully around mad John.

Thanks for the replies, you have given me a lot to think about.

Jane says “nine out of ten” husbands check their wives’ phones daily or at least weekly, and there is nothing sinister about it.

I’ve now been told that John does not even need to “check” his wife’s phone – her i-phone is “synced up” to his i-pad (or vice versa?) so all her messages appear on his device in real time. I’m not sure Jane is aware of that… I know she was anxious about John seeing her messages over the weekend, but that was when he had physical possession of her phone.

But how do you tell if a woman is (a) experiencing controlling behaviour from her husband and needs support or (b) shares her husband’s traditional views, and enables and defends his controlling behaviour?

It doesn't seem as clear cut as I thought!

To answer someone’s question – she was more independent when younger. We met while we were both travelling overseas alone, and now she can’t bear to be away from John even for lunch or coffee with a friend. They are totally joined at the hip - but she seems to want or need this as much as him.

If not for the children involved, I would be inclined to distance myself from both John and Jane. They made my son's birthday party all about them - and showed a real lack of respect for me and my parenting.

But I love their kids (as does my son), especially my goddaughter - so I don’t want to disappear from their lives.

My husband certainly doesn’t check my phone. I don’t check his either. Jane is talking rubbish to justify her creepy relationship dynamic.

I don’t know what the score is there...doesn’t sound very healthy though.

Poor Jane. She's abused and deluded. My dh never checks my phone. Why would he? He takes long enough to check his own phone!

No checking here either...

Is it that Jane really can't bear to be away from John for a coffee or lunch with a friend, or that she's worried or scared about how he'll react if she is?

As others have said, she is being a dick. I think although it's hard you need to be strong and adamant you don't want his help.