to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

I'd reply:
The fact that you and your husband are so inadequate as parents and as human beings that you have to try to spoil a little boy's birthday party is not my problem. Your kids are welcome to attend my kid's party, but you are not.

I bet this bitch has been bullying you and putting you down throughout your 'friendship', and it's only really become clear to you what a failure she is now you have your DS to protect. Abusive losers like her are often good at being 'kind' a fair bit of the time, because it feeds their image of themselves as Wonderful People who Always Know Best, but anything less than slobbering gratitude from the recipient leads to tantrums. You're better off without her.

Red eye, you can get bath paints that also work in a shower cubicle.

If he turns up just say ' it's painting party! No football' And if she says anything just say ' it's a painting party. Have a large slice of cake and relax'

They can take home their artwork and ' mummy can display it downstairs in pride of place! Can't you mummy? :) '

Crikey she really thinks she is better than you, doesnt she?! Seriously who the hell does she think she is? I’ll tell you who I think she is - an incredibly rude, patronising, overbearing bitch who thinks she knows best (but really really doesnt - what 3/4 year old doesnt like painting?)

My ds is 10, loathes football and loves DT and art.

I like UnderMajor’s response.

Thanks so much for all the great replies which are a big help. sorry not to respond more individually, just doing battle with a recalcitrant cardboard rocket and wondering where on earth I stashed all the party bag loot!

One more development in the Saga of the Plaster Rocket (all this drama over a 9 minute party activity, honestly!).

Just when I’d finally stopped mulling over it all, I received an email from “Jane”, totally mortified and embarrassed, saying she didn’t send the Narky text and apologising profusely. John sent it (but from her phone) and she only saw it afterwards and is utterly mortified and very sorry.

I have to say that Narky Text reads very oddly in the context of her usual texts. Eg, she never says “Mother/Father” (just mum/dad) and usually puts smileys and “xox” even on the briefest text.

The whole tone, style and even grammar looks frankly weird coming from her, now that I look at it and compare to her usual.

On the other hand John has my no and surely if he felt as strongly as he apparently does, could have texted from his own phone? And the Narky Text really does read as coming from wife of John - NOT John himself.

Anyway, I can’t really do anything more before the party now. Jane asked me please not reply to the email and not to text, as John has her phone. she needs to delete the email after sending it but if I reply, John might see not only my reply but also what Jane said in her email to me.

To be honest I thought “John” was just annoying and weird, but he’s starting to sound frankly scary. i’m wondering if I should delete this thread, what if he saw it? He would have to recognise himself.

“John has my phone number” that should read.

OK, he sounds weird and controlling. Can you talk to Jane about this at the party tomorrow? Her worry about him seeing what she sent sends massive red flags through my mind. I hope she is OK.

Read this with my mouth open.

So, either John is a controlling weirdo who wants to organise someone else's kid's birthday party and polices his wife's emails and texts, or your friend has realised she has overstepped, but instead of apologising is playing bizarre mind games with you. I guess you will know which is more likely.

So sorry you are having all this weird hassle over a children's birthday party!

Eew. That's a bit of a creepy update. He sounds as though he's controlling and a bit of a bully towards her. I hope she comes to the party without him and you can have a chat about it a bit if you get a moment.

I know what you mean re deleting the thread, but part of me thinks it might do him good to read it. (If you do read it John, get some therapy!)

That's either a REALLY weird cover-up, or she's telling the truth.... either way it's very odd. Hopefully you'll get a chance to talk to her tomorrow op!

Hmmm ..they both sound like hard work. Sounds like they deserve each other tbh. Probs Jane sent the message and thought better of it. Weird as they both are she may even have disguised it s a txt from John !

However, as long as they did get it into their heads that there’s going to be no football it doesn’t matter.
I would be very wary of the pair of them in future. They sound bizarre.
Hope tomorrow goes well and ds has a great party.

Hmmmmmm - she could be massively back-pedalling purely because you haven't responded - she might have been expecting an "Oh I'm so sorry, of course John is welcome" response and didn't get one (well done on that).

Or she could be right and he wrote it. But he wanted it to sound like it came from her because otherwise it might have looked like he was trying to bully you (which he was).

Either way, weird weird weird.

Glad you didn't respond now - see how it goes at the party and if she tries to apologise again, accept it, and let things go for now - but be aware that at least ONE of that couple thinks you are an incapable parent, which is why they are trying to take over and run your life for you (giving your phone number to randoms, telling you how to do your own child's party). Make sure you show them that you are a perfectly capable mother, and the best mother for Ben.

xx

That's really creepy. Don't get sucked into their drama. Just leave it for now.

If you get a chance after the party, I'd pull your friend aside for a chat and see if she is doing ok.

They discussed what she was going to write. He pressed send before she had agreed (added emojis). She regrets it and knows she’s gone too far.

Yep I think it was sent in the heat of the moment from her but with help from him wording it and now she's realised they're just utter cunts for saying all that.

Or........Jane or her husband are MNrs and have recognised themselves.

Yep, she’s back pedalling. Wonder what else she’ll come up with?

You might get a better idea of where the truth lies when you see your friend face to face. But be prepared, if what she says is 100% true then she may well need your support if he’s a controlling wankbadger

Don't let her gaslight you - remember SHE was the one pushing you to do football and arranging for John to 'help'......some things you just can't back pedal from or blame on someone else.

As for him having her phone - yea right.
He just 'happened' to open her email right after you'd sent the message?
Then chose to text instead of email the response?
Chose to leave a trail of his activity?

Bollocks! I've heard more thought out bullshit from children!

You want to know if it came from your friend or John. You quoted “would of” then talk about her tone, grammar and style. If she never uses “would of” I’d trust she didn’t send it tbh. Its a classic grammatical error people either make or don’t.

I agree with a pp, who said you are discussed in their household. If he’s a controlling nutter he won’t be talking about you favourably. I’d wait to see what she says to you. Hopefully John will piss off home and you can have a chat with her at / after the party.

He sounds like a manipulative bunny boiler!

Back-pedalling for sure!

Odd old business. As others have said either he’s a controlling nutjob or she’s back pedalling. She did push it though in person and give out your number. Perhaps she’s on here and had a bit of a wake up and smell the coffee moment. 👋🏻

I'd lean towards the view that what friend says is probably true. You mention the fact that the grammar isn't typical of your friend, and based on what you've quoted the grammar is certainly pretty terrible. If your friend's grammar is normally OK, it's pretty clear that she didn't send the text.

So you probably need to meet up with your friend once the dust settles and let her talk about what the hell is going on with John, because it really does sound quite worrying.

John is a massive Creep.

Forgetting all the drama from your friend. I hope your son has a fabulous party today.