to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

What a horrible woman! I would be so angry at that too - not only has she tried to bully her way into taking over your son's party but she is also trying to make out that you are a bad mother too!

To hell with her! My boys have a great father figure and you know what - they like to draw, paint, dance and they even love horse riding. They also like football, digging for worms and slugs and hitting each other with sticks.

She is seriously limiting her children by forcing them into her own narrow minded sterotypes and being a nasty controlling cow as well. She is the bad parent here not you. How dare she!

Enjoy the party.

Tell your friend to throw John a football party for his next bday.

They both sound very fucked up.

she's mental. Send this:
"omg, dear friend, I didn't know John had suffered so much growing up having never had a proper boys' party. I wish you'd told me about this terrible tragedy! I insist we throw John a proper 'men's' party to make up for it. 3 hours of solid football, followed by beer kegs, lapdancers and drunken vandalism (I assume he's a real man after all despite his lack of football parties as a kid?)
I'll get onto the local strip club, you start stocking up on Stella. My racist grandad can step in to be the male role model."

I agree.

“Thanks for providing insight into your thinking on the football issue...perhaps John would appreciate a football party for his next birthday? DS prefers and has asked for a painting activity so that’s what’s happening at his party. Of course John is welcome...I just don’t need him to organise football, that’s all. Look forward to seeing you!”

I think you need to reply op because as it stands John apparently isn’t wanted at the party so there is obviously going to be an awkward atmosphere.
If you want to keep the things civil for tomorrow text something like ‘Of course John is welcome but Ben has been very clear that he wants painting and not football at his party and as you’ve said it is his day so should be his choice. At least you know what kind of party to organise for John on his birthday! Or something similarly lighthearted.
But I really don’t think there is any getting over the nasty message she sent you. Since your kids aren’t old enough to get together alone I would be severely stepping back from the friendship. Your child will make other nice friends with less batshit parents.

I love veronicas idea about a stripper party for John. Do it!

Wow! this woman is really pushing it....

My DS is 14.5 and hates football. He prefers martial arts, and is comfortable in his own skin. So no, not all boys like football. And not all girls like girly stuff, I rarely do.

Hope your ds had a lovely party, i offered my youngest ds a painting party, I knew he'd have liked it but he was too shy in the end to have any sort of party.

I'd not engage with your daft friend. Her husband is projecting massively. If you are confident your son would like that activity then it's none of their business and I feel sorry for any of their sons that may not fit into their idea of what boys like/should do.

Certainly football would have been far removed from my sons' idea of fun

My son & a couple of his friends used to play football with a local team, but still didn't want it as part of their bday parties.

This is nothing to do with you, your DS or the party.

They have convinced themselves of their parenting fabulousness and are determined to control events to conform to a need in them/their relationship. They do not want you to succeed, they want you in their thrall.

Oh QuertyLou Friend my Arse!

That women and her OH sound bloody awful!

You need to stop taking her shit and her OH's crap as well.

I've raised 5DC and over the years I had a few of my Nieces and Nephews living with me and what she's been telling you is a load of crap!

I have 3DS's and 2 DD's and 2 of my DS's are amazing artists and me and my DH are blown away by the pictures that they can produce and just incase you want to show your mate how off the wall her thinking is they're both straight!

Just to blow your friends mind a little bit more someone I'm close to is an amazing football player and he's very openly gay!

From what you've said I feel really sorry for your friend's DD,fancy giving her a pamper party when she's a little girl that loves nature and getting muddy,she must have been so disappointed,please don't let your friends bias and bullshit make you doubt yourself or how well your doing as a Mother because your friend is wrong!

Well done OP, you're clearly a great mum for giving your son his dream party, he'll have a blast! For what it's worth your "friend" sounds unhinged, a control freak, rude, patronising, judgemental, but mainly just a bit thick!! What kind d of idiot equates not having a football party with being a crap parent, which is basically what she's saying. As for all that irrelevant crap about John's childhood, bizarre!!

If I was you I'd be polite tomorrow and then back away from this friendship, she's not a good friend

You seem like a really nice woman, im shocked at your friend trying to take over your sons party my younger boys went to a football party & they hated it ,diddnt take part ,a painting party is much more fun & a amazing idea. Your friend is a bully.glad u stood your ground its your child & its what he wants.she can have a football party for her own child,she seems so rude.dont let her spoil the birthday party xx

Anyone else wondering how much john’s son actually wanted a football party (vs a karate party or a painting party or a yoga party or a planting party or a cupcake party or anything else...) and how much he was told that he was having one ‘because that’s what proper little boys want and have’...

And now you have come along with a boys party that doesn’t involve football and suddenly she is feeling vulnerable because her son is saying now he wants a painting party and he’s not following the path that she thinks he should, worse he is following the path of a friend - he shouldn’t be thinking for himself, he should do what he is told. And you need to be brought back into line, not leading her son astray...

She’s scared of you and your influence on your son I reckon...

Well done on disengaging, it's the only productive way, in my experience. As another single (and lone) parent of boys, I've encountered a few men who act as if they're more knowledgeable about what my DSes need and feel entitled to override my decisions. Strangely also catalysed by their female partners, who clearly thought they were superior parents to me. In all three cases, the men were emotional bullies to their own families, and I guess this behaviour was just an extension of their desire to control women. Single mums probably seem like easy (and in their distorted thinking likely grateful) targets of their attention.

Shock horror that boys may like to paint too! Oh the outrage of it all 😂😂

She sounds like hard work!

This woman is utterly, utterly mad and incredibly rude.

Friend and John are batshit.
You are awesome.
Ben's party sounds brilliant.

Enjoy tomorrow.

Your friend is overstepping the mark clearly.

This may be nothing to do with John however. She may have pushed him into agreeing to do the football on the pretext that it's what your son wants & he may not know that your son doesn't want it. He may think this is a nice thing he can do to help his son's friend & there may be no motive beyond that.
The conversations she reports thay had about you & your son are just her say so at this point.

Sorry, I meant to add that I hope your son enjoys his party!

‘I’m sorry j feels like that however he and my son are completely different people and my son has asked for this. J is of course welcome but if he brings his football I will insert it up his arse’

I tried really hard op but that’s as polite as I can get my response to the rudeness.

She really is batshit isn't she! Looking forward to your update about how lovely the party is 😊

OP, don't let people like this woman (I refuse to use the word 'friend') try and put the single parent guilt onto you. I am a single mum to a DS and I don't feel the need to 'replace' his lack of a father with 'man stuff'. You are a strong and loving parent, who is raising a child who is well balanced and you are allowing to explore his own passios, not what people think boys should like.

BTW, I'm the daughter of a man who was sent to football as a boy, refused to play because he might get dirty, and his parents allowed him to go to dancing instead because that is what he wanted. He ended up a champion dancer, a beautiful crafter (loved making his own cards and tapestries), a fantastic father and an amazing man (oh, and completely straight, not that that should matter). Boys don't "need" football, they need to be supported to explore what they love and to find their own paths in lives.

My DS HATES football. He doesn’t care what others think. He rocks.

Stand your ground, your ‘friend’ is a cow.
Hope your DS enjoys his party tomorrow 😃