to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

If they do come, I bet they will pull out a football and start a game anyway, just to prove they were right by getting the boys to abandon their painting.

Not helpful for you, but I LOVE the idea of an arts and craft party, and all the ideas other people are putting up! I think I"ll do that next year for my children's 5th and 7th birthday. They'd both like that better than a pamper, lego or football party.

FWIW, I think your party idea sounds fab.

I never, ever swear at people. I swear a lot, but not at people.

That email, however, would break my rule. My reply would be along the lines of,

' Thanks for your reply. You may drop your son off at the party tomorrow as it's not his fault he has such an annoying pair of patronising bastards for parents, but you two aren't welcome over the doorstep.

For future reference, my child does not need your faux concern, and he's not there for your husband to project his issues onto. If you do drop him off tomorrow, use the child-free time to sort out some counselling for your husband, and leave me and my son the fuck alone in future.'

Just want to send you a big hug, and say “Well done”, OP. You’ve given a masterclass in polite assertiveness.
Don’t waste another moment on these people and their projected issues. Look forward to a lovely party with your son and his friends, knowing that you’ve done the right thing to ensure your child’s enjoyment of the day.
And if this couple go off in a huff, and you never see them again - that would be the perfect end to a great day!

81byerley why should she change anything to make up for someone else's childhood disappointments?? OP is doing what her son wants and that's all that's important.
I hope he has a great party. Don't let them ruin it x

Wow. Can not believe the cheek of this woman.

How dare she insinuate that your son is missing out. It's none of her business. That would be the end of the friendship for me

Thanks everyone what a kind and supportive place it is. Not to mention hilarious - film party 🤣Inviting John to a pamper party - omg his penis would fall off 😆

I would rather she didn’t come now but my son would be really sad if “Lucy and Sam” didn’t come (he couldn’t care less about John whom he doesn’t know from a bar of soap... which makes this even more bizarre).

So as much as I’d love to send one of the excellent draft responses. I think zero further engagement is best for now. I’ve given them too much headspace already!

Now to make the pass the parcel, build the giant cardboard rocket, turn Ben’s ikea kitchen into a Space Shop and make a “Put the Astronaut in the Spaceship@

And yes - really love all the party ideas and insights from everyone.. will be incorporating!

Thanks. You have now made it sound as though I am a shit mother, and J is projecting all his own childhood misery onto me and Ben. I am not his mother, and he is not Ben. I no longer want any of you to come over as I feel that you have tarnished the whole event with your patronising efforts to make me feel as though I can't throw a party for my boy that he will enjoy. Please stay away"

Another vote for this

Have a lovely party! It sounds as though it's going to be fab!

In answer to earlier question - If I don’t send a reply then I think friend plus two kids will come for party.

It would be nice if she didn’t stay - just dropped her two off (who are great mates with mine - which makes this whole thing much harder and sadder).

But any attempt to suggest that might trigger a bad reaction and she might pull the kids from the party. Which would be devastating for all three kids.

what a debacle!

I can't believe the complete lack of self awareness on her part. They are being massively insulting. I

I would distance myself from these people after the party. They clearly don't think too much of you and your ability to effectively parent. Patronising cow. She now thinks you are an ungrateful wretch for turning down her offer!

You can't reason with these people.

Text to CF: 'You are so right. We can't have boys painting, can we. After all, Hitler was an artist, Mussolini liked architecture, Stalin liked his statues and Goering "collected" art. Thank you for the advice. From now on, no art or crafts permitted for males. Because we know where that leads to, always."

I think you'll probably have to accept that as sad as your son will be he can't really remain friends with Lucy and Sam. This isn't going to be the only thing that she does and she's already made it clear she's pissed off you've not listened to her. She'll continue trying to push your son into gender stereotypes like she does with her own kids and eventually he'll either do it and you'll wonder if that's what he really wants or you will get fed up of it and snap at her. By the way I'm a mum of three with two boys and a girl we are all into their own stereotypical stuff but welcome to play with whatever they want. I hate it when people try and force their kids into things

Holy moly! I posted pages and pages ago expecting this was just a forceful woman with the wrong idea. It got crazy since! I wouldn’t know how to deal with that because I’d have to filter what I think and there isn’t a reasonable response other than “stop being weird about football! Stop being weird parenting! Just stop everything!”
I know a couple of blokes who make a big deal about don’t man things with Male children. Thankfully Ds usually rolls his eyes for both of us.
Enjoy the birthday and have a bottle in the fridge for when everyone leaves

Well done - what bizarre, patronising people you had to deal with! My son, and other boys in his class, have enjoyed several ceramic painting parties.

I think I'd take the opportunity to emphasise that you don't need her or J's interventions. You said your son has a great relationship with his Grandad, Uncle and cousins. Will any of them be at the party tomorrow? If so you could send back something along the lines of:

"How sad for J that he never had a father figure, and this has obviously brought up his feelings about that. I feel so lucky that Ben is so close to my Dad and brother, they really are surrogate father figures and Ben's so excited to do painting at his party with his Uncle/Grandad, like you say it's really all about what will make Ben happy. See you tomorrow - Ben's can't wait to see Lucy and Sam"

Anyway, well done for standing up for yourself. You've definitely done nothing wrong, she's obviously just the kind of person who can't stand others disagreeing with her.

Hope 'Ben' (and you) enjoy the party.

Why is 'John' trying to be your son's dad ?!

Gosh! After reading her Batshit rude reply, I went back to reread the OP's email to see what had prompted such a response. And nothing - I cannot see anything wrong with your email, it was friendly and tactful. Clearly her husband has a lot of emotional baggage from his childhood as his mother was nowhere as good at parenting as the OP.

It's been said already, but here it is again.

I spent most of my Primary and Secondary school years painting, and also a bit through Uni.

My penis is intact and functioning. I am fully capable of chopping firewood, digging holes, making love to a woman, drinking beer, and probably killing an animal to drag back to my cave.

If I lived in a cave.

So I'm sure your son will be 100% fine, despite what this woman thinks.

It's a shame, from your history together it sounded like a friendship worth having. I would put it out of your mind for now, get tomorrow done (behave normally) and see what happens. If she behaves tomorrow then next week call/message her and say "oi, wtf was last week all about? You know I love you dearly but you really hurt my feelings. It's lovely of John to be concerned, but Ben is just fine!"

You sound like a great person, @Sethis!

Your party activities sound great fun.