to tell my friend to sod off with her helpful husband!

[QwertyLou]

Thanks for the amazing advice before & this is my last question on this party I promise (its on Sunday so it better be)!!

My son (nearly 4) is going through an arty-crafty stage. He loves painting more than anything. So I wasn't surprised when he announced he wanted to do painting "with my friends for my WHOLE party!"

So we're doing some painting at his party (15 mins or so), along with lots of other fun things. Just little plaster rockets and spaceships, one for each child to paint and they take it home.

When I mentioned this to a friend she made a horrified face... "Painting... for boys??" And recommended I scrap it for a football session, perhaps with the man from her son's party.

I hadn't even realised that painting was considered "un-manly" and boys were not supposed to enjoy it... is that a thing?

My son enjoyed the football session, but not enough to want the same thing. Plus it was an hour-long session - I'd have to scrap half the party! Which I explained to my friend.

Unbeknownst to me she gave my no. to Football Man who contacted me, so I explained myself again and thought that was it. But no.

Yesterday my friend announced that she has kindly lined up her husband ("John") to do a football activity "in parallel" with the painting. So her son and other boys can do football while anyone else is painting.

I said that of course John, would be welcome to play football with their son during the painting if they want. No child, boy or girl, will be compelled to paint a plaster rocket against their will! We'll be in the back garden with plenty of things to do.

But I really do not want John to announce an official "Come on kids line up over here!!" activity just as the painting is starting. The whole idea is to bring everyone (or most people) together for a quieter activity they can enjoy as a group - then we'll have the cake.

And my son is really excited about painting with his friends. I keep finding him in the kitchen, gazing longingly up at all the paint stuff. If they all race off to play football, it will defeat the whole purpose [delete](plus I'll be left with a mountain of plaster rockets)[delete].

I explained all this to my friend but she was having none of it.

She said John was more than happy to do it, it would be fun, it was important to let "boys be boys" and she knows it must be hard for me as a single mum to cater for boys, hence her lining up John.

We were both getting our sons into the car after nursery and she drove off after that.

So as it stands, John is "kindly" doing this official activity on Sunday.

I don't want him to, but what do I say to make that clear without offending anyone?

Part of me feels a bit ungrateful too. We single mothers of boys are constantly berated by society to ensure our sons have good male role models (GMRM) or they will turn into anti-social, drug-taking juvenile delinquents.

And lo and behold, here one is - a GMRM - volunteering something!
And am I gratefully accepting? No, I am saying no (trying to)!

I do have a football mad son btw. He’d still be more than happy to paint some rockets with his friends. And if a friend was into art he’d expect that their birthday was going to involve something that THEY like. Similarly he might buy art supplies for a gift rather than a football.
I think it’s probably a lot more about the sons friend not liking art and the ops friend is worried he’ll be a pita rather than being worried the ops son really wants football but has decided for some reason to ask for painting.

This woman is not a friend, OP. She's a manipulative wee witch and you'd be so much better off without her in your life.

Tell her to stay home with John too. The children are welcome but they aren't. Fuck having her sourpuss spoiling the day for your DS.

Good lord, will they Just not LET IT DROP!!

Whatever you do, don't now feel you have to rush the rocket activity, just because you told CF it would only last nine minutes.

If you have access to a printer, maybe you could also print out some rocket or space-themed printables for colouring in (Google 'rocket printables') and leave out crayons, pens etc. This will give those who finish first something to do, and you might even be able to wring out another five/ten minutes of calm play from them!

So sad to see how little empathy or understanding your 'friends' have shown you but that they still think you need to make your son's party about what they think is best and not what your son wants.

When ds2 had his 5th birthday party, I did it at a local gym (gymnastic sort rather than grown up work out sort!) where they were fab, lots of fun on the equipment, people from the gym supervising on the different activities, it was like a massive softplay and more. Everyone had a great time so did it again for his next birthday. Except this time, the helpers weren't that bothered about helping once they had shown everyone what to do and done a couple of party games, and put out a few footballs (not sure if they were asked by one of the kids who had been there before and knew they had them or if they asked if anyone wanted them or if they just got them out anyway). Lots of the kids there loved football and joined in - also loving the fact that ds1 was playing with them (he's 3 years older, plays lots and enjoyed being able to show off ). But ds2 hates football and it was really sad that there were just a couple of people left playing with him on the equipment at his party, particularly as when setting up the party they had asked about football and I'd said no - but then once the balls were out it was really difficult to take them back without causing upset to others, particularly as some of the people supposed to be supervising the equipment had disappeared as no one was using it

So glad to see that you've stuck to your guns and sent a text, your ds will have a fab time painting those rockets. And her ds can paint a football themed rocket if he is so in love with football . Can't believe she is implying that your party with painting is not a proper party along the lines of the non-party her husband had when he was young - that would make me really cross with her!

“I drafted my message to you very carefully to make it clear I appreciated your offer of help and intention as I valued you as a friend. You clearly don’t feel the same way as your message trashed my character, patenting and my child’s chosen party. So I’ll be clearer. You have been over-baring, rude, patronising and controlling. Your attempt to dress that up as any form of consideration for my child is laughable. I’m sorry J has issues with his mum but that has nothing to do with my child or my parenting.

I’d be tempted to send “ben’s party isn’t therapy for John. Try a counsellor”. I wouldn’t send it, but I’d want to

Oh you poor love, what fuckers they are to have sent that!

I'd be so tempted to point out that, yes, you KNOW it's "BEN'S" party and not yours, it's also NOT JOHN'S party. And BEN requested a PAINTING party, not a fucking football party.

You could have a film party with the amount of projection she’s providing.

If friend is likely to turn up and create an awkward atmosphere I’d tell her not to bother x

Mother 🤣

Wow I'm gobsmacked at her reply! You sent a polite text to her and got a mouthful back. Completely OTT. Just be glad that John is not coming to take over the party and enjoy your son's birthday.

Good God, what have I just read?

I'd reply "you misunderstood me, I would love John to attend, of course, but Ben doesn't want a football activity and as it's his party, I'd really prefer not to have one. We look forward to seeing all of you tomorrow".

I know you don't, the cheeky feckin' bitch...but it gives you the moral highground. I think if you don't nip this one in the bud, she'll be asking to adopt Ben as she doesn't think he has proper male role models. Totally overstepping. Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely mum and I hope the party is a huge success

Tell her not to come or J.Advise counselling for J.

UnderMajor's response is excellent

Tell your friend & her DH to go do one

There was nothing wrong with your message, they have chosen to take offence because you've dared speak up and prevent them taking over your DS party!

Seriously, how fucking DARE they make assumptions about your child's needs and upbringing? They are wildly projecting and imo have really overstepped the mark by deciding between themselves that J is needed as a male role model for your child .

I said yesterday qwerty that this woman sees you as someone to feel superior to and honestly, that message confirms it to me. I suspect what you see as 'nice' things she does to help, she sees as sorting things out because to her mind you're not capable without a man . I would ditch her, she cannot be good for your self esteem.

Actually, I'm so incensed for you now, I'd be tempted to write back something like this:
"Thanks. You have now made it sound as though I am a shit mother, and J is projecting all his own childhood misery onto me and Ben. I am not his mother, and he is not Ben.
I no longer want any of you to come over as I feel that you have tarnished the whole event with your patronising efforts to make me feel as though I can't throw a party for my boy that he will enjoy.
Please stay away"

I know you won't send that, but oh I wish you would.

DGS11 has always been football mad (seems like from birth) and hated anything creative, despite us having enough art and craft supplies to fill a shop. However when a friend who has a pottery painting shop gave a party there for her son two years ago DGS was the last at the painting table lovingly painting a pottery Dalek. He loved it!

You could have a film party with the amount of projection she’s providing.
Love it
You could try replying that you've asked Ben and actually he's decided that painting is too macho so he'd rather have a pamper session with his friends & you hope her son will enjoy that, John too if he wants.
Or you could go with one of the polite earlier replies and be the better person (and then step back).

Right, well, you know for sure what kind of person she is now, don't you.

I agree with ken: 'Sorry john felt like that growing up. Ben asked for a painting party so that's what I'm giving him. Nothing personal!' Breezy and brief. Then put it out of your mind and focus on the things that matter.

You've got your message across. Well done. I wouldn't bother answering.

Enjoy the party, it sounds fab.

'If J want's a football party, then he needs to arrange one. J's issues are not my son's'.

Your friend is a contrail freak. You need to tell her no very clearly. And also what a ridiculous view she has of painting. My son loved craft and painting when he was little. As long as you keep them entertained they will all be fine. It's only a couple of hours. If her boys need exercising she can do it before or after the party.

Your party sounds lovely, perfect for 'Ben', and all the children will have a lovely rocket to take home and play with. I wish I was invited, my DD and her little brother would both enjoy this activity.
You're a brilliant mum listening to what your boy wants and fighting his corner to ensure his needs are met rather than allowing railroading.

It sounds as though she's seriously suggesting that your DS's party should be focussed on a therapeutic experience for John rather than on DS's enjoyment. I wonder if he knows that he's trying to hand on his own unhappiness to the next generation?

This. I'd ignore her and give her as little headspace as possible. People like this don't budge. Just slowly disengage and be prepared to tell them all to fuck off and take their football with them if they turn up tomorrow. And DO NOT feel guilty for doing so.