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Original poster

talk me down! dd(14) poss pregnant

680 replies

dawnc27 · 06/11/2018 18:31

just moved dds school bag of the settee and a bit of papers slid out, on it it says a due date, possible names and names of godparents.
now this wouldnt normally phase me as id just think it was teenage rambling EXCEPT..... ive been asking myself when shes next due on, as we have been away for 2 weeks and back now around 10 days and shes not been on during that time which got me thinking back to when i last bought her any pads and tbh i cant remember. im thinking around july time which would tie in with the due date wrote down.
shes out at the moment which may be a good thing as i dont know what the fuck to do now!!
please help me by giving some advice

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 12:42

I’d hoped parenting had moved on since I was a teen but some of you sound just like my mother.

Why because your mother wasn't willing to parent another child and pay for it for you?

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 12:42

If there's no adult who can and will effectively raise their child for them so they can go back to school, the outcomes aren't good

can you give some evidence for that or?

you don't need someone to raise your child while you're at school, you need childcare. Just like working parents do Hmm

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 12:44

Why because your mother wasn't willing to parent another child and pay for it for you?

except that wouldn't happen anyway, would it?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
notgivingin789 · 07/11/2018 12:44

Thanks for sharing your story Georgia.

I too fell pregnant at 15. I'm now 24 and currently in my first year of my Master's degree.

It was hard. Emotionally anyway. It didn't help the fact that DS was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 3.

But I was extremely resilient. I was determined to provide the best for DS. My family, also, were extremely supportive.

I don't want to say too much as I don't want to take away the attention from the OP's thread.

It's been a scary, life-changing, exciting and a sad journey. But I am so happy that DS (8) is in my life.

notgivingin789 · 07/11/2018 12:46

Lastly I can only assume that most posters on this thread don't claim benefits and have little knowledge of the benefit system. There seems to be a lot of assumptions about how she will afford to care for this baby. Even buying second hand it's expensive to keep yourself and a baby.

I know as I have direct experience of it.

2anddone · 07/11/2018 12:52

I don't know if you are reading all of these replies op and I can't say I blame you if you aren't!! I just wanted to say I think you are being amazing...your mind must be all over the place and deep down you must be so scared.
I applaud you for allowing your daughter to make her own decision whatever the outcome and for supporting her in whatever may be decided.
I was 14 when I got pregnant, my parents tricked me into peeing in a pot for the dr as I thought I had a urine infection as was seeing more....I knew I had skipped a period but was waiting to miss the next one before taking a test myself and I hadn't mentioned it to my parents.
I will never forget the day my dad came up to my bedroom showed me the stick and told me I was pregnant. They then forced me into having an abortion privately which they made me pay for out of my savings account! I remember screaming and crying as they took me to surgery and still my dad made me have it done. It took years to get our relationship anywhere near back on track.
My baby which was taken away from me by abortion would have been 25 now and still I think about them and what they may have been like! I miscarried at 23 and blamed myself for having the abortion meaning I couldn't have a baby of my own.
Well done on sticking by your child and letting her make whatever decision she may make 💐

tempester28 · 07/11/2018 12:53

I think that if it were my daughter I would lay out the options for her and explain that time is of the essence in order to keep all options open. I think I would act today if it were my daughter and I would assume she is too frightened to face it all so I would be taking the lead to get a test and find out exactly at what stage the pregnancy is.

cupofteaandcake · 07/11/2018 12:53

Georgia, I'm glad it worked out well for you although you obviously have parents that had/have a lot of resources.

What happened as regards the childs father? Did he contribute, is there contact now?

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 12:55

2anddone I am so sorry to hear that Flowers

dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 12:55

*can you give some evidence for that or?

you don't need someone to raise your child while you're at school, you need childcare. Just like working parents do hmm*

Evidence for what, that having a kid when you're 14 is associated with poor education and income level outcomes? You're equating a child having a child with a working parent, who is an adult? Really?

And benefits are changing now in the UC era. There's a two child limit. Not sure how this works when one of your two children (the OP says she has another two children) has a child but is too young to make a UC claim in her own right. Such a change could also be considered a change in circumstances for the adult parent and they could be transferred onto UC from legacy benefits, depending on the era.

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 12:57

no I am equating a child needing childcare, with an adult needing childcare.

someone else looking after your child during the day while you are elsewhere is NOT someone else bringing up your child, is it?

2anddone · 07/11/2018 12:57

Thank you flamingo I have 2 beautiful dc now but I do still always wonder what life could have been like 💐

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 12:58

so if a 20yo sends their child to nursery 8-6, 5 days a week, its childcare and its fine.

if a 14yo sends their child to nursery 8-4 (School hours) 5 days a week, its someone else bringing up their child.

dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 13:12

A 20-year-old is an adult, flamingo, physiologically, neurologically an adult. A 14-year-old is still a child. There's no comparison. As pointed out, this is why 14-year-olds aren't allowed to buy alcohol or tobacco, drive cars, join the forces, get married, have sex legally, get a tattoo. They are in no way comparable to a 20-year-old. It's unbelievably dense to compare the two Hmm.

Taylor22 · 07/11/2018 13:13

And the childcare needed at the weekend when the parent will be working.

I don't know many formal childcare settings that function on evenings or weekends.

Firstbornunicorn · 07/11/2018 13:15

I think this is a bit out of hand. The OP just wanted support and advice, and is instead being treated to a thread on why she should or shouldn't make her child have an abortion. And we don't even know if the girl is pregnant!!
I think some people need to be a bit more sensitive to the OP's needs.

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 13:18

im not comparing a 14yo and a 20yo physiologically or neurologically though, am I? have you actually bothered reading any of what I have said? or are you just so goady that you're going to carry on with your massive rant about how shit 14yos are regardless?

I am saying whatever age you are, using childcare is not having someone else bring up your child. I am not saying a 20yo and 14yo are the same. I am saying you cannot say a 14yo using childcare is "someone else bringing up their child" unless you apply that to all parents who use childcare.

taylor why would the child definitely be working on a weekend?

Taylor22 · 07/11/2018 13:18

Because they need money :/

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 13:19

they will get benefits of some kind, I don't think id want to force a 14yo with a baby into working all weekend as well as going to school, would you?

BarbarianMum · 07/11/2018 13:21

14 year old mums arent automatically entitled to an 8-4 nursery place flamingos. They are entitled to continue their education in some shape or form but local authorities can do this in several ways - home study with tutor, pupil referral unit, mother and baby unit, part time college. Its not as easy as saying right well I want to do 9 GCSEs, then 3 A levels. Maybe it should be, but right now it isn't.

Does that mean no 14 year old should continue a pregnancy? No, of course not. But its as well to be realistic about how difficult it may be and parental support makes a huge difference to the possibilities. Unfortunately not all parents are able to just to give up work to provide childcare, even should they wish to. Studying with a newborn is not easy either. Plans may need to change and again, its good to take that into account when deciding how to go forward.

minmooch · 07/11/2018 13:22

Best of luck with the chat and test Op. you sound like a brilliant mum doing the best she can for her child.

Although it wouldn't be ideal if she is pregnant or if she wants to continue the pregnancy. But there are worse things that you could all go through.

Your daughter is very lucky to have you on her side.

Taylor22 · 07/11/2018 13:23

Would I tell someone who thought they were old enough to have sex and have a child living under my roof that they had to earn some honest money?

Absolutely

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 13:24

I never said they were, I just said if they did use a nursery place - that does not equate to "someone else bringing up their child" - am I talking a different language?

any education is better than none, if I was pregnant at 14 id be thankful for being able to continue in education whatever form it took to be honest.

im not saying it will be easy, im saying it will be possible. totally different things.

IStandWithPosie · 07/11/2018 13:25

If it was my teen I’d do what I could to make sure they stood the best chance of finishing school with good GCSEs, A levels and if they were that way inclined- university. Education stands them a far better chance of being able to provide for their baby long term. I would want their weekends spent on studying and resting and catching up with their friends. Having a baby at 15 isn’t ideal but you don’t need to be sent down the mines for it. Having supportive parents gives you a far better chance of coping well and achieving what you need to to be an independent, self sufficient adult.

dontalltalkatonce · 07/11/2018 13:33

flamingo, a 14-year-old parent is going to need a lot more than just childcare the way a working adult would, it is not goady to point that out, nor saying all 14-year-olds are shit Hmm, but you seem bent on making it out that it's no big deal for a child this age to have a child and just like an adult doing so, it's not, but by all means carry on.