talk me down! dd(14) poss pregnant

[dawnc27]

just moved dds school bag of the settee and a bit of papers slid out, on it it says a due date, possible names and names of godparents.
now this wouldnt normally phase me as id just think it was teenage rambling EXCEPT..... ive been asking myself when shes next due on, as we have been away for 2 weeks and back now around 10 days and shes not been on during that time which got me thinking back to when i last bought her any pads and tbh i cant remember. im thinking around july time which would tie in with the due date wrote down.
shes out at the moment which may be a good thing as i dont know what the fuck to do now!!
please help me by giving some advice

Christ i'm 23 and I need support too, yeah I get it off dp and vice versa, but if I lost my job / dp / house tomorrow my parents would support me without a shadow of a doubt.

they wouldn't have to, they don't have a spare room, or much spare money but I know full well they'd do everything in the capability to help out.

all parents could do with some support at some point, i'm sure.

i'd rather support my 14 yo than lose my relationship with them.

I hope she's not pregnant. I had a baby at 19 and that was really hard. But then I didn't have supportive parents. But you sound like you are going to support her whatever happens op and I give you credit for that.

WRT money the child’s father’s would he responsible for half the costs. At only 15 I doubt he is legally responsible, not sure if that changes at 16. Would need to investigate. But if she’s is pregnant and having the baby I would arrange to speak with his parents and discuss what support they and he will need to provide both physically and financially.

You can't understand the difference between a 14 year old and a 30 year old being pregnant?

For starters a 14 year old is a child without access to money, even benefits. One would assume generally speaking that an older mum would have some life experience, be more mature and more realistic on the ways of the world. If you go to the Teenagers board people are saying it is very normal/typical for teens to throw hissy fits over the smallest things as their worldview is still (understandably) narrow.

To go back to the Underage series the families all said that the baby affected ALL of them. The child made the decision to keep the baby, but they were all paying the price. Sometimes the pressure made the parents split up, I remember one of the siblings saying she had been forgotten about since the baby was born (and she went on to get pregnant as she felt that would get her under her parents' radar again) The teen mums said it had been much, much harder than they thought and they would never advise it.

Just to add I don't think it is ever a good thing regardless of age to have a baby if you are going to knowingly be very reliant on others to raise the child.

How difficult for you OP, fingers crossed she can prove you wrong!!

You can't understand the difference between a 14 year old and a 30 year old being pregnant?

don't think anyone has said that

One would assume generally speaking that an older mum would have some life experience, be more mature and more realistic on the ways of the world

age does not make you a better mother.

Op, I was in this position and for us, it wasn't good news . I don't want to drag you down at all, but I also asked my dd to take a test and she came out of the bathroom with a negative result on a stick. This was probably because she had run water over it. She needs to tell you if she is, that is the only way forward. She will rightly object if you stand over her taking a pee. I wont say anymore because it is up to you to deal with matters as you see fit because no-one on here knows your dd. I hope that matters turn out well for you and your dd.

"age does not make you a better mother"

Completely agree with this

why are peopke saying op will have to be there to support her as a bad thing.
things happen in life.they can be joyous or devastating.as a parent as soon as you have ur child you soon up to being there whatever happens don't you?and it might be bloody tough.but that what family is.thats what being a mum and dad is.
there aren't rules of when I will opt in or out of supporting them.illness,pregnancy,death,violance so many things could happen that could threaten to cripple a familys framework.but you don't let it.or you work dam hard together for it not to.if you go into it with anger and thinking ur world has ended then it will.
but people do come through so much.and often better for it.sometimes not I know that.but together you can seriously get through so much.
her life could change.but you all then need hope that it could still be great.

age does not make you a better mother

I agree, but generally speaking being older means more resources. I had my first dc before I was 20, so I am speaking from my own experience. I'm not a first time 40 something mum looking down at teen pregnancies. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

age to not make you a better mother

Maybe not but wisdom, patience, experience, common sense, being able to support a child and lots of other things that correlate positively with age do. Which is why the children of teen mums have relatively poor outcomes compared to those of older mothers. The reality is that very few 14 year olds make good parents.

sorry but that's bollocks, not everyone above 30 has any wisdom. Patience has 0 to do with age, its personality and yes some people mellow with age, lots don't.

Again, being able to support a child is not to do with how old you are either, I know plenty of parents older than me who rely on benefits, earn less than me etc etc

obviously a 30yo can earn more than a 14yo but in real life it isn't a given that a 30yo can support a child single handedly. Lots cant.

I had my first dc at 20 as well, so I am also speaking from experience.

I imagine supported 14yos make better parents than those who have nobody because their family think they are an inconvenience.

Maybe not but wisdom, patience, experience, common sense, being able to support a child and lots of other things that correlate positively with age do

Really ? !! You should meet some of the parent's I've met. Though I do agree, for some anyway, being older brings more resources.

I know someone who had her first baby at 14, and you know what, she is a terrible mother. I am not going to sit here and say all pregnant teens will be fantastic mothers given the chance, some people ime aren't cut out for it.

however, that really applies to any age. you could me a multi millionaire, with nannies all the gear, nurseries and more than enough money to bring up a child and still be a shit mother.

equally you can still be a good mother when you haven't 2 pennies to rub together.

I think all this hijacking of this thread isn't helping the op one little bit! Let's stick to subject in hand

OP you said your DD has split up with her BF. This made me wonder if this was when she found out she was pregnant, told him, and he's run a mile.

I see what you are saying flamingo but a 14 year has no access to money at that age without a designated adult collecting benefits on their behalf. They are still children.

There are perhaps many good 14 year old mums who have excellent support from their families, but I still think it is never something that should be encouraged or taken lightly. And yes I do think the support issue needs to be taken into consideration. If my 14 year old got pregnant I would want to support as much as possible, I would love the baby but the impact on my family that a baby would cause shouldn't be underestimated.

Being able to support a child does positively correlate with age, as its related to the ability to work and earn money. Hardly any high flying execs are 14 are they? Equally teens are not noted for their good judgement are they, thats why we dont - for example - let them buy alcohol, take up smoking, have tatoos or drive cars. Or consent to sex either for that matter. The fact that some of them go ahead and do this things rather proves the point.

drums I know she has no access to money, I haven't said she has. but she will be entitled to benefits / grants and whatever else. She wont be entirely reliant on her parents.

I have never said it should be encouraged and actually have said several times on this thread she should be presented with all the facts, without emotion, and decide herself.

yes a baby would have an impact on any family, but really its tough tits unless you want to kick your child out, isn't it. I am not saying it will be the best thing that ever happens to her (though it could be!) but it may not be the end of the world either.

barbarian that's a ridiculous statement, there are a lot of people who make bad decisions regardless of their age. Maybe a 14yo is more likely to do this than a 34 year old, but with support and guidance I don't think there's any reason to assume her life will be a car crash just because of her age.

no of course 14 year olds cant earn money, but that doesn't therefore mean than every 30 year old earns enough to support a child, does it?

I think it's pretty well known that older mothers on the whole are able to offer children a better life as they are more mature and more likely to be financially stable.

This has been researched and there is plenty out there to show the stats.

But you can't compare someone of 20 with a child of 14 anyway.

A 14 yr old is a child. Sure they have periods and can get pregnant, but in our culture compared with 3rd world, underdeveloped countries where life and education are very different, it's not what you'd choose for your daughter.

There is also real evidence that medically, a really young girl's child may have more health risks/ birth risks.

She'll survive if she IS pregnant, the baby will grow up, but both their futures will complicated in ways that will make life quite different and some doors will be closed for this girl, or at least harder to walk through.

Hi OP, I hope it all goes okay with your daughter.

(Sorry if this is long)
I got pregnant at 15. I told my parents at nearly 12 weeks, they were obviously devastated but after a few days they came round. Their initial reaction was what I feared it would be, which is why I waited so long to tell them. Because of this, I'd like to think I would be extra calm and gentle should my DC disclose something like this to me.

But after that, my mum was amazing. Once she understood I would not terminate, she accepted my choice and didn't (at least to me) express any disappointment from there on. I actually think this was the single best thing she did for me at that time.
My mum even allowed herself to become excited at the prospect of her first grandchild, she took me out shopping for baby things and attended all of my appointments. She advocated for me and respected my decisions on what birth I wanted/how I would like to feed the baby etc.

Once my DC was born, she (and my dad) paid for everything and my mum cared for my baby whilst I went to school (Year 11). All I was expected to do was to go to school and then come home and look after my baby. Mum took care of most of the housework.

Looking back I can see how fantastic she really was and how it enabled me to bond with my son and achieve great GCSE results. I then went on to sixth form with my peers (DC attended a creche - under 19s get free childcare) and then I moved out of my parents home with my DC as I went to University (if you had a child, the loan company did not look at your parents income for grants/loans etc.).

I am now nearly 30 years old and my son is 14, I have a good job, I am married to a lovely man and we have two more children. My son is a wonderful boy and my mum loves him like her own.

I just wanted to share my story to give you some hope. It certainly isn't an ideal situation, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Life can be what you make it

All the information available on the development of the brain, especially through adolescence, shows why having a baby at 14 is not good idea. I agree many adults don't make good parents but they will have more chance of being a good parent than a 14 year old who doesn't have the capacity to understand the implications.

No-one is saying that supporting her is a bad thing, I think everyone is acknowledging that supporting her is imperative. However I do think that some hard truths will be needed if she is pregant, otherwise how can she make a decision on how to go forward?

Lastly I can only assume that most posters on this thread don't claim benefits and have little knowledge of the benefit system. There seems to be a lot of assumptions about how she will afford to care for this baby. Even buying second hand it's expensive to keep yourself and a baby.

I had an abortion decades ago when I was 17.
My mother hasn’t a clue to this day. She would have made everything worse.

The lack of adult support meant I left it much later than I should have done, had to hide my recovery so couldn’t look after myself as well as I should have, and had to go through the whole process alone.

Those PPs who are frothing about the OP’s liberal parenting and boasting about their authoritarian approach ought to be ashamed of themselves.

This could be a dreadful situation for a woman and her young daughter. Encouraging her to bully her teen and shut down communication at a time like this is unconscionable.

I’d hoped parenting had moved on since I was a teen but some of you sound just like my mother.
OP, I’d have been so lucky to have a mother like you.

FFS, a 14-year-old is in no way comparable to a 19-year-old, that's a child, that's why they can't vote, leave school, join the forces, get married or even claim benefits in their own right. If there's no adult who can and will effectively raise their child for them so they can go back to school, the outcomes aren't good.