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Original poster

talk me down! dd(14) poss pregnant

680 replies

dawnc27 · 06/11/2018 18:31

just moved dds school bag of the settee and a bit of papers slid out, on it it says a due date, possible names and names of godparents.
now this wouldnt normally phase me as id just think it was teenage rambling EXCEPT..... ive been asking myself when shes next due on, as we have been away for 2 weeks and back now around 10 days and shes not been on during that time which got me thinking back to when i last bought her any pads and tbh i cant remember. im thinking around july time which would tie in with the due date wrote down.
shes out at the moment which may be a good thing as i dont know what the fuck to do now!!
please help me by giving some advice

OP posts:
notgivingin789 · 07/11/2018 10:34

@flamingofridays she will be in school 8-3 so hypothetically a child would have to be in childcare 7-4 Monday to Friday. I know people who've used that and their nursery bill is close to £1K

Taylor22 Your wrong. Anyone who has had a child under the age of 17..or 20 (I forgot) and want to continue on with their education are entitled to the care2learn grant. This will help fund towards nursery/ childcare fees.

www.gov.uk/care-to-learn

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 10:34

and taylor you clearly did have unprotected sex if you have a 14yo. That 14 yo is still your responsibility pregnant or not. The baby isn't, but the 14yo is.

Passmetheproseccoplease · 07/11/2018 10:36

@Taylor22, unpleasant, unnecessary and goady posts there 🤬

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Taylor22 · 07/11/2018 10:39

I would bet money that the child hasn't looked into any of those things. So that again would be her responsibility.

I wouldn't shout. There would literally be no point. It's done. Nothing can change that.

I would provide a roof. I would tell my child they can obviously still eat, use electricity, water etc. As SHE is my responsibility.

The child she births however is hers. And while I would of course provide it with a roof and food at the table etc the rest is down to her.

DistanceCall · 07/11/2018 10:40

The OP already has several children with SENs and takes care of another relative.

It's not cruel to point out that if her daughter is pregnant and decides to keep the child, life will be much, much tougher than she expects. It's realistic.

JellycatElfie · 07/11/2018 10:41

Goodness Shock some people are terribly over involved and over invested in this thread. It’s a shame because so many are supportive and then there’s the odd nutty post forcing views on the OP! What on earth is your problem Hmm

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 10:44

taylor she's 14 of course she hasn't fucking looked into it. She's probably terrified if she thinks she's pregnant.

Would you not want to help your pregnant 14yo access this information? Yeah, you don't have to, but why the fuck wouldn't you?

Yes, the child is her responsibility and I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested its not. But why you wouldn't help your own pregnant child apply for grants and what not is beyond me.

ridiculous.

And yea distance I would be being realistic, I would tell her parenting is hard work, you miss out and your life will bever be the same, but I wouldn't push her into termination because her baby inconvenienced my life.

a lot of posters on here have just shown they'd be more bothered about themselves than their own child.

notgivingin789 · 07/11/2018 10:48

I would bet money that the child hasn't looked into any of those things. So that again would be her responsibility.

If someone wants to continue on with their education, they will research their options. If that fails, depending on your local authority..some hospitals/ clinics, automatically refer teen parents to an outreach key worker (who has experience of supporting young parents). The Outreach worker will discuss options (childcare, money, housing, education etc) with the young parent. They will accompany the parent....put her onto life-skills courses (cooking, feeding...) etc.

GulliverUnravels · 07/11/2018 10:50

Teenage pregnancy isn't the worst thing that can happen to someone. And having looked after a number of young mums in my midwifery career (some younger than your DD, OP), the non-judgemental support of family makes all the difference in the world.
You sound like a wonderful mum and, pregnant or not, your DD is lucky to have you.

Taylor22 · 07/11/2018 10:50

Because honestly I'd WANT them to terminate.

If they were keeping it I'd spend some time in the evening googling with them but I wouldn't go straight in with that.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 07/11/2018 10:53

Teenage pregnancy isn't the worst thing that can happen to someone

But it is far, far from the best. Make a list of everything you'd want for your 14 year old and "being pregnant" would be number 567,000,999,999 on the list.

This attitude of "oh well, never mind" is just crazy. Then the siblings and the friends see everyone being all happy about a pregnant 14 year old. There's a really good reason it's not socially acceptable to have a baby at 14. We as parents should be doing absolutely everything we can to prevent this happening. (And not just parents of girls). OP has quite clearly buried her head in the sand and is now reaping the consequences.

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 10:57

well taylor you cant want what you like but it really makes shite all difference.

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 11:00

This attitude of "oh well, never mind" is just crazy. Then the siblings and the friends see everyone being all happy about a pregnant 14 year old. There's a really good reason it's not socially acceptable to have a baby at 14. We as parents should be doing absolutely everything we can to prevent this happening. (And not just parents of girls). OP has quite clearly buried her head in the sand and is now reaping the consequences

and what attitude should we replace this with? should we go back to sending unwed mothers away to have their babies and then forcefully place them for adoption?

should we shun them and make them leave their families and cope with their baby alone?

should we scream and shout about how much they have let us down, and how their life is over, and how stupid and irresponsible they are?

will any of that help?

will any of that make sure this child becomes a good mother, and make sure their child has a good life? No. it would likely do the opposite.

so whilst nobody wants to be in this situation, I feel that "oh well never mind" is really the only way you can approach it, because any other approach will just make the situation worse. And, you know what, its not the end of the world. Would I want it for my teenager? no, course not. Would I make the best of a horrible situation? yes of course I bloody well would.

Taylor22 · 07/11/2018 11:01

I disagree. I think the way you present it to the child makes the world of difference.

Like I said. Losing it is useless.
But there is a massive difference in saying I'll do everything, there there everything will work out.

To

This is going to be hard, you have to do everything. You need to work, pay and go to school. You have to deal with teething you have to pay for nappies and get your life together. You will not be going out on weekends or ever OMG with your friends and you will not have money to spend on yourself.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 07/11/2018 11:01

She's probably very embarassed OP that you found the note, and for whatever reason she wrote it, you need to make her do a test and make it an opportunity to have a really good honest chat about contraception. Just do it when you're calm, and the house is quiet. Fingers crossed the note was a moment of utter silliness and nothing more.

It's so hard parenting teenagers Flowers

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 11:05

the way you present it

so what you mean is, you can convince them to terminate by telling them all the bad things about parenting. Yes, I am sure you probably could, but it would be incredibly wrong.

nobody is saying tell her op will do everything and everything will work out - are you reading a different thread Hmm

there is being honest about parenthood (fine) and then there is coercing someone into a termination because that's what you want (not fine)

PoesyCherish · 07/11/2018 11:06

@dawnc27 you sound like an amazing mum. I went through a super broody phase at that age, even convinced myself I was pregnant as my period was over a month late. Thank fuck I wasn't but if my Mum had asked I would've denied it and refused to do the test anyway.

You sound like an amazingly supportive Mum. I really hope for all your sakes the test is negative but if not then you really will get through it together whichever route she takes. And she will be so much better off having you by her side.

Zebraantelopegiraffe · 07/11/2018 11:06

Good luck with your daughter today.

Seaweed42 · 07/11/2018 11:07

Does she play The Sims by any chance? If so, there is a lot of having babies going on. They get pregnant and then there is a lot of fun to be had in picking names, godparents names etc. My DD does this a lot on pieces of paper. Just saying don't base you opinion on this piece of paper.

Taylor22 · 07/11/2018 11:10

Telling someone facts is coercion?

Telling them how much money they will need to earn while in full time education?

Asking how they feel They will cope getting up at 6:30 am after getting an hour or two of broken sleep?

Maybe having to go back to school 6 weeks pp and leaving a tiny baby with childcare?

I believe it would be a hell of a lot cruel to allow them to get to that point blind and not knowing everything.

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 11:19

yes if you're only presenting them with facts / opinions that encourage termination, then yes in my book you're encouraging them to pick that option.

i'm not saying don't be realistic, yes you should, but only telling them how shit their life is going to be isn't realistic. It doesn't have to be shit at all. Yes, its hard. Parenting is hard whatever age you are.

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 11:19

also "telling them how much money they need to earn" is bullshit.

you live to your means, there is no set amount you "need" to earn to be able to have a child.

cupofteaandcake · 07/11/2018 11:22

OP this must be a very worrying and difficult time for you. If she takes the test today you will be able to move forward, either way and that in itself will be a relief.

I think that this has been an interesting thread re people's approach. I would be with the not 'losing it' brigade but sitting down and making it clear that there are lots of things that need to be discussed. I would support my daughter in her decisions however, and I know people don't agree with this, but I would be taking quite a tough line.

Whilst teenagers seem to get a lot more sex education these days they don't seem to be taught about consequences. I've seen a number of times people quote Gillick Competence. Posters spout on about how the OPs daughter can make her own decisions etc however what support is there if she decides to keep the baby? Posters seem to be assuming that the family, mainly the mother, will just step up. I do think most mothers in this day and age would be supportive but a little bit of me says if my child thinks she's old enough to have sex and risk getting pregnant and the law/society thinks she's old enough to make the decision about keeping it then society should step in and provide the support needed i.e accommodation and benefits. I don't believe a 14 year old can claim benefits so where does the money come from for nappies etc?

Taylor22 · 07/11/2018 11:23

A baby doesn't care how much money you've got. It will soil nappies. So that's a good base point.

Transport to and from childcare. The reality is a 14 year old has next to nothing as means go. So they absolutely need to find out how they are going to make money. A good 14 year old can't work Monday to Friday so they will need to pay someone to watch the baby.

flamingofridays · 07/11/2018 11:24

teaandcake I might be wrong but I think op will be able to claim child benefit for example, on her daughters behalf. I don't know exactly how it works in practice, as op has other children. So whether the rate would be the full amount I don't know.

Obvs CB doesn't cover everything but it would pay for nappies, maybe milk. I don't know about other tax creds and whether they can be claimed on her behalf. As a pp said there are grants and funds for childcare whilst youre in education.

Babies don't need to be expensive clothes and prams wise either.