talk me down! dd(14) poss pregnant

[dawnc27]

just moved dds school bag of the settee and a bit of papers slid out, on it it says a due date, possible names and names of godparents.
now this wouldnt normally phase me as id just think it was teenage rambling EXCEPT..... ive been asking myself when shes next due on, as we have been away for 2 weeks and back now around 10 days and shes not been on during that time which got me thinking back to when i last bought her any pads and tbh i cant remember. im thinking around july time which would tie in with the due date wrote down.
shes out at the moment which may be a good thing as i dont know what the fuck to do now!!
please help me by giving some advice

I agree, taking no for an answer here isn’t good enough here. She needs to take a test.

I don’t think MN is helping you here dawnc27. This is a really difficult situation for you, of course. It’s emotive and there will always be people who get judgmental about this subject but, reading through this thread, it seems that, while yesterday you were worried but measured in your posts, today you seem more overwhelmed and I’m not surprised.

This thread has offered some support but also lots of specific criticism which has forced you to consider and defend every area of your parenting and life. I didn’t post yesterday because I had nothing new to add and I thought you seemed as calm & prepared to talk to your dd (as any of us could be). Your instincts seem good. Please trust them & not MN. I firmly believe we’re making this worse & I hope you’ll step away from this thread, take a deep breath & try to get back to your calmer, more pragmatic state of mind. Stop letting MN zap your obvious strength. Have a cup of tea with a real life friend and ignore us. I think you already have every parenting tool you’re going to need.

You'll be doing a lot more than just helping out.

The thing is - the OP doesn't know if her daughter is pregnant. Nobody here knows whether her daugher is pregnant. Possibly even her daughter doesn't know!

The obvious first step - FINDING OUT. And yes, if that means standing over her until she pees on a stick, do it. This is ridiculous.

Again: she may also want to terminate

It doesn't sound like it since she had a list of names and who the god parents would be!
BUT...if she is pregnant she might not even know terminating is an option. She might not understand it and I'm pretty sure when i was younger I had an idea of a termination and it was completely wrong. You just think of an actual baby when in actual fact if its early on, its cells.

Listen i am not a fan of teenage pregnancys, i would be upset and a little disappointed if any of mine did it. That being said i would 100% support whatever decision they came to and be there to help them through it. Its not ideal, its not what any parent wants for their child but with support they can still have a good life. It just may be a little harder to obtain than others who dont have babies. In some cases it can absolutely be the making of them. Colditz you do realise the mental health implications on a 14 year old thats had to deal with a termination or adoption, they can be more destructive on their life than having a baby.
Adults struggle to come to terms with terminations and adoptions..so its going to be harder for a teenager.
Its really up to the person carrying the baby, anyway is going to be a bumpy ride but with OP as a mother i think she will be just fine, if she is indeed pregnant.

I think this threaf needs to go now Op as its obviously a stressful situation you dont need randomers on the internet giving their increasingly hysterical replys .

I think that whatever the outcome of this situation, how sad it is that a 14 year old child has either been put under pressure to have sex, or feels she 'ought to' because she thinks her friends are doing it, all the time knowing it is illegal.

It doesn't sound like [she may want to terminate] since she had a list of names and who the god parents would be!

No. But that's a teenage fantasy. But once she has been shown what being a single teenage mum is like - no more normal teenage life, finding a job, sleeplessness, changing nappies, her life prospects changed forever - she may change her mind.

Colditz you do realise the mental health implications on a 14 year old thats had to deal with a termination or adoption, they can be more destructive on their life than having a baby.

Or not.

Very well said Mable.

Whatever the result this is very hard for the OP. She knows the dates, we don't, so if she says she has time to take it gently and not wreck her relationship with her daughter then I really think we should trust her. If her daughter IS pregnant then whatever she decides she will need her mum so maintaining that is important. If she isn't then chasing her really will do a lot of harm, why risk it when a slight delay doesn't matter? The OP certainly doesn't sound as if she wants her daughter to be pregnant, just that she can see this is multi facited and realised she must care for her daughter in all ways, not just the physical. I applaud her.

OP

yes she does need to take a test and she WILL be taking one, prob tonight.
i said a week yesterday mainly to give us both a bit of breathing space, i cant see how it will help to go in all guns blazing. its how we have always done things in this house, we start the initial conversation off and then we take a night to think things over in our heads and work out exactly what it is we need to say to each other. this is more so as one of the other kids doesnt cope very well with arguments and if they get stressed it can lead to fits so last night when everyone was about wasnt the time or place, this is why dh will look after the others later so me and dd can talk in peace.
i think the test will be done then, hopefully it will be done as a fuck you, i told you i wasnt way!

I would step away from this now dawnc27 and just focus on you and your daughter.

It sounds like you have a good relationship - trust yourself that you will be able to guide and navigate your family through the potential scenario of your DD being pregnant.

Do you have one or two close, trustworthy friends whose advice you value on this subject matter? Talk to them because they know you, your principles, your parenting, your relationships, etc. We're only getting a snapshot.

How about your DH? Are you ready to let him in on this? Perhaps his perspective will help you.

yes she does need to take a test and she WILL be taking one, prob tonight.
i said a week yesterday mainly to give us both a bit of breathing space, i cant see how it will help to go in all guns blazing.

You have to know if she’s pregnant. Breathing space to make decisions can come after.

You sound like an incredible mother. You stick to what you're doing. You're handling this really well x

How do you know her 'dates' if you don't know when her last period was?

hopefully [the test] will be done as a fuck you, i told you i wasnt way!

Let's hope.

It's likely, I think - if your daughter suspected she was pregnant, she would probably be terrified and you'd notice something was wrong, I imagine.

you do realise the mental health implications on a 14 year old thats had to deal with a termination or adoption, they can be more destructive on their life than having a baby.

Having a baby can be pretty destructive even when a woman is in the right place, physically and emotionally. The age of 14 is
not this place.

Also, it’s not just having it, how about raising a child? How about all emotional, physical and financial difficulties that come with that?

TOP is not a nice option and it certainly doesn’t come with cuddly fantasies, sometimes it is the most realistic one.

Of course it has to be the pregnant woman/ girl decision.

dawnc27 i really hope you get the answer you are hoping for.
I have my fingers crossed for you and your daughter, raising teenagers is hard especially girls. I think you are doing the right thing pushing too hard will not solve the situation.

I hope you know that some on Mumsnet want to be supportive and constructive and are able to see past the hysterical pushy replies!

Hope she's ok and you sound like a lovely supportive mum x

sorry i didnt explain that very well.
i said a week to just calm the situation, she said she was due next week so i responded with ok then we shall see in a week.
that was just said as my auto response and of course there is a lot more details of what has been said that ive left out
when i said it i prob did mean that amount of time but that was then, it was instant reaction, we have had a bit of time to stop and think and yeah there is no way we can let it lie for a week, she knows this too
id say a lot of the things i said and thought last night was said in haste, like a deer caught in headlights, now ive had time to catch my breath we can sort this out like it needs sorting, starting with a test tonight

The only way to proceed is get the test taken, if it's positive really talk about all of the options, research them all together and ultimately it will be her choice.
Op seems fully aware of all this and is handling it the best she can although it can't hurt to hurry the test along. A lot.
Good luck op, I hope it's a false alarm and that birth control is put in place

However you may see this, it's your daughter and you're bound to me disappointed and shocked.

I was 14...I'm now 24.
I had my son at 14, haven't seen the father since I was pregnant. I have since graduated with a masters degree!
The worst thing has been done, she is pregnant. This isn't the end of the world.
If she decides to continue with the pregnancy then she needs to understand while her friends are all out on the weekend, she won't be able to do that when she wants. She needs to sacrifice a lot
You can also help her be the best mum she can, to do everything for her child, to want to succeed to be a fantastic mother and give her child everything!
This isn't the end of the world and I guarantee you adore the baby just like your own!

I hope she makes the right decision based on her own feelings and what she believes is the right thing to do

Sorry I was supposed to say, the worst has been done if she is pregnant!!! Xxxx