Uncomfortable realisations about yourself

[Casperandme]

I've had a couple of these recently, things I've realised about myself that are uncomfortable but at the same time things I wish I'd realised many years earlier.

In particular:

• there are all of these altruistic things I think I want to do one day but it's all bullshit, I don't actually want to, I just fancy myself the sort of person that would want to if that makes sense.
• I'm a gossip and I need to stop.

What are yours?

I'm hideously cynical about things. I always assume people only get in touch when they want something. I can't stand needy people or emotional vampires as I call them.

And the worst thing is a big part of me is glad I'm like this..

I procrastinate.
I eat too much.
I am terrible at keeping in touch with friends.
I rarely remember to send Birthday, Xmas cards etc
I overshare.
I smoke.
I use my (admittedly serious) health problems as an excuse to get out of things I can't be arsed to do.

This thread is brutal.

I am spoiled in my relationships. Nothing is ever good enough for me. I can't even be nice to my generous, loving parents. I am always suspicious that affection comes with strings attached so I'm always spiky. I blame my mum for this, even though I've known about it plenty long enough to sort it out.

I am constantly demanding of DH. I don't fancy him and never have so I try to get him to make up the shortfall with ridiculous acts of service. It's never enough.

I judge people on their wit and looks. I hate my inlaws because they are fat, ugly and lacking in charm. I keep saying 'as I get older I care more about whether or not people are kind' etc. It's not really true.

I had CBT so now I enjoy spotting other people's cognitive distortions

Apart from that did it help chalk?

I find it extremely hard to be happy for people if things aren't going well for me

I am way too impulsive which leads to too much binge drinking and quite often drugs

I am impossibly lazy at times

Also it actually makes me feel more compassionate towards other people even if they’re not always nice.

I say the right thing, because it is the right thing to say, very often. I don't really believe it, it just sounds good and underneath I'm actually very judgemental.

I definitely say things about other people that I wouldn't say to their face.

I should really, really learn to live by 'if you don't have anything kind to say, don't say anything at all'

I have always thought I was a bit counter culture, someone who didn't follow the crowd and that I was more intelligent and more clever than most people and therefore would end up doing something fabulous with my life. I am realising lately that I'm actually just an under-performing, fat, middle-aged, middle-class mum with a shit marriage and not enough courage to do anything about it.

I am in a period of self isolation at the moment. I am very sociable and it will only be short, but I'm sure it must be odd to other people as I go from being the 'life & soul' to absolutely nothing at the flick of a switch.

It's because I've simply said yes to too many things, completely overcommitted and overwhelmed myself. I just need quiet for a few days and then I'll be back.

foof you're my ghost of Christmas future! Hi.

A few more...

I’m anxious to the point of a neurotic disorder, and am bitter about my past decisions in life that lead to my head injury, post concussion syndrome and breakdown- after which I got a drug induced involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia. I’m always wishing I could turn back the clock, not bang my head, take psychotropic medication that I wasn’t warned about the serious side effects of, and how my life might have been so different if I had trusted my instincts and just done more research into the antipsychotic that I was told not to look up the side effects.

I’m also highly frustrated and sad that my mum doesn’t understand the impact my poor health has on my life, self esteem and prospects. I worry that she thinks I am a failure and that she is secretly ashamed of me. I’m scared of the future and getting a job, and that she will never be able to empathise with how I feel, nor accept that I may always have a movement disorder that affects me so much.

I’m impatient, can be very self obsessed, over sensitive, and get angry with others that I see have these shortcomings as they remind me too much of myself.

I spend far too much money on stupid stuff when I really should be concentrating on stuff I have to pay.

I use my mental health problems to get out of socialising with people. I hate being in large crowds.

I dislike people who I don't know, or barely know touching me for example if chatting and someone keeps touching my arm. To be honest there are times when I dislike my DH and DD & DS touching me

I've gone right off of sex at the moment, and fake it when we have sex.

I hate getting old, I hate that my bones are painful all the time

I have a superiority complex

I nag too much

I have an addictive personality, and have in the past drank and did large quantities of drugs.

I'm unnecessarily competitive.

I love to have heated debates about absolutely anything, and 90% of people probably hate being caught in conversations like that.

The standards I hold others too are much too high.

I am ambitious and successful in my career, but every time I achieve the next goal or ambition, it never makes me as happy as I thought it would. I’m never satisfied, I’m always just striving for the next thing. Inner insecurity I guess.

And yet the next thing won’t make me happy. Why won’t I accept it?

I do think this thread is refreshing and quite therapeutic actually.

And I think realising these behaviours and self reflection is a good thing.

I don't necessarily see it as negative either - just self awareness.

That’s what I was aiming for when I wrote the op - self awareness

I am selfish and ignorant of others needs when I am having a panic attack or panicking.

I want everybody to love me and find if someone goes off of me that I take it really hard and flirt/Fuck with someone else.

I like boys attention cause it makes me feel worthwhile

I find it hard to stick in a regular loving relationship cause I get bored like a kid who doesn't want anyone else touching her toys tho.

(Thanks bpd for the last one)

Also I've learnt to love being alone and find being around others exhausting sometimes

(That one could be the agrophobia)

Following to read tomorrow!

I am a great worker but terrible at home. For example I will happily clean my work place all day but detest cleaning at home. At home I am very lazy and get irritated at housework.

I am flighty. I develop obsessive interests that last a couple of months then disappear as quickly as they arrived.

I hate socialising out with my DH and DC. I don't have the time, the motivation or the inclination to develop and maintain friendships and I don't trust people easily at all.

I spend far far too long on my phone. I hate it. I would love to do other more useful things and I have consciously tried to cut back several times but always come back to it. I feel like I am wasting my life on it.

I need time alone. I dropped to 4 days at work so I have a day to myself.

I am a shouty mum and I can't let things drop which means I just keep going on and on at DD about something she's done (or not done when she should have).

I have massively underachieved in my life based on my qualifications. This is mainly due to anxiety. If I have too much responsibility, I just can't cope and worry constantly.

I hate going to work and resent its imposition on my time. I do as little as I can when I am there and if my boss is ever off sick or out of the office I skive off. I have a lot of self discipline when it comes to exercise, self-learning and improvement but when it comes to paid work I don't give a fuck. I have been like this ever since I started work and deserve to get fired.

I am paranoid, obsessive, selfish and manipulative to the point I bore people in my life. Thankfully they haven't left (yet)
I have very low self esteem yet I feel I'm superior to others
I don't like people and secretly judge them. On the same point, I hate mediocre people yet they always seem to be happier than me.
I hated most of my jobs (except 2) and I pretty much never bothered to be an "achiever" even though I've been told all my life that I am extremely intelligent (my self esteem doesn't let me believe it though).
I sometimes find myself in the situation of running from responsibility and try to take the "short path".

Phew. This felt good.

I don't handle illness in other people very well. I'm sick to death of being reminded that I need to be there with a listening ear for the people in my life who suffer from anxiety and depression. I completely turn away from new relationships where the other person is a drain rather than a radiator - can't be doing with the misery and negativity. I guess it's because my parents just left me to get on with it and I've turned out to be pretty self reliant. I just can't be doing with neediness.