Uncomfortable realisations about yourself

[Casperandme]

I've had a couple of these recently, things I've realised about myself that are uncomfortable but at the same time things I wish I'd realised many years earlier.

In particular:

• there are all of these altruistic things I think I want to do one day but it's all bullshit, I don't actually want to, I just fancy myself the sort of person that would want to if that makes sense.
• I'm a gossip and I need to stop.

What are yours?

My accent changes all the time. I hate to think people will think I'm taking the piss out of them but apparantly it's a sign of empathy? Always used to hate my dad for doing this, and now I do. I never know whether it's giraffe with an arrrr in the middle or giraffe with a af at the end if you see what I mean? Also class/class glass/glass pass/pass with an arse or an ass!!

Schadenfreude. I secretly love it when things go wrong for people. Even close friends. I think it's both that it makes me feel I'm getting ahead of them, and also I enjoy the drama.

i chose and dedicated almost a decade to studying for and working in a career that caused me to have grave mental health issues and physical health problems. I have since left my career and don’t have any plans to go back to it. This causes me massive guilt and anger issues because I feel i wasted a decade of my life.

That I can’t hide my autism
I thought I could. Thought I masked well and hid it
Then I was accidently given a file and it detailed how I’d been observed for months and they knew 😔

I have no tolerance for lazy unambitious people, those who have been handed free childcare and/ or houses by their parents and those who are happy with being thick. i hate hipsters. Not being a go-getter is an extremely unnattractive trait in my husband. I also dont understand why i dont get male attention when im average looking. Why isnt my husband enough? I also die of boredom on weekends as i want to go out and noone else does

I'm selfish.

I'm beyond lazy.

I only do nice things because of how it reflects on me. And I'll try to outdo others like birthdays or Christmas presents, organising events, because I want to look good.

I can't cope with the fact I'm getting older, therefore constantly moan about how upset I am with changing body/changing expectations

The only friends I keep, I keep at a distance. That way no one knows me, I have a completely different persona for friends and family.

I dislike most people. I focus on everyone's flaws and faults.

My anxiety and depression rule my life.

I'm generally not a very nice person.

I've thought of another. I actively enjoy disliking some people. There's one woman I used to be friends with but managed to pull away from as she turned out to be everything I dislike in a person. I regularly look at her Facebook page just to feel annoyed at what she posts.

There's a woman at work who I dislike intensely, most people do as she's just an awful boss (not mine) and no one can stand working for her. If I hear people talking about her I will gleefully join in. If someone plans to put a complaint in about her I'm ridiculously enthusiastic about it.

I was abusive to my XH (tbh this went both ways but that's no excuse).

I was a shit mother for the first few years. I went into therapy to solve it, but still, I'm sometimes kept awake at night by guilt.

Those two are in the past. Now I just have to deal with the fact that:

I'm greedy.
I spend recklessly.
I'm vain.
I martyr myself and then resent it.
I'm inherently lazy and have always resented it when I've had to work full time; I'm a bit of a ring-in-sick merchant, always sailing quite close to the wind.
I find it very easy to cut people out and move on.
I'm a black and white thinker.
I'm impulsive, leading me to make stupid decisions that other people then have to live with (four bloody dogs, for example).
I drink a bit too much.

I could go on, but I'm depressing myself.

That I don't really like animals.

That I'm an introvert and actually, I hate it. Until recently I thought I quite liked it but life would be so much easier if I took after the rest of my family who are extroverts and can start animated conversations with strangers and are outgoing at any occasion.

Ive thought of some more.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I think suffer with disordered eating. I alternate between being very strict with what I eat and often deprive myself to the point of hunger, and then totally binge on junk food until I feel sick. Then I feel guilty. I feel guilty when I eat anything that I don't perceive as healthy.

My family, especially my DM make me feel very anxious. I feel in a constant state of anxiety around her. I prefer my DF and always have. I don't feel I can truely be myself around my DM.

I constantly compare myself with others, and often feel consumed with jealousy. Even though I know most people only share what they want you to see on social media etc.

In theory, I’m very concerned about climate change etc. In public, I pay li service to such concerns in the socially accepted fashion.

In practice, however, I am certainly not prepared to make major personal sacrifices eg flying less or going veggie in order to ‘save the planet’. Fuck that. I like my steaks and I love my hard-earned holidays, and K will continue to enjoy them for as long as I can afford to.

@BonnieF I am worse. I like climate change. It was really bloody cold in the past and the weather is nice now.

And I work in the environmental sector so I have to keep my gob shut.

Me too @BonnieF and I'm not going to buy local produce either. It's pricier and I'm not trudging round the different shops when I can do it all at Asda.

Although I don't own a car so I think that's my bit done.

I’m very lazy and overweight. I keep using an accident as my excuse, but it happened a long time ago so there’s no reason I’m still fat. I’m only lazy at home and let my dh do a lot when I could do it. At work, I’m very hard working. Weird.

I’m very intolerant, especially of mh problems despite knowing they’re real. I just want to tell people to man up and get on with life. I know this is wrong and do not need berating for it. Were I to analyse it, I’d probably trace it to my gm having electric shock therapy and my mother having mh issues. I’m very intolerant of her drinking.

I feel satisfied if at the end of the day My Fitness Pals tells me I am under eating. It feels like a pat on the back.
If I have to touch my mmother I feel physically repulsed. she asked me to put sun lotion on her and I wanted to throw up.
I have an awful habit of seducing people (either male or female) then when they are all cosied up, turn on them.
I would love to kick the arses off next doors kids.
If I deny myself loads of things, I think I am brilliant.
In my mind I am obscene.
Unlovable. Horrible, ugly, mean spirited.
No career because I don't see the point now at 50.
No plans at all and more than likely never going to be another one.
I have given up pretending to be nice and have given myself permission to tell those people who annoy me to fuck right off. A few years ago I would never want anyone to see what a fucker I really am but I am past caring. I don't have the energy and I love the look on their faces. Its like fuel now.

I sometimes use my aspergers diagnosis as an excuse to be rude to people as I know they’ll forgive me.

I hate being out of the house, and I hate working - if dh ever left me I suspect I would just claim benefits and not feel guilty for doing so.

I’m jealous of people who care about things with a passion - animal lovers, vegans, people who volunteer for causes or raise money for charities - I wish I could summon up the amount of effort but I really don’t care enough unless it affects me.

I’m only really with dh because he gives me security plus I’m scared no one else would want me as I’ve really let myself go.

This is awful, but When I was suffering from depression and, at my lowest point, suicidal, I used to pray that I would get an terminal disease so I would die but without my children thinking it was their fault or that I’d left them on purpose.

L0ki I think that last one is very, very common.

i still find this thread very concerning - I wonder how many of you have woken up today feeling lighter because you’ve had the courage to voice things out loud about yourself even anonymously that you don’t like or feeling a bit depressed and a bit shit!

^^

Nah man.

I'm never depressed. People describe me as a ray of sunshine. My glass is full. Took the boy trampolining, went shopping and made soup for lunch. Happy days.

I find it concerning how concerning YOU find this thread, green.

Another one of mine (rather than arguing with Green) is that I actively initiate social events and then when someone says 'yeah, let's go for a beer next week' I immediately clench up and begin to think of excuses.

I love the idea of it, but not actually going out.

I’m glad you,re not depressed by this don’tfeellikeaskeleton but some could already be on the cusp of a downward spiral and then putting their insecurities out there -you cant come back from this now - yes you can name change and carry on as though this never happened but for some these posts sound very sad. If there is no one around to get you out of this mood and you then spend ages ruminating on how awful you are your mood is going to sink lower - I’m concerned because I’ve been there -notlike - do you describe yourself as a ray of sunshine - I assume not from your next post I expect you hide yourself when you don’t feel like it

Greenberet - dear god will you give it a rest.

It’s a liberating, honest and insightful thread. I’ve enjoyed reading the posts, and your ridiculous long rambling posts with no paragraphs are ruining it.

I have to reread them about 3 times to even understand what you are on about.

Why don’t you join in he spirit of things and post your own dark side, rather than giving out these off point psychobabble pep talks

I thought of another one...

I enjoy being rude to other posters on mumsnet

Haha me too lethal. The armchair psychology is bloody irritating.

Why does someone try and ruin every thread? It’s happened on another one too tonight.