Uncomfortable realisations about yourself

[Casperandme]

I've had a couple of these recently, things I've realised about myself that are uncomfortable but at the same time things I wish I'd realised many years earlier.

In particular:

• there are all of these altruistic things I think I want to do one day but it's all bullshit, I don't actually want to, I just fancy myself the sort of person that would want to if that makes sense.
• I'm a gossip and I need to stop.

What are yours?

Physically im uglier and odder to look at than i think - im familiar with it but have a wakeup call/horrible realisation every now and again.

I'm a terrible pessimist but tell people I'm not and that I'm actually a realist! Christ I'm a bloody miserable negative cow sometimes!!

greenberet those are all good points. Thing is, for me anyway, I don’t mean to put myself down. There is plenty about myself I do like. I think I’ve just become more self aware recently about my foibles in a way I find uncomfortable as now I know they exist, am I going to do anything about it? I like to think so, but probably not.

Oh and I’ve been nodding along to so many of these. Now I’m thinking of people I know in rl and wondering what theirs would be ...

I despise people who are very competitive about material consumption, especially fleeting things like resort holidays and restaurants or branded “luxury” goods as I think they are superficial and meaningless signallers of economic status. But I am just as shallow as I like nice things and experiences, I just want them to be more subtle and discreet.

Eat meat despite being morally and environmentally indefensible.

Related, do a lot of bad things for the environment because it's easier or I just want too. Such as driving everywhere, buying packaged food and bottled drinks.

Never really been that attracted to DH. Settled for him to have dc. Love being a parent though and don't regret my decision at all.

Extremely lazy except when it comes to housework. At work though I'm very lazy. Don't care because all my colleagues are the same.

No ambition especially at work. Sometimes I get jealous of my friends who have great careers. Even I know it's because they deserve them and I don't!

Never studied at uni and don't even really know how to do my job (science related). Only have an extremely superficial knowledge of how to do tasks, but don't understand the science behind them at all.

Addicted to phone - not embarrassed about this one as everyone is.

I found this thread very therapeutic on a Friday night, so much so that I am reading updates on Saturday morning. Does being relieved that other people have failings and its not just me count as yet another failing of mine? O thought of another one, I need too much sleep and actually feel ill if I don't get enough. Keep this one to myself mostly cause I know it makes me sound really soft.

i still find this thread very concerning - I wonder how many of you have woken up today feeling lighter because you’ve had the courage to voice things out loud about yourself even anonymously that you don’t like or feeling a bit depressed and a bit shit!

Self awareness is good - it gives you the chance to work on issues and become a better person - not for others but just for your own self contentment - some of these threads indicate that there are some lonely people out there - all issues have a root - but as I’ve said before it takes a lot of delving to find where these come from and means going over old ground that may not be very nice - much easier to shove things in a box and say I’ve dealt with that - but unless you have really dealt with it - which means asking yourself why am I like this - what am I burying what am I hiding - it will always be there - you can’t get away from it - sometimes surfacing when you least expect it - sometimes just a low level feeling of shit or depression which can go on for many years.

Some of you have acknowledged you have good points - some I’m not so sure about - sometimes it is very difficult to see ourselves in a good light if this is something we have never been used to - I’ve had counselling on and off throughout the years - but recently a lot - I never ever thought I would have found myself in a position I’ve been in recently - sometimes life throws you a curveball - had I faced up to myself years ago I may have faired better during this time - had I faced up to myself I may have developed an inner strength years ago and not been so scared of life. I’m pretty sure most of you would have had these feelings buried under the surface for a long time - use this as a catalyst for change - life is too short to be carrying around this unnecessary baggage!

I'm a very anxious person. I hadn't realised until recently the impact it's had on my entire life (particularly work wise).

In the next 5 years I will become the sole earner for our family. I must retrain to be able to earn enough to support us.

However, I am really glad that I've realised it's a big issue so I can get my shit together!

Octopus - no it’s not a failing - its realising that you are human and are not perfect - nobody is - we are fed bullshit that we are supposed to be all singing all dancing super humans capable of having perfect relationships, perfect lives, perfect this that and the other - trying to fit into a world that makes it more and more difficult to be ourselves.

And the sleep thing get you on this - why do you say it like it’s a failing - you need the amount of sleep you need - that’s it - not the amount of sleep someone else needs. I have to sleep most days during the day because if I don’t I become kranky can’t function - or I have to go to bed at 7pm. If I want to go out in an evening I have to prepare in advance or make sure I have a free day. I’ve been diagnosed with depression for over 20 years - mainly now I believe as being pulled in too many directions to please everyone else and this is at all levels -and not going with what my gut, my soul, my body whatever you want to call it is telling me. Some people on MN have called me lazy maybe even some on here - why is mental health increasing? Because we are being forced into living our lives because it is for someone else’s benefit - mainly the governments - we are being controlled left right and centre and we believe it because we think these people have our best interests at heart - the only person who has this is you - no matter what anyone else tells you - you may be lucky and have people that really do have your best interests at heart, family friends a good employer but this can all change in a blink of an eye - this is when your insecurities can seep to the surface and cause havoc if they haven’t been truly dealt with.

Dinos - that’s a pretty huge issue to deal with and you see this - but why MUST you retrain - is there choices you could make if you look a bit outside the box - maybe not what you would have chosen in your “perfect” world but choosing a curveball instead?

I'm not as good at impersonating neurotypical as I thought I was.

I have to put the brakes on otherwise its autistic burnout time.

I don't have as many friends as I thought and was wrong about some people I thought were good friends.

My body language either creeps people out or intimidates them.

I get very envious and resentful. My boys both have disabilities / learning difficulties and when I see friends with younger kids who can do things mine can’t I get really envious, sad and angry. It’s not a good trait but sometimes it’s so hard to see them struggle so much despite all my effort, and for things to just come naturally to others.

I shut down emotionally when I’m stressed and I’m probably not a very nice person to live with sometimes.

Recycling? - what a lot of tosh? Yes we all want to do our bit but how difficult do we make this? Why is it the responsibility of the person at the bottom of the line to save the planet? The responsibility needs to be at the top but there is no money in it if we do this - if all non recyclable packaging stopped we would not need to sort it into endless piles - everything would be recyclable - if we had less packaging in the first place this would reduce the amount to be recycled -most things do not need extra packaging but packaging is money, it’s jobs, it looks nice there is always a simple solution but this means turning everything on its head

Empty - that must be really hard for you - you’re feelings are justified and are a reflection of how much you are having to contend with - it’s not wrong to feel like you do - it’s wrong that we have been led to believe we should keep feelings like this to ourselves - you shut down because you think you cannot express these feelings when really you should be shouting from the rooftops how bloody hard life is and sometimes really unfair - anybody with an ounce of compassion would understand this - you need support , you need kindness I hope you get some of this - if you feel you do not get enough ask - keep asking - it’s nothing less than you deserve

Great thread.

I am the person who is going to lose weight and get back my former mojo. However, in reality I have been this weight for ten years and enjoy wine, crisps and cheese and mayo sandwiches far too much to really do it.

I am intolerant of others lateness, rudeness and general bad manners and will tell people off if they get in my wick. Which in itself is bad mannered and rude.

Hah, feel better now

I still believe I’ll manage to lose this weight. Past performance is no guarantee of future performance!

Thanks so much greenberet that’s so kind of you. A lovely friend of mine brought her two little ones round this week who are younger than mine - they are absolutely wonderful and very advanced. Having kids around that wanted to interact and play with me was so lovely but it just broke my heart too. They’re doing all the things I thought I’d be doing with mine, and it’s just so hard. I hate feeling sad and angry about other kids doing well - that just not a nice way to think is it? It is fleeting but it still upsets me that I feel that way.

It’s totally understandable. No one imagines things being that way when they decide to have kids. It must be immeasurably difficult.

John - it’s not right that you feel you need to pretend to be someone that you are not - we all need to be accepted as we are - and sometimes this has to come within ourselves first - I never used to tell anyone I suffered with MH issues - I would keep myself hidden when not coping - not even close family knew - but these days I am what I am - the more people who talk about the bad as well as the good the more understanding develops - we still have a long way to go because no two people will be exactly the same and this is even with all the media attention - I thought my ex husband of 20 years was my friend I have learnt this is not the case - but you need to have hope - you need to believe there are good people out there - taking time out when you need to shows caring for yourself and being your own friend - I really don’t get why this should be seen as negative but sadly it is until more people realise that this is what most of us have to do - to be seen to function normally in a world that is actually pretty dysfunctional right now

Hopefully this thread will open peoples eyes - MN has become pretty bitchy these days with many people too quick to judge and put others down. This is a place people turn to when they have nowhere else to go because it is 24/7 and you can come on here with no one ever knowing who you are. If people cannot even find some comfort in these circumstances then it is a very sad world we live in and no wonder MH is on the increase. One word can change how someone really relates to themselves - make that word a kind one - on here - in RL - to others but mostly to yourselves!

Greenberet

I usually don't pretend but only notice when I have/had some odd interactions with people I can now understand with hindsight and jobseeking. That was a miserable, prolonged rabbit hole because with jobseeking you typically don't know people and they are often interviewing you based on the mangled bleeding corpse of what remained of your CV after contact with an AI.

I work in STEM but there are still old fashioned attitudes - e.g. like hiring like and I only got my AS diagnosis AFTER I got a new position (payed for it privately).

But this is a general thing that longterm jobseekers get 'you interviewed well but are lacking in confidence' OOOOOOH I WONDER WHY?!?!? Could it be because I haven't GOT A JOB?!?

I was enjoying the posts where people stated their perceived shortcomings without analysis from others. It was eye opening, honest and raw.

I'm a lazy procrastinator but I convince myself and other people that I am very dynamic.
I wish I had been more of a slag when I was younger. I would secretly like to be now, but I am too scared and lazy.
I used to be an anxious people pleaser but now have gone the other way and quite like it when people hate me, as long as they are not in a position to harm me.

arya I’m the same! I still get a shock when I see photos and I’m so much bigger in rl than I am in my head

Empty - I’d like to see you change your user name to full, - it’s exactly it though - you have to go through a mourning period of what you thought your life would be like - we all have these perfect visions - the anger the sadness its all a reflection of this - your kids will be beautiful too- you have to find in them what makes them unique there will be something - the funny way one of them does something, a slight tip of a head there will be something - something small maybe something you have noticed but not noticed - look at them for who they are - not who you thought they would be - you have to go deep within yourself to do this but you have the capability that’s why you are on this thread, it’s ok to be upset it’s part of the healing process it’s part of the growing it’s part of accepting and it is perfectly natural to feel that way -when you realise this you will let this part of you go and you will find a whole other part of yourself that has been there all along but has been hidden - good luck x