Uncomfortable realisations about yourself

[Casperandme]

I've had a couple of these recently, things I've realised about myself that are uncomfortable but at the same time things I wish I'd realised many years earlier.

In particular:

• there are all of these altruistic things I think I want to do one day but it's all bullshit, I don't actually want to, I just fancy myself the sort of person that would want to if that makes sense.
• I'm a gossip and I need to stop.

What are yours?

Im a nagging cow. I’m really judgemental. And I suspect at least a fraction narcissistic.

I ignore the housework unless someone's coming round

I spend more time talking about what I'm doing than actually doing it

I'm a lazy cook. My kids probably only get two proper from scratch meals a week and I feel no shame over this because I used to be a food obsessed instamummy foods slow hashtag Ho and can see there's more to life than that

I am really intolerant of anyone with a drug or drink problem even though I've been there a long time ago myself. I "just quit" in the end and am impatient with people who say they want to and don't because if you really wanted to you'd stop

I have a short fuse and switch from middle class to ghetto the second I've had a drink/ been taken advantage of/ been accused of something I didn't do/ been bitched about.

I am really intolerant of religious people. I want to be all peace and love but hey, I believe in my own thing and it isn't the almighty omega big guy judging how many Hail Marys you say or whether or not you cover your hair.

I call people out and tell them about themselves when I could be kinder. I don't tread gently as I should but tell people to sort their shit out instead.

I have a short fuse. It got longer for a while but people took the piss, now I'm back to being quick to temper. At least now I use my words and don't shout/swear/lash out like when I was a kid/ teenager.

Sometimes I hate being on my own and am always on the phone or with a friend. Sometimes this involves feeding my kids biscuits to shut them up and not engaging with them as much as I probably should.

My favourite part of the day is bedtime. I get to feel like a good mum for brushing their teeth, giving them a story and some 1:1 time etc. But also I really enjoy putting on silly voices when I read and knowing they will be asleep soon,

I talk about reading more than I actually read. At this rate I will get through my reading list long after I'm dead. At other times I do all nighters to find out what happens next and survive the next day on energy drinks and cortisol/adrenaline.

I have an inferiority complex. Everyone else is more intelligent, confident, beautiful, successful, talented, interesting etc etc. I need to learn to be happy with myself and stop comparing all the time but don’t know how!

When I have a few drinks I have a very sharp tongue!! I’m often do too much truth telling and this upsets people!! I really was not meant for the diplomatic core!! Most people don’t like the truth telling!! Of course afterwards I feel like the worst person in the would!! And I hate myself for not being able to just keep my big mouth shut!! I wish I could say I have got better with age be to be honest with myself I have got worse!! One of my sons said I’m turning into Blanche from coronation street only much better looking!!

Bitchy, conceited, talk far too much about myself, fake modesty, massively judgment and don't feel bad about it, pretty snobby, impatient, underhanded on occasion, manipulative on others.

I do have good points though!

I'm naïve. I've not grown up, i'm not sure how to

I lost my respect for my NPD mother and she reminds me time and time again why.

I hold some of the same judgemental stereotypes as my mum and don't want to pass them as a parent myself. I'm autistic and I can't bear to challenge them, I feel anxious around situations and people outside of what I grew up with. I'm also realising that my autism dominates my life and wondering how to 'get better' at functioning.

Hurrah! This thread at last makes me think a bit better of myself - at least I'm not the only turd in the sewer...

- at least I'm not the only turd in the sewer...

I....coughs and scuffs the ground ....genuinely think I'm much more intelligent than 99% of people that I meet.

And I experience schadenfreude more than I like to admit, even to myself....

I like that alot of people are jealous of my looks

I hide when my FIL comes round as he's boring

I’ll always be fat.

I use my happy smiley face to hide a world of pain and hurt. No one would ever believe how desperately sad I am. I can't bear anyone to think I'm not completely in control of my life. It's exhausting.
I have crippling anxiety but again no one would know - I've turned down amazing opportunities throughout my life because I was scared I would fail and people would laugh at me.
I also NEED people to like me so I adapt my personality to fit in with any type of person. If I found out someone said something horrible about me it would devastate me.

It feels so good to say that kind of out loud!
I should probably find a therapist!

I find this thread very sad - how many of you have namechanged to share what you see as your “faults” - some of the things you like to do are not wrong - are not weaknesses - we live in a fast paced mad world where we are constantly being bombarded with “ we are not good enough” not good enough for who for our teachers for our employers for our husbands our families for the next door neighbour the person down the street or even for MN. If we all accepted ourselves for who we are and really shared our hearts when we are not fine - there would be none of these feelings. They all stem from fear - fear of not being good enough fear of could have done better fear of should have been this should have been that - fear of not being like everyone else -does it really matter - what comes across here is that we are all the bloody same yet we hide behind what we think we should be or what we think someone else thinks we should be! This is so sad - it fuels anxiety it fuels depression and I say this as someone who had been through all of these feelings. But if we are never able to accept ourselves for exactly how we are and talk about ourselves with kindness, with compassion, with understanding and forgiveness how can we extend this to anyone else. I’ve bared my soul on MN sometimes I’ve been treated very badly but you know what I stuck with my username because this is me - somedays are good somedays not so good and some very bad days. But if I cannot accept myself for who I am on here and in real life what Is the point.

You all have the opportunity to be the person you want to be - it requires a lot of hard work and effort and will take time - nothing happens overnight - give yourselves some slack and start loving yourselves which means talking to yourself kindly - deep down what we are all longing for and really need - not this pretend bullshit!

I also secretly dislike some of my friends due to judging their behaviours, I judge their parenting too (secretly) and often (secretly) dislike their rude children.

I hate how my oldest friend patronises and interacts with my older child but I still want to socialise with her (alone) because she's fun (and I've realised I've looked up to her to fulfil a 'mum role to me since I was a young teenager). The honest thing to do would be to end the friendship so i'm putting my needs first seeing her sans child.

I talk about myself too much and don't know what else to say, and often don't really care what anyone else has to say. I find most people boring and hardwork so i'm probably quite horrible.

I do irresponsible shit like staying up all night and lazy parenting the next day.

I became a shit aunt when I became a parent.

I have hoarding tendencies.

I have favourites (only pets though, not kids - but I do fear that I could end up that way).

That nearly brought me to tears, @greenberet.

I know you are right - I wish I could follow your advice better than I do.

I did not realize that I was a gossip. Seems I come from long line of gossips. It was natural way to communicate. Now I hope I did not hurt anyone. Thankfully, I am not malicious.

I am nearly, hopefully, 2/3 done with my life and I may never realize my dream of being a successful published author.

Also, I wish that I had realized that I was thin and pretty before I was old and chunky. My insecurity back then seems very sad.

Oh God, just thought of another one.

I feel gleeful when people I know call their children names I consider shit. And that covers:
Anything 'chavvy' like Jayden
Anything 'aspirational' like Persophone
Anything to demonstrate how 'out there' they are like River
Anything from a culture that they are not clearly linked to, i.e. using a very irish name because their great great grandad was from Ireland.

I feel like I've 'won' the tasteful and middle class baby name competition when this happens, and I've no idea why,..

I guess I'm one of the bigger turds in the sewer

Ah green I've made my peace with all this though. Doesn't make it any less true, much as I try. That's ok.

I value good looks, I was so relieved that DD was a cute child for example and is beautiful now.
I'm impressed by big houses, money and I have this need to work out how to get it. I'm not jealous though, I am genuinely happy for people, I just want it too.
I get cabin fever constantly. I have to go out all the time either day or night, I have a lovely home but I still need to escape and have fun. Tonight our plans fell through and I am itching to go out. I'm not a homebody in the slightest.

I hate arts and crafts and baking. I won't let my child have any of the above for fear of making a mess.

I know how to eat healthy but don't

I have really poor concentration and I'm very forgetful this impacts my working life

I’m lazy and disorganised.

I can’t control my drinking or eating

I’m scruffy and any otherwise stylish piece of clothing will soon look scruffy on me.

Oh, and I also love drama, love gossip, shit-stir if I think I can get away with it and feel like it, and can be absolutely clarty as fuck then lie that of course I didn't just use a filthy teatowel etc.

I am lazy, fat and a hideous procrastinator which means I am horribly ineffective.
I long for a tidy, uncluttered house but it looks like a pigsty
I am either really kind and patient with DC or a hideous screeching banshee
I have crippling anxiety and every day is a battle to not give in to the lurking depression again.
I love my children dearly but sometimes I just want to be LEFT ALONE!
We scratch along struggling to pay for things so I am horribly envious of anyone with money, particularly those who've inherited/married it and not earned it because in my eyes they don't 'deserve' it any more that I do.
I am judgemental and bitchy and feel an unkind satisfaction when people get their 'just deserts' for their previous smug/unkind/attention-seeking behaviour

I am quite prickly and seek validation from others.
Things get on my nerves quite easily.
A tad precious

pros;
I am generous and warm
I don't gossip much
I am a good friend & decent mum

I wee in the shower