Is it me, or is my new flatmate batshit?

[ThierryEnnui]

Posting in Chat so this disappears eventually.

I’m almost sure I’m not BU, but I’d appreciate a sounding board before I compose a strongly worded message!

My new flatmate moved in 3 weeks ago. When I’d met her I saw no red flags - on paper she lives a similar lifestyle to me, we clicked straight away, she’s chatty etc. But within a couple of days, something in my gut just said it wasn’t quite right. On the first morning, she quite loudly knocked on my door and opened it (I was asleep) and asked to borrow a comb. I got up and found her one. 5 mins later, she wants to borrow my toothpaste. And then my hairdryer. Fine, she’s just moved in, but she’s come from another flat share so surely she had these things before?

That evening she baked chicken in so much BBQ sauce I must have burnt a week’s worth of calories scrubbing the dish (which was left on the side, not even soaking). I’m a vegetarian and she hadn’t done much to clean up the raw chicken-y mess from her meal prep: there were chunks attached to the chopping board which she’d put straight into the dishwasher.

A couple of other things:

1. I was away for the weekend and she had come into my room, taken my hairdryer again and not returned it
2. She’s taken one of the sofa scatter cushions for her bed - I didn’t know this until I went in to try and find the kitchen scissors when she was out. The kitchen scissors have turned up this evening after I asked, as they had fallen (?) into her handbag...

All of this is irritating but not a dealbreaker. Until this evening... as I got in from work she asked if she could ask me a ‘strange’ question. Sure, fire away. She very gingerly and awkwardly began to imply she’d invited a bloke over next weekend. I laughed and said ‘don’t worry!’ - it wouldn’t bother me at all. But then she came out with: ‘so would you mind if i paid for you to get a hotel for the weekend?’

I laughed awkwardly and muttered something about keeping out of their hair and that I’m a heavy sleeper so it wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel a) completely baffled and b) like I need to send her a carefully crafted message just making clear that this is my home and I found it odd. One friend’s theory is that she wants the bloke to believe it’s her own flat. Another thinks she’s got weird fetishes

I just think it’s really fucking cheeky and has kind of heightened all my irritation about the other things to the point I feel kind of uncomfortable and like I don’t want to be here! Any tips on what to say in my message would be appreciated - I want to give her a chance and I don’t want to be heavy handed, but I feel I need her to realise that it was a completely bonkers and disrespectful thing to suggest.

Ottersea it doesn’t - she wants the bloke round (and me off to the Premier Inn) next weekend. I’m away this weekend.

From my wide experience of flat sharing I conclude this person is one of those who are out for everything they can get away with. Its going to get a lot worse.

Mhw02 - I came on to say exactly that! DS keeps the vacuum in his lodger's room, so he has a reason to go in.

If it's not working now, it's not going to get better. Maybe invest in one of the small wireless cameras for your room, so you'll know if she's been in, and a small safe for your valuables? Shouldn't have to do either in your own home, but better safe than sorry.

Seriously, get rid ASAP.

And then draft up a nice set of house rules you can show and discuss with your new potential lodgers.

I find it works better to start from a clear position and then you can be more relaxed if you get on well. It is hard to go the other way.

Oh and she wants you out cos shes planning a big party full of a her equally horrible entitled arse mates.

Spareroom have a draft contract on their website.

I would get rid ASAP and change the locks.

This is a horrific story. The bit that got me was the chunks of chicken stuck to the chopping board in the dishwasher!

Good luck OP

I think I would wait till you are back. This is a horrible situation for you. Just be careful to move any valuable stuff if you can as I think insurance does not cover stuff if anything goes missing and you invited the taker into your home. Try to keep things as pleasant as possible and I agree telling her in person is better.

I think ask the neighbour to feed the cats, or a friend to drop in. You don't want to feel indebted to her, due to her taking care of your cats.

Then give her notice, saying it's not working out, you'd like her out in a week and will refund the rest of her rent. (I'm torn on whether you should repay all but a week's now, as otherwise she may say she's paid for the month so is staying, or whether you'll end up with a non-paying guest making a song and dance about not being able t find anywhere else).

I can't help feeling you fell at the first hurdle here, by washing up her horrible dishes. Why did you leap in and do that, rather than leave it to soak and prompt her to sort it out?

I don’t think she’s batshit, but she does need a few rules establishing.

Your possessions are yours and hers are hers unless previously agreed.

Personally, as a veggie, I would only want a fellow veggie as a flatmate so rules are required regarding meat products and cleaning up.

If she wants to shag, it is not your problem and she needs to make arrangements that don’t disrespect or inconvenience you.

In the end it doesn't matter what her motivation is, whether she's naive or manipulative. You feel uncomfortable. You need a housemate you can feel relaxed with.

You're probably looking forward to your days away, however, if I were you, I'd be rescheduling. I don't think I could enjoy myself - I'd be worrying what was happening in my home + my cats welfare.
Start the notice period soon as you can.
I would also clarify with her that is your property.
Also, no boyfriend overnight - think of your personal safety.
When she's gone, change locks - meantime, keep anything you value locked away.
When you're giving her notice, can you have someone with you for moral support?
Good Luck.

Yes batshit, it will get worse and worse and then it will get nasty. Who needs that kind of stress?
Trust your gut or pay the price - get rid!
There, you have our permission.
(Still to read the whole thread but has anyone actually said 'keep her'? I doubt it.) Good luck OP.

God, you let a stranger move into your home with no references and no contract? Honestly op, that's what's batshit.

Wait till your back, and then serve notice, tell her something nice like a relative needs to move in and just hope for the best that she actually goes.

How bizzare. Get rid!

Maybe you should contant the prople she put down as references now. Find out what you are dealing with.
Personally I'd cancel going away and get rid of her now. You could probably just change your locks and bag up her stuff to give her when she arranges a convenient time. She has no rights. Normally I wouldn't do that to someone but if you think she is the type to clear your home, then best get in there first.
If you do give her notice, I'd advise changing your locks anyway, in case she makes copies of the keys during the notice period.

It's a shame you're kicking her out as we won't get a weird sex party update  well done OP, she sounds totally bonkers

There was supposed to be a smiley in there!!

I don’t necessarily think she’d loot the place whilst I’m away - I mentioned upthread I was away last weekend too and all was fine, cats were happy(ish). I don’t think she’s evil or a scam artist, just totally without boundaries. It does make me uncomfortable going away knowing that I want her gone, but for the sake of 7 days, I think I’ll have to grin and bear it (plans for trip are with a long standing friend who would be gutted if I let her down). Wonder why she’s not moved her weird sex party forward!

I think I am going to be a chicken and approach it from the angle that a relative needs to move in quickly, and could she be out within the month. Argh, it will be so awkward if she hangs around!

When I say ‘all was fine’ I mean she hadn’t changed the locks and there wasn’t evidence of any orgies 😂 she had nicked my hairdryer though, and burnt another dish 😐

If there is no contract then I'd bag up her stuff and get her out immediately.

Yes, brutal. But this is your HOME. You can't be frightened and anxious in your own home re you don't know what she's capable of /what she'll do next. You can't live like that!

springy it’d be great if she was out before I leave on Sat, but I just don’t know how realistic that is, and if she doesn’t go then I’m stuffed and she has sole occupancy for 3 days. I hope that in offering her the month’s notice, she’ll decide to go sooner than that on the basis I want her out. But as I’ve learnt, she’s full of surprises!

tbh I'd ask her to leave, not just because of the behaviour but also because you've got someone there without even checking references!
you don't know anything about her.

before that, do tell her that she should stay in a hotel with the bloke if she feels so strongly about no one being around.

next tenant, do all the checks and do print a set of house rules, show people at interview and see if they are horrified. I can't see that food clogging up the dishwasher is a good idea either!

I really think your best option is to wait, keep things as friendly as possible. My only experience of bad tenants, really bad tenants, was to be as helpful as possible. They stopped paying rent as soon as notice was given, overstayed one week past notice date and we helped them clear their stuff and move. Took 6 weeks to clean up after they went. But, it could have been much worse. Your tenant might be harmless, but a liberty taker.

Of course she’s batshit and this will only get worse.

I’m completely aghast at the posters suggesting that a few ground rules will sort this out.

She has no boundaries, sounds absolutely nuts and this will not improve. Save yourself the hassle and tell her to leave ASAP.