Is it me, or is my new flatmate batshit?

[ThierryEnnui]

Posting in Chat so this disappears eventually.

I’m almost sure I’m not BU, but I’d appreciate a sounding board before I compose a strongly worded message!

My new flatmate moved in 3 weeks ago. When I’d met her I saw no red flags - on paper she lives a similar lifestyle to me, we clicked straight away, she’s chatty etc. But within a couple of days, something in my gut just said it wasn’t quite right. On the first morning, she quite loudly knocked on my door and opened it (I was asleep) and asked to borrow a comb. I got up and found her one. 5 mins later, she wants to borrow my toothpaste. And then my hairdryer. Fine, she’s just moved in, but she’s come from another flat share so surely she had these things before?

That evening she baked chicken in so much BBQ sauce I must have burnt a week’s worth of calories scrubbing the dish (which was left on the side, not even soaking). I’m a vegetarian and she hadn’t done much to clean up the raw chicken-y mess from her meal prep: there were chunks attached to the chopping board which she’d put straight into the dishwasher.

A couple of other things:

1. I was away for the weekend and she had come into my room, taken my hairdryer again and not returned it
2. She’s taken one of the sofa scatter cushions for her bed - I didn’t know this until I went in to try and find the kitchen scissors when she was out. The kitchen scissors have turned up this evening after I asked, as they had fallen (?) into her handbag...

All of this is irritating but not a dealbreaker. Until this evening... as I got in from work she asked if she could ask me a ‘strange’ question. Sure, fire away. She very gingerly and awkwardly began to imply she’d invited a bloke over next weekend. I laughed and said ‘don’t worry!’ - it wouldn’t bother me at all. But then she came out with: ‘so would you mind if i paid for you to get a hotel for the weekend?’

I laughed awkwardly and muttered something about keeping out of their hair and that I’m a heavy sleeper so it wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel a) completely baffled and b) like I need to send her a carefully crafted message just making clear that this is my home and I found it odd. One friend’s theory is that she wants the bloke to believe it’s her own flat. Another thinks she’s got weird fetishes

I just think it’s really fucking cheeky and has kind of heightened all my irritation about the other things to the point I feel kind of uncomfortable and like I don’t want to be here! Any tips on what to say in my message would be appreciated - I want to give her a chance and I don’t want to be heavy handed, but I feel I need her to realise that it was a completely bonkers and disrespectful thing to suggest.

felicia I think that is what I will need to do. I can buckle under confrontation and can imagine myself making allowances or concessions that I wouldn’t otherwise. In response to a PP, that’s the reason I’d rather do this via message rather than face to face too.

Get her gone.

If she’s like this from day dot, she’s going to be an absolute bloody nightmare.

I’d be worried about her turning nasty or changing the locks, so I’d give a very random excuse...subsidence/family moving in/against the mortgage rules....just get rid

Get a vegetarian flatmate that owns their own hairdryer/toothpaste/scissors and has some clue about how the word works...ie. not asking your landlord to move out for the weekend because you’ve invited some shag to stay.

This has happened in the first 3 weeks?

Uh oh. She saw you coming. And you seem to have made every rooky mistake in the handbook. No references, you went on the ‘vibe’? No contract? I’m sure she was happy with that, but why were you?

You’ve heard the term ‘good fences make good neighbours’? Well multiply it by 70 for roommates. Written, clear boundaries covering everything you can think of, up front. People who do this aren’t finicky pedants, they’re people with experience in house-sharing. Start with very firm rules, and then renegotiate them a few months in based on how you get on. Maybe you discover they love housework and cant cook? Then arrange a swap of some duties. Maybe you discover their friends are cool, so relax the ‘no parties’ rules.

But never NEVER start with no rules, and find yourself trying to retrofit them 3 weeks in. Everyone was brought up differently, even within one culture. Making assumptions that everyone will define boundaries like you will, automatically, then getting resentful when they don’t is unfair.

Apologise (cos you’ve been a bad landlord), kick her out, spend a day writing those house rules and start again properly.

Worst I had, by the way, was a couple of girlfriends who lodged (my house). I went away for a week, so did they. I left before them. I came back to find pics on my fridge of their holiday in New Zealand. Wearing my clothes. Both of them, in most pics. They’d basically packed their suitcases in my room. Cheeky mares.

Point being, even with rules people will find inventive ways to leave you gobsmacked. Without rules, you’ve got no chance. Good luck on your subletting journey, your skin will toughen soon enough. Promise.

ThierryEnnui what if you invite a friend to be with you when you share the news? Would that make it easier? Because if you send a note, you'll have to speak to her sometime anyway.

Just a thought.

Don't do it over message. It will make the whole thing more awkward. I'd just tell her really sorry but my so and so is moving in and I need the room back in a month.

Skittlesandbeer you're absolutely right that everyone needs to be very clear about what's expected up front.

But you're wrong to insist the OP writes written rules.

That obviously suited you, so that's great. Absolutely you should do that.

For me, and the lodgers I had? No way, we all would have hated a list of rules!!! We're easy going and good at being frank with people. We made sure people knew the score, but written rules? No thanks. No need, if it doesn't suit you.

That's the point - it's so, so personal. It's your house. You need to be quite selfish about what suits you. I wouldn't move into a house with written rules. I'd know I'd hate it! And that's a good thing for both of us, I'm probably not your cup of tea either.

Also, giving people a contract when they're lodging isn't s smart move. You're giving them rights you don't need to. You lose more than you gain by doing that.

Get rid. Get her gone.

I had a lodger once. God that was a dark time. She was nuttier than squirrel shit, that one. Came over very nice when I interviewed her, within a week she was trying to convert me to her religion (when she had previously stated she wasn’t religious) was trying to steal my cats (closed the poor bastards in her room and went out all day when I was out at work! I came home and heard him and let him out, he’d shit all over her bedding) and tried to enforce her veganism as a house rule. Yup. Tried telling me that I wasn’t allowed to cook or keep any meat or animal products in my own flipping home.

Told her it wasn’t going to work and she had a week. Refunded her the overpaid rent and took my cat back from her car - yes, she tried taking the poor bugger to her new retreat!
Tell you what, closing the door on that crazy bitch was the best thing I ever did. She messaged for weeks after asking after ‘her’ cat and wanting to come visit him.

God that was therapeutic. Sorry. Just be aware, your crazy lodger has only shown you a portion of how bad she is. Get it gone.

• to clarify, I had two cats. One she wanted, one that liked her more than she him.

I can buckle under confrontation and can imagine myself making allowances or concessions that I wouldn’t otherwise.

You really shouldn't have lodgers then. It's a business transaction and that often requires doing face-to-face. You need to get rid of this gal, she's pisstaking massively. NFW do you leave for the weekend. FUCK that. She can change the locks, I've seen it happen on Nightmare Tenants and the owners were out of their homes for a year or more taking the twats to court.

I'd invite a mate over to tell this lodger she needs to move on.

Phew, so glad you've made the decision to get rid of her asap

She's the lodger who ends up making you feel like the lodger in your own home. I had lodgers for years and you have to get rid of people who behave like this. There's no giving them a second chance. She has flagrantly broken boundaries from the off (loudly knocking on your door and entering??) and is now making herself king pin. You can't have that in your home. Even if it was a flat share, it's still outrageous to suggest this when she's only been living there 5 minutes.

Good luck with giving her a day's notice. Keep her sweet until you get her OUT.

@ellendegeneres
"nuttier than squirrel shit" is my new saying

Tell her in the morning she needs to leave and as her and her boyfriend want to be together for the weekend, it would be ideal time for her to leave permanently. As he can help move her belongings and both of them can find a place together. The entire scenario sounds like a scam from the beginning with the supposed shared opinions.

Do a proper interview for the next flat mate and check references.

Don't soften now op!

She is bad news, get rid of her. All the kindness in the world isn't going to change her.

On the first occasion where she’d borrowed my toothpaste, she left that in her room too before leaving for work and I felt far too guilty at that time to go in, so I ended up buying a tube at the petrol station en route to work and brushing them there! It was done out of exasperation, but I can accept that I shouldn’t.

^^

No offence op, but from what you have said here it is clear why she has started and will continue to take the piss. You're a bit of a push over and she's taking advantage.

Asking you to go to a hotel for the weekend?

Are you fucking shitting me or what?

She's outta here 👉👉👉

Get rid. blatantly posting for the update

When you speak to/message her use the phrase “this is my flat and.... I dont want chicken leaving out/to stay in a hotel/to have to do all the washing up” so it’s clear.

Without any sort of contract, she probably does think it is a sublet and that your relationship is more equal than owner/lodger. Tell her. Her response will guide whether you need to push to telling her to move on or not

Bloody hell no. Get rid

Thanks all - I will be letting her know today. I’m wondering how much notice is reasonable here. For context she paid rent on the 21st Sept, so it would be due again this Sunday. The other complexity is that I’m away Sat - Tues. My cats will need feeding - either by her (!) or my neighbour (who is lovely). I worry that if I give her notice today, she may use the weekend to be a bit vengeful or do something dodgy, and that I’ll need her to feed the cats if she’s not planning to go beforehand - but equally I want it done ASAP...

I think you're right she might do something vengeful.

How does she pay rent? If by cash, don't give her notice till Tues and don't take the cash.

Otherwise - can you get a friend to stay perhaps?

You may come home to find she's changed the locks. Or stolen all your stuff. Or taken your cat. I wouldn't leave someone I barely knew, who has obvious problems with boundaries, in my house after just having evicted them.

How long is the rent for?

Naivety rent is monthly. My fear is as you’ve described - evicting her and then buggering off for a few days. Perhaps my best bet is letting her pay rent on the 21st, serving her notice when I’m back and then giving her until the end of that month’s rent period to go, refunding any of it that she won’t ‘use’?

The time you are going away - does that include the days she is having her BF there, and had offered to pay a hotel for you to stay in?

Interesting that a couple of people are horrified that OP went into the lodger's room, because actually, part of the definition of a lodger is that they do not have the right to exclude the landlord from their space. In fact, it is recommended that landlords enter a lodger's room on a regular basis (for, say, cleaning or an inspection) as otherwise the lodger could claim they in fact have a tenancy.