Is it me, or is my new flatmate batshit?

[ThierryEnnui]

Posting in Chat so this disappears eventually.

I’m almost sure I’m not BU, but I’d appreciate a sounding board before I compose a strongly worded message!

My new flatmate moved in 3 weeks ago. When I’d met her I saw no red flags - on paper she lives a similar lifestyle to me, we clicked straight away, she’s chatty etc. But within a couple of days, something in my gut just said it wasn’t quite right. On the first morning, she quite loudly knocked on my door and opened it (I was asleep) and asked to borrow a comb. I got up and found her one. 5 mins later, she wants to borrow my toothpaste. And then my hairdryer. Fine, she’s just moved in, but she’s come from another flat share so surely she had these things before?

That evening she baked chicken in so much BBQ sauce I must have burnt a week’s worth of calories scrubbing the dish (which was left on the side, not even soaking). I’m a vegetarian and she hadn’t done much to clean up the raw chicken-y mess from her meal prep: there were chunks attached to the chopping board which she’d put straight into the dishwasher.

A couple of other things:

1. I was away for the weekend and she had come into my room, taken my hairdryer again and not returned it
2. She’s taken one of the sofa scatter cushions for her bed - I didn’t know this until I went in to try and find the kitchen scissors when she was out. The kitchen scissors have turned up this evening after I asked, as they had fallen (?) into her handbag...

All of this is irritating but not a dealbreaker. Until this evening... as I got in from work she asked if she could ask me a ‘strange’ question. Sure, fire away. She very gingerly and awkwardly began to imply she’d invited a bloke over next weekend. I laughed and said ‘don’t worry!’ - it wouldn’t bother me at all. But then she came out with: ‘so would you mind if i paid for you to get a hotel for the weekend?’

I laughed awkwardly and muttered something about keeping out of their hair and that I’m a heavy sleeper so it wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel a) completely baffled and b) like I need to send her a carefully crafted message just making clear that this is my home and I found it odd. One friend’s theory is that she wants the bloke to believe it’s her own flat. Another thinks she’s got weird fetishes

I just think it’s really fucking cheeky and has kind of heightened all my irritation about the other things to the point I feel kind of uncomfortable and like I don’t want to be here! Any tips on what to say in my message would be appreciated - I want to give her a chance and I don’t want to be heavy handed, but I feel I need her to realise that it was a completely bonkers and disrespectful thing to suggest.

Get rid.
Watch single white female and GET RID.

I can’t get past the fact that she expected the homeowner to go to an hotel for the weekend while she films a porno/has a wife swapping party/ empties your whole flat (delete where applicable)

She's treating you like a fellow flatmate isn't she? And she is trying to become the Alpha-flatmate with you as a subordinate.

You need to nip it in the bud sharpish.

You did obtain references for her, from previous landlords, didn't you?

Shamefully no. I just got such good vibes from her initially I didn’t think twice. As a PP said, life lesson learned.

I also don’t have an official contract or anything - I said it was a month’s notice each way and she was happy to do that....

In hindsight I can see I’ve been a fool.

Anyone remember the film “Single White Female” with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason-Leigh?

Asking to use your comb and toothbrush (yuk!) was a bad start. God knows what she is planning. You need to tell her it isn’t working and she needs to move out!

If you go to the hotel, I reckon she'll change the locks whilst you're gone!

Echoing the 'single white female' vibes listed by other posters above.

If she pays the rent to you, surely she knows you're the owner?

Ribena you’d think, but I guess she could also be under the assumption I’m subletting.

PS give her a contract, it's going to be a vital document if you need to get rid of her. Not sure if you said you took a deposit but make sure that goes into a Deposit Protection Scheme ASAP.

Ach @ThierryEnnui

Sorry to be patronising but lesson learned, eh?

Seek advice from Citizens Advice on what to do in this type of situation or any local housing officer who may be able to give an overview of your rights in the situation?

If you give her a contract there is an obligation. At the moment she is nothing more than a lodger, with fewer rights and therefore easier to give notice gi

I would say there is a difference between a lodger and a flat mate.
Lodger the landlord/lady sets the rules.
flat mate survival of the devious !

As a flat mate I would guard my toothpaste, loo roll butter as the fuckers wouldnt buy their own.

As a land lady. This is my house and home and I dont want to have to carry loo roll to bog every time. Did this cost me a fortune in loo roll toothpaste and the like yes, but I was charging rent so had factored this in.

Dont go away for the weekend unless you have a lock for your door. She wants to use your bed.

Also it is about boundaries. Do not share combs,shoes and make up with people you dont know well.

no contract just say its not working for you and ask her to leave

dont give her a contract u dont want her to have rights to stay

you just say yovue changed your mind about renting the room

She sounds bonkers, and has no boundaries.
The cooking and not cleaning up is just sheer laziness and she's only been in your flat a few days.

Borrowing stuff like hairdryer and toothbrush that's not good but yet she can supposedly pay for you to go to a hotel?!

There's something off with this person and your gut instinct is right!
I would not let her bring any strange man to the flat this weekend.
You have absolutely no idea who this woman really is.
Tell her she can go and spend the weekend in the hotel.

I'd be giving her notice today or asap.

Why send a message? Surely it would be better to have a face to face conversation?

How weird she must be planning something, maybe a party? orgy? god knows.

Put a lock on your bedroom door and get some rules drawn up, and do this before every future lodger.

And yes she needs to clear chunks of food before putting it in dishwasher, otherwise it will get damaged.

You were wrong though to also go in her bedroom but don't let that stop you going ahead with the above.

Did she supply references? can you contact them?

Having said all the above I would still get rid asap, could turn out to be some kind of 'single white female' type character! Shudder!

ThierryEnnui I've rented rooms to lodgers lots - for a few years we rented 2 rooms to a succession of mature students, and also found people for the summer so we've lived with a fair few lodgers!

I'm one of the most easy going people you'll meet, and fair to a fault.

But I learnt that, in your own home, you do need to actively discriminate against people! This is your home. When interviewing people be really clear about what your home is like and what you expect from a lodger. (For us, that was for them to be friendly and feel it was their home, to let us know if someone was coming over to stay and if they wanted to share food, all the better. But - we're not the tidiest people. I learnt to be REALLY upfront about that and once we were, we got lodgers who were happy with that).

This lodger is playing weird games with you. Don't waste time trying to work her out, you're not her boss, you don't have to be fair to her.

This is your home. Leaving raw chicken about is bad enough, the rest of it is just plain weird.

You don't need to give her a reason, just say it's not working for you. If you don't want to say that, say you have a friend who needs the room from x date.

She has very few rights as a lodger, just give her notice and ask her to leave.

Beware though. I suspect she may be difficult about leaving.

I'd probably be tempted to tell her a friend needs the room in your shoes. And actually involve a friend in being - not to pretend they're moving in, that can be a fictional friend! - but to be in the house in the run up to her leaving, so you have someone to back you up if she gets odd about it.

You own the flat. Stop pussy footing around. Its quite simple set some boundaries and start by telling her you own the flat, tell her not to go into your room and she needs to start cleaning up after herself or she can move out. I wouldn't even engage in a discussion about the hotel nonsense.

For future lodgers, sure, get a reference if you like, but I know people can fake them.

I used to research my lodgers online. It's amazing what you can find out with Google and a bit of Facebook stalking. It's not something I do in every day life, but as we were moving people into our home, with the kids, I didn't want to take any chances.

I weeded out a racist and a crazy fundamentalist Christian that way. Both had seemed lovely in RL.

DownThePan that's bad advice. The lodger is not a tenant.

She has no rights. The OP shouldn't hand her any!

she needs to start cleaning up after herself or she can move out

Why bother? She obviously likes pushing boundaries. She's unlikely to stop because the OP asks her. If she's playing a game, she'll start up in different ways. That way madness lies!

She needs to go.

Thanks naivety - all taken on board! My previous lodger was fabulous, and still a great friend (she moved out as she’s helping her mum with caring for her stepdad). I think because I’d had such a great experience with her, I was quite naive in making the decision this time around.

I think you are going to have to use the old 'sorry but this isn't going to work out long term my sister/brother/cousin/school friend is coming to stay for a few months so I need the room back' good luck.

Time for the big girl pants and a frank conversation.