Is it me, or is my new flatmate batshit?

[ThierryEnnui]

Posting in Chat so this disappears eventually.

I’m almost sure I’m not BU, but I’d appreciate a sounding board before I compose a strongly worded message!

My new flatmate moved in 3 weeks ago. When I’d met her I saw no red flags - on paper she lives a similar lifestyle to me, we clicked straight away, she’s chatty etc. But within a couple of days, something in my gut just said it wasn’t quite right. On the first morning, she quite loudly knocked on my door and opened it (I was asleep) and asked to borrow a comb. I got up and found her one. 5 mins later, she wants to borrow my toothpaste. And then my hairdryer. Fine, she’s just moved in, but she’s come from another flat share so surely she had these things before?

That evening she baked chicken in so much BBQ sauce I must have burnt a week’s worth of calories scrubbing the dish (which was left on the side, not even soaking). I’m a vegetarian and she hadn’t done much to clean up the raw chicken-y mess from her meal prep: there were chunks attached to the chopping board which she’d put straight into the dishwasher.

A couple of other things:

1. I was away for the weekend and she had come into my room, taken my hairdryer again and not returned it
2. She’s taken one of the sofa scatter cushions for her bed - I didn’t know this until I went in to try and find the kitchen scissors when she was out. The kitchen scissors have turned up this evening after I asked, as they had fallen (?) into her handbag...

All of this is irritating but not a dealbreaker. Until this evening... as I got in from work she asked if she could ask me a ‘strange’ question. Sure, fire away. She very gingerly and awkwardly began to imply she’d invited a bloke over next weekend. I laughed and said ‘don’t worry!’ - it wouldn’t bother me at all. But then she came out with: ‘so would you mind if i paid for you to get a hotel for the weekend?’

I laughed awkwardly and muttered something about keeping out of their hair and that I’m a heavy sleeper so it wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel a) completely baffled and b) like I need to send her a carefully crafted message just making clear that this is my home and I found it odd. One friend’s theory is that she wants the bloke to believe it’s her own flat. Another thinks she’s got weird fetishes

I just think it’s really fucking cheeky and has kind of heightened all my irritation about the other things to the point I feel kind of uncomfortable and like I don’t want to be here! Any tips on what to say in my message would be appreciated - I want to give her a chance and I don’t want to be heavy handed, but I feel I need her to realise that it was a completely bonkers and disrespectful thing to suggest.

Thanks Jayfee, I think you’re right. I’ll bite the bullet when I’m back.

Perhaps she wants you gone for the weekend so that she and her bf can smoke weed or something?! It's a very strange request.

Not sure I'd kick her out for it though. I'd try to have a more direct conversation about acceptable boundaries and behaviour, give her a contract and if things done improve within a certain time period then give her notice.

I had a lodger (in my own house) who thought she could treat me like a sister - taking my things (even knickers!!) and having no boundaries at all - but a happy, jolly hockey sticks kind of way
I went on holiday and came back to find she had had her boyfriend over the whole time - in MY room - and instead of looking after my cats, apparently locked them out as the boyfriend was allergic!! Thank heavens my neighbour fed them for me outside!! I was lucky they didn't run away!!
When back, I put a lock on my door AND on the phone (massive phone bill)
She also had a variety of men staying over who I met in my kitchen next morning - problem was, she met them at the social club I worked at in the evenings! So I knew most of them - and their regular partner!! She couldn't understand when I told her to go - she thought we were having a"smashing" time!! 🙄

Put a lock on your bedroom and put your toothpaste (and brush) in there!!

Are you often away weekends?

It may be that the guy is going to think it's her place, but given you know very little about her I'd be nervous she was having people around to potentially let the other room in 'her' house.

It happened to a friend of mine recently - he has a lodger because he's away Thursday to Monday. Guy moved in and seemed fine. Another friend then found an advert on gumtree. He was having viewers around on the Saturdays, giving them a date 2/3 months in the future and taking a deposit for 'their' room. Friend has had 4 people turn up to move in so far.

The thing is, you shouldn’t have to put a lock on your bedroom in your own house. If she has only just moved in and is behaving this way already it can only get worse. She clearly will not clean up after herself so do you want to keep doing that? Who puts chicken pieces in the dishwasher? You won’t be able to change her with rules. She is how she is.

Just get rid. It’s not worth the hassle and stress. Plenty of normal lodgers out there.

She's asking you to leave your house while she has a bloke over?

Be very careful! She could do anything whilst you're away

I’m in half a mind to text her today just for some clarity on WTF she wanted me gone for. But then if it is something nefarious she’s hardly going to be honest.

For now, I’ve not said anything or text her, I’ll wait until I’m home on Tuesday and concoct my plan from there. Urgh, it’s so shit feeling so uncomfortable!

Do nothing for now to rattle her, she's unhinged and shameless.
BUT get your ducks in a row.

lala I’m not away particularly often - maybe a weekend every couple of months. Last week I was away on holiday with my sister for 4 nights. I do spend quite a lot of time away from the flat - I have a busy Mon-Fri job and like to get out in the evenings, gym, pub quiz, cinema etc. So perhaps she’s getting a bit comfortable with the amount of time I’m not there? I really don’t know. I’m totally baffled. Rang my sister at lunchtime and she laughed at the ridiculousness of it all!

If you are in Scotland you need to give her 4 week notice .

I’m in England

Try not to get too worried or stressed. Five years from now (my way of controlling nerves) she will just be someone you laugh about with your friends.

It is quite ridiculous but I wouldn't panic! She's already had plenty of opportunity to do something psycho but it sounds like she's just a bit rude and annoying.

I think your plan above makes sense, mention when you get back and give her 2 weeks, take the rent and refund at the end. Put this in writing as well as a conversation. Make it clear you own the flat during this conversation too.

Ask your neighbour to feed the cat this weekend so someone else is about other than batshit tennant!

Good was just checking .

Maybe she’s inviting your boyfriend around?

Seriously though, yes, batshit.

Get rid of her, she's going to be more trouble than a sack of cats as you can already feel. As you're veggie, find a veggie flatsharer, meat eaters like me can upset you unintentionally by not paying enough attention to veg concerns. On no account allow her to hide you in a hotel, if she wants privacy she can take him there. Good luck.

Tell her it's not working.

Echoing what others are saying.

She sounds like a nutcase.

Pacific Heights.

How's it going @ThierryEnnui ??

So I got home last night. Before I left, I sent her a message asking her for a bit more of an explanation (sweetening the awkward pill by saying I hoped she didn’t feel uncomfortable around me). She phoned me immediately and said it came from a place of respect, that she understands it’s my home and she was so sorry, realised she was off the mark etc. Still no real explanation as to why she couldn’t have gone to the hotel, but I thought ok, strike 1.

Whilst I’ve been away she’s smashed a wine glass - it happens, I get it - but just put the broken glass in the bin and not mentioned it. Firstly I could have cut myself badly taking the bins out (she’s not taken them out once, just over stuffs the bin), and secondly, just drop me a message and let me know you’ll replace them, surely? Is that me being precious?

The sink is also full of dirty pots and pans again, and her socks are off by the telly where she’s left them all day. I’m absolutely not the neatest person in the world, but I treat my own house better than she is. Whilst I was away I thought I’d give her another chance but tonight has annoyed me and now I think I need to really consider giving her notice to go...

She should definitely replace the glass, or at least offered so if you laughed it off and said 'don't worry' then you'd be in the clear with each other.

Socks...I'd just take them and bung them in her room.

Do you get on OK otherwise?

The dirty dishes and overstuffed bin would annoy me most. You need to either get rid of her or have a chat about cleaning - a cleaning rota, where it's clear the kitchen should be clean and tidied every evening, and bin taken out promptly. She sounds tedious. Out of interest (I know it doesn't mean much) how old are you both?

Marmighty she’s 29, I’m 27.