Is it me, or is my new flatmate batshit?

[ThierryEnnui]

Posting in Chat so this disappears eventually.

I’m almost sure I’m not BU, but I’d appreciate a sounding board before I compose a strongly worded message!

My new flatmate moved in 3 weeks ago. When I’d met her I saw no red flags - on paper she lives a similar lifestyle to me, we clicked straight away, she’s chatty etc. But within a couple of days, something in my gut just said it wasn’t quite right. On the first morning, she quite loudly knocked on my door and opened it (I was asleep) and asked to borrow a comb. I got up and found her one. 5 mins later, she wants to borrow my toothpaste. And then my hairdryer. Fine, she’s just moved in, but she’s come from another flat share so surely she had these things before?

That evening she baked chicken in so much BBQ sauce I must have burnt a week’s worth of calories scrubbing the dish (which was left on the side, not even soaking). I’m a vegetarian and she hadn’t done much to clean up the raw chicken-y mess from her meal prep: there were chunks attached to the chopping board which she’d put straight into the dishwasher.

A couple of other things:

1. I was away for the weekend and she had come into my room, taken my hairdryer again and not returned it
2. She’s taken one of the sofa scatter cushions for her bed - I didn’t know this until I went in to try and find the kitchen scissors when she was out. The kitchen scissors have turned up this evening after I asked, as they had fallen (?) into her handbag...

All of this is irritating but not a dealbreaker. Until this evening... as I got in from work she asked if she could ask me a ‘strange’ question. Sure, fire away. She very gingerly and awkwardly began to imply she’d invited a bloke over next weekend. I laughed and said ‘don’t worry!’ - it wouldn’t bother me at all. But then she came out with: ‘so would you mind if i paid for you to get a hotel for the weekend?’

I laughed awkwardly and muttered something about keeping out of their hair and that I’m a heavy sleeper so it wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel a) completely baffled and b) like I need to send her a carefully crafted message just making clear that this is my home and I found it odd. One friend’s theory is that she wants the bloke to believe it’s her own flat. Another thinks she’s got weird fetishes

I just think it’s really fucking cheeky and has kind of heightened all my irritation about the other things to the point I feel kind of uncomfortable and like I don’t want to be here! Any tips on what to say in my message would be appreciated - I want to give her a chance and I don’t want to be heavy handed, but I feel I need her to realise that it was a completely bonkers and disrespectful thing to suggest.

From my extensive personal experience with flatmates, there's always a honeymoon period. This is your honeymoon period. It will not get better.

Give her the notice required on her contract and then get back on Spareroom...

Fair enough on the comments about going in for the scissors. FWIW, I didn’t root around. On the first occasion where she’d borrowed my toothpaste, she left that in her room too before leaving for work and I felt far too guilty at that time to go in, so I ended up buying a tube at the petrol station en route to work and brushing them there! It was done out of exasperation, but I can accept that I shouldn’t.

Get rid.

It is BIZARRE that she thinks its okay to ask you to leave your own home for the weekend and stay in a hotel.

Why did she move out of her previous place(s)?

Beware strange boxes arriving from Lovehoney.
They will contain S&M bondage gear and such like.
Your home is going to be transformed op.
You obviously won't fit quite in so she is trying to pack you off to a hotel.
Also packages from B&Q with the hardware required to fix the equipment necessary to your walls +ceilings.

You need a new lodger imo.
Unless you are intrigued enough to stay home?

Throw her out. She's trouble.

Yes, it’s a very strange thing to ask someone and does indicate she is a bit mad. No boundaries.

The hotel room conversation dried up quite and finished quite awkwardly but I wish I’d had the balls to press her for why exactly she wants me gone for the weekend? I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m struggling. Could I approach it as, “have I done something to make you uncomfortable?” or does that put her in a position of power over me IYSWIM?

You don’t need to give her notice as she’s a lodger. Get rid. Who the fuck does she think she is asking you to get a hotel when it’s your flat? Wtaf?! Why would she not just get a hotel herself if she’s that precious? Weird. The chicken thing would annoy the shit out of me as a vegetarian and she should not be walking into your room without you opening the door. Weird, weird.

it's not you - it's her. You need to be assertive Op. if she's behaving like this now, what will she be like in a few months time? Not sure what legal arrangement you've got but you need to end it immediately and then, before you get anyone else in, get a watertight agreement for any future lodgers.

Ribena she said she wanted more space and to be closer to work. We both work in the same town about 10 miles away, so it made sense.

Put a lock on your door.

Lay some ground rules.

Does she know that you're the flat owner, not just another lodger?

I'm another in the 'get rid' camp. She sounds like an obliviously entitled only child who's just moved out of either home or an all-friends flat share. She needs a sharp awakening, but it's not your duty to give it to her.

I don't know how easy it is to find lodgers where you live, but feeling comfortable in my own home is very important to me and in your shoes I would be pretty keen to get rid of her.

Things like cleaning up after herself are easily enough dealt with just by talking to her (she may not have appreciated that as a vegetarian you aren't keen on clearing up meat) but the whole hotel thing would freak me out a bit.

Hope this isn’t a dripfeed but she prefaced the hotel request with a “I hope this doesn’t offend you”, so I’m sure she knows it’s not a normal thing to be asking.

Don't engage OP. Her 'values' in asking you to move out are so off the scale that there's no point.

Simply tell her that you realise that this isn't working for you so she'll need to move out by...... Rinse and repeat.

I have lodgers. If any of them went in my bedroom when I was out, they'd get notice immediately. She has no boundaries. Get rid of her.

I would definitely ask why she doesn't want to be the one to go to the hotel. Out of curiosity if nothing else!

Does she know that you're the flat owner, not just another lodger?

I hadn’t thought about that until reading some of the replies here. I guess it’d be more palatable in her mind if I were another renter? I can’t remember if I specified I owned the flat when I initially interviewed her 😕

...and stay out of her room, too!

And yes to a (temporary) lock on your door and a swift hiding of anything of great value that you couldn't bear to lose. Then change your locks when she's gone and move on with a life lesson learned.

Years ago my flatmate ‘borrowed’ stuff from my room on a couple of occasions.
When he questioned why I’d started locking my bedroom door I actually wondered how often he was going in there when I was out.
Made me feel really uncomfortable.

Aye she’s nuts.

Anyone remember the episode of Friends with “Eddie” the replacement flatmate Chandler got to replace Joey?

THAT.

Get rid.

Do not move into a hotel, you don't know what you will come back to. I would just say this isn't really working out and give her notice, then change the locks and take photos of everything valuable.

You did obtain references for her, from previous landlords, didn't you?

Of course they may not tell you much if they were keen to get rid. But the tone, or what isn't there, might tell you something. Previous landlord, not the one she's leaving, is often more forthcoming.