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Original poster

Could you send your 13 year old away to boarding school?

266 replies

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 18:58

If offered a full scholarship to an outstanding boarding school 150 miles away? If there was no way you could afford private education and your child was quite remarkably bright? The alternative is a good local comprehensive. Would you even consider it?

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 18/09/2018 20:16

Could, and did. It worked really well for us and it was the right school for DS.

The teenage years can be very difficult and defining. I'm not sure I'd want to be away from my DS, or him away from me, at this time in particular

Adolescence angst is very much about being torn between wanting to get away from your (mean, horrible) parents and being scared of venturing out on your own. Giving them some time away from you but in a protected environment, can be very positive for them. The idea that it will damage your relationship and you will miss out huge chunks of their development is an over exaggeration. I’m really close to my DS, who just now has moved the cat so he can sit closer to me. Even full boarding, they are home every two to three weeks. Teenagers are not always very communicative, but he used to tell me so much when we were in car coming home from school I really never felt I had missed out, even though I missed him when he was away.

There is no right or wrong, just what works for your family. If she wants to go, I would seriously consider letting her.
.

Stupomax · 18/09/2018 20:28

TonTonMacoute - this is our experience too. It's so interesting talking to other parents who've been through this.

My younger two absolutely do not want to boarding school, but my oldest loves it. I just put her on the bus back there today, and seeing her running off to catch up with all her friends at the bus stop, while I chatted to the other parents, reminded me what an amazing place it is for her and the people who have chosen to go there.

Of the 150 kids at her school, I'd say less than 10 were 'sent' there by their parents. Most were just looking for the school that would meet their needs. Luckily it exists, it's funded by the local state, and it's relatively non-selective.

notacooldad · 18/09/2018 23:02

No.
*It doesn't sit well with me to then suggest that degree of separation with my own DC. But DD isn't an average adolescent
To me it doesn't matter if she isn't your average adolescent or not. I wouldn't want that separation as my child was entering their teen years. I found that our kids need me and DP more than ever during this time.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds General education Private schooling Secondary education
spinabifidamom · 18/09/2018 23:15

We have talked about this. I feel that boarding school is not a bad thing in the long run. But I’m leaning towards a mainstream one more than a special needs one for academic and personal reasons. Of which I have a huge list.

I see it as a chance for the kids to be stretched and challenged appropriately as well. Can you afford it however? Irregardless it’s always a good idea to have a list of questions to ask. Call the school and arrange for a tour of the place. Don’t forget about homework etc either.

Go for a visit and see if the kids are engaged in lessons or not. Find out about the after school clubs and activities on offer. Gather as much information as you can find.

Take a look at the website of the school you’re considering. Talk with parents, staff members, children and the principal too. Also make sure that you trust your gut feeling about the school. Read any school policies carefully.

Listen to the gossip. By all means read the inspection report on the school but remember to be objective. After all it was written by a stranger technically speaking. Also if there are any curriculum booklets available on the website I recommend reading them in addition. Same goes for menus. Explain everything to the school and see if they can help you with financial assistance or not.

tubella1 · 19/09/2018 05:10

I too went to boarding school, from 9th through 12th grade and was not only proud to graduate but also had 'the time of my life!' And Today they are not only my best memories but I have friends, who are more like 'sisters' to me. My parents are gone now but I Still thank them, and are forever grateful to them for giving me a once in a lifetime opportunity, and one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Smile

Downeyhouse · 19/09/2018 05:19

My ds went at 10 and thrived.

We were posted overseas and he has SEN so for those few years it was the best solution for him.

He thrived and matured.

MrsCountless · 19/09/2018 05:28

No. I went to boarding school and would never ever send a child. It could damage your relationship forever.

Could you move nearer the school and send her as a day pupil? Opportunity without the damage of being away from your loved ones and people who actually love and care about you.

Notveryadventurousname · 19/09/2018 05:53

The key to this seems to be that your DD wants to go and has an independent character. I would support it, let her go to the boarding school and if it doesn't work out, she could transfer back to state at the end of the year. I would take the opportunity that is here and now, she has obviously done extremely well to get this offer. If you wait for sixth form, circumstances may change and she may not get a scholarship at that stage.

Notveryadventurousname · 19/09/2018 05:57

Also, with phones, Skype etc for the time in between visits home, you can be as up to date and in touch with her as as many people with a teen DD at home.

avocadoincident · 19/09/2018 06:01

Absolutely not

MrsCountless · 19/09/2018 06:13

Of course you can’t be in touch as you would be at home.

She may develop the shell: a veneer of confidence and independence; the brave face to stop you worrying.

Yes, she says she wants to go. But one can have no idea about the boarding school life prior to experiencing it.

I’d also consider that your values and finances might make her a fish out of water with the other pupils, depending on their likely backgrounds. Or result in her having a very different outlook on the world.

Notasunnybunny · 19/09/2018 07:25

She sounds like she wants to go, why not try it? Boarding is not what it used to be, my ds has boarded since he was 8, he chose it, loves it and wouldn’t want to be home full time. It’s a great balance of life and ‘work’. He lives with his mates, home is special and something he apprieciates. If it isn’t right for her that will come out in her first year if not term and no one is going to force her to stay.

FabulousTomatoes · 19/09/2018 08:14

All those saying that it’s fine if your dd changes her mind and can gonna back to state school at the end of the year...

Errr well, not exactly. If she’s in Y9 she will miss a whole year of the GCSE syllabus, because they start earlier at state school. It’s far easier to transfer to private at the end of Y9 than the other way around.

Your dd sounds super bright and quite edgy. I’ve no doubt she would ‘thrive’ (I hate that word Grin) at an excellent comprehensive.

FabulousTomatoes · 19/09/2018 08:15

Go not gonna obviously Grin

FabulousTomatoes · 19/09/2018 08:17

And don’t forget they usually do less GCSEs in private schools (hence better results?). The kids at privates around here do an average 9-10, whereas in the state schools the average is 11-12 (sometimes they go up to 13).

MarshaBradyo · 19/09/2018 08:24

Ha feel the same about thrive

The word itself and because all the parents would go on about their children thriving! as the students walked off homesick as hell

Contact isn’t the same as being in your own home, this would apply to an adult too

I’m not totally against weekly at 13, although I’m very glad I don’t have to make that decision, but parents gloss over things more than the reality

MarshaBradyo · 19/09/2018 08:24

I wouldn’t switch either

MirandaWest · 19/09/2018 08:32

I have a very nearly 13 year old DD (I think the OP says somewhere that her DD is nearly 13 so am presuming year 8).

I really don’t known what I’d do in this situation. Would hate DD to be 150 miles away which I presume would mean no regular weekend visits. But would I be thinking of me more than her? Possibly.

If she weren’t at a good comprehensive then that would probably sway my thoughts to, but she is and I feel is doing pretty well there. Could she do better - I don’t know.

I don’t envy you your decision and I hope between you it all works out Smile

Miladymilord · 19/09/2018 08:35

If she got a full (do you mean bursary?) to an excellent boraidng school 150 miles away I'd be looking for a nearer one.

thebellsofsaintclements · 19/09/2018 08:43

No way, unless it was a vocational school. It's much too big a risk to take at 13, and for an academically bright girl there will be tons of opportunities to develop anyway. What are her social skills like OP?

bellabelly · 19/09/2018 08:43

Sounds like a fantastic opportunity. Just be careful to check out the terms and conditions of the scholarship. A local boarding school (well known and prestigious) offers a scholarship each year for a local state school student BUT they are not allowed home at weekends and they have to stay until end of 6th form or become liable for fees (backdated to start of year 7). It's not possible to try it out and see how she goes unless you are prepared to take her out if she doesn't enjoy it. I only know about this because a friend's very bright dd was encouraged to apply for the scholarship.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 19/09/2018 09:33

You've all helped massively.

I wouldn't consider other independent schools for a host of reasons with which I shan't bore you but suffice to say, I don't think independent vs state is really my issue because even if offered her pick of all local independents, I would still choose her current comprehensive. The advantage to her would be negligible and the social repercussions, fraught. I also can't afford uniform, trips, extras etc. This opportunity would be accessible for DD. Local independents are not.

As others have said, we cannot just change our minds once the decision is made. We simply can't afford the financial repercussions.

My gut feeling and dd's gut feeling after long discussion is that a good comprehensive is sufficient right now. I'm going to sit on it for the rest of the week and ask DD again. Then we really do have to make a decision.

OP posts:
Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 19/09/2018 09:41

Good luck show

Its incredibly hard Flowers

Miladymilord · 19/09/2018 09:43

It's tough. Can you visit knowing you have the place?

notacooldad · 19/09/2018 10:16

Whilst I understand the benefits of going to boarding school what would put me off is the child missing out on day to day family life.
I absolutely loved my kids being teens and we still use the same family jokes and memories. It's about the shared family history that's important to me and as it turns out my boys.
However everyone has different perspectives and there is nothing wrong with that.
It's interesting to see people's different point of views.

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