Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Could you send your 13 year old away to boarding school?

266 replies

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 18:58

If offered a full scholarship to an outstanding boarding school 150 miles away? If there was no way you could afford private education and your child was quite remarkably bright? The alternative is a good local comprehensive. Would you even consider it?

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 18/09/2018 06:32

How did you find out about the possibility of boarding school? Was it more led by you or your DD?

rockofages · 18/09/2018 07:16

Yes definitely take up the place. You are a loving mum who will always prioritise your child’s happiness by the sound of it. Encourage her to go and try it. It is not a prison and after a couple of terms you and she will know if it is right for her. She will probably do very well wherever she goes but this is an opportunity not to be missed. In my experience most teens live in their bedrooms so you’ll probably see more of her in the holidays and weekends off than the rest of us do with our resident teens. Good luck. Seize the day!

Spikeyball · 18/09/2018 08:55

My son is 13 and I would consider it if I thought the long term outcome would be better than if he stayed at home. He has severe sn though so it is a different situation. In yours I would only do it if I thought it was something the child really wanted to do.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds General education Private schooling Secondary education
CoraPirbright · 18/09/2018 09:00

In a heartbeat. If she wants to go then absolutely. And what a scholarship!! SUCH an opportunity!! And even full boarding isnt really like it used to be. You will probably see her most w/e’s when there are matches etc on.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 18/09/2018 09:16

This really does polarize opinion doesn't it?

I was told about the school and the scholarship by her primary school who are a lot of the reason she is who she is.

It would be a different story if she were unhappy where's she is but she isn't. Her high school is good, academically sound (one of the only schools locally to have two DC achieve 10 grade 9s and a 77% 9-6 score if anybody is counting). They are VERY good at her specialist subject and she's being stretched as she should be. However, there are of course limits to what they can offer.

A large part of me thinks that she will thrive regardless and she's where she is on her own merit. That will continue whatever happens because she's self motivated and bright.

And can I just state for the record, it isn't that I don't think I can do it because of my own emotional stability but that I don't think it's necessarily the right choice for her. Not with a good school locally and a stable family. Not at age 13. In all of this, I'm thinking of her.

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 18/09/2018 09:22

Worst days of my life-- 9 to 15

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 18/09/2018 09:24

@ShowOfHands my sister went from a normal school to private again because of her primary school.

She's now working for the government and went to a top uni (st Andrews) and she's very aware that what have her the edge over other was that her due to the private school name on the CV. That's what stood her out from the rest

The private schools also do much better networking and she managed to find work placement in places local schools just can't offer (law firms in London and Hong Kong where her favourites).

Furrycushion · 18/09/2018 09:24

It's a strange time of year for this to come up. Is it for next year or would she start now? That's something to be considered if others are already settled.

Batteriesallgone · 18/09/2018 09:40

Yes I think I would.

My children are younger so I can’t say for sure what I would do but as others have said, once you get into teen years emotional availability from parents is much more about the relationship between you than physical presence.

As long as you put thought into how you are going to create opportunities for her to decompress / talk to you about anything that is bothering her, I’d say go for it.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 09:48

It is an opportunity, and one that in the end you may live to regret. Your socialist values are your values and that is fine, your dd may have different values to you and come to resent you for holding her back later in life.

Boarding is tough going, the first term in particular but if she is prepared well for the change and wants to go, then I would absolutely 'give it a go' Internally (I would tell her this) I would give it one year and see how it goes, and if she is happy she continues, and if she isn't you can change her back to a local school. Either way the experience will be enlightening for her.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 09:48

*wouldn't tell her

Ilovecrumpets · 18/09/2018 09:55

Hi OP

I can see what a tough decision this is for you. I actually had this happen to me as a child and my parents decided not to send me ( actually partly because of socialist principles - which I agree do matter if it is part of the moral background and belief system in which you raise your children). It was a while ago now so I accept things may be very different - but I continued to do well at my local comp and really excelled and loved university where I truly got to stretch myself acaedemically. I’m not sure how helpful personal anecdotes are really as it is so dependant on the individual child, but I guess looking back I do feel I benefited from being part of a diverse group of children with a wide range of abilities and backgrounds. That it grounded me in how to get on with people who were different to me and also that learning and acaedemics aren’t everything? I loved my school years and I loved my university years.

Having said that who knows maybe I’d also have loved boarding! It’s a very tough decision, sending you good luck.

Ilovecrumpets · 18/09/2018 10:00

Although I may have learned to spell better at boarding school Grin

4forkssake · 18/09/2018 10:04

You said originally you'd want to move closer. Is the school just a boarding school or do they have day pupils? If it's the latter & moving is a possibility, maybe look into that. Even if she boarded for a while while you looked to move. If it's just a boarding school, there may still be an opportunity to come home at weekends if you lived closer. My DS goes to a private boarding school but is a day pupil, but he does have friends who are weekly & term time boarders. He'd hate it but some of these kids have know no different since they were younger.

Original poster
ShowOfHands · 18/09/2018 10:15

I didn't say I'd move closer. That's not really an option.

Ilovecrumpets, thank you. That's a really useful perspective.

Sorry to be brief. I am at work.

OP posts:
nornironrock · 18/09/2018 10:33

Full scholarship?

If she wants to go, yes. In a heartbeat.

What a fantastic, and rare opportunity! Passing it up may be something you and she regret forever.

We regret the things we didn't do way more than the things we did.

ForalltheSaints · 18/09/2018 11:36

I would not send a child of any age to boarding school, unless it was because I was working abroad (forces or diplomatic service). Some have benefited, but I have known far too many people who have been harmed for life.

VeryBerrySeptember · 18/09/2018 11:39

I'd hate it but it has to be considered from their point of view.

Underparmummy · 18/09/2018 11:53

At 13 I think she should have a big voice in this. This is a big opportunity to turn down if you ask me.

I'd at least try it.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/09/2018 11:59

I think I would (and I say that as someone home educating one of their children) if they really wanted to go. I had the option to go for a scholarship and didn’t, because I knew it wasn’t what my mum wanted (although it was allegedly my “choice”) and really didn’t have a happy time at my local comp. However good the local school is, theology and philosophy aren’t “cool”. I’m not saying it would, or should, be an easy decision, but I think you should let her make it.

akkakk · 18/09/2018 12:07

My father was anti-boarding as the result of having been sent away very young himself (aged 7) and having hardly got to know his parents before his father died when he (my father) was 17. So he didn't want us to board - even though it was the family tradition for generations...

I had the option aged 10 and was asked by him whether I wanted to or not, and chose not - and went to a great local school (still private)...

Looking back (and having spent 6 years as a governor of a boarding public school, and 3 years as governor of a state boarding school) I do wonder what difference it would have made - how my life would have been different - but... I had a very happy childhood, and ultimately knew that my parents loved me etc. - so am very content with the choices that were made...

make the choice based on her needs but also the family needs - you sound as though you have other children, boarding for her will affect them as well - doing what is right for a whole family and matching it with what is right for an individual is very difficult - but then being in society means that what is perfect for any one individual doesn't happen very often - there is a lot of compromise...

either way could work really well - but you all need to be on board with it as a family...

Chocolala · 18/09/2018 12:08

Yes if she wants to go.

MadMaryBoddington · 18/09/2018 12:22

My mother had an academic opportunity denied her by her parents because ‘family was more important than education’ and they wanted her at home. Very different time and different circumstances, but she was never able to fulfill her potential as a result and remained frustrated her whole life. I don’t think she ever really forgave her parents for that. I would be mindful of your daughter feeling she has missed a golden opportunity.

zzzzz · 18/09/2018 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhubarbCrumbled · 18/09/2018 13:10

My son has just gone away to board at 8yo as he was offered an amazing opportunity as a chorister. I didn't want him to go at all and I'm struggling with him being gone. He comes home on a weekend but it's very short and as I'm separated from his dad I only see him properly every other weekend. I'm worried what will happen to his relationship with his brother who is unlikely to follow him to the school. My family is on the socialist non-religious end of the scale so it doesn't sit well with any of my family.

But he was the one who sat me down and told me he wanted to go. I know he's going to thrive there as he's very bright and musically talented. It was very much head over heart. I spoke to the school and boarding house parents and other parents several times and at length to make sure he would be looked after. I've made it very clear that I support him and want what it best but if at any time he changes his mind then we'll talk about it and work out what to do next.

It's such a hard choice and feel free to PM me if you need to talk about it.