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Original poster

Could you send your 13 year old away to boarding school?

266 replies

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2018 18:58

If offered a full scholarship to an outstanding boarding school 150 miles away? If there was no way you could afford private education and your child was quite remarkably bright? The alternative is a good local comprehensive. Would you even consider it?

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 18/09/2018 13:13

Hard one
In theory it sounds good
In practise I don’t know if I could

Assuming they wanted to, if not no way

Although someone else doing all the cooking sounds nice

MarshaBradyo · 18/09/2018 13:14

13 is the youngest I’d consider though

MarshaBradyo · 18/09/2018 13:15

You know if she’s that bright she’ll oribably end up where you’d like her to- unless you feel the school is holding her back?

Then again she got the scholarship after state schooling so it can’t be that bad

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Talith · 18/09/2018 13:18

No from me. When my son's had a bad day it's at 9pm after lights out that he'll tell me. He can still sneak in for a cuddle if he's down. And he makes me tea! I'd hate to miss out on all those mundane daily parenting and family moments.

aperolspritzplease · 18/09/2018 13:25

If they wanted to go then yes - what am amazing opportunity. I'd be horribly upset though.

itbemay · 18/09/2018 13:25

I couldn't do it, I would miss him and I know that's selfish, but I don't think he would want to go either. If he really did then of course i'd think about it!

RomanyRoots · 18/09/2018 13:28

Yes I would and yes we did, mine was 11 and she is absolutely thriving.
Her school is for musicians though not gifted academically, it's what she wanted.
We still get plenty of time together when she is at home, and friends comment on how we make the most of the time, whereas their kids come home and hardly spend any time with their parents like most teens.
Best of both worlds, go for it, what a great opportunity and social mobility at it's best if you're poor like us.

MountainWitch · 18/09/2018 13:36

I would consider it only for a vocational type school (like the Royal Ballet School) which really is a different kettle of fish.

I boarded at a very lovely, small school. It was a happy experience but by no means essential and I wouldn't do it for my own children. (Unless they want to be ballet dancers I suppose!)

CheeseTheDay · 18/09/2018 13:37

After the lip that DD1 (13) gave me yesterday, yes I would, in a heartbeat! Wink

Seriously though, if it was what any of our children wanted, then DH and I would allow them to attend.

DH and I both attended a boarding school from the age of 13, in fact it's where we met, and first started dating at the tender age of 14. However, even without that, I had the most amazing time, and DH did too. This was in the early-to-mid 90's, and even back then, boarding school was nothing like it once was. People still believe it's 'dumping your kids there and leaving them to it', but parents are expected to be engaged, and be in regular contact with their children. I know that those in charge of pastoral care at our old school, would soon be contacting parents to raise concerns, if they felt the parent wasn't being as involved as they should.

DS1 (15) was offered a boarding place at mine and DH's old school, but his final choice was to attend as a day pupil at a school close to home, which is also a boarding school. He attended the junior (pre-prep/prep) part of this school, so ultimately he chose to continue at the same school. DD1 made that same choice.

0rlaith · 18/09/2018 13:42

In your situation , Op, I would send her at 6th form.

stealthsquiggle · 18/09/2018 13:52

Yes. I would. I did (without the scholarship!)

FWIW, I think my relationship with my boarding DC is different, but no less close, than it would be if he were at home. I miss him, he misses us, we both tell each other that, but he is in the right place for him right now.

..and I don’t have to nag him about getting up / catching buses / doing homework / going to bed Grin

It’s not the same as it was for our generation in terms of separation. I am in constant touch with him, by whatever means works.

Big requirement, though, OP - the school has to be right for her, and that means, given that she’s academic, that culturally it is cool to be clever and, even more so, cool to work hard. You can’t buy that and it’s by no means at all “top schools”

HappyBusy · 18/09/2018 14:19

I worked at a boarding school for some years and at the time thought it worked well for some children. Now I’ve got my own (all under ten) there’s no way I could let them go for a long time, I agree about it being the mundane parts of daily life that build a family bond. However, I did think the children that waited till 13 to start coped the best and got the most out of it. Sixth form would be great. I do believe there are ‘boarding school characteristics’ that a lot of people who’ve been to bs develop, outer confidence and independence but I often think that can disguise a lack of inner happiness and self belief. There’s no denying teenagers are less likely to be comfortable showing raw emotions to the nicest, most capable houseparents than their own family.

happinessiseggshaped · 18/09/2018 14:32

Couple of things - if she is full scholarship and you can't afford the fees, how many other scholarship kids do they have compared to fee paying? I went to a private day school on a scholarship and being one of the poor kids wasn't fun. Although I wasn't poor at all, but teens aren't great for perspective and it always felt that way.

Secondly, the great local comp she is at now - what is the chance if she leaves and changes her mind in a year that she will actually get a place again? Does it have quite a bit of space? If not personally I wouldn't risk it. If you move her in Year 9 (assuming she is year 9) and then try and move her back into state system in Year 10 she may well not get all the GCSE choices she wants as they will all be organised already for existing pupils.

Thomasinaa · 18/09/2018 14:40

Yes, absolutely. Especially as it's not that far away - you can get there for parents' evenings, drama productions, etc. It will be a bit hard on you, but a great opportunity for her. I bet she loves it.

KaliforniaDreamz · 18/09/2018 14:43

Yes. If child wants to go.

NKFell · 18/09/2018 14:50

I boarded Mon-Fri and absolutely LOVED it. I think the friends you make boarding are like no other and at my school we were very well looked after, it wasn’t like how it’s often portrayed on TV. It was a very warm and caring environment.

If she wants to go, let her go. I’m sure she’ll have an amazing time.

1forsorrow2forjoy · 18/09/2018 14:55

No, boarding school destroyed me

KaliforniaDreamz · 18/09/2018 14:59

Rhubarb i i have experience of this - if u need a friendly ear PM me

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 15:07

It is a sink or swim environment op, so I can see why you are hesitant esp if your dd has grown up in a very tactile close family she may find the separation very difficult. Is she going to be boarding weekly or is it full boarding term to term? Full boarding is hard core, you won't see her for six weeks or so each and every holiday apart from an exeat.

It probably feels like a long way off, so maybe now she is confident but closer to the time she may well have second thoughts.

It is a very different environment from the one she is used to. The homesickness is awful and for some children that never goes. Some children can find it really hard going. The children that have flourished the most in our circles have been the ones that have been used to boarding/independence before and aren't particularly close to their families (raised by nannies and au pairs etc) they have enjoyed the company of other children and kind house masters. Those that are very close to their parents haven't fared so well as it become an endurance.

Although dd is old enough for input ultimately you should make the decision based on whether the benefits will outweigh the risks.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 15:08

*has become

MarshaBradyo · 18/09/2018 15:38

I assumed weekly so I wouldn’t do it if full boarding

Dancergirl · 18/09/2018 16:09

I would definitely consider it if my child showed an interest. It's a wonderful opportunity, I'm a big believer in trying things out, if they don't work out you can have a Plan B. But if you don't try it at all, you might always wonder 'what if?'

People who say they wouldn't even consider it, isn't that denying your child a wonderful opportunity just for the benefit of your own feelings? Boarding isn't right for every child but some really thrive. My own 16 year old dd chose boarding for sixth form and it's working out really well. Of course I miss her madly but the fact she is happy makes it ok.

RomanyRoots · 18/09/2018 16:53

OP, I think you have to let her try, if that's what she wants.
At this age they can decide for themselves.
I call opportunities like this their "Golden Ticket" because my dd sang this round the house when she got her Hogwarts letter , too many films here, but you know what i mean.
I didn't want mine to go and it completely went against all my principles, I had a right chip on my shoulder about boarding.
I'm so glad that family, including extended, made me realise I was selfish to deny her the opportunity.
I'm so glad I didn't refuse and she's thriving, our relationship is really good, never a cross word as the time we spend together has to be good.
She's at home more than school considering the long holidays and weekends, far less than a state school, is that 39 weeks now, I forget?

MrsChollySawcutt · 18/09/2018 17:46

I have two DC who are weekly boarders at school. DD is now in Y11 and her 5th year of boarding, DS started this term in Y7.

Both DC chose to be boarders. We have given them options and let them think through the pros and cons for themselves. I think that is vitally important.

If your DC really wants to board and you have talked through all the potential issues with them why not let them?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/09/2018 19:54

In a heartbeat!

It would cripple me emotionally to lose them, but this would be a chance that could make them for life. It's not just the educational opportunities; they would be making friends with people who will perhaps be influential and helpful to them in later life. And it will build up their confidence enormously!

Let her go - she can always come home if she finds it doesn't suit her.