Neighbour not giving the kids' balls back...

[MinecraftMother]

We've lived here for 4 years and we are by far the youngest people in our cud-d-sac. Very rural village.

Got on with her at the beginning - invites into our house for a brew; sorted out our party wall without asking her for a contribution; called in on her when we hadn't seen her for a while and lots of shopping (for which we asked no payment) during the snow when she wasn't happy about going out in the car. I also helped her with something at the Land Registry because she got a dodge phone call from someone about her house so I gave her some advice and did all that for free of course - I'm a solicitor btw.

There is a park just up the lane so the kids don't generally play anything in the garden save badminton and trampoline.

We perhaps have a ball go into her garden once every three months - I'm tell you think because if we were bothering her every day I'd see her point.

The last couple of times husband and kids (and on occasion our nanny) went around to get the ball she went inside and hid.

My husband then decided to lower our 9 yo into her garden to collect the balls for himself. There were about 4 from the last year, I think longer actually but couldn't be sure.

She then had a go at husband over the fence because of this trespass. I don't agree with what husband did.

It ended after a little while when she said that she didn't think the kids should be playing with balls in their garden, she was afraid of being hit by them in her own garden (i was listening from upstairs - I didn't want to join in as it would be very top heavy against her and despite her failings, I didn't want to get into it with her AND my husband! That would be stressful for her).

Husband told her to get a grip and that there is literally zero chance of her getting hit because here are large tree her side of the fence so the balls go over, hit the tree and slide down. THe balls land about 1 foot from the fence, if you see what I mean?

That was the end of their argument and we haven't spoke since. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable living next to us, we are many and she is solo, so when I saw her I waved a greeting but she just ignored me.

This evening the eldest got a new rugby ball and it ended up in her garden. Eldest and nanny went around to get it and she said something along the lines of "I did ask that you didn't play with the balls" and she (I think anyway) intimated she'd chuck it over.

It still isn't here. I'm fairly fucked off.

Husband said to her during their heated conversation that she didn't need to chuck it over, she could just notice it behind her trees and bring it to the front of the house when she was next going that way and we'd collect it from there when we saw it.

The front of all our houses are not fenced in, so we'd see it, the whole road is open plan so we'd spot the ball, we could lean over, grab it and that would be that.

She has a bad back so this is why she can't throw it over, she said.

How do we move forward?

I don't want to go around and get heated and intimidate her. Although she's a massive pain in my arse after me being such a (genuinely) decent (and modest 😂) neighbour.

A letter? Perhaps something along the lines of "buy a house with a fuck pot of land around it if you don't want to deal with this type of shit"...but less confrontational...

Meh. If it's once every few months just hope the fence and retrieve the ball back. Let her take you to court. She won't. When she confronts you tell her she can throw them back if she's not happy about someone standing in her garden for two seconds. Honestly OP you're tying yourself in knots because your a solicitor. Go get the balls back and calmly give her the option to chuck them back if she doesn't like it. Then ignore igonore ignore.

Your neighbour is in her seventies and your husbands actions and argument has probably frightened her.
I'd go and see her and say sorry for any stress it has caused her and see if there's a better way forward for you all.
You sound as though you've been a good neighbour to her. There must be a way to resolve things that doesn't end with just ignoring her.

My dd is grown up. I’m probably nearer to your neighbours age then your age.

Yanbu. What are gardens for if not for kids to play in? No wonder we have a obesity problem with children.

There are children both sides of me. Balls come over the fence quite often. I just lobb them back (sometimes the wrong ball may go in the wrong garden).

I probably wouldn’t do her any more favours though.

My DM has this exact problem. She has not handled it very well, but neither has the neighbour and her son. It's been a sustained problem, over the last 5-6 years.

DM is in a bungalow and in her late 60's living by herself. She was having a shower one day when she saw the son (14) walk past her bathroom window and in to her garden. She was terrified. He had walked through her driveway gates, a second gate, passed a side entrance door and then down passed the bathroom window to get around the back. Hope that makes sense. He was trespassing all the way from the driveway gates.

DM now refuses to give the balls back and instead throws them over her other fence and in to a public park.

DM is very in to gardening and these balsa are landing 2-3 times a week, often damaging plants as they land.

You need to find a way of stopping your DS, it's great if neighbours don't mind and throw it back. But you know this neighbour is unhappy, it's up to you and DS to stop it.

Why, if every 11 or 12 weeks his ball ends up in the neighbour's garden so not a very frequent or irritating thing, should he not be able to expect a nice neighbour to return it (eventually in her own time).

But she doesn't know when and if it's going to happen, i she really is afraid of being hit she may well be prevented from using her own garden.

Your kids have a right to play in your garden they do not have the right to throw their ball over the fence even if it is an accident.

Get a higher fence of put up some netting or a sail or say 'no ball games'.

Your family are the people causing the problem not her.

I don't get balls in my own garden, the occasional nerf bullet and a, "please lady can we have our nerf bullet back, sorry it went in your garden" if it was a regular thing I might get a bit upset but because it is genuinely rare and unintentional I don't.

As was the escaped rabbit who was happily eating my lawn.

As much as you know the balls will be caught by a tree, she may be worried it won't. Football's and rugby balls when being kicked by an older child can come at you with some force and she may well be scared of them hitting her.

I think she is out of order. She could easily throw the balls back. She is being nasty. We had neighbours like this when I was a kid, took the balls deliberately.

I would not be helping her in future.

I can see both sides. She probably is afraid a ball will hit her and who wants to feel on edge when they are in their own garden? As a previous poster also pointed out, the bill will be hitting the fence with a loud thud a lot more often than it’s going over the fence and that could be really annoying her too.

I also see your point, that you have been a good neighbor and you are surprised that she won’t just give you the balls back.

I think your plan to put netting up is good. I also think you shouldn’t leave things on bad terms. Go and talk to her and tell her you are putting the betting up and that you want to get along. It’s silly to end up falling out over this. Whether you do favours for her anymore is up to you, but you can at least be friendly with each other.

I agree that is a silly thing to lead to bad feelings with your neighbour about. Especially when a conversation could sort it out amicably.

Am I reading a different thread to everyone else?

If you live in a house with neighbours then at some point it's likely that your lives will intersect. If there are children next door, then they may occasionally knock balls over. Better that theyre out playing than sitting down inside getting unhealthy.

I'm also confused about why people think being 70 gives her a licence to be petty. 70 is not old. If she was 90 I'd be more understanding about it. If she's able to cope on her own in a detached house then she can't be doing that badly.

Yes she should be allowing the balls to be returned, in whatever way is convenient for her. (Which doesn't include acrobatics by your DH, but you know that.) You'll need to get this ball back as it isnt yours, so I suggest you go round and talk to her.

After that, net on top of the fence. If your son manages to get a ball over that, call your national team.

Why are people grilling the OP. Kids will be kids and all kids will play with balls. Everyone has gone through this if they have children and a garden. It's not every day like the OP said and to be fair so what if it was. If OP's DH and DC are willing to resolve it themselves by retrieving it the old woman should be grateful for that. Not like they are damaging her property. After everything the OP has done for her in good will. That is the very least she could be accommodating towards. I think your neighbour is very mean and has no sense of appreciation.

If you live in a house with neighbours then at some point it's likely that your lives will intersect. If there are children next door, then they may occasionally knock balls over. Better that theyre out playing than sitting down inside getting unhealthy.

They could be "out playing" ball games on a field or a park, where it doesn't affect other people. Do you really think when you are kicking the ball back over or answering the door again to another lost ball you really care how healthy and active the children are?

Of course they don't give a flying fuck, but that's not really the point of my remarks.

Why should the 9 year old go to the park ?

Why SHOULDN'T HE ?!

God you sound hard work and close to harassing your neighbour the poor woman .
Balls coming into gardens is a pain in the arse.

I think your neighbour sounds horrid and extraordinarily petty. Do her no favours in future.

Hope you got your ball back.

I’d just keep ball games to the park. Chucking balls over is not a problem for me but you have an elderly neighbour. She has told you she has mobility issues which make it harder for her to throw balls back. She probably doesn’t want to be disturbed by people knocking for balls. She has told you she is concerned by being hit by balls in her garden. Have some consideration.
Unfortunately due to your dh’s attitude you’ve probably already irreparably damaged what was a good relationship. And for what? A ball game in the garden every few months?

70 isn’t that old ffs. She is a miserable woman who could just chuck the ball over when she is next in the garden. All this pity for her is ridiculous. My mum is 80 yo and has no problems chucking the balls back in her own time. As I can’t retire until I am 68 ish I pity the kids I teach if 70 yo is so ‘elderly’.

Well it depends what kind of health she is in as to whether she can easily throw a ball over a fence. Some 50yos couldn’t. Some 90yos could. Personally if a neighbour told me they couldn’t I wouldn’t assume they were lying!

She could let the children retrieve it though couldn’t she.

The ball goes over the 8ft (I think?) fence, hits the tree and slides down.

I don't understand this. Every single time a ball goes over the fence, from whatever angle, it hits the tree, and never ever misses it? How is that even possible?

My goodness, what a hard time you are getting Op. Kids' balls going into other people's gardens has been going on for years and I think it's only mean spirited people who won't let the kids have them back. My neighbour's DS often kicks his ball over into our garden. He knocks once, collects his ball and then I unlock our side gate and tell him to just let himself into the garden if it comes over again. The only time I got a little cross with him was when he was kicking his ball against our new fence but he stopped as soon as I asked him.

I definitely wouldn't be doing anything to help her in the future.

I think your husband lowering your son over the fence will be what has done the damage here; we had neighbours at our last property whose teenager's football came into our garden on a regular basis. I started by throwing it back but soon got sick when it was continuous and they were coming into our garden without permission and standing on and damaging a rabbit hutch. I had two children that never kicked balls into their garden.

Coupled with their dog fouling our front lawn and them getting abusive when we mentioned it to them, we ended up moving.

I think the way forwards is to write off the balls that are there now, and any that go over in future. If your neighbour has difficulty picking up balls then it's unfair to expect her to, and she may be uncomfortable with the children wandering into her garden to retrieve them. If you have a massive garden and an eight foot fence then it should be a rare occurrence anyway if they are careful.

You don't have to do her any favours, but it would be a shame to fall out over it. She might just be a bit miserable, but until you've walked a mile in her shoes...

I'm shocked at the awful comments about the neighbour. She's miserable, nasty, horrible, mean.

Do you know if she has any MH issues, OP?

I have PTSD and am terrified of people knocking my door, it's a HUGE trigger for me. It sends me into a panic attack which in turn flares up my chronic illness. If someone did this to me, then came onto my property, then accosted me, I would be in BITS.

It's your responsibility to keep the ball out of her garden. If it goes into her garden, tough. She's made it perfectly clear that your actions have made her uncomfortable.

Leave her alone. You have no idea what she's going through and are being incredibly selfish.

I’d say an average of 6 balls a day go over our fences, in every direction. I never let him knock for them though. Getting up to get kids balls is annoying! We leave them all and they all get thrown over when the neighbours are passing where they lay. Might be an hour, might be 2-3 days. They all have kids but they still probably mutter how annoying it is when they do it. However I find their whining dogs annoying or the other ones shouting at his kids in the bath with window open every night annoying but that’s life . It’s miserable to refuse to chuck them over imo but since having a child I’m aware that there’s a ton of people in the World who find all kids and kids playing very annoying. Sad but doesn’t seem to be any escaping it.

The neighbour could let the child retrieve it but she’s not unreasonable not to want other people’s kids in and out of her garden. I know a lot of people that wouldn’t like that.
The op said they play ball games about once every few months. The whole situation could have been avoided if she just took her child to the park every now and again.